Does hate equal to love

EarlyMorning wrote:second you call her your ex. she's not your ex. she was your mistress. get it right.

wo. wo. wo.

hold up.

can you define, please, the difference between a "gf" and a "mistress"? and can you please define to me the similarities?

what is a mistress, and what is it not? - just curious for just a second - we need some terminology here.

- Labor.

EarlyMorning wrote:as with your other post i will point a few things out (gosh I hang around you almost as much as the "chick" these days eh ; you must be irresistable!)

You figured me out! I am irresistable...LOL

EarlyMorning wrote:firstly, for someone who is "indifferent" to her you talk about her alot! Yes I know she's stalking you making your life a misery yada yada. But you seem to be looking v deeply into whats wrong with her. Hows about you take a looksy into your issues? go on. have a go. they're there.

I know I have some issues and I am working on them. The reason I am looking soooo deeply into her issues are because of all the stuff that was said and all the stuff that she is doing. When I broke it off and she was manipulating me to get back with her and I caved she kicked me to the curb. But as soon as I figured that out I dropped a few "seeds" before I stopped talking to her. I guess they grew. I admit not the right thing to do but I let my ego take control at that point. When you mutually agree on breaking it off I guess you shouldnt try and get back at a person. Especially when we knew what we were doing was wrong.

EarlyMorning wrote:second you call her your ex. she's not your ex. she was your mistress. get it right.

Does the title really matter.. Ex-mistress would be better...no?

EarlyMorning wrote:thirdly, and in answer to the question you asked at the beginning of the post - if she says she hates you, then she probably still loves you (or thinks she does). There's a fine line amigo as we know. And she has extreme emotion towards you, which if you were to go back to her and dance the dance again would flip from hate to adoration again yes (although, still some disrespect and some disklike for both you and herself).

I am trying on keeping my marriage together firstly I do love my wife and respect her. Lets just say hypothetically if anything was going to happen the only dancing will be done by her. She has no worries about me ever confronting her especially after all shes done.

EarlyMorning wrote:We (emotionally unhealthy/unavailable) people ALWAYS want what we can't have MORE. We feel we're OWED. Get it yet?

Well I guess that says a lot to me and I figured as such. But I have a family and I owe it to them to work on keeping it together. She told me that herself.....and she has the the king of all losers as her boyfriend so why not just focus on that. He is a better man than me according to her. I owe her nothing as far as Im concerned......she owes me!

EarlyMorning wrote:Anyway, she wont become indifferent until she has an epiphany like me (no i never stalked but I had been in love with the same guy since I was 13-40 even though I didnt see him from 20-39 (I let him go physically when he chose someone else - i have a modicum of self respect lol but I never stopped "loving" him) BUT GO FIGURE THE CRAZINESS of my life of never marrying cos he was "the only one for me". Call me Ms Haversham and get me some cats!).

Its good you had your epiphany. Hope you had some love in your life. Now I understamd why your not holding back the punches.....im glad you responded actually. That kind of puts things in perspective for me. Never thought I could have had that type of effect on her. Especially how adamant she was about me getting out of her life and wanting that loser so much.

EarlyMorning wrote:My epiphany came when he came back into my life and an older self saw the light and my logic/plus hypno Im having made me see my stuff aswell as his and hell, i didnt even KNOW the cause of my stuff (which ironically was not even HIM ha ha, but my darling daddy - *let me hear an "ahhhhh"*).

She has daddy issues too....shes never met him. I guess she latched on to me because I was really the only person in her life that actually treated her nice and took care of her. Her mother is a mean abusive bitch and always put her down.

EarlyMorning wrote:As you can tell Im still working through my stuff, but to be totally frank with you i do kind of know what im talking about in regards to this kind of shebang. Its taken me best part of 30 years to work it out and now I have its so ridiculously obvious. I can also tell you without a shadow of a doubt that you and her were involved because you both have 'issues' as do you and your wife both have them. EU people unless they sort themselves fully out only end up with other EU people. With one the driver and one the passenger. You started out the driver my friend, only she's turned the tables on you now you're apart the only way she knows how. She's trying to get you, control, you name it, she's trying to get on top of the situation.

EU?? Whats that? Lets just put it this way I know I have issues and so does she. I felt that as one of our connections that is why I understood her so well. Yes she turned the tables and is in the driver seat....shes driving me to the nut house. My wife has no issues.....she loves me and has some old school values ingrained in her. Is it so wrong she is giving me a chance?? I ###$ up I understand that but we have a family and we cant be selfish......i'm not the douche that im coming off as either. Weak and stupid is better.

