Motivating Spouse to Take Care of Herself

My spouse has never been a big exercise person. She was married and had her first kid at 15. Divorced 17 years later.

I met her 10 years ago. She smokes. She tried quitting last year but her mother and she smoke together. Hard to quit when she goes to visit her mother and her mother is smoking. Her mother won't quite period. There was a day this past holiday where she smoked 10 cigarettes in one day - she has been slowly climbing.

She was rollerblading with me and going to the gym for the past couple years. We had a nice thing going. Then she got a message therapy job and her hours changed and she can't make it to the gym. Plus message is sort of tyring on the body.

But she is getting a belly and quite frankly I find that disgusting and a turn off so our sex is down a lot. Maybe once a week or so now.

She use to use the elliptical machine at the club. I am going to buy an elliptical machine for her. Hopefully she will use it. But basically I just can't understand people that do not take care of themselves - you only have one body and I feel you should appreciate what God gave you and take care of it.

I think exercise is one sign of health self esteem. She comes from a background of people who have what I would describe as an evasive philosophy - like me the way I am, if it was meant to be, etc.... Nobody in her family ate well or took care of themselves.

I don't think I can motivate her - I think I have to trigger motivation within her somehow.

sm,

"I think exercise is one sign of health self esteem".

When I was in the best shape of my life (very high level of fitness) during my 20's I was often at or near my lowest ebb of my esteem all time. I am in much better shape esteem wise now some 20 years later but in pretty poor physical shape. So much for your theory.

As far as appearance and sex. I have news for you. Everyone ages (even people in tinseltown). If you do not love what is behind the appearances you are lacking a key part of being a whole person. Also your plan to manipulate her for your own purposes? I cannot find the proper words to express my thoughts, so take care.

w

If she is so disgusting to you, maybe you should do her the huge favour of dumping her.

I understand your desire to have a healthy partner, but you wont be winning any boyfriend of the year prizes very soon, trust me!!!

Karma.
x

Ok, I can understand you wanting her to quite smoking. It is detrimental to her health and the health of those around her. But, really, it's her choice.

[/quote]But she is getting a belly and quite frankly I find that disgusting and a turn off so our sex is down a lot. Maybe once a week or so now.

I am really not sure if you're aware of how vain or selfish this statement sounded. You esentially desroyed all credibility that your wanting to do this for her health. You married her "for better or for worse" and trust me there is a lot worse than "getting a belly". Did you marry her for who she is - or the way she looked?

She use to use the elliptical machine at the club

This is a great idea IF she wants to work out. But you cannot and should not force her to do anything.

I think exercise is one sign of health self esteem. She comes from a background of people who have what I would describe as an evasive philosophy - like me the way I am, if it was meant to be, etc.... Nobody in her family ate well or took care of themselves.

Ummm, not nessisarily. True that exersizing can help improve self esteem (releasing endorphins that create a sort of euphoria and improving body image) but if you're happy with yourself the way you are in the first place what does putting on a couple pounds matter. Anorexics are known not only for starving themselfs but also for excessive amounts of exersize - I don't tend to think thats a sign of a health self esteem. Ever think its not an "evasive philosophy" and that mabey these people really are just happy with the way they are? Yes you only have one body - but what does that body matter when you die. You only have one life, mabey some people want to live it instead of spending time counting calories and monitoring their heart rate.

I think I have to trigger motivation within her somehow

No, you don't. If she wants to work out, support her - if she doesn't want to, accept her the way she is. I don't remember any "unless you get fat" clauses in my wedding vow's, do you?

Oh God.......................she actually MARRIED you???

I reread and saw that you said spouse. No husband of the year awards either then!


Karma.
x

You say she used to go to the gym w/ you and used to go rollerblading.....but these types of activities changed w/ her new job and schedule. so up until this time she seemed to take better care of her health and appearance.

I agree w/ the others that this shouldn't be soley about her looks and you should love your wife for better or worse and not over focus on her appearance. But it sounds like she's gotten stuck in a rut and has given up. And yes....it can be frustrating to see this in her...and not just from a vain perspective. It's unfortunate that you equate sex w/ your wife as only visual and because her body shape has changed now you feel you can't be w/ her. That is very vain. But I also get the feeling this issue goes a bit deeper for you then just flat out her physical appearance.

Have you talked w/ her? Have you let her know....in a caring and supportive way, how you feel? Sometimes hearing it from your spouse in a supportive way is a good reminder to take care of yourself....there is a lot more w/ weight gain then just how it affects your appearance. I think it's good that you want to encourage her to take care of herself...as long as it's not soley based on a vain perception of things.

Talk w/ her about her work schedule. Ask her if her schedule was different...would she still have that desire to do things like rollarblading w/ you or working out at the gym? Let her know you miss doing those activities w/ her. Because yes...they help keep her in shape and thus result in her physical appearance being a certain way...but it's also about a time for you guys to be communicating and having quality time as a couple together. That's also lacking for you guys right now. If you guys could look at your schedules..maybe she can change her work schedule or maybe you guys could work out an alternate time to go to the gym or do such activities together as rollerblading. don't make your conversation all about how she looks. Let her know you miss the other things that came for you as a couple when you had such activities together. You don't want your relationship to be all about those one or two hours you get w/ each other in the evening...after long days at work....in front of the tv and then off to bed...to sleep! Not much of a life to live.....as a couple or single for that matter.

