My Sexually Dysfunctional Boyfriend

This Valentine's Day I will celebrate my seventh anniversary with my boyfriend. We've been living together for three of those seven years. We've had sex less than twenty times and it has been well over a year since we last had sex. My boyfriend has serious intimacy/sexual issues that prevent him from having a healthy sex life. Our sex life now revolves around him and his emotional/physical state. I was a virgin when I met him. I'm only writing this here because I don't feel like I can say it to anyone, I feel like no one would care. And no one really does. But it hurts to keep on going, not being able to talk to him because it will give him additional anxiety. I'm 24 and I'm only getting older. I don't know if I should stay or leave and I'm not ready to commit to either decision. I've never had another offer for a date or anything, but sometimes I think just being alone where I didn't have to repress all of my sexual feelings would be a step up. But then I would be alone. I hate my boyfriend's sexual dysfunction and I'm tired of trying to help. All I ever wanted was to feel loved and love someone back. I wanted to feel all of the magical things I was told I would feel when I fell in love and none of that stuff has been in this relationship. I just feel so alone and afraid and ignored and unhappy and I wanted to share that with the vast emptiness of the Internet before I went to bed.

I hope this doesn't sound mean, but it might be time to leave. At least for a little while. You need to find how to be happy on your own, and so does he. Maybe if you leave, it will force him to step up and confront his problem. Be that with you, or someone else. Nothing will change if you don't do something different.
Just my two cents.

I gotta agree with talonboy on this one. It seems like it's time to end the relationship officially. It sounds like it already is ended, but neither one of you has admitted it yet. A relationship without sex is called friendship. If a guy isn't comfortable enough around you to be physically intimate there really is something wrong. Especially after so many years together. He's gotta be cheating, or just whacking off in private if you aren't having sex. That's the truth. I would end it, and maybe see if he wants to remain friends, although he doesn't seem like he'd be a very good friend even if he already ignores you as it is. You obviously care for him. I know it must be real difficult to decide what to do, but you need to accept that you haven't been able to change him during your time together so far, and also that it's not your responsibility to save him or help him forever. I think you'll regret it if you spend more time in the relationship. Don't spend your life hoping for something that will never be. The way you described him makes me think that he's not ready to be in a relationship. He might even want to end it secretly, but just hasn't told you. If your considering it, it's highly likely that he has also. It's quite possible that he just isn't in love with you in a romantic way. Even the fact that your afraid to talk to him because it might cause him more anxiety is a real big problem. Once you lose the ability to communicate how you feel, a relationships already doomed. It's just a matter of time before it falls apart, so why keep dragging it out.

It's a mistake to give up years of your life for someone who really will never be the man you need. Don't settle for someone you know in your heart isn't the one. He WILL survive, and so will you. Don't wait till your 20's are gone before you realize it. It think it would do you both good to be on your own. There's nothing wrong with that. You can find the right person, but you have to be willing to look for it. If that means ending a stagnant relationship then that's what you need to do. I hope I make sense. I don't claim to know you, I'm just giving my point of view is all. I'm sure there's more to it then just what's in your post. I wish you luck with whatever you end up doing.

I guess I agree with the others. It is up to us to deal with any problems we may have and not up to our partners to simple accept our issues without challenging us to fix them.
Try sitting him down and tell him you are considering leaving him if things do not get better. We all need to feel loved and wanted in a relationship, there is nothing wrong with you confronting him on the issue.

Good Luck

I wonder how this went. I feel very sorry for both partners. But I agree and I hope she left for her own sake.

I think the replies here have been very unfeeling and they dont have any idea what sexual dysfunction --as the docs call it--feels like for a male. It is often assumed the person ins't interested or as someone says is 'scretly whackin off'---as though other people dont do that and can STILL perform. So let me tell you what it is like. You can have SUCh passion for the person but just cannot express it physically and so feel so much shame, and it is such a complex problem --and so many voices are saying try this do that do the other buy this etc etc--you just dont know what to do
So have a bit of feeling for what he is going through. A HUGE part of the problem is the expectation for the penis to erect and stay that way. Dont think that way---rather get into intimacy. Sexualitry is not JUST the genitals, and it is NOT trus that it means your just friends if you dont have intercourse. How many friends get naked and caress each other?!
So the thing is to do that--dont care, and when you are being intimate that way remember those that dont have that!! And be thnakful

I am very well acquainted with sexual dysfunction having a husband with issues. I have empathy for him as he makes an effort to solve both sexual and emotional problems. If this guy won't make the effort why should she remain and continue to be unhappy? She can only change herself and leaving is a very valid choice.

But already that is pressure. 'whay wont he make an effort'? What does THAt meahn. he is anxious enough and you are laying more pressure on him. IF she wants to leave him do it, but dont prettify it up as though HE is in the wrong. She doesn't know what it is like--No woman can--just like males dont know some women's problems dont pretend you know this one!!

Is it pressure to respectfully request that he address his issues? If he can't handle anything like that he is not relationship material. Adults make reasonable requests of one another. When a reasonable request is just too much to handle then there either needs to be more talk (impossible here) or help sought or acceptance (she isn't happy) or leaving.

You must advocate coddling over reasonable adult requests. Empathy is all anyone can offer but it doesn't mean you have to stay with someone who can't handle a situation.

And a dysfunction is a problem. And he is the one with the.problem. but his.biggest one is that he won't address it.

Boys get bored with same sexual life, the reason might be same that he is not interested any more in you. Better is to find some new good relations if you want to enjoy your sexual life.
good luck.