Does hate equal to love

xdude wrote:

Imfreakedout wrote:Yes I am involved because she wont stop. Yes its creepy and annoying but at the sametime its entertaining ...

Having conflicted feelings is normal enough though it drives some with some personality types to split, leaves them anxious, etc.

She might have conflicted feelings too, but isn't handling them well, and may be the type to swing between extremes of not caring, and then angry she was rejected, over and over in cycles that may slow or decrease in intensity over time.

If that's what's going on then as they say time heals all wounds. Hopefully in time for both of you the conflicted feelings will die down and you can both live the rest of your lives in peace. No real advice other then hopefully you are clear about what you want, despite any conflicted feelings, and if put in the situation, don't let the ego stroking feelings get in the way of choosing to end it, for both your sakes.

I wish this never happened. All this stuff is getting to me and I feel that i'm just gonna explode. I cant take it anymore. Not just this girl but everyone else. Things are happening and my wife was careful of what she is telling me. But day by day I find something else out and I just wanna leave her so she can have her peace. I really dont want to see or speak anybody.

EarlyMorning wrote:
who knows her true motives but whatever her game/purpose even she cant follow it through. Will probably upset her more. She cannot follow through in life with anything good.

Having a date in mind for you is good. And when it happens, dont leave any clues (you may be tempted, dont). Good luck.

Life would be much easier if she'd just stop. Im not leaving any clues but I will be very very easy to find thats the part that sucks. At least I will have distance then and she might not be willing to travel that far.

Imfreakedout wrote:

xdude wrote:

Imfreakedout wrote:Yes I am involved because she wont stop. Yes its creepy and annoying but at the sametime its entertaining ...

Having conflicted feelings is normal enough though it drives some with some personality types to split, leaves them anxious, etc.

She might have conflicted feelings too, but isn't handling them well, and may be the type to swing between extremes of not caring, and then angry she was rejected, over and over in cycles that may slow or decrease in intensity over time.

If that's what's going on then as they say time heals all wounds. Hopefully in time for both of you the conflicted feelings will die down and you can both live the rest of your lives in peace. No real advice other then hopefully you are clear about what you want, despite any conflicted feelings, and if put in the situation, don't let the ego stroking feelings get in the way of choosing to end it, for both your sakes.

I wish this never happened. All this stuff is getting to me and I feel that i'm just gonna explode. I cant take it anymore. Not just this girl but everyone else. Things are happening and my wife was careful of what she is telling me. But day by day I find something else out and I just wanna leave her so she can have her peace. I really dont want to see or speak anybody.

Imfreaked -

Thing is for someone with a PD, it is their life 24/7/365

Its an ego bruise but you cant compete in their world because it is not a game for them... it's their life, all the time.

Feel free to PM man.

xdude wrote:
Feel free to PM man.

PM'd you

Imfreakedout wrote:

EarlyMorning wrote:
who knows her true motives but whatever her game/purpose even she cant follow it through. Will probably upset her more. She cannot follow through in life with anything good.

Having a date in mind for you is good. And when it happens, dont leave any clues (you may be tempted, dont). Good luck.

Life would be much easier if she'd just stop. Im not leaving any clues but I will be very very easy to find thats the part that sucks. At least I will have distance then and she might not be willing to travel that far.

yes they generally wont travel too far. especially if they dont have a lot of money and money is important to them. more likely to try email or social networking torment then.

as for your wife - dont know what she's doing in particular but as much as she will want to work things out she wont trust you and she will want to remind you of what you did. however, leaving her will do her more damage in the long run. If you care for your wife, stick it out and try and make it work and accept it graciously if she finishes things with you.

If things are getting too much go see a therapist. I'm going to my last hypno session in a couple of wereks (I've had 5 x 2 hour sessions, 1 per week) and they've really helped. the thing you have to understand is that this won't change the outside stuff going on but it helps you feel better about yourself, understand yourself, understand them more and in turn helps you deal with your situ better and see perspective. The fact that this is getting too much for you shows how you're internalising it. Find a good friend (non biased) who you can talk to but I'd def try and see a therapist. I prefer hypno to a shrink because the answers are all coming from me and not someone else.

