No courage to end relationship

brake-up "always" involves pain - at least for one of the party, doesn't matter how you end-it - she won't be happy about it... but - it's the right thing to do - if you feel as you described, feeling miserable in a relationship for the sake of the other - it's not fair for both parties, you're both living "a lie" - and that brings more unhappiness with time passing... since you realized this, now you'll have to make her aware of your true feelings - a relationship that feels like a burden - i presume...

Thanks alot!
I would appreciate more opinions from a female part of the forum

Aka Manto wrote:I would appreciate more opinions from a female part of the forum

Hope I'll do.

Aka Manto wrote:Also I`ve already got lots of advices like "Be man, tell her the truth". I can`t. I really can`t. Years of OCD and family opression stripped something from me and made me somebody who prefers to act indirectly. So I hope for some real deal and will appreciate that a lot.

I'm afraid I'm going to say the same thing. It's not okay to look for an indirect way to do this, because as you are finding, that's probably not possible. It's not about "being a man", I'd say the same if you were a woman. It's about respecting her as a person. An indirect approach may spare you some hurt, and spare you seeing her hurt, but it's disrespectful. You've been building a relationship directly and you need to take the same approach to dismantling it. No it is NOT easy. I do know that. I have been on both sides of breakups and the hurt and pain is the same each side. Also, an indirect approach may also not convey that you are serious! It may leave lingering doubt that there is some other reason for your breakup, and she won't be able to move on while she's having that kind of thought.

I want to protect her from pain and avoid responsibility.

You can't succeed in this. This is going to hurt her but it's not permanent. And the pain will ease faster for both of you if you've been honest with her than if you spend months trying to mentally abuse her into dumping you instead.

Another way to look at it is that at the moment, you are preventing her from having the kind of relationship she wants. You are actively in the way of her life-plans. You need to get out of the way, so you can both move on in the way you want. She's sensible to say that you won't be friends afterwards, and neither of you should try for a while. But friendship can come back again once the hurt has healed, so don't rule that out for ever.

It's going to hurt. I know it's going to hurt. But don't let your OCD, your parents, your upbringing or anything else get in the way of honesty here.

This is where you start:

she "feels" that I treat her more like a best friend/ sister, than like a woman. She asked me many times - isn`t that the case, but I denied and claimed to love her dearly. It wasn`t a lie though - I feel emotionally tied to her even now.

My own suggestion is this:
Say that you want to sit down and talk. Say that you are sorry for misleading her and that you do care about her like a sister. But that you do not want to be in a romantic relationship with her. She is a wonderful woman but that you are not IN love with her [and no, you aren't in love. Caring about her is love too, yes, but it's NOT romantic love and to keep on saying "love" is probably very confusing for her!] You are so sorry to hurt her, and you wish her every happiness in the future, but that you two do not have a future as a couple. Then you will both cry and it will be very hard, but it will be done. And it gets better after that. It doesn't matter that you said something different before. The way I see it is that it's time to speak your truth now.

Ada, thanks alot

For more than half a year I thought that I should keep my desires to myself. I mean, I believed that I have no moral right to tell her the truth, that I am obliged to carry on with her. I actually was preparing myself eve to marry her in order to avoid breaking her heart. But she crossed several lines this summer and I no longer consider her purely as a victim. I mean, she is rather bad-tempered, she ofter shouts at me and demands a lot things that I do not want at all to perform (not sexual). And since I am a classic nerd with severe OCD I can`t oppose her. On the other hand she ofter provided me with so called "reassurance" ( from OCD standpoint I mean) and this was one of major benefits of our relations.

That seems useful, in terms of giving balance. But, please do keep this fair. Don't tell her it's all about her and make it her fault, when you have some blame too. Not being honest much earlier is blameable, if nothing else.

Ada wrote:That seems useful, in terms of giving balance. But, please do keep this fair. Don't tell her it's all about her and make it her fault, when you have some blame too. Not being honest much earlier is blameable, if nothing else.

You Know, I`m incapable of saying "It`s your fault". I am so shy and conflict-avoiding that I will never be able to say that. So of course, if should I decide to quit our relationship, I will say that it is of course my and only my fault and I will say something like: Here, I have a gun with me. If you wish, you may shoot me right here.

IF you end it?

You don't love her. Neither of you is making the other happy. And you don't think this will improve. It's WHEN not IF, and the sooner it's done, the sooner you can both move on with your lives. And don't take a gun with you. Ending your own life and condemning her to life in prison is not a positive move. It's a sad situation, but it's not the end of the world.

Ada wrote:IF you end it?

You don't love her. Neither of you is making the other happy. And you don't think this will improve. It's WHEN not IF, and the sooner it's done, the sooner you can both move on with your lives. And don't take a gun with you. Ending your own life and condemning her to life in prison is not a positive move. It's a sad situation, but it's not the end of the world.

Of course, you are right - it is When, not If.

And of course I`m not intending to bring heavy-loaded gun - it`s impossible in my country. Neither do I have desire to be shot. But something that will just bring me a solid amount of physical pain without severe future consequences - yes , it`s a price I am ready to pay. Probably I have a psychology of a victim, but this jesture will make it easier the process for me.

actually we are in process of separating right now.
I intentionally infuriated her and made her break with me. And when after few days she said that she regrets her quick-tempered decision, I told her that now I need a break to think about our relationship

so now I consider different outcomes. I think of expensive farewell gift (like a diamond ring) plus offering "open relationship" - that do not imply long term obligations (marriage, children) and would be more like a business contract of mutual sexual pleasing

I'm glad and sorry. I hope it goes well for both of you.

I would advise against a gift, it's like trying to "buy your way out" and is unlikely to leave good memories for her. Put the money into a savings account to spend on the Right Woman. And I would also suggest that you have a complete break from her for a while, some months, before exploring "friends with benefits". Because it can be emotionally very confusing to keep sex in the picture, whilst saying no to other kinds of connection. More so for women than for men, so you may be unintentionally manipulating her and holding out false hope that over time you may change your mind about a full relationship.