Motivating Spouse to Take Care of Herself

I agree completely about a good relationship needing open and full communication, I was referring to the fact that just maybe, this guy isn't so nice and it's not his wife that makes him unhappy, but himself.

If he is generally looking at the people around him to change to make him happy, maybe everyone else isn't so wrong in their ways of living, maybe it's him who needs to compromise.

I think your advice was excellent, and possibly this guy just has a very unfortunate attitude, but he is just as open to bitching at the other posters as I am, the difference is I KNOW I can be a prize bitch and I DO own my $#%^.

I dont like anyone to be miserable and I hope that his wife still loves him etc, it doesn't seem likely to me, maybe they both need to make changes not just her.


Karma.
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Hi Karma,

I hope I didn't sound like I attacked your post. I didn't mean too. I also didn't think you sounded bitchy!!

If he is generally looking at the people around him to change to make him happy, maybe everyone else isn't so wrong in their ways of living, maybe it's him who needs to compromise.

That's an EXCELLENT point, by the way, and something he should consider as well.

I also agree w/ you where you say maybe they both need to make changes. That is definetly great advice. Because even if he is valid in his concerns regarding things he has seen recently change for her....he should also examine his own self and how he is relating to his wife...considering her situation and needs, etc. and change will probably also need to come from him. Relationships change because as we grow, we change as people!

I didn't feel attacked, I thought maybe I should explain myself a little better was all.

Don't worry about offending me, it takes a lot really.

I respect the views of others and I see you are the same way, doesn't stop me from voicing my own though, lol.


Karma.
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"Guys are stimulated by visual cues and thats nature whether you like to admit it or not"

By that logic are you going to accept if she doesn't want to be with you if you start balding, or !OMG! put on a couple pounds yourself.

Don't peg this on being a guy - maby I find that statement, what was the term, Oh, Ya an "evasive philosiphy". Saying it's nature ......... Isn't that just another way of saying "accept me the way I am". You want her to aspire to somthing better in one aspect, yet you refuse to aspire to something better in another - shame, shame.

That is the beauty of how we were created and what diffrentates us from animals is that we have the ability to choose to achive something more devine than what "nature" gave us.

Regaurdless of that the "it's natural for men" cop-out is flawed anyway. If we are going with whats natural it's humans that have it backwards. In EVERY other species on this planet it is the males that are "decorated to the hilts" to attract a mate - females of the species are typically plainer, smaller etc. i.e. peacocks, betas, moose, gorillas etc.

Hey Karma!! I'm glad you feel you can voice your opinion here...no matter what it is! Posters need to expect to hear views from all sides....and as long as no one is flat out abusing another poster in expressing their views....ya....you should be able to express yourself. I think you've done well. Well...not that you need my "ok" on that....not sure why I offer it up.......anyway!!

Guest...you bring up some interesting sides and points to this topic too. I hope this has all been helpful to our original poster...all sides of the situation to consider!!!!!!

To all the critics - sorry but I call things like they are. Guys are stimulated by visual cues and thats nature whether you like to admit it or not. Call it shallow or any other name its part of the animal kingdom.

I am a guy. It is quite true that the first thing that you see is someones appearance, so its common to be attracted to someone pleasing to you. But after 18 years of marriage, 2 kids, and a pile of stuff - some bad, some good, some unexpected, my feelings are far deeper then when I met her. By your standards, I should dump her as soon as something better comes along? By that logic, your wife can feel free to do the same, shouldn't she?

Are you going to tell me that men go after all the fat women? Please. Yeah I am disgusted to see someone trying and then just give up. I work my ass off to take care of myself - possibly too much.

That's your choice. You think that everyone should conform to your judgements of what is right and perfect. Fascism is the word that comes to mind first.

But if you have ever read anything about success and successful people the advice is that they have balance in their life - job, hobbies, family and friends, spiritual and PHYSICAL.

Again with the perfection. So she has to be as perfect as you, or she's no good?

In my opinion when someone lets themselves go there is something wrong. And usually it is the couch potatoes that criticize and say it is shallow. There has to be balance.
Thats all I am asking for is for her to have balance - be reasonable about taking care of herself.