Also, you feel like running away now. Its all too much. Thats the weaker side of you. The side that got you involved with her in the first place. Dont listen to that side. Its the easier option. Learn from this. Learn from your mistakes, face responsibility and consequences, whilst at the same time learning and then making sure you're looking after your inner self well. That does not mean not giving two doodoos about your wife and family. Strike balance. See a professional if you need help and support. You need to be strong. If you run away from you and your family responsibilities you will have learnt nothing from this. And you will feel worse about yourself which is pointless.

EarlyMorning wrote:yes they generally wont travel too far. especially if they dont have a lot of money and money is important to them. more likely to try email or social networking torment then.

I have her all blocked so no worries there.

EarlyMorning wrote:as for your wife - dont know what she's doing in particular but as much as she will want to work things out she wont trust you and she will want to remind you of what you did. however, leaving her will do her more damage in the long run. If you care for your wife, stick it out and try and make it work and accept it graciously if she finishes things with you.

I am trying to stick it out but the other stuff going on now is making her shut down. She doesnt want to be the one to end it either, if it ends she wants to lay all the blame on me. I am doing everything I promised to make things up to her but the external forces keep interfering with our progress. I went and spoke with someone and his advice was to stay away from everyone till we were 100% and she doesnt want to do that.

EarlyMorning wrote:If things are getting too much go see a therapist. I'm going to my last hypno session in a couple of wereks (I've had 5 x 2 hour sessions, 1 per week) and they've really helped. the thing you have to understand is that this won't change the outside stuff going on but it helps you feel better about yourself, understand yourself, understand them more and in turn helps you deal with your situ better and see perspective. The fact that this is getting too much for you shows how you're internalising it. Find a good friend (non biased) who you can talk to but I'd def try and see a therapist. I prefer hypno to a shrink because the answers are all coming from me and not someone else.

I have a few friends that I speak to about this. They all dont have any clue what Im going through. This situation made me learn a lot about myself. With the amount of hours I put in at my job I have no time to seek therapy and I am just too embarassed to go.

EarlyMorning wrote:Also, you feel like running away now. Its all too much. Thats the weaker side of you. The side that got you involved with her in the first place. Dont listen to that side. Its the easier option. Learn from this. Learn from your mistakes, face responsibility and consequences, whilst at the same time learning and then making sure you're looking after your inner self well. That does not mean not giving two doodoos about your wife and family. Strike balance. See a professional if you need help and support. You need to be strong. If you run away from you and your family responsibilities you will have learnt nothing from this. And you will feel worse about yourself which is pointless.

I was much stronger before easter. I have seen people that I havent seen for months and I had a reality check. I honestly dont care what anyone thinks about me. ###$ them their not better than me and who are they to judge me when they have made mistakes. The thing that bothers me is the lack of respect people have for my wife. Its no secret that we are having a problem (not everyone knows what the problem is) yet most of the people that know what I have done are being #######5 with me (I personally dont care) and I can see that bothers her.If anyone has the right to be #######5 to me it's her. Everyone else should just give her some respect and at least say hello to me. Not that I want speak or hang out with them but just to make my wife feel better.

Imfreakedout wrote:

EarlyMorning wrote:as for your wife - dont know what she's doing in particular but as much as she will want to work things out she wont trust you and she will want to remind you of what you did. however, leaving her will do her more damage in the long run. If you care for your wife, stick it out and try and make it work and accept it graciously if she finishes things with you.

I am trying to stick it out but the other stuff going on now is making her shut down. She doesnt want to be the one to end it either, if it ends she wants to lay all the blame on me. I am doing everything I promised to make things up to her but the external forces keep interfering with our progress. I went and spoke with someone and his advice was to stay away from everyone till we were 100% and she doesnt want to do that.