EarlyMorning wrote:The only way you will get rid of her is to disappear. Tell her to go (not necessarily in words but in actions) and MEAN it and go. And anyone connected to her break contact. And if you want your wife, take her with you. Get the hell out of dodge and let the woman get over you, plan your slow brutal death, have a breakdown, realise she has issues and sort herself out, or whatever the hell she ends up doing. But it wont be any of your concern cos you'll be gone.

Not gonna happen......its too complicated. If thats my only action I will be dealing with this for a while. I told her I would leave her alone and I demanded to be left alone. That didnt work.

EarlyMorning wrote:I know you think you shouldnt have to move cos she's the one stalking, you're the one that doesnt want it, but as I said before my friend you're reaping what you sowed and you gave her too much of what you didnt have to give and she believed you and wants what's hers. If she has any other issues other than her emotionally unavailability that made her get with you in the first place she could be very dangerous so I would seriously pack up and disappear. But will your ego let you...?

Its not about ego honestly. I am working on some stuff so I will be moving soon.....but she will end up finding me again. I know it. The other thing is I know that she thinks im hers. She never thought I would ever throw her out of my place and when I did it she was shocked. But after all the BS she put me through I had enough. If she ever manages to corner me I will speak to her dont know what I'll say or what to expect though.

Thanks again for the brutally honest response. Im not taking any offense to it. Im just glad to hear from someone that was in a similar situation on the other end of the table. Hope things work out for you.

ok op, we have an understanding. Your ego has stepped aside and until it resurfaces I will speak to you in a more frank and kind tone.

EU - emotionally unavailable. Can be many reasons. Most common: issues in childhood. Daddy not giving enough love, no love, conditional love. Mum over loving/overexpecting/highly criticial/overpraising underachievement/failure to acknowledge achievement. Alot of EU people have narcissistic traits. Main fear abandonment. Committment phobes. Always looking for "perfection". Decide who they want (even though they're not good enough or right for them) and bet on potential. Want to make the other person something they're not and if they cant that person doesnt "love them enough to change". Constantly living with the self fullfilling prophecy. Low self esteem, low or no boundaries, take more notice of the words than the actions, feel entitled/owed after their investment, any contact or sign of attention gives hope (self inflicting types). high walls, blowing hot and cold as a defense mechanism when the partner gets too "needy" or they cant deliver on what they'd promised, see people as their "property", cant commit to staying but can't commit to leaving, fear of making a mistake, might not want someone but doesnt want that person to want anyone else, wants to control but disrespects those that can be controlled - perfection for them is someone who would actually walk away and not put up with any c**p - they're the ones they desire the most (defense by attack types).

Women can go either of the 2 ways or be a bit of both - normally they internalise the pain (I'm not worthy) of "rejection". They then either self destruct, or want revenge. Occassionally a woman will though do what the men with EYU do which is:

Act like a total ****. Lack empathy. Want their cake and eat it. Commitmentphobes. Yes they may marry, have kids, but marrying doesnt equal commitment when commitment is emotional intimacy, truly opening yourself up. Overestimate their interest but back off severely when the other person becomes too needy, critices, wont conform. Will use passive aggression to get back to the status quo.

Yes I can see why she would have daddy issues. and mummy issues that you've explained. me too. But not to her extent. Maybe thats why I dont stalk! As for the bf, she may says he's better than you because "logically" he is because he's WITH her. But deep down she doesnt think that because she thinks he's a loser, who is with her who she knows likes you, therefore he's even more a loser yada yada.

Also it may matter to your wife what title you give this woman. You are married, therefore she was your mistress. If she were your ex (as in ex gf) that would suggest you were single, met her, left her. See? Its a respect thing, which may be neither here nor there and you may not intend it but the title (to women) is important.

If you really cant MOVE. Then do your best to stay out of her way. No contact. She may give up if someone else, like you, takes her attention. Or she wakes up to herself. Otherwise she may keep on doing what she does. But if the latter no contact. Try for an injunction legally, get your wife to try. Some kind of order that stops her entering a distance to where you live and work. I dont know how it works in the States but if police wont help go to your local politician. its election time in the US so your local politician might be more willing to help right now (call me cynical).

You could go the media route as a last resort but tbh thats giving her attention and you dont know how she'd react.

