Unplanned integration work

This post might be triggering to some that have strong views against integration. I would rather have answers by those that have gone through or are (in some way actively) trying to achieve integration for this particular topic.

I have been aging very rapidly this past year. We no longer have a host in our system but by most standards I'd be what could be called a co-host. I am now 20 and I will, by most odds, continue to age more than yearly until I catch up with the body's age.

I was made when the body was 4 and given a name by our abuser who knew we were multiple. My name was l (for reference I have changed my name to emma due to not wanting to keep a name given to me by this person). Eventually I half-split into two parts. We shared memories and were together, but we were still separated in several ways. Eventually, we fully split at 9 and that is the age of the alter who's name is L.

Now lately L has started aging a couple of times (to being 10 years old), but being scared by it and then going back down to her previous age (9).

I discussed with out T about how I'm not comfortable aging and other such things when she asked if I thought this was happening so that I could integrate with Nin (some here might remember her, but she is the person who's mainly been out since we were born and the one who shares a name with the body etc). To mention, we do not work towards integration. We aren't against it but we've never at all actively worked towards it and while I've read a fair bit about it and found it interesting, I've not really imagined it ever happening to me specifically. Anyway, I answered the T blundly "no ######6 way". I knew instantly that that wasn't what was happening. We continue the appointment without any further talk about that specifically. I was walked home when it suddenly hit me: This is happening because L and I are, somehow, taking steps towards integration. It resonated inside as a feeling of something you just really know to be true. We were both very surprised.

I've been thinking and considering lots of options and what will happen next. On one side integration scares me for a couple of reasons, one of which is this:
(1) I am more or less completely blind and L is completely mute. What happens if we get the "downside" of each of these? Mute & blind wouldn't make for a good protector, nor for a very easy or happy every day life.
Just to give an image of the things I am considering. I do see very positive sides to it though. I feel like it would be getting a part of myself back (we were once together, after all). She is a great person and a friend and having her a part of me again would probably feel, on many levels, very complete. She as well can see positives and negatives with this.

We know though that this is not happening tomorrow, next week or next year. This is very far into the future. From what our System manager can tell us she says that we will both need to catch up to the body's age (which will take a long time for L) and there are other things that will have to be taken care of first and worked through. So all in all this is not something that is very stressful to us, as we have a long time to think this through, understand more and learn more.

I would love to hear how others have experienced this though.
Anyone else realized you're walking the path of integration without meaning to?
Anyone have any suggestions or tips for how to deal with the path we are on?

Thank you.

Hi, lifelongthing, thus is Alysone. I think you're really brave to be open to the idea of integration, even though it is unexpected. Over the last 20 years, I have integrated 25 of my 27 alters. Some were planned, and some just happened spontaneously. I think that with the ones that happened spontaneously, we had done the healing work that was necessary, and allowed the need to be separate to go away. For me, we did not age to the bodies age. Some of the alters stayed their separate/different ages but still integrated. This gave me positive things, I think. Like a youthful outlook, some unbridled joy and laughter like a healthy child has. Also, for me, I really think I only got the positive aspects from them and they are deeply a part of me now. Even when I integrated the one who was anger, I think I got a healthy sense if anger and not the out of control anger that alter exhibited prior to integrating. My suggestion is to just allow the process to unfold, which it sounds like you're doing by recognizing it may take a long time. Remain open to the possibility that it could take shorter, and will only happen when you are both ready, even if the ages don't match. For me, it was exciting each time I integrated! It was like getting a big piece of myself back into myself, and I always felt rejuvenated after each integration. I wish you luck on your journey. Feel free to ask more questions if you want. Remember you are strong and brave! Alysone

Thank you Alysone, I really appreciate your reply.

For me, we did not age to the bodies age.
Some of the alters stayed their separate/different ages but still integrated. This gave me positive things, I think. Like a youthful outlook, some unbridled joy and laughter like a healthy child has.

I know it wouldn't be like this for everyone, it's just what our system manager thinks needs to happen for me and L (not necessarily for any others that might want to integrate at some point). Probably because we used to be "apart but together" for many years and the fact that she stopped aging after she stopped being host (she was host for a year or so). I would imagine not having your alters age before integration would give you lots of good qualities, indeed

It was like getting a big piece of myself back into myself, and I always felt rejuvenated after each integration. I wish you luck on your journey. Feel free to ask more questions if you want. Remember you are strong and brave! Alysone

Thank you very much, you are very sweet. I keep thinking it would feel like being more whole again; to get our self back. But time will tell

Thank you, I will definitely be coming back to this thread with questions as they come up


I should mention too that there has been some changes to each of us too.

