Did I sexually abuse my brother ? Depressed and Suicidal

Hey everyone,

So I've come across some posts on here as well as other sites about sexual experimenting between siblings and cousins. I wanted to share my own experience and what I’m about to write is the worst regret of my life and I’m starting to feel suicidal and depressed as a result. I'm 27 years old now so this happened 10 + years ago

I myself had my own embarrassing and shameful experience when I was a very young teen with my younger brother too (both males, approx. 5 yrs apart). As kids we would play with each other all the time like we were attached at the hip. Despite the fighting, we’d love each other’s company. Long story short we were wrestling or playing around one day and somehow I ended up starting this game where I dry humped/rubbed my body against his in somewhat of a sexual way, plus a little touching/groping. What worries me is that I was the one who initiated it. He did consent but was probably too young to understand what was going on. It only happened once or twice and then the urges went away and only after it happened is when I started to realize it was awkward. We're both straight and never been attracted to the same sex but for some reason this happened. The last time it happened he got a little bothered by it so that made me realize that I should stop. Ever since then I've been regretting it so much and feel really depressed about the situation. Over the years its been coming back slowly to haunt me more and more. Nothing but shame, regret and disgust. Sometimes suicidal thoughts come to me as well. I hate myself so much for it and for while I convinced myself that I was some sort of monster that sexually abused his brother. I’ve been a good person my whole life to everyone I know and I always treat people with the most empathy and sympathy. This once incident is the one thing where I wish I had done different.

I honestly don't know what prompted me to do this but at that age I probably wanted to know what being sexual/having sex felt like due to puberty and hormones, yet I was never sexually attracted to my brother. I wasn't even watching porn or masturbating at that age yet and I didn't even know what masturbating was (very socially underdeveloped and sheltered at that age). I'm guessing serious urges through puberty, experimentation, curiosity and lack of control of hormones. My brother and I were very close, and always around each other playing physically so that might have also led to doing it with him rather then anyone else. Now, I don't remember physically forcing him or threatening him in any way and there was no malicious intent behind it but I get these “what if” thoughts that I maybe might persuaded him in a playful way but even that is a very vague fuzzy memory which worries me. Looking back at it I wish I never did it but at the time I guess wasn’t able to fully understand the “rights” and “wrongs” of sexuality and the potential consequences.

Now I've heard this kind of stuff is somewhat common amongst siblings at a very young age but I'm a little concerned and worried because technically I was not a 'child' anymore. I could have technically been considered a young 'teenager' at the age (can't remember due to how long ago it was). I think I was maybe 14-15yrs of age. My therapist said that this stuff is somewhat common and that although I wasn't a child, mentally and cognitively I was still acting as a kid. Also, because my parents were extremely overprotective, sheltering and neglecting that that could have been another factor in my delayed development. I also rarely had friends and I was very attached to my brother which could have brought us closer to age in terms of development.

The regret is absolutely terrible and it feels like a completely different person that has done this when I was that age. I’ve never molested, sexually abused, harassed or touched any child or even had the thought of doing such things for that manner.

My questions are:

1) Is this considered abuse or experimentation ?

2) Should I bring it up with my brother to apologize and to see if I can help him if he is negatively affected by it ? Or will that do more harm then good ?


Thanks in advance for any insight you guys might have. I appreciate it !

Hello my Dear friend. I think that this is all normal. We should not look at things as black and white. Me myself was in the same position where I was develpoing much slower. Like at the age of 13-14 I was playing with toys, so I think that you should trust your therapist because he is right. Me myself have gone into simillar situation. You can read it by the title: meditation revealed childhood guilt, something like that on this forum in Remorse category. Now your post has helped me, and I am thankful, beacuse I was bullied through school, didn't do harm to no one, was only playing with my sister, and siblings, also my parents were overprotective, and still are. And also I have gone in puverty at the age of 16 where I started to see some differences. Thats why I was bullied too. Was to small to gain respect and too childish..so yeah long stoey short, this is all fine by me, don't worry like I used to, beacuse things are not grey and white and we all develope at certain speed. And technically you were and are child till the age of 18 and 21 in some countries. You see now, only perspective is what you needed take carw and good luck. By the way suicide would only hurt your loved ones, and is really not something you should EVERRR, everrr think or consider. You are a wonderful person, grown up who is taking things too seriuosly, please don't do that to yourself

