The Day to Day Lives of the Loved Ones of Lying Addicts

THE DAY TO DAY DRUDGERY OF LIVING WITH LYING ADDICTS

The loved ones of lying addicts believe that lying addicts have absolutely no idea at the hurt and suffering their lies cause them or just how much they are jeopardizing their relationships with their lies. They believe it all about them and their lies and that they don’t care if they hurt the other person. They also believe, in the main, that the lying addict will never change and feels no guilt or shame for their lies.

The day to day life of a loved one of a lying addict is a roller coaster ride of emotions.

They live in a twilight world of craziness and fear.

One veteran loved one of a lying addict observed over the years that when lying addicts “pull their stuff” as some loved ones call it (meaning when they tell their lies or try to defend lies etc), there are usually 6 common excuses for the lies. Here they are listed together with an ideal reply from the loved one to each excuse:-

1. “Oh, I thought I told you.” No, if you had told me I’d have remembered.
2. “Oh, you must not have heard me right or misunderstood me.” No, I heard you perfectly.
3. “Oh, you’ve twisted and distorted things around.” No I did not.
4. “You have a bad memory.” No, I remember well.
5. “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.” You’ve already hurt my feeling by not telling me the truth.
6. “Oh, I don’t remember.” Yes you do.

Another experienced loved one of a lying addict pinpointed her lying addict’s lying cycle “down to a tee”… First she figured out the person had lied. She confronted the person. Reactions included defensiveness, callousness that is inappropriate to the situation or answering too quick or giving too detailed an explanation. All of these indicated the person was telling lies. Then after the initial confrontation is over, the person went through a cycle of manipulation tactics that may involve many or all of the following…

• ANGER – “Maybe if I scream at you enough you’ll back down and believe that you must be wrong.” The angrier the lying addict gets, the more the person has to hide.
• GUILT – “I can’t believe you wouldn’t trust me”
• DENIAL – “I don’t have the problem you do”
• DISPLACEMENT OF BLAME TO CONVINCE YOU YOU’RE OVERREACTING – “Why are you always so insecure/ crazy/ paranoid/ irrational?”
• PLOYS TO INDUCE PITY OR TO “WEAKEN” YOU BY APPEALING TO THE LOVE YOU HAD/ HAVE FOR THEM – “I was going to tell you the truth but was so scared of losing you because I love you so much”
• FACADES OF HONORABLE BEHAVIOR” – “I lied so you wouldn’t find out I was really buying you a gift but now you’ve spoilt the surprise”
• FACADES OF SINCERITY – “If I’m lying, let God kill me now. I swear on my mother’s life I’m being truthful”
• FALSE PROMISES – “I swear I will never lie again.”
• AVOIDANCE/ REFUSAL OF ACKNOWLEDGEMENT – “Start irrelevant conversations so she’ll forget why she’s mad or better yet, since I don’t think it’s a big deal, it must not be a big deal after all.”
• PLOYS TO MAKE YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING CRAZY

Loved ones have no idea why lying addicts lie. As they know nothing of lying as an addiction, they are simply left bewildered by the lies. Loved ones wonder what lying addicts are afraid of and why they cannot stop the mind games and just be honest. Why is it, they ask themselves, that even when presented with evidence, they still lie? And why do they cover up their lies with more lies? Loved ones also wonder how lying addicts keep all the lies straight in their heads. To them it seems like so much work. They wonder “wouldn’t it be so much easier just to admit to the lies?”

Loved ones do not understand how someone can do the kinds of things lying addicts do. When something bothers the loved ones, they can’t sleep. Loved ones cannot even see a gain, most of the time, for the lying addict in lying. They are utterly baffled by the illogical nature of the lies. Like saying an appointment was at 5pm when it was at 4pm. “What on earth is that about????” loved ones ask incredulously. It’s not as if the loved one cares what time the appointment was. They just don’t get it at all.

Why, loved ones ask themselves, would a successful and well respected person such as their husband, wife, partner, son, daughter, father, mother, work colleague etc need to create a false persona and lie about everything they are? “And why does a person who says they love you more than life itself feel the need to lie to you all the time? Do I have “idiot” written all over me?”

Loved ones often cannot reconcile the loyal steadfast kind person they know their lying addict to be with the person they know lies. The two parts of the person just do not seem to fit together.

