Masturbating to memories of early and longterm sexual abuse

Spengle wrote:ive kind of learnt to accept it and just enjoy it instead of feel guilty about it but i dont mention them to others i know wouldn't understand.

That's me.

Now, unless I have repressed memories (which could be a possibility) my own sexual abuse was quite... mild in comparison to most posters here. I understand that it's not a contest and it's the abuse and how much it affects the individual (which varies), not the type or degree, but still I often feel a bit of a poser in this forum. Anyway... All I remember for sure is 'bad touches' but the grooming process that was underway (and interrupted) still had a profound effect on me. To this day I fantasize sex with my molester and that is a surefire way to get my motor running. I have done that from the day the molestation ceased and that was over four decades ago now. One day I was scared and making out a police report (I don't think they ever found him), the very next day I was regretting that and wanting him to go all the way with me so bad that was the only thing I could think about.

I stopped feeling guilty about it years ago. I used to feel conflicted about it and caught between lust and hatred of it and him for a really long time but probably about ten years ago I just gave up on it. If I masturbate to it, I masturbate to it. For me, anyway, the time for dealing with it is past. Or at least it's a moot point by now at my age.

I don't know that it's harmful in and of itself. It's going to be the individual and how they deal with those thoughts. Leaving personal conflict (because of religion or upbringing for example) over sexual thoughts or masturbation in and of themselves aside, I think unless it so seriously affects sex and relationships to the point of personal distress or harm done to others, then I don't know a person needs to feel guilty over masturbating to the thoughts of their sexual abuse/incest any more than masturbating to the thought of some hot guy or girl you know. Which I'm sure everyone on the planet has done unless you're a saint.

It's not as if we don't understand that it's not right- that it was an injustice done to us. But it's imprinted and sex is sex. When Pavlov taught that dog to slobber to the ring of a bell, all the dog knew was that bell meant a tasty treat. We understand 'okay that was wrong and should never be done and they were bad people for doing it to us'. But it's still part of what makes us, us. As long as it's kept in our heads, and we can manage to have a halfway decent life in spite of it, then accepting we're going to respond sexually to those thoughts seems to be better than constantly feeling as if we're just the dirtiest things to walk the earth. We didn't do the abuse. It's not as if I'm going to go out and do the same thing to a kid the age I was. It's not as if I don't hope my pederast didn't get caught before he did that to other boys. My personal desires for, and fantasies of him have nothing to do with my real life opinions in real life in this case and what I consider objective reality that he was a sexual predator. So why should I feel guilty? I wasn't the pederast, and I'm not one now. I choose to judge myself by my real-world attitudes: Molesters=Bad and I'm not a shill for NAMBLA, may their junk rot and fall off their bodies then die and go to Hell because that's what they deserve for intentionally ######6 up boys like I was ###$ up. That's got nothing to do with my masturbatory fantasies on what happened to me. As long as I'm not the person that did those things to me, what goes on inside my head stays in my head. And fantasies aren't reality. I'm just too tired of feeling guilty over it. I didn't do the abuse and have zero desire to. Just because I have a thing for older men doesn't make me evil.

Mmm I meant to addendum my last comment but didn't get around to it.

The backstory to the comment I made, is that I'm OCD- and moderator of the OCD forum, and with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder we deal with a lot of ego-dystonic thoughts. So if I seemed quite vociferous in my last comment, that's why. Something I had to come to understand with intrusive thoughts- which isn't what we're talking about here, but follow me I'm going somewhere with it- and something I try to hammer into folks in that forum who have unreasonable fears about being Gay or being a pedophile or transgender or what have you- is that thoughts are just thoughts, to an extent. In the case of unwanted intrusive thoughts, they don't reflect the Id, the core being of a person and what they really are. I have intrusive harm thoughts (have ever since I was about ten- before my pederast, by the way). I haven't acted on them because I'm not a killer.

In the same way, it seems to me that feeling upset or disturbed or dirty or as if you're a bad person, by fantasizing about one's sexual abuse is... pointless, unless it actually impinges upon your life outside of your head, in a bad way. And even then to a small extent would it really be the end of the world, to say, find a sexual partner who engaged in say, age and/or incest role play with you? As far as I know, age-play between consenting adults doesn't indicate a predilection to predatory sexual behavior. Sometimes a kink is just a kink.

Obviously, getting past the past abuse and leaving it all behind would be better. But is masturbating to your abuse that terrible? Unlike those OCD intrusive thoughts I mentioned, they're not intrusive and they are part of our makeup, but at the same time, we're not those adults in our fantasy. We're not perpetrating it. When I have my pederast fantasies, I'm still 12 or 13. What am I doing that's so horrible other than responding to sexual contact? Which we're kinda wired to do.

I'm definitely with Spengle on this. I finally gave up struggling with those desires and just roll with it. If I get off to thinking about my pederast, I get off and get on with the rest of my day. I used to be torn between if I could go back in time into my young body, would I have responded different than I had, and in what direction? Run away from it? Or... go with it. Yeah I stopped worrying about that, too. Not sure what the adult mind with my memories intact, would do if transported back into my youthful self. What I ought to do- kick him in the nuts- and what I would do I don't know. I decided it's irrelevant. I'm slightly broken and that's just all there is to it- as long as I'm not so broken I become the person that broke me, then I ain't going to worry about it.

Oh, also OCD we overthink everything. Can you tell?

LoneSheWolf wrote:Hi , I have just registered here after trying to find somewhere I can share my shame without judgement.

I was abused by both parents from as early as I can remember, with other adults being involved along the way. I was very sexually aware and was masturbating next to my parents as they made love and I seemed to crave that stimulus regularly. The abuse progressed further but as an adult now I can only really reach orgasm by thinking about specific events that happened during that time.

I’m in therapy now and working through these things but the desires have not dissipated.

Any advice? Or fellow sufferers?

Thanks for taking the time to read

X

Oh, dear... I hope you will find a path through this darkness. Just take your time.

I also think that you might find a good sexologist who can set his own way through your feelings (with your agreement) and then find all the necessary answers to why do you still have such fantasies.

Just don't give up.

/quietly give a hug/

Thank you all for your open and honest replies,

I had to make a new account because I forgot my login details here so please excuse my updated username!

I find that meditation helps a lot, I use insight timer and please feel free to check out my meditations there xx

Snaga and Spengle, I’m so glad I’m not alone . I feel so much better knowing there are others like me

Love xx

Well I don't know if you're still active but in case you are I made a post that's very similar (aka I can't get off to anything apart from the abuse).

@VeryPissedOff

Thanks for your msg, I am still active but it seems to take so long to have posts approved and then responded to that I’ve lost hope and motivation. I’ve seen your post on this similar topic and I’m so appreciative of you reaching out to me. I’d love to connect further xx

@Snaga

I think the service you provide as moderator and as a human being with insight to share , is more valuable than gold.

You keep this crazy train from derailing and that’s huge karma balancing

Love you xxx

Well thank you for the kind words, and I need all the Karma I can get. Be a lot harder, without Terry's Ying to my Yang.

@Snaga

Karma is not what most people understand of it. You are being open and caring for those who are lost and on the edge. ( myself included) . No matter what our thoughts are , it’s our humanitarian actions that define us. You are not in karmic debt, quite the opposite.

My gratitude to you and the energy you give out for the greater good,

Love xxx