Thread for those in disordered/abusive relationships

Hey jsmauel142,

jsmauel142 wrote: insults me and tells me I don't know how to differentiate between humor and insult. ...

This is the #1 lie/tool abusive people use. I just hurt you, but the problem is yours (and they get you coming and going with this logic) -

First, for feeling hurt (i.e., there is something wrong/weak about you for being hurt), and...

Second, your perception is wrong, you don't know how to take a joke, etc. (i.e., you should welcome more abuse from me because I find it amusing).

jsmauel142 wrote:Can someone advice me on this? I am totally puzzled to what to do next. do you recommend me alone going for therapy?

Yea man, do it for you!

My impression from what you wrote is that you are a good guy, but good guys sometimes pick others who are not (more generally, good people sometimes pick abusive partners). It's time to take care of you first, and figure out why you chose someone who is incapable of treating you equally well.

Hi xdude, thanks for your advice, I am going to start with myself first!

Hello everyone,
It's been quite a while since i last posted on this thread . So I have a lot to tell . Really sorry for the long post. But i need some opinion on all the situations I've mentioned below. Please do read everything if you'll can. Thank you.

Hey jsmauel142 I know exactly what you're talking about when you say she tells you you don't know the difference between a joke and an insult. It feels horrible. The worst part is when you ask them to stop insult you they tell you things like 'I was just kidding. You don't know me at all' in my case I end up feeling guilty because I think I over reacted . I don't really know how to deal with this. If your therapist tells you how to deal with it , please do share it here .

Coming back to some of things that happened . I'll go over them one by one.

1) Because we had so many issues and he just couldn't trust me. We broke up for 2-3 months . I suffered a lot of anxiety and stress during those months. I had no one to talk to about my anxiety to. And since he already has always been suffering from it. I turned to him when I couldn't control during a panic attack . He helped me during that. But he also told me he didn't believe in my anxiety and it was fake. Which made things worse for me. Because the one person I thought I could turn to told me he thought i was being fake. And he still Everytime I'm hurt or in pain. He thinks its fake .

2) fast forward to when we started dating again. When we started dating again. because we couldn't stay away from each other. A friend of mine in college told me you should hang out with people a little and made me sit with her group of friends who are all from my class. So I took the offer and I sat with them . And I immediately clicked with all of them . And became friends . Last academic year I had no friends in college and he knew about that . So when we started dating again and told him about my new friends . He showed like he was happy for me. But he wasn't. He constantly taunted me about having friends all of a sudden and told me that the way you change so fast shows how fake you are . Can't people make friends in a short period of time ? Especially the ones you went to class for a whole year with.

3)He started going to the gym. And ever since whenever we meet he keeps talking to me about the gym and how he's been getting a lot of female attention . I've been really happy about him going to the gym. He hasn't been consistent in anything in a long long time. So him being committed to gym was like a ray of hope . One day we were having a conversation about his gym and i told him that you used to be rectangular shaped but you wanna be inverted triangle right ? And he got offended ! He thought I was body shaming him ! I couldn't believe when he told me that . He told me that my tone was harsh. I could swear I said it normally with a pure analytical mind just trying to tell him what i saw and felt. He said I was insecure. And said really mean things to me. So I lost it and said one mean thing. And I ended up crying for an apology.

4) He doesn't listen to anything I talk about my college or my music . He tells me its really boring. The only place I go to is college and then I'm back home. He wants me to tell him every tiny conversation I have with anyone in college. I have small talk with several people in my class . Conversation like how was your presentation. What did the teacher say or something like that you know. Is it really wrong of me to not tell him about those ?

5) Now the most important problem. Every since we've started dating . He hasn't passed a single exam in college and failed all the years. And its not that we hang out all the time and don't allow each other to Study. I try to do everything I possibly can to get him to study. Today in the morning he told me we should break up because he becomes complacent when I'm in his life ! I don't know what to do ! I'm supposed to be the one who makes him better . Not complacent in this horrible way that stops him from doing anything constructive . I don't know what to do ! I'm ready to do anything for him to get through college . Is breaking up the only solution ? I really love him .and I know he loves me too . I don't want to leave him.

I had this kind of relationship and I definitely don't think it's a healthy relationship. Wrong way of behavior to maintain the relationship.

Why do I want this person who hurt me so much and constantly hurts me, why do I want him so much. He doesn't love me anymore. He constantly tells me that he doesn't love me. It's been 2 months since we broke up again. I don't understand why the ###$ I still care about this person more than myself. I just don't understand I don't want to. I don't want to love this person anymore. I've given myself so much time so many times to get over this person. Why does nothing help. Nothing is going right in my life. Everything is just falling. I haven't felt like being alive in a long time. I just want everything to end.

I believe that the most powerful word is No!
NO to gaslighting
NO to silent treatment
NO procrastination
NO to pointless conversations about non events-designed to cause an arguments
NO to there isn't time to do xyz
You couldn't manage with me-oh yes I can as no longer Co-dependant

When she finally pushed my after 2 decades of paying for everything including the the home, a few weeks camped out at relatives and love bombed.
Back to same old nonsense in a month

It's going to be exciting 2023 as either the manipulating narcissist traits stop, or I will get on with life and she will have to be independent living elsewhere for first time in her life-it's going to be a roller-coaster

It's about mutual respect and boundaries bring on 2023 however it goes