Relationships between lying addicts and loved ones go in waves. Things can be great for a while and then lies are uncovered. There are then lots of tears and hurt, promises made and then an even keel again. Then all of a sudden something else will come to light (although never usually from the lying addict) and the whole nightmare starts again. Loved ones second guess EVERYTHING their lying addict tells them. Often, loved ones can feel like they have spent the whole of their relationship waiting for the shoe to drop or the roof to fall in.

However much the loved ones toughen up in relation to living with lying addiction, part of them just cannot get used to the lying addicts inability to tell the truth when a new round of lies surface. It is almost as if it isn’t just the lie that is hurtful and confusing. It is the reality associated with what it means to the future relationship each time the lying addicts lie. There is also, in these moments, the painful reminder of who the person actually is verses who the loved one thought they were before they realized the person lied.

Loved ones become disappointed in themselves for constantly letting the lies affect them each and every time lies are exposed.

It is as if the loved one wants to believe the lying won’t hurt them again. When they
then find out more lies it is all made worse by the fact that the person’s pain of yet more betrayals of trust is now coupled with the shame of not being immune to the lies.

THE LIES THEMSELVES

Loved ones, after years of living with people who lie, have observed the following about lying addicts and their lies…

• Lying comes as natural to them as getting out of bed.
• They lie with no sign of guilt or any apparent awareness of the hurt they are causing.
• Lying addicts will twist any situation to make the loved one or other person look like “the bad guy” when they are confronted with their lies.
• Inconsistencies in the lies can always be “ironed out” with more lies.
• The lies are self serving and not malicious.
• Lying appears as a reflex for everything the lying addict does in life. For example when asked if they broke a cup, they will say “no” – even if the loved one witnessed the person breaking the cup.
• No subject is sacred. Any topic can be lied about.
• They lie more if they have drunk alcohol.
• The lies are so elaborate sometimes they are “almost comical” (as one loved one said) if they weren’t so heartbreaking to endure.
• The lies are often the best possible answer. For example, when asked “where did you go last night?” the answer would be something like “I met a famous person in a bar.”
• The stories make them look impressive or are for effect.
• The lies get worse after a personal tragedy, death or problem.
• When lying addicts have personal problems, they will attempt to make loved ones their scapegoat for things so they do not have to deal with their feelings.
• The lies portray themselves in some sort of heroic or knowledgeable light.
• The lying addict’s lies are usually to do with them being the victim of some catastrophe, abuse, tragedy or success.
• Someone else is the victim of some sort of catastrophe, tragedy, success or abuse.
• They or someone else has done something terrible, criminal or extraordinary. The lies don’t have to show the person in the best possible light. For example, a lying addict could say they were in prison or had been addicted to heroin.
• They lie about the smallest and the biggest things, the extreme and the ridiculous, the outrageous and the hurtful.
• The most common disease lying addicts say they, or someone else has, is cancer.
• The most common tragedy lying addicts say they, or someone else have experienced is “car wrecks”.
• Lies can be used multiple times to different people. For example, people can “die” again and again when the lie is told to different people for different reasons. One loved one observed over the years that his lying addict “had been raped at least 15 times, had 5 miscarriages and cancer twice”.
• Each lie gets bigger and bigger.
• The lies get slowly worse over the years.
• Lies can be told about things like car repayments where the lying addict will say they have made the repayments and haven’t right up until the bailiffs come to the door to take the car away.
• The lying addict will always be one up or one better than those they are with – a case of “my cat is blacker than your cat”. Whatever you have done, they have done it better or know someone who has done it better. This happens in particular in friendships. If a person is having surgery for instance, the lying addict will be having an even bigger more dramatic surgery. It is as if they always need the spotlight especially when something is going on in someone else’s life. They will try and top everything a person says whether it is good or bad.
• Lying addicts are some of the nicest people they know or have known – apart from the lies.
• Often, when caught in lies, lying addicts will freeze, stare blankly, look bewildered and shocked and offer no explanation or comment.
• When a lying addict is caught out in a lie, they will come up with an even bigger lie than the original one. It’s a no win situation.
• Lying addicts will get to a point where almost every word that comes out of their mouth will be a lie. A person will be unable after a time to hold even the most simplest of conversations with a lying addict without hearing at least one lie.
• Lying addicts of all ages will sometimes falsely accuse people, usually family members, of crimes against them. Loved ones will be then put in the incredibly difficult position of not knowing whether to believe them or not.
• Big rows will take place when another round of lies are exposed and the lying addict will not call the person for days but will then contact them as if nothing ever happened.
• The lying addict will almost never admit to a lie - not even when presented with proof.
• When lies are exposed and they are boxed into a corner with no more alibis, they will swear they will change, appear to change for a short while and then always return to lying but will simply get better at hiding the lies.
• When a loved one ends a relationship, the lying addict will try to win the person back by any means necessary - except by admitting they have a lying problem.
• Their behavior can at times seem bizarre to a non liar. For example, a lying addict can lie and say they have bought their loved one a house and take them to see it, put the key in the door and look shocked when the key doesn’t work. To back up the lie, the person can also make up legal looking documents.
• Lying addicts often blame everyone and everything else for their failed relationships - never the lying.
• Lying addicts are generally overconfident about how they’ve got the lying problem licked and do not appear to realize how deep seated within them their lying is. Denial of their problem is the main theme of their lying lives.
• Lying addicts can attempt to isolate loved ones from the people they get counsel from or confide in about the lying addict. As a back up too, lying addicts may also tell each person a different set of harmful lies about the other people so they will not speak to each other and find out about the lies.
• Lying addicts are experts at messing with loved one’s minds by turning things around or wording things in a confusing way so lies are lost in conversation.
• Lying addicts will try to convince loved ones into believing that it is them who are “crazy” and need the help for not believing them.
• A lying addict will lie about things like “I have broken my leg” and when asked where their cast is, treat the person as if they are stupid for asking the question.
• When confronted with lies lying addicts will do their utmost to make people believe they are paranoid and inhumane for accusing and not trusting them or will divert loved ones from the truth – usually with more lies.
• When lies are found out, lying addicts will say one day that they are sorry and want to change, but the next day will fly into a rage and say the person has made the whole thing up. There is never consistency in how lying addicts respond to being confronted with their lies.
• Lying addicts fear their loved ones getting a professional to help them in case that person validates them that they are not “crazy”.
• Lying addicts view what happened last year, last week and yesterday as the past and therefore not relevant to today. This is a convenient ploy to not be held accountable for their behavior.
• Lying addiction is a far bigger problem than loved ones initially gave it credit for. The problem NEVER goes away on its own. It only ever gets worse.

