I am a married, female sex addict and am terrified

I know this is a little long but I can't leave any of it out and am desperate for help. Please read it.

I feel an incredible amount of pain and fear right and I'm not asking you to go easy on me; I just know how hurtful my actions are already and need to get a little guidance and perhaps be able to talk to someone who is like me... (although I really wouldn't wish that on anyone) versus being told what a horrible person I am. Other forums have produced nothing but people who want to just stop by and tell me I'm $#%^. I don't see the point.

I'm 28 years old. I guess I would list among my good qualities good humor, attractiveness, and willingness to do anything for anyone (not sure how unselfish this is, though). But none of that really matters. If people knew me they would look away in disgust and never trust me again. I am a serial cheater. I have, in one year, cheated on my husband with 6 different people, numerous times. This seems a modest number to me compared to what I could have easily let myself done. Having 2 children has limited my time extensively. Otherwise I have no idea what I would have been able to do. I had emotional relationships with three of these people although they weren't healthy... duh. I have led a completely double life. In addition to sleeping with these other people I also watch porn on a very regular basis and masturbate and also compulsively masturbate when not watching porn as well. I also sleep with my husband although this last affair left me feeling without desire for him because I was attempting to totally disconnect. When I am not f***ing I am thinking about f***ing. I wouldn't say that I am physically aroused all the time (of course I am on a regular basis, though)- I would more say that I am mentally aroused constantly. Aggressively. And people would never know. Ever. (Unless they were someone that engaged with me in usage and I can spot the people who will a mile away).

Now... lemme tell you what I am really thinking. With each man I sleep with, I feel an incredible ego boost - almost like another notch in my belt. I usually go for men that have emotional needs that are left from abuse. I don't know this when I meet them... it just seems to happen every time. Because I was sexually abused in sick ways and was such a sexual screw up at such a young age I think I feel a closeness with these people. I was raped and tortured at the ages of 4 and 5 and I had a sexual relationship with my cousin at 7 and was abusive to him. I started compulsively masturbating when I was about 8 and never stopped. I was always seeking sexual connections with people all the time to feel worth their time and to make them feel things for me and "love" me and "like" me. Of course it doesn't last. I think we see each others needs and sense it in each other before we ever talk about it. The last man I was with was raped as a grown man while in the military by three other men. We both had problems and used each other, all the while telling each other we "loved" each other. He became obsessed with me and repeatedly asked me if I "promised" that I loved him. I said I loved him even though I didn't. I basically had no conscience about this. I knew it would be f***ed up in the end anyway so why not go along with it... it was like a high and I actually fooled myself into thinking that maybe I could have emotions. When he saw that I would not leave my husband he grew distant and unreadable. He said he couldn't handle me going home with another man every night. Last week I was at his apartment and he wasn't giving in to me sexually like I thought he "should" and I basically sexually assaulted him. If I had been a man and him a woman I could have seriously hurt him. If someone saw what I did and I had been a MAN, they would have thought I was a predator. I'm scared I'm becoming one. I'm scared because I didn't even really care whether he wanted it or not. I wanted him to want it and was enraged (and eventually listless as I left) when he wouldn't give in. I felt so out of control and angry and rejected and pathetic.

I can't even watch porn anymore and get off because I have watched so much for so long that watching people have sex (in ANY way) is boring to me. The porn I've started watching is getting more and more disturbing and I'm just sick of it. I do it while my kids are at home sometimes and my 2 year old has seen the computer open with porn on it when she runs up out of nowhere and jumps in my lap or on the couch. I know this is WRONG and can damage her. Of course I have to limit it at that point and that leaves me frustrated as hell. I feel like I'm going to spin in circles or bang my head on the wall or something. It's like I can't get enough stimulation in any way shape or form to make the anxiety and tension go away.

When I can't have sexual gratification I am so f***ing pissed at the person who doesn't allow it. When I want to have sex at home and my kids are at home I feel like my life is going to hell and everything is horrible and I'm so angry that I had kids, etc, etc... because I can't have sex when I want it.

My goal is to get myself to where I feel so much pain that I can't feel at all. I want to use and use and use so that I'll never feel bad about someone I really love leaving me or wanting someone else. Even my husband who is so loving and committed to me and respectful. I mean, I've never seen a man who is so devoted to his wife sexually and in every other way. So it's not that I am scared he'll leave because of his actions. It's that I hate myself and cannot feel or accept his love. At that point (where I feel so much pain I'm to the point of no return) I'll know that I am in control and that they can never hurt me. I don't have to be afraid to lose them because I have severed the emotional intimacy and connection already.

I feel so much POWER.

I have told my husband all of this (ALL OF IT) and he is willing to stay with me and go to counseling - individual and marital. I am horrified to give up my addiction because if I am a lost cause I won't have the drug. Then what will I do??? If I stay in the marriage and work on it and don't cheat... I will just have to feel the pain and I am not capable at this point of tolerating it. My husband is ridiculously perfect and totally devoted to me. I do not understand this. All I know is that I want to use the drug so bad and I am mortified of what I will be without it. Empty, empty, empty... and alone. I don't think I'll be able to go on.