Starboy14 wrote:Hello my Dear friend. I think that this is all normal. We should not look at things as black and white. Me myself was in the same position where I was develpoing much slower. Like at the age of 13-14 I was playing with toys, so I think that you should trust your therapist because he is right. Me myself have gone into simillar situation. You can read it by the title: meditation revealed childhood guilt, something like that on this forum in Remorse category. Now your post has helped me, and I am thankful, beacuse I was bullied through school, didn't do harm to no one, was only playing with my sister, and siblings, also my parents were overprotective, and still are. And also I have gone in puverty at the age of 16 where I started to see some differences. Thats why I was bullied too. Was to small to gain respect and too childish..so yeah long stoey short, this is all fine by me, don't worry like I used to, beacuse things are not grey and white and we all develope at certain speed. And technically you were and are child till the age of 18 and 21 in some countries. You see now, only perspective is what you needed take carw and good luck. By the way suicide would only hurt your loved ones, and is really not something you should EVERRR, everrr think or consider. You are a wonderful person, grown up who is taking things too seriuosly, please don't do that to yourself

Hi, thanks for your input !

I do trust my therapist's input for sure since she has experience with several cases of the same topic and a background in psychology.

Your time growing up sounds a lot like me actually, similar situation minus the bullying. I was a strange kid but with no intentions of being a bad person, just a hard time growing up and developing.

I can understand on what goes through a young kid's mind while this stuff happens which is fine, its just accepting what happened as "normal" in terms of sexuality and part of growing up. Every time I think about anything related to sex, this memory pops into my head and then somewhat bothers me. I need to find a way to work around it or look at it differently or my sex-life won't be so exciting anymore. It's very hard I guess considering I see it as a "stain" in my past at the moment.

Also, I'm a little worried about my younger brother having a memory of it and the potential of it bothering him. I feel like he won't understand about this type of thing and so if he remembers it ,then knowing him, it won't sit with him well.

Would you say its better that I should I just leave it alone as it is and not bring it up ? Sometimes I feel like things are better left unsaid. If it does come into conversation for whatever reason then obviously at that point I will have to apologize and explain. Our relationship is somewhat good at the moment. Still some tension I feel but we talk sometimes and we're more friendly towards each other then before when we had intense rivalry. We help each other out with favours whenever needed and he doesn't seem to hate me at the moment

-- Wed Aug 29, 2018 6:59 am --

Also just to add,

The reason why I'm feeling borderline suicidal is because I am worried that my brother remembers and is affected psychologically because of it. And if that means he has a hard time living life because of it, then I'll feel even more guilty and remorseful. If I somehow knew he doesn't remember then it'll help me deal with things better. But that's a question I am not prepared to ask either

Hello dear friend,

sorry for later replay. Well I think that you are in a situation where you are exagerating that your brother is angry at you.

I can safely tell that he doesn't remember at all or is angry at you, not at all.

If he was mad, he would have tell you about it. Your mind now thinks logical as making 2+2 is 4, and is telling that mood of your brother is always triggered by that event that only you are remembering, not him!


I think that you are a very beautiful and good soul, who is putting too much preassure on himself.

I am worried that the only person who is having hard time is not your brother, but only you.

Trust me, and go with instincts. I mean the problem is that in school they didnt teach us what life and growing up is and was.

please don't try to do anything stupid like suicide. Only this would hurt your whole family and your brother the most on a different level, because he would feel guilt that you have been suffering for something that he did not ever remembered or felt like a need.

Please, stick best to the plan of your therapist.
If he ever comes by with that topic, that I highly don't think he ever will, then say it and apologize.

But people apologizing for things childreen and young teens do, come on, we should not be so harsh on ourselves. I am sure that you and I, never have thought that we will do something with intention to hurt, we where all curious.
Like boys that did horrible things beating me up everrryday, for no reason (there was: not wanna to fight back). I am not angry at them today. Damn, I am a very good friend now with the bully of my childhood that was not so good then, but is good now.

Moral of story: stick to the plan of therapist, don't bring anything up in front of your bro. Only if he brings it, then apologize for being a kid who was like myself only curious, never malicious. And he will understand and feel sorry for you, beacuse he didn't ever wanna you to suffer from something that your mind has overanalized.

Take care my dear friend and good luck, you really don't and should not worry about it.

Hi Staryboy, thanks again for your reply I appreciate it.