The loved ones of lying addicts say that the lies are so numerous, and some so weird, that they are embarrassed in hindsight to admit that they even believed them. They also wonder sometimes whether the lying addict thinks they are an idiot to expect them to believe some of the lies they tell.

People in general who know lying addicts are often torn between wondering if the person is a “jerk”, a BS artist or simply has psychological problems. No-one has any concept that lying is an addiction.

Being lied to can get old real fast for loved ones. After a while, some loved ones know intuitively the second a lie happens whilst others still struggle to know at what point the truth ends and the lies begin.

Many loved ones denied to themselves for a long time that they were even being lied to. They simply didn’t want to believe it. After all, they say, “none of us wants to think the person we love is a liar.” Others let the lies go on too long and didn’t confront the lies earlier because they didn’t know what to do about them. Many loved ones beat themselves up for this. They become angry at themselves for not realizing how serious a problem the liar had and only getting the pattern when it was too late - for example after children were born etc.

Loved ones observe that most liars do not realize how hard it is for them to stand there and say that they think the person is lying. When they suspect someone is lying, unless it is something that can be pretty much proved right there and then is a lie, loved ones “leave it on the back burner called benefit of the doubt”. It is this though that can eat away at the soul, the self esteem and the mental health.

Often the fear for loved ones is that if they confront the person about the things they are sure the person is lying about and that thing turns out to be true, the relationship is pretty much over. Loved ones just don’t know what to do for the best in these
situations.

Loved ones get tired after a while begging the lying addict to stop lying to them and can find - after the lies have been going on for a while - that they understandably overreact to lying situations. They admit that this does not make it any easier for the lying addict to be honest with them especially when the lying addict tells them they are scared of being shouted at and then they go and do just that.

Loved ones grow scared after a while to even ask the lying addict a question as they know their answer will most likely be a lie. Most of the time, loved ones will feel like they are going crazy because they are second guessing things that they know are actually true. They become unsure of everything when it comes to their lying addict and now find themselves becoming the sneaky ones. They develop over time into detectives always searching for the truth. It exhausts them.