I have grown older, but I'm also calmer and more focused and L, while still being mute and will mostly just sit and do her own thing, "taking up no space" really, our SO reports that she somehow takes up a little bit more space now, without having changed her actions at all.

I doubt this is a complete coincidence.

This thread concerns integration in the narrow sense, meaning fusion of two or more alters.

In 2011, after becoming aware of my DID and joining this forum I experienced two spontaneous fusions, first with Alter 3 and then with Alter 1. The first one happened before I even knew fusion was possible. That experience was incredibly intense for me. Fusion is just a component of integration, not the end result; for me, both times there was a lot of work after fusion. Both fusions have held and the formerly separate alters, now ego states, are very much a part of me today. At times they are able to stand separated ever so slightly from me in order to address me directly. I reported both fusions as they happened here on the DID Forum in my very long thread, Alter in love was a mystery to me.

It makes sense that you've noticed changes in both of you. Healing is taking place. It sounds to me like L is taking up more space maybe because she feels bigger and more deserving of taking up space. At least it sounded familiar to.me and my previous alter, Baby, who did the same thing before integrating. Kind if like growing into herself more fully before we integrated. I think its cool that you're noticing the changes, just don't rush things. They will happen in exactly the right timing when both of you are ready. Good luck!

Thank you Una+. I have read your thread before but I will definitely be re-reading it now

Fusion is just a component of integration, not the end result; for me, both times there was a lot of work after fusion.

I'd definitely imagine.

Healing is taking place

It feels like it, yeah.

It sounds to me like L is taking up more space maybe because she feels bigger and more deserving of taking up space. At least it sounded familiar to.me and my previous alter, Baby, who did the same thing before integrating. Kind if like growing into herself more fully before we integrated.

I think you might be right.
I dont want to leeve frankie if I itegrate

I think its cool that you're noticing the changes, just don't rush things

No worries there. I'm hoping it takes a few years at least just to give me some time to get used to the idea of it all

We have a pretty elaborate inner world, and I was wondering how this had worked for you (especially you Alysone, as you said I could ask you questions):
Did your looks inside change with the integration of other parts of yourself?

Just buzzing with questions and trying to get them down so I can recognize what it is I'm actually wanting to know

Hi! I never had an inner world, other than the parts all looking different physically. Actually, I do remember one part lived in a completely black and dark box where no light shone through. But that was the only one. My T and I gradually shined light and they finally came out of the box to freedom. When we integrated, I still saw them with their different physical characteristics, but they blended with mine and faded a little. I still vividly recall each part and what they look like, but now have all their qualities. It's been a number of years since my last integration, so its kind of hard to recall. We did the integratiions using hypnosis and imagery. Such as snow melting into water and mingling together to eventually form a river. The other image we used was different colors of paint being mixed together and forming the mist beautiful color imaginable. But underneath their physical qualities didn't change, they just became a part of me, so now when I look in the mirror, I can see them shining thru me, such as different hair color or eyes. So they are still very much alive within me, just now they are one with me. I don't know if this answered your question, and I'm sure its different for everyone, but I feel really glad that they're not gone or lost. It's like there is just more of me. Hope this makes sense! Alysone

I don't know if this answered your question, and I'm sure its different for everyone

It very much did and I would assume it is, yeah.

You answered beautifully, thank you very much

Quoting Una+ here (from the thread she linked to above) for my own keeping. Thank you Una

Back in 1984 Richard Kluft published a 6-point metric for identifying a successful final fusion, as follows. Three stable months of:

1. Continuity of contemporary memory
2. Absence of overt behavioral signs of multiplicity
3. Subjective sense of unity
4. Absence of alter personalities on hypnotic re-exploration [hypnosis now largely abandoned]
5. Modification of transference phenomena consistent with the bringing together of personalities
6. Clinical evidence that the unified patient’s self-representation includes acknowledgment of attitudes and awareness which were previously segregated in separate personalities