So thats my advice for today. As for you wife, if she really has no issues, and accepts that you made a mistake through a moment of weakness (well a few cos you took the woman back once) and that you're not habitual in this behaviour then I wish you all the best. And it was v unlucky of you if this was the first only and out of character time for you to engage in any type of affair or cheating to land up with someone so unstable. But if you really want to live and learn, cut the "ego" side of your personality down a shred or two, because thats what attracts the likes of her in the first place.

Imfreakedout wrote:I owe her nothing as far as Im concerned......she owes me!

and there, out of the horses mouth, you own up to what you and she have in common.

the truth is she owes you nothing, you owe her nothing, but you both think you're both owed. Thats EU for you...

-- Fri May 04, 2012 12:20 pm --

Imfreakedout wrote:i'm not the douche that im coming off as either. Weak and stupid is better.

read this back and see what you're saying about yourself. and then re-read what I've written about EU type description.

Understand, accept, take action. When you finally understand you'll know what I mean.

EarlyMorning wrote:ok op, we have an understanding. Your ego has stepped aside and until it resurfaces I will speak to you in a more frank and kind tone.

Yeah I know I have a little bit of an ego but I also give people respect and I hope you can see that.

EarlyMorning wrote:EU - emotionally unavailable. Can be many reasons. Most common: issues in childhood. Daddy not giving enough love, no love, conditional love. Mum over loving/overexpecting/highly criticial/overpraising underachievement/failure to acknowledge achievement. Alot of EU people have narcissistic traits. Main fear abandonment. Committment phobes. Always looking for "perfection". Decide who they want (even though they're not good enough or right for them) and bet on potential. Want to make the other person something they're not and if they cant that person doesnt "love them enough to change". Constantly living with the self fullfilling prophecy. Low self esteem, low or no boundaries, take more notice of the words than the actions, feel entitled/owed after their investment, any contact or sign of attention gives hope (self inflicting types). high walls, blowing hot and cold as a defense mechanism when the partner gets too "needy" or they cant deliver on what they'd promised, see people as their "property", cant commit to staying but can't commit to leaving, fear of making a mistake, might not want someone but doesnt want that person to want anyone else, wants to control but disrespects those that can be controlled - perfection for them is someone who would actually walk away and not put up with any c**p - they're the ones they desire the most (defense by attack types).

I can see some of this in myself.

EarlyMorning wrote:Women can go either of the 2 ways or be a bit of both - normally they internalise the pain (I'm not worthy) of "rejection". They then either self destruct, or want revenge. Occassionally a woman will though do what the men with EYU do which is:

Act like a total ****. Lack empathy. Want their cake and eat it. Commitmentphobes. Yes they may marry, have kids, but marrying doesnt equal commitment when commitment is emotional intimacy, truly opening yourself up. Overestimate their interest but back off severely when the other person becomes too needy, critices, wont conform. Will use passive aggression to get back to the status quo.

That sounds like her with a little HPD mixed in. She did self destruct when we first broke it off. Started drinking doing drugs and dating that loser (she's been with him for a year now BTW).

EarlyMorning wrote:Yes I can see why she would have daddy issues. and mummy issues that you've explained. me too. But not to her extent. Maybe thats why I dont stalk! As for the bf, she may says he's better than you because "logically" he is because he's WITH her. But deep down she doesnt think that because she thinks he's a loser, who is with her who she knows likes you, therefore he's even more a loser yada yada.

Basically she's said that to me one of the last times we spoke. She's also ashamed of bringing him places with her from what I understand. She will never bring him to any of the parties I will be at he would get picked apart by her family plus I told her I dont think I would be able to control my laughter he's a mid 30's swaggar(ghetto) type guy and would never ever fit in.She knows that too. The majority of the time they go places in separate cars. I used to see them all the time till I changed my work hours that's how I know. So yes it's safe to assume she knows he's a LOSER. One othe reasons she was "seeing" him is because she hates her mother and wants to upset her as much as she can because she brought her into this world without a father.....her words.

EarlyMorning wrote:Also it may matter to your wife what title you give this woman. You are married, therefore she was your mistress. If she were your ex (as in ex gf) that would suggest you were single, met her, left her. See? Its a respect thing, which may be neither here nor there and you may not intend it but the title (to women) is important.

My wife calls her my exgirlfriend FYI and she would be hanging around me so much she'd call her my girlfriend. Dont know what that says about my wife.

EarlyMorning wrote:If you really cant MOVE. Then do your best to stay out of her way. No contact. She may give up if someone else, like you, takes her attention. Or she wakes up to herself. Otherwise she may keep on doing what she does. But if the latter no contact. Try for an injunction legally, get your wife to try. Some kind of order that stops her entering a distance to where you live and work. I dont know how it works in the States but if police wont help go to your local politician. its election time in the US so your local politician might be more willing to help right now (call me cynical).