Loved ones are constantly looking for signs that their lying addict is lying. They don’t want to live like this. They hate being suspicious people and hate being in this position. The constant lies and checking up on the lying addict eventually takes over and comes to absorb every aspect of the loved one’s life. They feel like an investigator on call 24 hours a day.

Many loved ones feel that it is profoundly disrespectful to keep them in a state of constant chaos always searching for the truth.

Most partners of lying addicts fear they will waste their whole lives playing detective if they stay with the person and this fills them will horror.

Sometimes, loved ones think they are their own worst enemy for investigating the lies and wonder maybe whether it is best for them to just ignore the lies and pretend they aren’t happening. As hard as they try though, they just can’t do this. They are humans not machines and cannot switch off their minds - as much as they’d like to be able to at times.

They also take offense to being constantly deceived and feel it is an injustice for the lying addict to always get away with their constant deceptions (as they see it). This also spurs them on to continue being a detective. But this can lead to them feeling like they live in “Looney Ville” as one loved one called it.

But it is the “stupid lies” that drives them the craziest. These are the lies the lying addict stands to gain nothing from. Loved ones are utterly in the dark as to why on earth they would tell these types of lies.

The lying addict’s lies come to dominate the loved one’s mind completely after a while. Sometimes loved ones even forgive major lies over and over again thinking that this will stop the person from lying but it never does.

They end up being angry and disappointed in themselves for loving, what they can at times feel is, “one big fat lie”.

Some loved ones even become addicted to the lies in a way after a while as they are curious as to what big story the person will come up with next.

It takes a great deal of strength to continue having a lying addict in their life. It is hard for loved ones to relate to someone when they don’t know if the person they are presenting to them is real. It is even scarier for them to discover that the person they thought they were in a relationship with is not that person at all. Loved ones feel like they are living in a place where the building of their lives could collapse at any time. They live with constant tremors. They are also aware, as a result of not knowing who the person really is who is lying to them, that the whole foundation of their lives is likely made of sinking sand. It’s a scary existence.

Loved ones have moments when they need to ask the lying addict important specifics about them and/ or their relationship and realize that they can’t. They will never get a truthful answer. Loved ones then begin to feel silly for keeping on reaching for the truth from someone who lies all the time. They then turn their feelings inward on themselves and their self esteem starts to erode.

Loved ones desperately need the truth about everything from someone or something as they can never get it from the lying addict. Knowing that they have been lied to in so many ways can make loved ones feel like so many pieces of their personal puzzle that are their lives are missing. This means they can’t make sense of their own lives.

Nothing is real for the loved ones when living with lying addicts. They cannot plan trips, buy a house, or plan a future as everything is based on lies. Loved ones cannot believe a word lying addicts say and this leaves them feeling very sad and lonely.

It is excruciating for loved ones when lies are exposed in public with other people present. For instance, when a loved one meets a person who asks them “how is your boyfriend’s cancer” and the person doesn’t have cancer. Or the loved one is asked how the lying addict’s father is doing and the loved one says “well thank you” only to find out the lying addict has told that person they will be dead any day.

Loved ones come to think of all this as abuse and their tolerance for it becomes less and less over time. At times, they can feel like their lying addicts are cowards for not being able to tell the truth and because they are forever covering up for themselves. They feel the lies mean they, as loved ones, are not respected, trusted or loved and at this stage can start to take antidepressants and anxiety medication due to the stress of it all. They cannot fathom the deceit or the manipulation. Fear of the lies makes them feel sick.

Loved ones would rather be hurt by the truth than be made happy by a lie.

Loved ones also believe that if the person loved them they would get help with their lying.

They love these people but they do not like them. Sometimes, they admit to hating them to their core too. They hate them because they are hurt that they are lied to. They would feel the same whether it was the President or their partner, family member or work colleague etc. The pain arises from the need to trust and having that need constantly compromised. This is especially the case with those they love. When loved ones open up their vulnerabilities to the lying addict and later find out the person is not who they thought they were, this is when the loved one feels the most betrayed.

Some loved ones feel sorry for the lying addicts. They know at some level that lying is an illness and that the people who lie in their lives are essentially good people with good hearts. They see their loved one trapped behind their lies and are powerless to help them escape. They often want to protect them from people thinking that they aren’t good people.

Loved ones don’t know what to think or despair when their lying addicts tell them they “had to lie as I was scared of being yelled at” or “I had to lie to protect you” or “I lied so as not to disappoint you” or “I lied as I did not want to hurt you”.

