What really brought me here, was that last night I had a total breakdown. It isn't new for me, I have had a few panic attacks and emotional breakdowns last year but it wasn't anything too life threatening or serious. I was talking to a really old friend of mine on facebook, I've been friends with her for about 4-5 years now. We have had probably the most ups and downs in any friendship/relationship I have ever been in. We met in 6th grade, and a little childish crush set in for both of us, but we were living quite far away at the time. So the majority of our "relationship" was over IM chat.
This 'relationship' never lasted long, mostly because we were kids and we never took it seriously. But I really grew on to her. The phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" comes to mind because I literally saw her once or twice a year. That's It! In between we had many conversations over IM and even fights. (Here's a foreshadow of my issue) I don't quite remember what the fights were about
but I can remember something along the lines of "whats the use/it'll never work out". I seriously cannot remember the conversations we had, but we had arguments where two normal middle school students should have declared one another enemies for life. And this feeling did set in on the first argument, but I wanted a second chance, something kept telling me "never stop trying". So I took the "stay friends" approach. We still had arguments here and there though, but we never actually stopped being friends. Whenever she would.. (sorry, this just hit my mind 
I'm still in my discovery stage of whats happening) sometimes she would start an argument over why I'm not mad at her. Why I don't hate her. And I don't think just because things never worked out I should be mad at her. She would say things like "You probably hate me don't you -.-" or "I understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore" and she would get really surprised when I would answer (and I meant it) "why would I be mad at you 
"Basically, my mind kept telling me to never let something bad come out of these arguments. Which is starting to come together in my big issue of why can't I remember our conversations these few years ago. I think my mind just got so used to the thought that I wanted this girl in my life, whenever something negative arose, I tried to ween my way out of it, not take an augmentative stance, and completely forgive her in the end. Then the whole fight would just -poof- disappear from my conscious state of mind. Now, back to the only seeing her twice a year part. Whenever I saw her, stuff would happen, jokes would fly from friends. Every time we met there would be either a passionate hug or it would end with us falling for each other all over again. The 2 days a year we got to see each other were so PRECIOUS to me, that I felt like we must be together for the entire time. One specific time that set me off was when at the end of the day.. she ran up to me and kissed me on the cheek. I never been kissed on the cheek until that point, and coming from her.. I felt elated. Of course, I remember that because it was a "happy thought". Whereas events that ended up with a later argument/almost argument on IM I don't remember too well.
(I apologize already if this seems like ramble, but I'm just trying to write everything I can down in a way someone can help me.) Now, when I wasn't able to see her, I started to accept the fact that relationship wise/crush wise, I'm over her. I can move on with my love life. But every time I liked a girl, I based everything I looked for off of her. Her personality, her looks, even race >-< I notice now that I sub-consciously chose girls that were short, Asian, and had a slightly "crazy" and fun-loving personality. Of course, this also reminded me of her, and I got really sick to my stomach because I would have a crush on a girl, yet I would always start thinking of 'her'. This got me always wanting to find someone just like her to fill the emptiness of not hearing her voice, not seeing her face, or holding her in my arms. Things like that, I remember to point, and I can even feel them vividly. Basically, I Never got over her.. Ever. And the random panic attacks/emotional breakdowns I've had, I feel like my sub-conscious mind has been triggering because I'm fighting what it wants, her.
It has really taken a toll on me now, I was recently talking to her (sorry for being all over the place) and I began thinking about all the old conversations we had. I thought they may be stored somewhere in an IM folder on my email account. Turns out, they were logged.. to her computer. Every single chat we EVER had, all the memories I cannot remember. They all sit in a folder. 4 years of conversations that are entirely meaningful to me rest with her. I asked her if she could send me the folder of conversations, but lately.. she has changed a bit, she just pushed it off saying the file was too big, and jokingly called me a 'loser'. Highschool has kind of made her turn a bit hectic and busy, but more time with new friends than old friends. I was able to salvage a few conversations on a second email account/IM service we used. Among other things it included the conversation about an accidental kiss we had. A quick one, nothing special. She told me it doesn't "count" or matter. It did affect me though, because I was in another relationship at the time.. and I hadn't seen her in a year and a half. I held on to her the whole night, kissed her on the cheek, then one kiss she thought was for the lips and well.. that's how we accidentally kissed. Since then, I didn't have any more emotional breakdowns, and highschool really took my mind off things.
But after realizing how little I remember, and how all my precious memories sit in a harddrive on her PC, I totally collapsed. I haven't cried in a year (minus an event involving a thrown frozen orange and my nuts) and this just hit me like a freight train. What was worse was that when she left to goto bed from chat, I felt like she was moving away for ever. I felt like I was falling into nothingness and my lifeline just "logged off". I sat there for some hours crying into the night about how I can't remember any meaningful conversations, and how she no longer addresses certain things like she used too. We always had these cute little goodbyes and hellos (: little things that really cheered me up. But since highschool and my first 'girlfriend' she really stopped using them as much/at all. She supported me through my first real relationship but afterwards... when the girl dumped me, I didn't feel much..pain. I felt like I was being welcomed into 'her' arms, but she was worried at how I wasn't emotionally unstable at my first true break-up.
She's always been there for me, just the fact that we're still friends through all the fights back in middle school, and all the relationships with other people we have had, it makes me feel like there's this girl that I can always turn to no matter what. She's the reason I come here, and ask for help. I want to find out if my memories were suppressed for the reason I think they are. I want to know if there's a way to unlock them again >-< because looking at old convo's on IM isn't sparking anything. I miss her, I really do. I want the old, lovey-dovey relationship-friends thing we had going on again. I want to be with her. I miss her. And she's obviously not something I can get over, since it's been years now.
I see her on friday night though. :s It's one of the 2 days a year I see her, and I want to be stable when I talk to her. Cause right now I'm remembering things over and over again about her that make me tear up in missing her, and not being able to remember properly. She thinks I'm just an average kid who is her good friend. She believes I've gotten over her years ago. Please, if there is anyone that can help me make sense of anything I have just written, I would be all open arms to the advice.
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