I actually spoke to my attorney this morning and we had a discussion about how she tried to run me off the road and what I could do to protect myself and he said unless I thought I was in physical danger that it would be a waste of time and money. I cannot move to a different state but as soon as I get some things worked out I will be leaving my store and moving to a different town.

EarlyMorning wrote:You could go the media route as a last resort but tbh thats giving her attention and you dont know how she'd react.

So thats my advice for today. As for you wife, if she really has no issues, and accepts that you made a mistake through a moment of weakness (well a few cos you took the woman back once) and that you're not habitual in this behaviour then I wish you all the best. And it was v unlucky of you if this was the first only and out of character time for you to engage in any type of affair or cheating to land up with someone so unstable. But if you really want to live and learn, cut the "ego" side of your personality down a shred or two, because thats what attracts the likes of her in the first place.

That was the first time Ive ever did that. After this experience it is the last. If I ever had that thought again I would leave my wife because there is something wrong with me. My wife has no issues that I can see. She only sees the good in people. She is a good kind person that didnt deserve this.

Again thanks for the advice and coments. Good stuff. Learned something about myself too.

-- Fri May 04, 2012 7:25 pm --

EarlyMorning wrote:

Imfreakedout wrote:I owe her nothing as far as Im concerned......she owes me!

and there, out of the horses mouth, you own up to what you and she have in common.

the truth is she owes you nothing, you owe her nothing, but you both think you're both owed. Thats EU for you...

-- Fri May 04, 2012 12:20 pm --

Imfreakedout wrote:i'm not the douche that im coming off as either. Weak and stupid is better.

read this back and see what you're saying about yourself. and then re-read what I've written about EU type description.

Understand, accept, take action. When you finally understand you'll know what I mean.

I get it, I get. Point taken.

Yeah...it mean they have ADVERTISING SPAM LINK REMOVED BY MODERATOR.

Imfreakedout wrote:

EarlyMorning wrote:ok op, we have an understanding. Your ego has stepped aside and until it resurfaces I will speak to you in a more frank and kind tone.

Yeah I know I have a little bit of an ego but I also give people respect and I hope you can see that.

Yes. I saw that you were being respectful. Forgive me but I was waiting to see your next reply to see if the respect continued before I acknowledged it. For now, I'm acknowledging it.

I can also see that your wife does have an issue. from what you just said. No wife should in my opinion, allow you, or allow herself, to call your ex mistress your ex gf or girlfriend (present tense) unless she was saying it to be hurtful to you - to make a point. It shows acceptance of the situation if she is ok with saying it. It implies she (your wife) has lowered her boundaries on this issue. Does she have boundaries? Do you overstep them? When you overstep them are there CONSEQUENCES? or does she forgive easily without question? does she shout and scream and get upset but still forgive quickly? either way thats not showing you that there are consequences and its also showing that she puts you before her. It shows that she wants to hold on to the relationship whatever the cost to her. Have a think about her other boundaries, whether youve crossed them, were there consequences?

As for the police, your wife should try. If no joy, again try politicians. If not and it gets worse, then do move. If your ex mistress is trying to run you down that is severe and the police should do something. Its frustrating when they have the "come back when shes actually injured you" attitude. They dont take woman on man seriously, so yes again I suggest your wife goes and demands help from them. Do you have kids? She should use them and say shes scared for all of your welfares.

As for reading what I wrote and taking the point about yourself, Im glad that you found it helpful/insightful. And not to be patronising, but well done. It takes a big person to admit their faults. Do work on yourself. There's a good person in there. I fear for your ex mistress it may be too late for her. Especially if she takes drugs too. She is obsessed (nothing to get your ego going there about that believe me!) and she wants control, what she believes shes owed and if she cant get it she wants you "gone" in whichever form that takes as she will believe thats the only way she can stop thinking about you/get over you. Revenge mode has taken her over.

If truth be told, if she ever sought help and got it she would probably find she doesnt care about you that much. This isnt really about you. Its about her other stuff. Likewise your reasons for being how you are arent all about the people youve had relationships with. They will stem from the first crisis rejection, what made you how you are.

2 little thoughts for you:

1) Disappointment is not the same as rejection - dont confuse the two.
2) Its more important to forgive yourself in life than to forgive those that have hurt you.

Stay well and stay away from her.