Yes, you can go on. There is a better future for you, but you have to really want it and fight like hell for it. You're story sounded a lot like mine, although I have not had sex with anyone but my wife since we started dating. I have been tempted and obsessed, and that's why I'm seeking help.

Don't give up so easily. You seem like you have so much to live for. I have been in the same boat as you and had great results from EMDR trauma therapy. I am a fellow survivor of sexual abuse, and those experiences at a very young age twisted me just like you.
You're not disgusting or a monster. You have been damaged and you need help. Without any opportunity to heal from the wounds of childhood, we survivors find ourselves stuck in the same behavior patterns...usually not healthy ones.

Because you were traumatized as a child, I highly recommend you try EMDR. It's not easy. Very, very intense and it leaves you shaken to the core, but it can help you up to 4 times faster than conventional therapy. You also would benefit greatly from joining a 12 step program like SLAA or similar groups. If no groups are in your area, online meetings can help.

I wish I could say more, but it's really up to you. I wish you the best in your recovery. Coming here was a big step, so give yourself a pat on the back.

Because we have so many similarities, feel free to talk with me anytime. You're not alone.

Bringmetolife: Thank you so much for your reply and for not judging me. That means a lot even from a stranger. I have heard of EMDR and I would like to talk to you about your experience with it if you don't mind; so I might be messaging you soon. Knowing that I must face certain feelings in therapy is mainly what has kept me from doing it. It scares the hell outa me. I get scared even thinking about living day to day life without my fantasy world and without my outlet. I suppose that what I'm forgetting is that with the tools and (hopefully) the healing that I will gain from therapy I won't be left completely without resources to face life without the addiction (like I am now). Thinking about being where I am now with no "drug" is very intimidating and makes me sad and overwhelmed. I keep telling myself to "take it one day at a time" instead of thinking so far into the future and feeling dread. Thanks for your support.

You're very welcome. I'll gladly chat with you about EMDR whenever you're up to it. Hang in there

hello krista I would be lying if I said to you that you can stop your sex addiction by just really putting up a fight like hell. But as you know from your own experiences no matter how good your intentions are you reach a point where you do not care what you have to do in order to get what you want. The good news is you can overcome this problem no matter how bad your childhood may have been but it is going to take some time and some competent guidance from someone who has personally dealt with this problem himself. I overcame four addictions myself including sex addiction. For more info on addiction and how it is overcome please contact me or visit my page http://www.addictioncontrol.blogspot.com I hope this helps.

Hi jaybaines30. I agree that a certain amount of guidance is necessary, but the bulk of the work is up to the individual. I was only able to do 1 or 2 sessions of EMDR a month because of my schedule, so a lot of the processing was up to me. I pushed myself to do things like going to see places where rapes or molestations had happened in order to confront my feelings head on. This kind of thing can't be avoided, and having someone hold your hand isn't always an option. It takes a great deal of self motivation and self discipline, as well as brutal self honesty.

Krista, I feel for you. You are not alone, and you are not an evil person. But sadly my advice stops there as I am in a similar position and cannot control myself. I am a new member to this site also and I am reaching out for help. Reading your post has made me feel so related and given me more motivation to break this addiction. I'm going to start my own post looking for help, but if you do find any resources or advice that helps you please fill me in so I can stop hurting my family and others in this world.

Hi Krista,

I admire your honesty in your post, I'm at a bit of a lose as to what to say as I have just recently come to terms with my sex addiction. When you say you feel like you have so much power I understand completely what you mean. Sex can leave you feeling so empowered as if you are hitting a higher level of conciousness. The admiration and attentiveness of some men is just as addictive and it feeds the pleasure principle in our psyche (the ID). But of course like our ancestors in history with great power comes an even greater downfall and the impact will hit us so hard we may not be able to put ourselves back together.

When I was five years old my mother was commited to a psychiatric hospital to be treated for a hysterical breakdown. I was left to be looked after by my grandmother after school until my father would come and pick me up. My grandfather was a hateful man and he would terrorise me when my grandmother wasn't around because I would be making too much noise for him whilst playing. I would hid behind the livingroom chair crying for my mum and he would do nothing but sit there and watch his tv. My own father was no better, he was emotionally cut off from everybody and the only response i would get from him was a slap around the head for misbehaving. My eldest sister would have been about 15 and she had to take on mums role with me and my other older sister, she was the only light i had as my other sister would take out her anger on me and beat me when no one was around. My eldest sister fell pregnant at 17 and was kicked out by my father so my secondary mother figure was gone my primary mother a basket case and no father figure to lean on. There was no one but my best friend at the time who i started to develop an very intimate relationship with. He suffered an abusive childhood at the hand of his father. At the age of 8 we were doing things to each other that alot of people would call "perverted" or say that the only way we knew how to do those things had to be because we were being sexually abused. This was not the case at all, we just did things to comfort eachother because we needed it. I guess we were in love on some degree but he had terrible baggage and anger issues and our friendship ended abruptly by the time we were 10 after his mother found out about what we were doing. My heart was broken. Everyone kept getting taken away from me, there was no one left. I have realised that the times when i feel the snake inside me rattle the strongest is when I am feeling isolated, alone and feel as though everyone is leaving me that comes from my the isolation and abandonment i felt as a child (and yes, that is a reference to the movie Black Snake Moan). I'm sorry I'm not trying to win "who has the biggest sob story" here your post just made me think and I wanted to share.

