Daughter molested by her dad

Hi. I found out last month that my 5 year old daughter was molested by her father. We haven't been "together" for the past year, but always lived together. He seemed like the nicest guy, I guess you would say a "wolf in sheeps clothing". He was always very nice and helpful..worked, payed the bills, worked with me and my mental health. I never leave them alone with their father often, unless going to the grocery store or if my daughter didn't want to come with me to my family house on occasion "she never wanted to come". Well I got to my family house that night and was looking through photos on google play and reminiscing. I found a video from when my daughter was 3 years old of her father in the bathroom with her. It didn't show much but you could tell he inserted his penis in her mouth and showed his hands moving her up and down with pain on her face. He choked her until her eyes almost popped out and she said "I'm sorry I didn't mean to" and other things amidst her being choked. It was so traumatizing. I immediately called 911 and rushed to my home to grab her and my 2 year old son. I gave my phone to the police but the video had already been deleted, as I had messaged the father letting him know what I found and how angry I was. The police found no evidence of the video, but found a massive amount of child pornography on the computer. I quit my job and was a stay at home mom the past year and a half prior, because I had a weird feeling...my friends would always say he seemed shady and like a pedofile but I thought they were being judgmental. Me and my daughter were always close. She admitted to my mother what happened and also to me, but when she went to talk to the children detectives or anyone else she did not disclose the information. The police still are working on the investigation. I started weekly concealing again and my daughter starts counceling in 2 weeks. I already deal with anxiety and depression. The father has agreed to take his name off the house and is going to presumably get prosecuted for the pornography. The waiting is killing me though. I loved this man for 5 years and it hurts so much. My daughter told me in graphic detail many things. I asked if he put his thing in her mouth, she said no, put her hands to her throat and said "choke on my cock". I never use language like that around her and among the other things she said it is just very shocking and traumatizing. I hear you guys saying it takes years to get past this, but it seems so scary. My daughter also told me he molested my 2 year old son and that she wishes he could tell the detectives instead. Ever since this happened, my daughter won't let me give her hugs or kisses...pushes me away..I just fear for our relationship. My son was showing warning signs of stress when living with the father "pulling his hair" afraid of strangers, although we had a quiet and stress free environment. I am just very sad and this is so new to me, and of course any mothers worst fear. I just don't understand how this could have been going on right under my nose. I try not to feel guilt. I still feel attachment to the father but know I should detest him for what he has done. I don't bring my children around him but worrying about bills and everything...it is so hard.

this is such a sad story i believe that even if you delete something from a computer it will still be in there somewhere ? so maybe you could try and pressure the Police into looking further into that ? i hope your relationship with your daughter isn’t harmed because of what your husband put her through, be patient with her and give her time

Jake x

-- Tue Nov 27, 2018 7:47 pm --

this is such a sad story i believe that even if you delete something from a computer it will still be in there somewhere ? so maybe you could try and pressure the Police into looking further into that ? i hope your relationship with your daughter isn’t harmed because of what your husband put her through, be patient with her and give her time

Jake x

A couple of things. I hate to say it but we get very similar stories every few months. Not many but enough that I can say certain things.

In almost all cases the mother is taken complete by surprise. They all angst over not doing something sooner, but I think that the trust you need when you are husband and wife with a family, the trust they will be there for you, never cheat or betray you and you are there for them, partially blinds us. It is complex.

I have seen some cases where the abuse was long term and kept so well hidden it only came up when the employer (US government) did a security check on a work computer which lead to police, which lead to the truth. One here last year.Like yours very sad.

Do not blame yourself. From what you have told us you acted when you had reasonable doubt. That must have been hard as it was the last thing you wanted to find. In many cases because it is so hard, the mother turns away. We get many of those here from girls and boys now teens or even now parents who had one parent abusing and one in denial. You never did that. Be proud of yourself.

Be patient. I know you would like a magic pill that will make all this go away, but it is not there. Listen to counselors, other experts, think for yourself, but be guided. They are both very, very young, they will be fine. I have a friend now who is bringing up a girl and boy who were both extensively abused as children who are now fitting in and making good lives for themselves, having left all their family behind.

When you look at this stuff there is a term called resilience. It is amazing how terrible and horrific some child abuse can be, but many of us lead happy very successful lives. One of the factors mentioned again and again was if there was someone there for them. Just one person, all you need. That is you.

It takes time be patient and be kind to yourself.