Your wife doesnt want to take this advice? why? she wants to "stick it out" regardless of its affects on her? Is she saying "why should they drive me/us away?" kind of thing? I understand the stubborness if thats the case, but she is falling on her own sword by wanting the last word (metaphorically speaking). Whoever gave you the advice they did was right and maybe you need to speak to her, listen to her views, and give her the other perspective of why this might be better for her and then the both of you in the long run. At the moment she can't see that.

Imfreakedout wrote:

EarlyMorning wrote:If things are getting too much go see a therapist. I'm going to my last hypno session in a couple of wereks (I've had 5 x 2 hour sessions, 1 per week) and they've really helped. the thing you have to understand is that this won't change the outside stuff going on but it helps you feel better about yourself, understand yourself, understand them more and in turn helps you deal with your situ better and see perspective. The fact that this is getting too much for you shows how you're internalising it. Find a good friend (non biased) who you can talk to but I'd def try and see a therapist. I prefer hypno to a shrink because the answers are all coming from me and not someone else.

I have a few friends that I speak to about this. They all dont have any clue what Im going through. This situation made me learn a lot about myself. With the amount of hours I put in at my job I have no time to seek therapy and I am just too embarassed to go.

Yes its hard for friends who have no experience of something similar or the same, no matter how sympathetic or empathetic they may be. They may also be the kind of person who thinks they dont know the answer, and therefore "cant" help. Sometimes you dont need them to give you answers, you just need support, for them just to be there for you guys. As for therapy, dont let your pride in the way. And make time. You need to make time for you in life. You are important to you. Don't let other things take priority. If you need help, that must come first. Be kind to you and put you first when you're doing it for positive reasons in keeping you well. No excuses. Plus you'll find whatever you tell a therapist they WILL have heard much worse from someone else. Whatever we go through in life someone else ALWAYS has a much more crazy tale so dont ever be embarrased. The therapist will be support and help and unbiased and i doubt shockable. If you're not worried about it from the therapists point of view, and more being a macho guy and feeling embarrased that you have a "weakness" and it's "getting to you" then again, put your pride aside my friend. It takes a stronger person to talk about it, deal with it, share it, than it does to hide it and pretend it's not happening!

Imfreakedout wrote:

EarlyMorning wrote:Also, you feel like running away now. Its all too much. Thats the weaker side of you. The side that got you involved with her in the first place. Dont listen to that side. Its the easier option. Learn from this. Learn from your mistakes, face responsibility and consequences, whilst at the same time learning and then making sure you're looking after your inner self well. That does not mean not giving two doodoos about your wife and family. Strike balance. See a professional if you need help and support. You need to be strong. If you run away from you and your family responsibilities you will have learnt nothing from this. And you will feel worse about yourself which is pointless.

I was much stronger before easter. I have seen people that I havent seen for months and I had a reality check. I honestly dont care what anyone thinks about me. ###$ them their not better than me and who are they to judge me when they have made mistakes. The thing that bothers me is the lack of respect people have for my wife. Its no secret that we are having a problem (not everyone knows what the problem is) yet most of the people that know what I have done are being #######5 with me (I personally dont care) and I can see that bothers her.If anyone has the right to be #######5 to me it's her. Everyone else should just give her some respect and at least say hello to me. Not that I want speak or hang out with them but just to make my wife feel better.

This takes me back to the first point raised here. You can't control others, and neither can your wife, so if they want to be arses, and you're not surrounded by decent people who at best will be supportive and at worst will keep their opinions to themselves, then more is the need to take the advice of your friend and get away from everyone until you've sorted yourselves out within your immediate family situation.

Let me know how you're getting on and stay strong.

EarlyMorning wrote:Your wife doesnt want to take this advice? why? she wants to "stick it out" regardless of its affects on her? Is she saying "why should they drive me/us away?" kind of thing? I understand the stubborness if thats the case, but she is falling on her own sword by wanting the last word (metaphorically speaking). Whoever gave you the advice they did was right and maybe you need to speak to her, listen to her views, and give her the other perspective of why this might be better for her and then the both of you in the long run. At the moment she can't see that.

I think she realized that this week. Some stuffs happening now and we are hitting rough waters now. Like a hurricane.

