I've never been this depressed in my entire life.

First off, I'm a male. Age 22. This may trigger slightly. I don't know. This is my first post.

I've lost people and friends in my life, but for some reason, I've never felt so empty, alone and depressed in my life until now. I don't know how to begin this or how to properly end, so I apologize up front for the convoluted mess this will be.

Two girl cousins of mine, aged about 12-14/14-16 when this happened, touched me when I was 6-8. They used to come over and spend the night on the weekends, and we'd sleep in the same bed together. I guess my parents didn't think anything wrong of it. And at the time, I didn't think of anything bad going on either. At 6-8, it felt good... that's all I knew. To put it all into blunt layman's terms, they rubbed my legs, stroked me and moaned (I think they masturbated while doing this). Now, the only reason I can think they did this is because they were around their formative years, hormones running high, and they wanted to experiment with a boy, so "heck," I guess the thought, since I was a boy, we were alone and it was at night.

This was never brought up again. Nothing ever happened between us after that. But it stayed with me. I remember it to this day. I relived it in my mind in the years following. I'd fantasize about, and I'd fantasize about both of my cousins. As years passed and I entered my 'formative years', the lust intensified, but I sublimated that lust to two other girl cousins of mine, ones that never did anything to me!

Over the years, I've spent time online reading incest stories on sex sites and watching incest roleplay videos. I'm practically addicted. And I feel highly guilty about it. Why? Because I've spent time pleasuring myself to pictures of said girl cousins. Now, their ages? One's 28, one's 31, one's 33 and one's 37. The ones that are 28 and 31 touched me, but I don't think of it as abuse. Or, well, I cannot convince myself that it was abuse. I don't see myself as a victim of incest. They just did it for a couple of months, maybe around a year, and that was that. It's stayed with me since then, though, and I feel guilty about fantasizing about my female cousins. They are attractive women, and it irritates me. I have a great relationship with the 37 and 33 year olds... which makes me feel awful that I've thought about them like I have. I DON'T want to, but the lust and powerful proclivity to get off to the thoughts of them is more intense than I can write about here.

My self-confidence is at an all-time low. Good god, it's shot. I've had feelings of worthlessness for a while now. Nostalgia completely dominates my mind. And this is a different reason. I was in a relationship for four years. Best time of my life, or so I thought. The incestuous thoughts and fantasies over my female cousins stopped, but in December 2011, the relationship ended. She cheated on me. This girl went from being an absolute angel to an veritable vixen. At one point of the relationship, for the first few years, she treated me like a king, constantly telling me things like "you are the greatest thing that's ever happened to me; how did a girl like me get a guy like you?; I'm so lucky"... eventually her attitude turned sour, she stopped being sweet, stopped being so feminine, started being bitterly sarcastic (like a facade covering for hidden hostility) and flat out cheated on me, and is still today, with the other guy, and it's driven me to the point of intense depression. For that reason, my self-confidence in the ground, and the nostalgia hurts, because I remember all the amazing memories we made and it has left me insane. I miss the way things were a few years ago. I hate the way things are now.

It's been six months. I last talked to her in February, and all I got was, "Hey, sorry about what happened. But what happened, happened. I'm not as mature as you. Have a happy life. Goodbye." Ever since then... the past six months of my life... has been... a living hell. Words cannot explain. I'm going crazy, I think.

How does incest play into all of this? I slipped back into old habits. Started reading stories again, started watching the roleplays, started fantasizing about my female cousins...

Those of you reading this probably don't even think I belong on this board, but I needed to write about this. I'm at an all-time low in my life. Feelings of worthlessness have crippled me. And I virtually have no self-confidence because of what she did to me. I bestowed her with this power the minute I fell in love with her. She took advantage of me, and I blame myself for the downfall of the relationship.

I feel so damn guilty about the incestuous stuff. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go to therapy. I don't want to talk to somebody face to face, or look them in the eyes, or be in the same room with them. I don't want to let my family know by saying, "Hey! Going to therapy." "What for?" "Oh, I don't know, just some illicit lust"... I just...

I just want to be happy again, you know? Like I was 3-4 years ago... I was at an all-time high back then...compared to now. What happened to me?

I feel like I'll never amount to anything, I'll never find a girl like the way she was for the first 2 years of our relationship, I'll never find a girl as beautiful as she was, I'll never be as happy as I was, and I'll never be able to shake off these damning thoughts about my girl cousins.

I know the negative thinking is there, but it's been around for a reason. Love is a dog from hell, as Charles Bukowski once put it.

Welcome to the forum

You do belong here and I am really sorry to hear how much you are struggling.

It sounds like a lot of complex things are going on for you and I wondered when reading your post if you are seeing a therapist as it sounds like there is a lot there to talk to a therapist about. I think this would help you work through the incest issues and also the issues related to your past relationship.