I guess what I am trying to say is similar to what Chucky said in another post to another poster that certain events in our childhood shape the adult that we become and it can manifest in any different forms. By the sounds of your post you understand this well and that is what is going to get you through this the ability to acknowledge your problem and to analyse it. Everyone on this forum and in the world has the power of choice. We can choose to control our minds or let our minds control us and that really is easier said than done.

You're not alone in this

Krista,

We can look at this from a different perspective.

You clearly are a healthy person as you have a strong sex drive. There's nothing wrong with that. But sex drive is just that - a desire, an expression of animal instinct. Pleasure is part of the survival instinct.

If we listen only to the animal part of our brains, and allow that 'voice' to substitute itself for the larger, smarter, intelligence voice that is who we are, then we will pursue pleasure relentlessly.

Humans, however, are not animals. They have the ability to make rational choices based on individual values. We use our intelligence, our massive pre frontal cortex, to decide how to act.

If you are making choices that contradict your values, and acting in ways that are contradictory to those values (ie allowing your animal instinct to lead you instead of your intelligence), then this can lead to the relentless pursuit of pleasure and the trouble that that can bring.

If you ask me, when you say you feel powerful when you have sex, you are fulfilling your animal desires, you're listening to the animal voice. But then later, you (the real you) realizes that this is in conflict with your real core values, and you feel bad about yourself again, which leads you to start the cycle all over again.

When you stop the behavior, what happens? Fear, anxiety, loneliness? These are the animal aspect of you saying 'wait a second, you can't do that, we're buddies, you have to help me...'

So, ask yourself, do you need the drug because you have the pain? Or do you have the pain because of the drug? If you stop the behavior that is causing the pain, then you won't need the behavior because you won't have the pain!

What if you made yourself a plan to stop the behavior? What if, based on what you value (family, husband, health, children etc.) you make a conscious, rational choice - i.e. you say to yourself "I will never have sex with a stranger again" or "I will never have sex with anyone but my husband again" or whatever plan you decide for yourself - and tell yourself that you will never change your mind about it?

If you hear a voice screaming inside you "No! I can't do that", realize that that is just the animal voice - and since it is just a voice, it can do nothing. Ask it if it can move your finger. It can't. It needs your help. It's a tricky little bugger though, because it hijacks the word "I" from you, masquerading as YOU.

So, make the plan.
When the voice screams out, just tell yourself, I hear you.
Remind yourself of the plan - I never do that, and I'll never change my mind.
Give it a chance to work.

When should you do this? Now.

There is only now. Not tomorrow. Not next year, not after counseling or after I have one more fling (animal voice talking...).

Now.

What do you think?

Oh, and what I have to say about the terrible things that were perpetrated against you in the past? They're in the past. But what you may hear from that tiny animal voice screaming loudly is that you have to act out because these things happened to you. But it's not true. Remember why you married the guy you did - you recognized that he has strong core values that you admire and believe in yourself, and that you can pass along to your children. Anything else is just irrational, and contradictory to your plan.

Krista

When I read your post it was such a relief that I am not alone.

I too am married with children, yet i spend most of my spare time in internet chat rooms talking to anonymous men, satisfying their urges and my own. At first I would just sit and read other people's conversations while I touched myself, but soon began to take part.I would chat to men who appeared nice and normal, chatting about our sex lives and what turned us on. Of course this too became tame and I started indulging in cyber sex and role play, each time things becoming more extreme than the last. Several times I have deliberately got changed before logging on just to allow "ease of access" so to speak.

My latest thrill seeking has seen me sending naked photos of myself (albeit anonymised) to an array of men, who all seem more than willing to reciprocate. I have almost been caught several times by my husband, which I think adds to the excitement, although part of me longs for him to find me out so that I will have to stop.

To date I have not actually met anyone that I have chatted to online but I am afraid that that will be the next step. Quite a few guys have expressed their desire to meet up and a couple of times I have contemplated it. Indeed if it wasn't for the children I know that I would by now have cheated physically as well as mentally.

I wish I had your courage to confront this issue with my husband, but inside I feel that he is part of the reason why I do what I do. I know he loves me, he is a great father, he is kind and gentle, but he doesn't make me feel attractive or desired any more. When I chat to these men, the feelings of lust and desire I can elicit just by my words excites me so much I often become moist without even touching myself.

I am ashamed to say that as soon as I finish this post I won't be able to stop myself finding someone else to boost my ego.

Krista, stick with it and prove to me it can be done, because I can sense myself going the same way as you.

Good luck

Tracey x