EarlyMorning wrote:Yes its hard for friends who have no experience of something similar or the same, no matter how sympathetic or empathetic they may be. They may also be the kind of person who thinks they dont know the answer, and therefore "cant" help. Sometimes you dont need them to give you answers, you just need support, for them just to be there for you guys. As for therapy, dont let your pride in the way. And make time. You need to make time for you in life. You are important to you. Don't let other things take priority. If you need help, that must come first. Be kind to you and put you first when you're doing it for positive reasons in keeping you well. No excuses. Plus you'll find whatever you tell a therapist they WILL have heard much worse from someone else. Whatever we go through in life someone else ALWAYS has a much more crazy tale so dont ever be embarrased. The therapist will be support and help and unbiased and i doubt shockable. If you're not worried about it from the therapists point of view, and more being a macho guy and feeling embarrased that you have a "weakness" and it's "getting to you" then again, put your pride aside my friend. It takes a stronger person to talk about it, deal with it, share it, than it does to hide it and pretend it's not happening!

I'll consider that.

EarlyMorning wrote:This takes me back to the first point raised here. You can't control others, and neither can your wife, so if they want to be arses, and you're not surrounded by decent people who at best will be supportive and at worst will keep their opinions to themselves, then more is the need to take the advice of your friend and get away from everyone until you've sorted yourselves out within your immediate family situation.

Let me know how you're getting on and stay strong.

Lets put it this way these people we are dealing with have the biggest EGO'S you have ever seen. They make absloutely no mistakes in their lives and when they do make a mistake you will never hear about it. They sit and talk, make fun of others.....then when stuff happens to them they cant deal with it and go nuts. I cant tell you how much I am backed into a corner right now and its the external force that are driving it. The funny thing is it's not even the girl thats doing this now.

Im trying my best to stay strong. I was a rock now......

I personally think that we are drawn to people we need to learn something from. It can be a matter of us wanting to grow or it can be a matter of wanting to hide.
If we find someone we grow with, we feel great.
If we find someone we hide with-it gets messy.
Sometimes this is so subconscious in a person, what they soon HATE about the other is actually something they hate about themselves. A harsh truth perhaps.
No one likes to feel vulnerable. No one likes to be embarrassed. So sometimes when we dont have it all figured, the best thing to do is WALK away. Take some time to sort yourself out.
You gotta live with you a whole life time. So get to know your strengths and weaknesses.
What do you like about yourself? Keep it. Be around others who value those things.
What do you dislike about yourself? Assess why. Be around people who give you room to grow at your own pace.
Finding a great fit is hard work, but if you are happy with who you are, it is more likely you will choose someone who is as well.
One

Imfreakedout wrote:Lets put it this way these people we are dealing with have the biggest EGO'S you have ever seen. They make absloutely no mistakes in their lives and when they do make a mistake you will never hear about it. They sit and talk, make fun of others.....then when stuff happens to them they cant deal with it and go nuts. I cant tell you how much I am backed into a corner right now and its the external force that are driving it. The funny thing is it's not even the girl thats doing this now.

yeah outsiders getting involved with their own agendas. unless they're family and you can't just walk away from them so easily then walk away from them. why surround yourself with people that shallow anyway regardless of this issue. in hard times you soon learn who your real friends are.

if theyre family, stay away as much as possible. your immediate family and anyone who can genuinely support you is all that is important right now.

it may be that you need to leave your wife some space without leaving the relationship for a little while if thats what she wants. Ask her - dont just decide its whats best for her but it could be a good idea if she wants it to be so for now.

And yes I can see how you would be feeling low and like enough is enough. But you are stronger than that. You know this deep down. You will get through this. Get that inner strength and think to yourself, ok, bring it on. If you do whats right for you and your immediate family you will gain strength in yourself because you will be able to live in the knowledge you are trying all you can to make things right for all the right reasons. Ultimately though, make sure your family are as good as you can but look after your own mental and physical wellbeing as a priority, especially for your kids. They depend on both of you and if you give up on yourself you're no use to them.

And on the plus side SHE is not causing problems right now. Always look for the positive in any given situation.