Please keep talking here too and we will do our best to support you

Cracked

Hey! Welcome to the forum

After sufffering trauma, many people go into denial about how there feeling. It can be hard as you feel as if your throughts are somewhat irrational and try to lock them away by not confronting them.
Unfortunately, what you experienced was sexual abuse. Like i've learnt, if it's something you replay back in your head it obviosuly meant something to you. Try stay strong, Everyone has a value to society!
Do you have a close friends you'd like to talk to about this, or even someone in your immediate family?

Best of luck
x

(For references in this post: I will refer to the girl cousins that touched me as M and S. M is the younger one, and S is the older one. For the two girl cousins that I've always had a great relationship with and never touched me, but I still fantasize about, I'll refer to them as Denise and Rebecca... not their real names.)

Thanks for the welcomes. I really, really appreciate it. I wrote last night's post fairly quickly. Impulsively, actually. I've been wanting to post for a while, but I've been put off at the idea of wording it correctly. Some days, like today, I feel better than usual. Usually it's because the sun is out and I've gotten a good workout in. Resistance training, i.e weightlifting, has helped me out a lot. Fights the stress and keeps the incestuous lust away for a little while (but then again, could aid in bringing the thoughts back because of the maintenance of healthy testosterone levels).

I want to write about some things I didn't talk about in my first post. I hope it isn't triggering, but like I said, I don't know if it will be or not.

I still find it incredibly difficult to think of myself as an abused individual of incest... I guess it's because I'm a guy, I have dirty fantasies and what they did to me felt really good. If you say the word 'abuse', I think of violence, not something that feels good. If you said the words 'victim of incest' to me and asked what gender that would come to mine, I would instantly think of a helpless little girl... I know that's not the case whatsoever, but I guess that's what my mind has keyed in on over the years.

M was the first girl I ever saw naked. Her and S would get naked around me, and oftentimes get naked under the covers at night and coerce me to, as well. There was a lot of rubbing and humping. They are the ones that taught me to 'hump'... it felt really good against them... I learned about sex early, even if I didn't understand it. All I knew was that it felt good and we were all naked. I think human beings are curious creatures, and I guess I was. I I knew it was sexual. They let me touch them and rub up against them. I guess that's another reason why I don't feel like I've been abused, because I had the option not to and I didn't stop myself, but I don't remember wanting to stop.

I remember once, I took a bath with M. The first time I ever saw a girl naked. I remember that experience vividly.

I don't know if they were abused when they were younger or not. But they never lived with my uncle. They lived with their mothers, and she was a bit of a promiscuous woman, always dating these jailbird guys, roughneck looking dudes... so who knows what went on...

As for my relationship with M and S now. They come around sparingly. They are always working and dealing with the families they have now, they only stop by maybe once or twice a year, always on Christmas (only for the food, really).

After 2000, I barely had anything to do with M. She's rail-thin kind of skinny. Too skinny. I'm sure she's hooked on drugs. Again, who knows... she acts alright when she comes around, but... I don't know.

S is the bigger issue. Even after the touching, humping, experiences, etc. she was always sexual. Still is, today. She's a prankster, too. If you first met her, you would never guess that she did all of this or is as sexual as she is, but the truth is kind of amusing. She lives the white picket fence lifestyle. A husband, two kids and a big home in a nice neighborhood...

S is probably the reason why I'm into short, curvy girls with thick thighs and big butts, because of all of what happened... I wonder sometimes how my life would be today if what happened so many years ago would have never happened... if I'd still be into reading the stories or watching the videos I mentioned.

Whenever S is around, she makes sexual innuendos. One time she sent me a text back in 2007 or sometime, "How often do you get a boner?" I never responded to it. 2007 was a year when she was around a lot. She'd sit on my lap, all playfully when everybody was around, and when nobody was, she'd grind against me. What could I have said or done? In all honesty, she's a physically attractive female, and she did this up against me during a hormone-raging year... what was I to do?

She asked plenty of questions a few years ago that I will not mention here. Some as jokes. Some serious. I'm certain that I would have had sex with her in 2007 if not for her husband being home. I'm not going to get into that, though.

I just feel guilty about being attracted to them, and sick at myself for it... and not only that, there are two other girl cousins of mine, Denise and Rebecca, that never did a thing to me, but I'm also attracted to them. Remember my mention of curvy girls with thick thighs and big butts because of S? Well, there's Denise and Rebecca... they fit that description, too.

I've always felt guilty about family vacations. Being around Denise and Rebecca, especially during the summertime, being aroused by watching them in their tight fitted clothing or when they'd wear bikinis, or getting excited by the sight of their underwear.

I honestly feel like I can't help it, though... it's the biggest turn-ons that I can't shake!

Is it normal to feel this way, after all that happened when I was younger, to be so extremely aroused by them? If it's so normal, then why the heck do I feel so guilty about it? I thought the urges would stop by my 20s, but here I am at 22 and I'm in lust when the 'moments' happen. I feel like a terrible person for some of the messed up sexual scenarios I've conjured in my mind.

