Need advice, brother/sister incest

I've been with my boyfriend for awhile, we have onechild together. We are young, in our early 20's. Before we started dating he told me that he was a registered sex offender. He told me when he was 12, one day some cops came and called him out of class at school and took him away to 'lock up.' He was there for 3 months and learned that his sister who is 1 year younger had accused him of molesting her. He told me he and his sister hated eachother. He told me that she would hit and hurt him in the balls, and that he would hit her back and he have her a 'titty twister' and this is why he was accused of 4th degree criminal sexual conduct and unwanted touching over the clothing. He admitted to doing it because his public defender said he could go home sooner, so he went with it, only to find out that he was not going home, he was going to live in foster care. I should mention that his parents were divorced when he was 7, both alcoholic, mom brought home alot of men and both mom and dad were physically abusive. Neither parent was involved in my boyfriends life while he was locked up, neither parent was involved in his life at all after the day they took him from school. My boyfriend told me recently that when he was 10, his teenage neighbor boy would smoke weed with him and then force him to perform oral sex. He said it lasted about a year, and the guy would give him things, like speakers for his room and money. Well, the foster parents my boyfriend was sent to live with were a gay couple who was very wealthy and fostered many other boys, all in their teens, and all sex offenders. My boyfriend told me he woke up a few times to another boy there giving him head and he was confused about it but then he started having sex with him and that lasted almost two years, until he was caught and given a polygraph test where they asked him if he had molested his sister and he said no, and passed, and they asked him if he had had sex with this boy and he said yes, and that was true. During all of this, he was not allowed to see his family except for in counseling, where he told me his sister apologized for lying.
A mutual friend of the family told me last night that his mom has a different version of this story. His mom was raped by her own brother as a child. His moms version is that my boyfriends father caught my boyfriend and his sister having sex when they were 10 and 11, and his dad called the police and reported everything in an effort to protect his daughter. My boyfriend and his family never talk about this, but my boyfriend is very sensitive about physical contact with anyone, especially his sister. She will touch his shoulders or back, or smack him in the butt and it very clearly makes him uncomfortable and he will even tell her to please not touch him, with his face burning red and she will just roll her eyes or laugh. I haven't heard anyone corroborate his version of events, but I want to believe him. I dislike his sister, and I really dislike his mom-I think regardless of what happened, she let him down in a big way and passively allowed him to be taken advantage of by his neighbor, and allowed him to be physically abused both by herself and his father..I think she should have protected her son.- but, I don't know what to believe, and I don't know if I should ask him about it. I want to know the truth. We have had some issues with his physical abuse of me in our relationship, and he will tell everyone that I am crazy and that I abuse him (please believe me that this is not the case) and his family seems to hate me, they accuse me of being abusive and his sister lies about me, saying she's seen things that never happened, and my boyfriend is ok with her doing it because he's "glad that she is on his side now". I'm confused because I love my boyfriend, we have our own family and we live eachother very much but I feel like we can never have a real relationship if he is lying or withholding the truth about such a huge part of his life. Its such a sensitive subject that I don't feel like it would be right for me to demand the truth though. I think he needs to tell me on his own when he is ready. I don't want to have such a bad relationship with his family because he is lying to them about me, and to me about them.
What should I do? I want to do the right thing. I love my boyfriend and I don't want to hurt him, but I do want everything between him, myself and his family to be cleared. Please excuse my typos, I'm song this from my phone.

This is a very complex situation with a lot of heavy material, too complex to be resolved without professional help. I believe the best thing to do for you would be to talk to a therapist.

WM

I very much agree with WiseMonkey. I think a therapist would be able to help you tackle the various issues that are arising here.

Please take care of yourself too. No matter what the family history of your boyfriend, it is not okay for him to abuse you. That is always wrong.

Him wanting his sister to be on his side is understandable. I wouldn't judge him for that. I'm almost certain him being physically abusive is a manifestation from his past. Regardless, it isn't okay for him to abuse you. I'm telling you why I think he's doing it. It's a prominent part of his past, apparently, so maybe he thinks it's somewhat normal, or is expressing something that hurt him as a child.

This situation is complex. It's like you are in a mine field. In every which way you could step there is a bomb that could go off. You could try to talk to the sister, but that could go wrong and her end up in some way offended and accusing you of something else. The mother and father I think are set on their ways and aren't going to change any time soon. And as you say, talking with your boyfriend doesn't seem to help.