Angel wrote:You say she used to go to the gym w/ you and used to go rollerblading.....but these types of activities changed w/ her new job and schedule. so up until this time she seemed to take better care of her health and appearance. etc...

Thank you Angel. That is just what I was looking for - reasonable advice. I will take it.

To all the critics - sorry but I call things like they are. Guys are stimulated by visual cues and thats nature whether you like to admit it or not. Call it shallow or any other name its part of the animal kingdom.

Are you going to tell me that men go after all the fat women? Please. Yeah I am disgusted to see someone trying and then just give up. I work my ass off to take care of myself - possibly too much.

But if you have ever read anything about success and successful people the advice is that they have balance in their life - job, hobbies, family and friends, spiritual and PHYSICAL.

In my opinion when someone lets themselves go there is something wrong. And usually it is the couch potatoes that criticize and say it is shallow. There has to be balance.
Thats all I am asking for is for her to have balance - be reasonable about taking care of herself.

I have been around people that regularly work out most of my life and believe me they don't understand people that do not do some form of exercise.
Its like wasting a talent. God gave you something - take care of it.
Yes it is somewhat about looks and if some people can't admit that you are fooling yourselves. Its not all about looks I said SOMEWHAT. Its also about abandonment. You love someone and they just let themselves go to hell and hurt the ones around them.

Would you be saying the same thing if whe was an alcoholic - that I was just suppose to accept that also? Calling me a KillJoy instead of Vein? It does not matter what the problem is - whether its cigarettes or alcohol or just lying on the couch waisting away - when this happens there is something out of balance - something wrong.
Angel gave me what I am looking for - a reasonable approach and way of approaching the conversation. Thank you.

Well I sincerely hope your wife is greatful to Angel. You seem to assume so much about your wife and what SHE needs. This is your problem not hers. Maybe she just does't like spending that much time with you and that's why she doesn't do it anymore.

I'm no saint, I know that, but at least I KNOW it. If my relationship needs work, I work at it, I dont expect my partner to make up for my personality faults and my shortcomings.

Maybe you should take a closer look at your well defined self and see who it is that REALLY disgusts you.

Karma.
x

You're welcome!


See....I can see where it's easy to read your post and get the take on you that you are SOLEY about your wife's appearance and that if she doesn't look a certain way then you are disgusted by her or something.

But....correct me if I'm wrong...but I got the impression from your post...maybe I read into it...I don't know....but I get the feeling that you don't just see that your wife has started to gain weight and gee...now she doesn't fit some image you feel women should live up to...but more so you see real cause for concern in her recent change of mood and behavior....and that yeah...one of the bummer things for you in this is that it HAS resulted in her physical appearance changing towards the negative. I get the feeling that she's always been known for caring about her appearance...taking pride in how she looks....enjoying and sharing w/ you in physical activity...both for enjoyment for you as a couple as well as how it impacts her healthwise. now you see that something in her life equation has changed and that concerns you. Someone who once cared about her appearanec no longer does....activity between you as a couple has been impacted as well.....I guess I get the impression from you that you are concerned that the woman you once knew...and NOT just her appearance....has changed....and that bothers you.

so long as this is not 100% based on her appearance....I think you are right to have concern and you didn't just go up to her and say callously "gee honey...you are really getting fat and god...what a turn off........" but rather you came here..expressed some concerns...and asked about how to approach her...I'm guessing you want to know how to get things back w/out hurting her or making her feel like less of a person just because her physical appearance has changed.


Let me ask you this.....what if she gets back to your physical activities that you've shared before...has more energy...etc. ....but doesn't loose the weight...doesn't gain more...but doesn't lose what she has recently put on....BUT...at the same time....she's happier again....not so tired and run down...AND keeps up her appearance...does her hair, make-up, dresses nice....and shows self respect and pride in herself.....would you then still find her body unappealing?


I don't know where I"m going w/ this. I guess...it shouldn't be all about the outward appearance though ok?!! It should be about the whole package and how that as a whole has changed. don't forget who she is as a person on the inside and what qualities about her as a person attracted you and made you love her! I can understand that when you look at her changed appearance on the outside now...that tops your list of concerns and that considering your list has more on it then just that.....you feel like ...hey...what is wrong here? Why have you stopped caring? What is wrong...how do I help you get back to that vibrant person from before. Because it's not just her physical appearance that causes the vitality to be lost....

Well anyway.......I hope I've helped somewhat. I don't begrudge the other posters their views......I just went at this from a different angle.

But a isn't a marriage a partnership?? If one person in the marraige is having problems....why should they have to resolve it on their own? Might as well be single then. When you are a couple...then your problems are your spouses. It may be your problem to own, but it impacts the person you live w/. Depending on the problem...yeah...it's up to the individual to fix it and make change....but the spouse should be supporting and in on the process. And sometimes....one partner can be clueless to any problem in the marraige until the other partner talks w/ them and opens their eyes to it. What might seem like a problem to one may not have occurred to the other to view it that way. But that's the whole thing about communication in the relationship. You sit down and talk. Then something that is minor can stay that way. You can say...wow...I'm sorry...I hadn't even seen this myself. Well yeah...lets try and come to resolve. Or you can say...I"m sorry you felt this way....I never thought this to be a problem. I still don't agree it's as bad as you say...but I'll respect you enough to keep this conversation open so that we can come to some sort of agreement on how to handle both of our feelings on this..............I don't know...that sort of thinking ..................