I was almost having a mental breakdown this morning but then reading your message has helped me calm down a bit and relax. I think I'm getting mood swings lately that make me feel really low one moment and then ok the next. The suicidal thoughts only come in on my very low moments but if I don't act on them they go away.

Now that I think of it, maybe I'm not so worried about it bothering him as at the moment our relationship doesn't reflect any MAJOR signs of hate derived from trauma. At most, if he does remember it, he probably remembers it as a disgusting weird and embarrassing childhood moment.

The one thing that worries me though is that I've heard of people being able to supress and repress the memories subconsciously and then later on life those memories start to surface and bother them. I would hope this isn't the case with my brother but until then I guess there's no sense in worrying about something that may never happen

Also, lately I've been feeling really ashamed from this experience which affects my self-esteem and self-image. It makes me feel a little gross, embarrassed and not so "masculine". I guess because since I'm a straight male who's been attracted to women my whole life that this experience makes me feel otherwise and then I start to have intrusive thoughts about my sexual orientation. I've heard that sexual orientation only counts after late puberty/teenage years end but I guess the way I've been conditioned by society and cultural taboos make me think otherwise. Maybe I have a hard time accepting that this stuff can happen between brothers and sisters which doesn't necessarily make someone gay or straight. If I had done it with a female family member maybe I wouldn't be dealing with this type of shame and self-esteem problems. That could be the real underlying issue here

I've heard worse stories of young brothers attempting oral intercourse and actual attempts at anal penetration out of bare curiosity and still turn out fine when they're older with no problems so maybe its something I need to work on myself. For me it was just wanting to know what if felt like to rub my genitals on someone in a sexual way, which sounds weird and wrong I know, but at that age I was so curious and hormones were all over the place. So maybe its not that extreme compared to other stories. I also don't believe in incest and I'm totally against it so I don't know if this counts as an "incest" experience or not. If it does that scares me too.

Anyways, I really thank you for your kind words and help. Its awesome how strangers you have never met are willing to help out. I do have one question though,

- since you've had your own experience what would you recommend as daily practices or exercises to help live in the present moment and ruminate constantly about the past ? Diet, exercise, meditation, etc ? I feel like I almost have an anxiety disorder or some type of OCD symptons where I'm never focused on the present and always have my mind on the past and the "what ifs" of the future

If you could give me some insight on stuff that works for you that would be greatly appreciated and I would be very thankful as I already am.

Thank you so much again. You're a good man !

Hiii, omg I have been writting a longggg post and it logged me out totaly.... ((

Ok lets try it again after an hour of typing XD


Don't worry for gay and incest parttt, come on my man. I have gone through that and honestly it is silly to think that way. You were a kid who just got that new power of hormones in you and acted impulsevly to catch a "feel" out of curiosity. If you go deep down and you know it, you never wanted to harm your brother you were just a kid wanting to explore that hormonal urges. And that is all normal. So many people do it and have done it. That is why is kind of taboo topic that is highly reachable in quantity of personas and ther life experiences but seems like all remain quite but for majority people forget about it.

Now for gay part. I would not worry at all
You were in search for a feel not a person. If you have had a sister at that moment, place and time it would have been her, or cousin, male, female it doesn't matter. You get me?

If you are attracted to the girls and have been all your life than that is it. nothing to worry, ignore the what if gay thoughts, cuz your brain again wants to settle things in black and white folder.

Now for exercises!! This is best now

Meditation is no. 1!! You can learn more from people like:
Joe Dispenza, Mooji, Echart Tolle, Neale Donald Walsch and Sadhguru. Check them out on You tube that is your first task to become happy

Second is to daily implement their and your therapist advice into life

3rd is to never take antidepressives cuz they will in the ling run only cause damage to you

4th is to move your body everyday! For me it is calisthenics and walking daily! It will also bring that good hormones and masculininty feelings and looks

5th is that there is no perfect human out there and that we are constantly learning to be better

6th is that it is not fair to now from this perspective as an adult give so much hard time on a
Boy you where that many years ago forgive him please

And 7th is that you and therapist seek always for context beacuse every human is a specie for him self who develops at his best rate in any matter ))) and try to hang as much with your brother without these guilt thoughts because I can almost swear, he does not even think about what you are thinking or going through. And even if he knew in how much pain you are over ehat happened, he would be sad beacuse you suffer over nothing really

Trust me from experience all this will work. And also trust me that this is marathon, not a sprint I too have ups and downs, that is all normal if I have not have had them I would have not reply to you for sure, because I would not visit this forum after months and months so everything has its bright side, you see now )

And also:
another man problem is someone elses blessing

Remembee that when in hard times )

Heal and live in peace and love my dear friend

-- Sat Sep 01, 2018 12:08 am --

PS about supress and repress memories. Dude do not wprry on those. I have had themmm in numerous styles and manners haha, do not let yourself to take it that far. Please stop your mind because it will constantly feel you up with silly details that were never here and never have occured or are existing now.