Loved ones cannot fathom this logic.

To them it’s obvious that lying upsets and hurts them more than anything else. They argue that the lying addicts know this - or they presume they know it as they have said it to them umpteen times. At other times the lying addict will, when asked why they lied, say that they don’t know or say they have “approval addiction” or say they “can’t help it as it causes more problems than if they told the truth.” Lying addicts admit that they know their lies will be found out but that the lies delay the confrontation which is what they want and need. At these times, loved ones sense the person is being sincere but still do not understand it.

Loved ones also sense the lies are not to intentionally hurt them but at the same time, they don’t think lying addicts think too much about how their lies affect others either. They believe the only thing the person is thinking about is getting what that person wants at that moment or how to cover up what they have done.

Loved ones have no idea really what the true motives for lying are or how the lying addict feels after their lies have completely devastated their lives. It is simply mind-boggling to the loved ones that they “had not been trusted enough with the truth”.

It is an awful feeling for the loved ones not to be able to trust those they love so much. Each time they lie, the loved one has to confront the reality that they are lying again. That is hard enough but when the lying addict then takes exception to being questioned and twists it around to place blame on the loved one for not trusting them, the wound goes deeper as this creates guilt in the loved one for not trusting the lying addict in the first place.

Loved ones were often totally trusting people before the lies started and then went to doubting everyone all the time. Constant lies in a person’s life has a way of doing that to a person… Trust cannot keep getting broken down then rebuilt then broken down again without there being long term consequences.

Loved ones can often feel that having a lying addict in their life is a poison pill as they sense they will never be able to trust them again. They wish there was a way but as things stand from their perspective, they don’t believe it will ever be possible to trust them as they don’t believe the lying addict will ever stop lying.

The loved ones of lying addicts are inevitably forced to build a moat around their hearts to protect themselves from the lies. Lying addicts don’t seem to understand why they have to do this - why their loved ones become so cagey. Loved ones want to give them the very best of who they are, including their total trust, but because the lies trample over everything that is decent, loved ones cannot risk completely sharing who they are with them any more.

They never know what is around the next corner or what is going to pop up next.

They can try and encourage trust in the relationship but realize it won’t work unless both people have the same end in mind – that of complete honesty.

Loved ones try telling lying addicts that it is their lies that are holding the relationship back but the lying addict does not seem to hear them.

Often, loved ones can feel like they are with emotional vampires who don’t even realize they even are emotional vampires…

Copyright © 2012 Billi Caine

This work is registered with the UK Copyright Service and is protected under UK and International Law. All Rights Reserved.

This puts all the craziness I've been feeling into one place. I am ready to leave my liar. He is simply not getting the help he needs for his lying. I've been through the cycle SO many times: he lies, I confront him, we fight about it, he promises and swears nothing is more important than our relationship and he will stop lying, then I am suspicious until the next lie happens. It's been happening for 7 years, and it's painfully obvious he's not going to stop.

Even though I am ready to leave, I am still stuck on the WHY. I have read a lot of the articles about self esteem, the habit of lying, the need for approval, etc. However, when he is told his marriage is ending b/c of his lies, yet he still continues to lie, it doesn't make sense to me. It would seem his desire for the marriage to stay intact would override his need for approval. However, his words, and his actions, are two completely different things. "I will do anything to keep this marriage together. I swear I will stop lying." Then, he turns around and lies again.

We've been through individual and couples therapy for years, we've considered ADHD, anxiety, depression, learning disorder, PTSD, etc, yet he denies he has ANYTHING wrong with him. The lying is what will absolutely end the marriage. Whether it stems from ADHD, or PTSD is no longer my job to figure out. I let go of control a LONG time ago, and have been focusing on myself and setting my boundaries, and taking care of ME.

He chooses to continue to lie, then he will lose me. It's that simple. Yet, he doesn't get it. So sad.

Hi Melomom,
I hear your frustration and pain.

You asked about the "why". After deep research, I came up with the following...

compulsive-lying/topic115788.html

You may also find the following post I did validating... It is about the day to day lives of people like yourself - the loved ones of lying addicts...

compulsive-lying/topic129105.html

BIG HUG,
Billi Caine

Apologies Melomon... I thought you'd read this post not the one for Loved Ones. Here is the lying addicts "day to day drudgery". It will help you understand your partner a little better...

compulsive-lying/topic129187.html

Thank you, I appreciate the support and the hugs. I have read all the "why's" and it is very eye opening. We just went to "marriage therapy" tonight, and I told him I want a formal, official separation. It seems to me after reading a lot on this topic that most chronic, compulsive liars truly want to change, but for some reason cannot complete the change. I find this very disheartening, and sad.