EarlyMorning wrote:Yes. I saw that you were being respectful. Forgive me but I was waiting to see your next reply to see if the respect continued before I acknowledged it. For now, I'm acknowledging it.

Not to toot my own horn but I always treat everybody with respect and until this little predicament I have gotten myself into I was respected by everyone. Thats why it was a shock to the few people that know.

EarlyMorning wrote:I can also see that your wife does have an issue. from what you just said. No wife should in my opinion, allow you, or allow herself, to call your ex mistress your ex gf or girlfriend (present tense) unless she was saying it to be hurtful to you - to make a point. It shows acceptance of the situation if she is ok with saying it. It implies she (your wife) has lowered her boundaries on this issue. Does she have boundaries? Do you overstep them? When you overstep them are there CONSEQUENCES? or does she forgive easily without question? does she shout and scream and get upset but still forgive quickly? either way thats not showing you that there are consequences and its also showing that she puts you before her. It shows that she wants to hold on to the relationship whatever the cost to her. Have a think about her other boundaries, whether youve crossed them, were there consequences?

She said it to bust my balls actually. Did I suffer any consequenses.....not really to be honest.....she put all the blame on the girl first and me second. Did she forgive me....nope. Shes accepted the fact that its happened but I dont think she is over what I did. She has he moments shouting yes but after a while she just lets it go. She's not a pushover by any means that I know. Im the one that usually gives in to her and she knows it.

EarlyMorning wrote:As for the police, your wife should try. If no joy, again try politicians. If not and it gets worse, then do move. If your ex mistress is trying to run you down that is severe and the police should do something. Its frustrating when they have the "come back when shes actually injured you" attitude. They dont take woman on man seriously, so yes again I suggest your wife goes and demands help from them. Do you have kids? She should use them and say shes scared for all of your welfares.

I spoke to my lawyer and he explained the why and why nots of my situation. Basically he advised me it would be in my best interest to let it go so I wouldn't suffer a court battle. There are other parts of this story that Im leaving out things that she had done that I really cant get into because if she was to ever google this stuff she would figure out it was me. Yes a woman stalking a man is not serious...... seems like I should be flattered is what im getting as a response. Yes I have children.

EarlyMorning wrote:As for reading what I wrote and taking the point about yourself, Im glad that you found it helpful/insightful. And not to be patronising, but well done. It takes a big person to admit their faults. Do work on yourself. There's a good person in there. I fear for your ex mistress it may be too late for her. Especially if she takes drugs too. She is obsessed (nothing to get your ego going there about that believe me!) and she wants control, what she believes shes owed and if she cant get it she wants you "gone" in whichever form that takes as she will believe thats the only way she can stop thinking about you/get over you. Revenge mode has taken her over.

Whats after revenge mode?? I think she's past that. Trying to run me off the road and chasing after me and then running away and ignoring me. I think was a way for her to just get my attention. Since then she hasn't been stalking me as much. It goes in cycles. Everyday for weeks then once a week then a few times a week then back to everyday and so on. Its been that way since the last week of August. She was trying to get revenge till about January (that I know of). So now what is it. When I got a good look at her face she didnt seem angry more like she was sad. That was the day she tried running me down and chasing me. One day she pulled one of her stunts and one of my employees seen her about 30 minutes later driving in her car crying. So this girl has something wrong just dont know what.

EarlyMorning wrote:If truth be told, if she ever sought help and got it she would probably find she doesnt care about you that much. This isnt really about you. Its about her other stuff. Likewise your reasons for being how you are arent all about the people youve had relationships with. They will stem from the first crisis rejection, what made you how you are.

Im certain that there is some truth to that.

EarlyMorning wrote:2 little thoughts for you:

1) Disappointment is not the same as rejection - dont confuse the two.
2) Its more important to forgive yourself in life than to forgive those that have hurt you.

Stay well and stay away from her.

1) So you think she's disappointed in whats happened. This is not going on because she was rejected?
2) Honestly I havent forgiven myself or her. Lots of $#%^ has happened and seeing what shes done I cant believe she's still trying to keep my attention. Why would she ever think I would want to ever speak to her again?

Thank you I appreciate the response, and I have been doing my best to stay away.

Putting aside any disorders, the situation you were in had you relatively safe (in that you had someone to potentially go back to), while she being single had more to lose ego wise. Rejection is a hard on anyone, but more so on some, and more so depending on the situation.