I mean this is all true and you know it. Do not over analize that event that is my final tip

-- Sat Sep 01, 2018 12:13 am --

And yeah like me I can tell you have OCD over that and are perfectionist and a good guy to be around. A beautiful soul. But all these will one day come in handy because you will get to know a true essence of people and life and all feelings that there are. You will probably learn so much on various psychology themes, maybe about meditation, exercise, who knows where this journey will kick your life for the better.

Everything happens for a reason and one day this problem will be non existant and silly as they say: worst case scenario become the best one!

Wow star boy that was one hell of a read ! I managed to get through it all and it had a lot of good insight.

I'm gonna do my best to start throwing in all those tactics on my day to day activities and lifestyle. Very good info here !

In your personal journey, have you felt like all of these have halped keep your mind clear and minimize the number of times that unwanted thoughts come flowing ? That's my biggest concern now as I feel like if I can minimize that substantially then I can focus on what's around me in life and not in my own head all the time

Thank you once again Starboy you've been a good help indeed

-- Sat Sep 01, 2018 11:25 am --

At the end of the day here I think the goal is to not let the bad memories come into my.mind as often as they do.

I know it's pretty much impossible to erase the memory of the incident but if I could just control my mind and not think about it every second of every day then I can live a happier and more fulfilled life.

Hi once again

Well yeah that all should and will help. And it is normal that thoughts will come even during these activities. Thats all okey. Zhe end goal is not to stop your brain from thinking. The end goal is that to stop that these thought bother you
They will come, I get them all the time, but the bad feeling and anxiety that came before are weakening because I have trained brain to do so. To not worry so much.

I too have breakdown. Hell I have them when I can be most happy, then they haunt me. It happened yesterday. Got a hugeee anxiety attack. But how it was last summer when all tjis started it lasted approx 1 hour most, not all day, everyday like it used to be. So as I said, growing, learning, and getting comfortable with yourself takes time and patience, but progress is here like woth everything it can't happen overnight.

Hope that helps and yeah working out helps to get these emotions out the best, for me. Because it involvs physical exerction when you feel sad, angry, depressed. Sometimes thought come during workout so thats ehen I make the best sets, sometimes I workout amd dont have them. It really depends on day to day basis how I feel, sometime on an hour basis.

As I said, it is sooo much better now than it was last summer, that I can tell. But yeah thoughts are not tgat bothering and are not that often and intense like they've used to be.

Thanks Starboy

Looks like its more of a patience game then anything. I guess with time everything comes into place, or at least most of them do anyways.

Hopefully it all works out in the end and I'm definitely grateful for you sharing your story. Thanks once again Starboy, I appreciate it a lot. If you ever need help or advice from me just PM me and I'd be more then glad to do so

Dear DaSilva, for sure, same goes for you!

I am so glad that my post replays have helped you. Thank you for sharing your story that I could have relate to, and thus has helped me dealing with my life.

In the end, the problem is that with our present more aware and matured brain we now seek into the past when we were just kids, who never wanted to cause harm to anyone. We should now be happy in what persons, aware and honest we arw becoming. This is all part of growing up, but it seems so strange and odd, because nobody in school has ever spoken to us.

But as you can see, soooo many people are dealing with stuff like ours. So basically it is not something that we should be so much worried and feel guilty all the time. It really must not be that way.

I really hope that you will be good as the time goes by, and you gain perspective with the help of other and my pists and with your work with therapist, but what is most important, with work within yourself.

I am so happy that out there exists such wonderful person who overracts over things that were just a normal part of growing up. And so are there sooo many people who are open and speak, more so, post here their stories, because they don't have anything to hide. That act by itself is soooo powerfullll and beautiful!

Keep on, and never stop going forward, thinking of what ifs will not do anything for your present nor future.

Goodluck my dear friend