The only person in my life that I've told this story to is my best friend. He's like a brother to me, practically, but I don't think he believes me, which enrages me. He doesn't see it as abuse, which only makes me feel that much more guilty. He sees it as, "What, dude, you had two hot girls do that with you at that age?! What a dawg you are, man! Lucky you!" Yeah, well, I don't feel lucky at all. I feel like a depraved pervert.

There's no way in the world I'll ever mention it to anybody in my family, though. They'd probably say I'm crazy. They'd probably believe me about M and S, maybe... they'd probably tell me that they were just joking around without believing the full-on story about what happened. I just think it's awfully odd that when M and S come around, they act normal as can be and as if nothing ever happened all these years ago.

I have these lustful demons in my head, and this is the only place, anonymously, that I feel like I can let it all out and not be judged, secretly ridiculed or treated like a perverted outcast that shouldn't be around society.

Denise and Rebecca have sit on my lap, before, and I feel guilty as hell about it. They don't do it pervertedly either. It's not sexual, for them. For me, it's another story, because I've thought about sex with them. We have a great relationship between one another... I feel awful during times like these, the spring or summer time, and hanging out with them, because they, just, they look good. That's the only way I can describe it. They look GREAT, even. Sexually attractive is how I view them, and I wish I didn't, but I can't stop myself. I get these insanely dirty thoughts in my mind being around them, and it bothers me when they are hanging out, smiling, laughing, having a good time, joking around, and I'm sitting there riddled with lustful thoughts about them. I'll never act on anything, ever, ever, ever. I just wish I could get it out of my mind.

And with my self-confidence at an all-time low, I'm at the crossroads in my life with how I'm going to respond to this adversity. I feel angry and guilty, all the time, and I've done well by sublimating the anger and guilt with resistance training/weightlifting, but it can only help so much before I'm lying in bed at night, aroused, and having depraved thoughts about my girl cousins.

I'm glad I'm here with a community that simply understands. The aussie_surfer (might have completely forgotten his exact username) poster gave me the inspiration to post this... so, a big shout out and thank you to him for posting his thread and giving me the guts/inspiration to share my story and write about what's been eating me up for as long as I can remember.

Hi Neurotoxic,

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you are suffering and I hope that this forum will give you an opportunity to process what you struggle with up to some extend, even though it is not a substitute for professional help. I hope you will consider seeing a therapist at some point because they will be able to help you to make sense of your experiences and the effects of those experiences on you.

I have to say that what your cousins did to you was a clear-cut sexual abuse. Many sexual abuse survivors, especially males, have a problem recognizing it because of some common myths about abuse that exist in our society. I'd like to address them one by one and I hope that what I say will make sense to you.

Myth1: Abuse is violence. If there is no violence, there is no abuse.

Fact Abuse and violence are not interchangeable terms. Sometimes abuse includes violence, sometimes it doesn't. Abuse is taking advantage of the other person's vulnerable position to fulfill the perpetrator's needs whether sexual or emotional, often both.

You were a 6-year old kid and your cousins were much older than you and, therefore, you were the vulnerable one and they were more powerful. They were teenagers and at a completely different developmental level, so they clearly exploited your vulnerable position. Again, abuse is not necessarily violence, it is also exploitation of any sort.

Myth2: If I enjoyed it, it wasn't abuse.

Fact: The fact that we may have pleasant physiological reaction from being touched in a certain way doesn't mean that we are not being abused. It's natural for our bodies to enjoy sexual touch. That doesn't mean that we are not being exploited. Abuse is not defined by how our bodies react to it, but by the fact that we are being taken advantage of.

Myth3 I could have stopped it at any time, but I chose not to and, therefore, it wasn't abuse.

Fact: A vulnerable person doesn't have much of a choice because he or she is not in a good position to understand what is in their best interests.

As a 6-year old child you had absolutely no choice. A 6-year old child has no capacity to understand what is in his best interests and to protect himself. When something feels good, he just goes along with the good feeling without giving much thought to what is happening. Little kids act on instincts, they don't act consciously as the conscious mind is not much developed at that age. Therefore, little kids don't have the necessary knowledge and power to act in their best interests, so they cannot "choose" to be or not to be victims.

Myth4 Since I am a man, I can't be a victim of sexual abuse.

Fact: Yes, you can. Males get abused as well and the reason why this myth that only females can be victims is being perpetuated in the society is because males are much less unlikely to report the incidents of abuse than females because of the gender stereotypes. Besides, you were not a man at the time when the abuse took place. You were a 6-year old kid.

I hope what I said makes sense. You are free to see your past experience however you want to see it, but I would not be true to myself if I didn't tell you how I see it.

I am very sorry for your recent break up with your gf. It sounds like it's been very hard on you.

WM