If it was only an opinion, you wouldn't be here writing this stuff. Oh no, its much more then an opinion. Its a rallying cry. Let me ask you how much work do you do around the house? Vacuum, wash dishes and clothes, dry and put away dishes and clothes. Maybe she is to tired taking care of what you do not do, and making you sheets sweet. Maybe she is dispirited because your drive for this perfection has driven her to distraction. Maybe she just doesn't give a damn. So that makes her imperfect, therefore not worthy of your company and desire? Is she complaing about your decreased sexual activity?

I have been around people that regularly work out most of my life and believe me they don't understand people that do not do some form of exercise.
Its like wasting a talent. God gave you something - take care of it.
Yes it is somewhat about looks and if some people can't admit that you are fooling yourselves. Its not all about looks I said SOMEWHAT. Its also about abandonment. You love someone and they just let themselves go to hell and hurt the ones around them.

Finally a justification! Seems pretty flimsy. You should take what you wrote, and what everyone else wrote to a therapist and work out your mental/emotional issues until you stop wasting your talent.

Would you be saying the same thing if whe was an alcoholic - that I was just suppose to accept that also? Calling me a KillJoy instead of Vein? It does not matter what the problem is - whether its cigarettes or alcohol or just lying on the couch waisting away - when this happens there is something out of balance - something wrong.
Angel gave me what I am looking for - a reasonable approach and way of approaching the conversation. Thank you.

I do not honestly think you would know reasonable if you walked into it. Good luck to your wife, she needs it.

W

Congratualtions on 18 years of marriage sincefour. You may well win husband of year award for sheer longevity. lol.

Many other reasons on top of that judging by your post.

I hope you are very happy together for many more years, and if it all goes arse up, I hope you still feel the pleasure and pain of SHARED responsibility for your relationship.

Karma.
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Angel you will have to excuse me here. I am really a nice person but these people who have made comments on this are pretty transparent if you ask me so have to say a few things.

I did not come to argue only to get some insight and advice. To respond to all of your critique one by one is not a good use of my time because I know who I am you you do not.

And I am getting personally attacked which tells me you just feel threatened and have no logical response. You people don't know me at all period. And name calling - oh how deep and personally developed you all are. Can't even give someone the benefit of the doubt that hey maybe they are a nice person.

If I had to guess I would say you're all threatened because you are couch potatoes yourselves and don't like what I have to say because its honest.

You're arguments are specious - without basis. You are making assumptions about a situation and person you don't even know. Did I hear one spec of advice from anyone other than Angel?

Not even one logical comment back regarding a what if: what if you're spouse started drinking, using drugs, etc... You're going to give me that crap about for better or worse? Is that what the women here would say if they caught their spouse cheating? I mean lets carry the argument out here. Oh but above is different right? - because its different by you're difinition - typical hypocritics.
The minute I mention appearance all of the sudden I am a bad person - shallow - etc.... Because you are a bunch of threatened Jackels.

Yeah I like someone to take care of themselves. And I like them intelligent also. And I have a lot of other personal likes about a partner. Everyone has different likes so does that make me shallow and in need of therapy? hehehehehehehe!

Again I read your post and again I would hand you a mirror to your own self. I am basing my judgment of you on exactly the same thing you are basing your judgement of us. Its not only what you say but how you say it.

The things you have to say are not those of a level headed, compassionate, caring person. If you bothered to read any of my posts without predjudice or malice you would see that I have offered you advice and that advice is to work on our own issues which seem plentiful, ONLY based on this.

What would I think if i met you in real life? I've no idea, I'm basing my opinion on the only thing I can, and thats the part of you you have given. I see what you show me.

Trust me on one thing, the majority is generally right in matters of character judgement in this type of arena. You portray yourself as a shallow, egotistical, judgemental fool. THAT dear sweet guest was much closer to a personal attack.


Karma.
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All,

I lived in denial for decades. This is pretty much the way I thought and spoke for that time. Until the lightbulb goes on, there is no way for this person to sit still and really comprehend what is being said, and no real way to reach him. So, I'm going to go my way, and everyone here should feel free to go theirs.

But when asking for advice, the asker should take a real close look at what is being offered, there is a lot more weat then chaff laid out for you.

W