In my case, it feels like I have a relationship with a drug addict, or alcoholic. It's the same abusive cycle over and over again. I truly love this man, and I hope he gets the help he needs to make his own life better, whether or not we stay together.

You are on the right track when you say you feel like you are in a relationship with an addict/ alcoholic. In your husbands case, he is addicted to lying. Here is a very basic bottom line post I did explaining what that means....

compulsive-lying/topic103034.html

In relation to the separation... you have to do what you have to do to stay sane. Whatever you decide to do, if you feel it is the right thing (and however hard it may be), stick to that decision unless and until he chooses recovery from his lying addiction. If you don't you will be played like a guitar. All addicts need firm boundaries from loved ones. Without them, manipulation will win the day which will do neither you nor your husband any good. All addicts know when a loved one means business and despite trying to up the ante to get the person to stay as they were, still do respond to a "no" meaning "no" on some level. And in a way it helps them too in that they receive the full consequences of their addiction which brings them to their rock bottom faster which means that they are that bit closer to being ready to embrace recovery.

I realize now I should have left two years ago. However, I stayed and believed all the "I will change, I won't lie anymore, I SWEAR this time is different," etc. I had always threatened to leave, but never did. Now, I've absolutely hit my own rock bottom of sadness, despair, hurt, hopelessness, anger, shame, embarrassment, etc.

It totally rings true when you say I need to stick to my guns and stay firm unless and until he chooses recovery. However, as a spouse, I don't know what that looks like. All I hear him say is "I'm not going to lie to you anymore." And my response is always "I don't believe anything you say." I don't know what he's doing to recover, and to work on it. I honestly think there's been too much damage done for me to ever be able to believe one thing that comes out of his mouth.

He is absolutely the type that will have to receive the full consequences of his lying (losing me, because he says that's the only thing he's ever wanted) before he will truly attempt a change.

I am not perfect, and I definitely have not reacted well to his lying. I have turned into a detective, despite my horror at my own metamorphosis. I have yelled, called him names, etc. But, what really puts the icing on the cake is that he says he lies b/c he's "afraid of my reaction." He blames HIS OWN LYING on ME! That's the manipulation piece that breaks my heart the most in all of this - the fact that he can twist this around and make ME the cause of his lying.

The irony here Melomom is that HE IS AFRAID OF YOUR REACTION. The following is taken from the Recovery and Mediation Kit I created...

“YOUR SHOUTING FRIGHTENS ME”

Lying addicts greatly fear it when their loved ones shout and scream at them for their lying. They can only stand there and take it. Often, the fear of getting shouted at can be what persuades the lying addict to lie more to put off any possible confrontation.

This, of course, creates mayhem when they are then caught in these lies and their worst fear comes true. When asked at these times to “tell me the truth”, they are in extreme inner panic and their already shaky judgement is completely clouded. When the loved one then becomes relentless in trying to get the lying addict to confess their lies, they will use every means necessary to protect themselves and their addiction.

Lying addicts will sometimes tell the truth to their loved ones but this often ends in tears as there is usually fighting of some description that follows it as the truth hurts them. The loved one will sometimes promise they will not get angry but will do so anyway and this can further deter the lying addict from telling the truth again in the future.

Melomom... I understand where you are coming from though in relation to the gas-lighting that goes on in lying addiction relationships and how that can mess with the mind and make a person feel like they are going insane. Understand that this is not personal on behalf of your husband though even though it may feel like it. He is simply driven by his addiction to save his own skin in all situations and has to lie as part of the "DNA" of his addiction.

The question now though is what are you going to do about it? You know his lies are going to continue for the foreseeable future while he is still in progressed active addiction so a decision needs to be made and then stuck to as mentioned if you are ever to get peace of mind. Your gut will know if he is ever ready for recovery and you can always reverse the decision. I know it is tough not knowing what a boundary looks and feels like but the only way to find out is to have one last push at creating one because sadly, often the only thing which usually brings a lying addict to their knees is the loss of the person they love most in the world.

Lying addicts CAN recover and live honestly but like all recovery from addiction, it takes time.

Big Hug.