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I was raped and I am not sure whose baby I am having

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I was raped and I am not sure whose baby I am having

Postby OlaR » Wed Apr 24, 2019 9:36 am

I'd like to share my story here cause I have no close friend I can share this nightmare with.
Middle of March I was snowboarding in Italy with my husband. In the middle of the day we split cause I needed to take a break, while he went on snowboarding down the slopes. We were supposed to meet after 1 hour.
I bought a drink and after a while I went down the stairs of the pub to search for toilet. One guy was following me, I was thinking he was searching for the toilet too.
When I entered the restroom he followed me, locked the door, pushed me against the wall and did it from the back. I didn't even have a close look on his face, the only thing I noticed (or rather felt) was that he used a condom.
I was so shocked and scared I didn't even move or shout, I did nothing.
When my husband came back, I didn't tell him anything. I was so ashamed! I know he would take me to the police and doctor, but I was (maybe stupidly) thinking that it's no sense, as I didn't see exactly the man's face, and since he used a condom, I was hoping not to get pregnant or catch anything. Moreover, we were trying with my husband to have a baby for a couple of months, and I knew that if I get any pill from the doctor, my cycles will become irregular again for a while.
I was also scared that my husband will not want to be with me in bed after what happened, so I decided not to tell him anything. For the first few days that followed, I somehow kept myself strong, I think it was due to the shock. It was like all what happened was a bad dream.
However, when I kept back to the country, slowly I started to realize what actually happened.
The worst of all, 3 weeks later it turned out I am pregnant.
My husband is so happy cause he thinks it's his baby, and I actually hope it is (we did make love in the time of my ovulation), but I also can't stop thinking that SOMEHOW the condom that guy used broke, and he made me pregnant. I know it's stupid, and I am paranoiac, I have already gone through all the online statistics on condoms' effectiveness, and although they are quite reassuring, I am not sure whose baby I am having.
The guy was big and with rather darker skin, while my husband is blonde and has blue eyes, so if the baby is not my husband's, for sure he will realize.
I am scared he will accuse me of cheating him, and I think now it's too late to tell him what happened. How will he believe me?
I feel dirty, I became paranoiac and instead of being happy from the baby I can't stop thinking what can happen if the baby is born...
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Re: I was raped and I am not sure whose baby I am having

Postby avatar123 » Thu Apr 25, 2019 5:24 pm

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Dealing with the trauma of a rape is bad enough, but then to have this worry too, is a very large burden for you to bear.

I think maybe the best thing you could do, is talk to your husband and tell him what happened. I don't think his first reaction will be to assume that you were cheating. I think his first concern will be for your well-being, that you are ok. Then with regard to your pregnancy, you can face that together. Eventually you could do a DNA test to know for sure. Or maybe you would choose not to know and just love the child as a child. Or maybe he would choose to love the child even if it isn't his, as it's still yours. But whatever way it works out, it wouldn't be a secret that you have to keep.

I know this will be difficult for you, but his reaction could be worse if he finds out in some other way. Then he might be upset with you for not telling him, for not trusting him. So I think you have to trust him and be honest. You have to work together as a team on this.

Pregnancy is always a possibility for rape survicors, so you aren't alone in dealing with this. There is counseling available on any of the rape crisis hotlines. They could advise you and let you know of survivor support that may be available in your area. Your husband may need some support as well, someone knowledgeable to talk in addition to you. So please don't be afraid to seek out those reseources. This is a diffcult thing to face for any couple, but it will be better if you face it together.
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Re: I was raped and I am not sure whose baby I am having

Postby OlaR » Sat Apr 27, 2019 11:47 am

The issue is, my husband is so happy with me being pregnant, and he just cannot wait for the child, and I don't really need to stop this joy. The other thing is, if the guy who hurt me did use a condom, the probability of me having his child is rather low, isn't it?
So I'm hoping that the child is my husband's, and he will never know the truth.
I think when I tell him what happened I will only make him suffer while my mood will not get better anyway.
I think I will consider making genetic tests...
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Re: I was raped and I am not sure whose baby I am having

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sat Apr 27, 2019 3:16 pm

But the point is also that you were assaulted and traumatized. What about YOUR joy? Before this happened, weren't you looking forward to getting pregnant and having a baby?

If someone was violent toward you in a different way, wouldn't you tell your husband about it so that he could support you? This is an issue for you to deal with together--it's not your fault this happened.

You need to tell your husband so that you can both sort out your feelings and decide what you want to do. Let him support you. It will be a wedge in your relationship forever if you keep it from him, whether or not he ever finds out, and whether or not the child is his.
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Re: I was raped and I am not sure whose baby I am having

Postby avatar123 » Sat Apr 27, 2019 9:22 pm

It's understandable that you would want to spare his feelings, and not dampen his joy. But you also might consider whether, if the choice was his, he would want to know. You would be making that decision for him.

I guess putting myself in his shoes, I would be extremely concerned about you going through this alone, so I would absolutely want to know, so I could help. If my joy were reduced, then as Gang said, I wouldn't view that as being your fault. I would view it as the fault of the person that attacked you. Also I would do my level best to help you return to a state where you also share in that joy. Gang is right that you absolutely deserve that.

I know it's a leap of faith, in a way, to tell him, but I think you could be mutually happy with that decision, and move forward from this with a reinforced bond of trust between you. Rape is one of the most intimately damaging things that can happen to a person. To share that experience is to trust in the goodness of others, and that things won't get worse with your honesty. That is a journey that all survivors must take. Most of them do get there in the end. So I hope you will get there soon, and trust that your husband really does love you.

-- Sat Apr 27, 2019 3:26 pm --

It's understandable that you would want to spare his feelings, and not dampen his joy. But you also might consider whether, if the choice was his, he would want to know. You would be making that decision for him.

I guess putting myself in his shoes, I would be extremely concerned about you going through this alone, so I would absolutely want to know, so I could help. If my joy were reduced, then as Gang said, I wouldn't view that as being your fault. I would view it as the fault of the person that attacked you. Also I would do my level best to help you return to a state where you also share in that joy. Gang is right that you absolutely deserve that.

I know it's a leap of faith, in a way, to tell him, but I think you could be mutually happy with that decision, and move forward from this with a reinforced bond of trust between you. Rape is one of the most intimately damaging things that can happen to a person. To share that experience is to trust in the goodness of others, and that things won't get worse with your honesty. That is a journey that all survivors must take. Most of them do get there in the end. So I hope you will get there soon, and trust that your husband really does love you.
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