He was physically abused by his parents who gave him no emotional support, sexually abused by his neighbor, and foster home, lied on by his sister and mother. He seems to have a sensitive personality. From what is written he doesn't seem to strive for love and attention, but support, and not to be viewed as the enemy, which I don't think he is. Kinda strange, that out of physical, sexual abuse, and the lack of love, what seems to be scarring him the most is being made out as the bad guy. I would say show that you support him 100%, but he seems to want it from his family so I don't know if it would help. There's also the possibility that because he was accused of being the bad guy, he was sent off to a place where he experienced, possibly more traumatizing events, so maybe in a way he connects being the bad guy with experiencing things like that, and when he's the good guy and supported, better things happen.

This is a tough case because it's not like you can talk and change the people. I think what he needs is closure, but it could be good for him to get away from his family as they seem to cause more problems. I say, try in any way you can think of to help fix this family.

I'm NOT a psychologist. Just my analysis. Trying to be helpful.

Stokeswashere- you give very good advice, thank you. I reread my question to see if I had said anything about my boyfriend feeling like the bad guy, because what you said is so true. My boyfriend has said to me "I'm not the bad guy/don't try to make me look like a bad guy" many times. He will do abusive things and then seemingly forget about them completely and say things to me like what are you talking about,I never did that you're just trying to make me look like the bad guy. I'm glad I posted here because that is so true about him but I didn't realize it until you said it. My boyfriend doesn't strive for love and support so much as attention -he is very dramatic.and almost theatrical about everything. Using the bathroom, making food, driving, watching TV, smoking..all big productions- but he has always been very clear, although also shy (or demure, for lack of a better word) about his desire for me to see him as the best at everything. I think that is normal male behavior to a certain extent but my boyfriends whole happiness seems to hinge on my opinion of his personality/abilities/general goodness. I love him, he doesn't need to be the best at everything because he is the best for me, despite any abuse/baggage. I have my own problems and I agree, this is like a landmine but short of abandoning him and repeating the pattern, what can I do other than be accepting and continue to work on my own problems-which is what I'm doing.

-- Mon Nov 26, 2012 10:36 am --

Stokeswashere- you give very good advice, thank you. I reread my question to see if I had said anything about my boyfriend feeling like the bad guy, because what you said is so true. My boyfriend has said to me "I'm not the bad guy/don't try to make me look like a bad guy" many times. He will do abusive things and then seemingly forget about them completely and say things to me like what are you talking about,I never did that you're just trying to make me look like the bad guy. I'm glad I posted here because that is so true about him but I didn't realize it until you said it. My boyfriend doesn't strive for love and support so much as attention -he is very dramatic.and almost theatrical about everything. Using the bathroom, making food, driving, watching TV, smoking..all big productions- but he has always been very clear, although also shy (or demure, for lack of a better word) about his desire for me to see him as the best at everything. I think that is normal male behavior to a certain extent but my boyfriends whole happiness seems to hinge on my opinion of his personality/abilities/general goodness. I love him, he doesn't need to be the best at everything because he is the best for me, despite any abuse/baggage. I have my own problems and I agree, this is like a landmine but short of abandoning him and repeating the pattern, what can I do other than be accepting and continue to work on my own problems-which is what I'm doing.

-- Mon Nov 26, 2012 10:36 am --

Stokeswashere- you give very good advice, thank you. I reread my question to see if I had said anything about my boyfriend feeling like the bad guy, because what you said is so true. My boyfriend has said to me "I'm not the bad guy/don't try to make me look like a bad guy" many times. He will do abusive things and then seemingly forget about them completely and say things to me like what are you talking about,I never did that you're just trying to make me look like the bad guy. I'm glad I posted here because that is so true about him but I didn't realize it until you said it. My boyfriend doesn't strive for love and support so much as attention -he is very dramatic.and almost theatrical about everything. Using the bathroom, making food, driving, watching TV, smoking..all big productions- but he has always been very clear, although also shy (or demure, for lack of a better word) about his desire for me to see him as the best at everything. I think that is normal male behavior to a certain extent but my boyfriends whole happiness seems to hinge on my opinion of his personality/abilities/general goodness. I love him, he doesn't need to be the best at everything because he is the best for me, despite any abuse/baggage. I have my own problems and I agree, this is like a landmine but short of abandoning him and repeating the pattern, what can I do other than be accepting and continue to work on my own problems-which is what I'm doing.