Brother-brother incest

My name is Lucas and I am a survivor of being sexually controlled by my brother. It all began when I was eight and my brother was 13. it went on for many years, until I left home when I was 16. I feel guilt, shame, anger, confusions, and a lot of other things. A first I hated it and cried a lot. Then I began wanting it and asking for it. I hated myself and tried killing myself before over this. I have long got help but my therapist said talking about this helps. I have a hard time talking about it with people I know so I am here.

To this day I am confused about this. It was wrong and I was forced, coerced, groomed but like I said it started changing me. I finally left home and got away from all that hell. I am left to deal with all this though. My parents are deceased and my brother is also deceased. he died in a drowning accident. It's just me and I want to be open about this but at the same time I don't know where tot all to people.

I hope I can find connections here.

I am gay. Even that though, am I gay beciase I am gay or did my brother make me gay because he started forcing me into sex at such a young age.

Please, any discussion and talking points would greatly help me navigate this. I have never really spoke of this outside of a therapists office. So, this is all new for me and a bit scary.

my cousin abused me when he was 16 and i was 8. it was not a continuous situation as it was with you, just a couple times. i have also turned out to be a gay male. i also feel sometimes that my sexuality was "caused" by his abusing me. i remember having my first erotic dream soon after he abused me, i dreamed i was asking for it again. as a teenager i thought i was a paedophile until i realized that in my paedo fantasies i was the child and not the molester. until this day the idea of being abused still turns me on. i am a sexual addict now and engage frequently in self destructive sexual behavior. the way you're feeling is not uncommon at all. if you want to write about it you can keep a blog hear. i'm posting regularly on my blog since the beginning of january and i'm really liking it. even if no one responds, know that the way you feel is common and a lot of us will read what you wrote and relate.

Hello wasp-rainbowarrior-

Thank you for your reply. I'm glad I am able to be on this site to open up and share this. I'm glad to know I am not alone. I'm not sure how to proceed with replies, what t say, etc. all I would like to do is share my incest experience and I hope somehow, that helps others as well as I hope I can find hope for others. Knowing I am not alone is huge. I felt isolated for a long time.

Hey Lucas,
My brother also messed around with me, and not at all like your situation. The similar parts are; it became something I wanted and liked, I had dreams and fantasies about similar sexual acts too, and I grew up being gay. (Bisexual really). I'm asking the very same questions, and yet did not have anything as traumatic as you and wasp_rainbowarrier .

Some people on these forums suggest that there may not be much correlation in how we turned out gay and the abuse/interactions we had with males when younger. I dunno.

I know one thing - you ARE NOT alone. Dont let it be too scary to talk about. Many of us have this in common.

give a shout back if you like.