If she does have HPD, then yes, probably being rejected was dramatically hard on her self-esteem (even though those with HPD may relationship hop often, they do so on their terms, so that there is someone else in the picture before they leave, so their own ego is never put at risk; being rejected/dumped though is a big ego blow for someone whose core issues revolve around lack of true self-esteem).

Question - on any level does it build up your ego that she is still pursuing you? I don't mean this to be judgmental but understanding how our own, and others ego are stroked (or torn down) helps us to really understand human motivations/feelings sometimes.

Imfreakedout - your wife is doing what i wouldve done. hence she can give you a hard time but essentially theres no consequence. shes lucky that you normally give in to her. In my case that was not the case and he just tried to bust my boundaries even more. This means you are not as badly messed up as my ex. Its also shows in the fact that she blamed your ex more. You are more to blame than the other woman. Even now, after the revenge stuff, cos you brought it on everyone. Its easier for your wife to blame her more. Cos if she didnt, and admitted it, she'd have to give you a consequence that she really doesnt want to give, because she doesnt want to leave. She is a good person like you say, but not good enough to forgive you (yet). She is however not being a good person to herself. If you can do that for her, be good to her, make it up to her constantly for good, then great, she doesnt need to be good to herself. But if you cant, then one day she will realise she will need to put herself first or it will wear her down to no esteem at all.

second - what comes after revenge mode? It depends. Lets take out of the equation that she doesnt "get you" in which ever form that takes. She'll either meet someone else who she will deem better than you and the cycle will restart but with him. Or she will wake up to herself and go get help for herself. Or she will self harm which could be anything from becoming introverted and recluse and psychologically beating herself to committing suicide.

thats the deal with that i think.

as for being respectful theres still some stuff you say where your ego creeps through even now. Be aware and be careful of that. It may be that you thought you treated everyone with respect before this, but as this side of you seems to come out quite naturally it may well be that it was there, but it wasnt seen as negative as your actions along with it werent negative up until that point. You were probably described sometimes as a great, charming, goodlooking guy who was, if you had to point out something negative, a little arrogant, but was forgiven cos of the charm of being a "great guy". Bet you have a killer smile that stopped people being mad at you for too long before all of this.

Anyway keep no contact as Ive said and avoid as much as possible common geographical areas. And dont WORRY about what comes after revenge mode UNLESS youre worrying about you and your family. Dont worry about what will happen to her, because that stops you cutting the emotional ties, even in her physical absence.

-- Sun May 06, 2012 3:17 pm --

Imfreakedout wrote:

EarlyMorning wrote:2 little thoughts for you:

1) Disappointment is not the same as rejection - dont confuse the two.
2) Its more important to forgive yourself in life than to forgive those that have hurt you.

Stay well and stay away from her.

1) So you think she's disappointed in whats happened. This is not going on because she was rejected?
2) Honestly I havent forgiven myself or her. Lots of $#%^ has happened and seeing what shes done I cant believe she's still trying to keep my attention. Why would she ever think I would want to ever speak to her again?

Im saying she feels rejected and isnt able to differentiate between feeling disappointed in you and feeling rejected by you. Everything she "wanted" with you/from you has gone and she believed she would get it so she feels rejected and short changed. She cant just accept she made a mistake in placing her hopes and dreams in you and just feeling disappointed that you didnt deliver. She sees disappointment AS rejection and internalises it as "Im not worthy of him keeping his word/if he loved me he'd have stayed/kept his word/changed blah blah" rather than "he changed his mind/didnt mean any of it/things happen - its about him not me".
She believed that you when you implied/stated/she assumed that you would rescue her from the life thats shes in that she hates and would take her to her fairytale.

You must try to forgive yourself, aswell as sort out your own issues and feelings. Not just to move on from her but to help your marriage. The downside of that, is that if you sorted yourself, you may find that you are different, and then that could affect your marriage. I still believe you and your wife have these issues too. Your wife is doing what I wouldve done. She is only lucky you react how you do and not how my ex wouldve done. Im not saying you and your wife have huge issues independently, but you do or it wouldnt be this way (you wouldnt have done what you did, your wife wouldnt be reacting how she is).

As for your ex, she may now believe that you would never want to see her again. she may not be that deluded. She may now believe there is no chance or being reunited. But she wont want to be forgotten by the object of her affection or for you to stop thinking about her (no matter how negatively, at least youre thinking). And she cant trust you not to forget her.

Perhaps she has just got herself into a place where she sees she was in a game she refuses to lose - even if she goes down she wants to take you with her. OR perhaps she simply just doesnt want you to forget her.