How to deal with my (toxic?) parents.

I am not sure where to post this, but it is about my relationship with my parents, so thought this might be the right place.

I am a 40 y/o female and I have had a difficult relationship with my parents for a very long time. It has affected my health and I am looking for a coping mechanism.

A few years ago I stopped contacting them because I started having panic and anxiety attacks because of it. They always make me feel like I'm not good enough. They always find fault. If I go left I should have gone right, if I go right, I should have gone left. When I confront them on it their answer is always: you're seeing it wrong, or I don't remember saying/doing that.

I have done some research and now I am really thinking they are toxic parents. Still trying to control things in my life under the guise of 'wanting the best for me'. I haven't seen them for a while now, but when they come visit me (I live abroad) I get totally stressed. Because I know to start it will all be nice, but before long it all goes wrong. My mum starts picking on my husband for silly things. They will decide what time we eat. Coffee has to be served in a cup (I use mugs). Etc. etc. She always makes sneaky comments about my appearance. There is nothing wrong with my appearance as far as I and everyone that knows me can tell. When she likes my clothes she'll go over the top with compliments, but when she doesn't I get a look of dissaproval, and I can see her watching me up and down from the corner of my eye. She doesn't like my hair long, so will say things like: maybe you should go to the hairdresser, that'll make you feel better. Always little comments about how I should do things. Always trying to find fault.

I suffer from low self-esteem, anxiety, and panick attacks. I have managed to control them, but now my parents have contacted me and they are trying to patch things up. I would like nothing more than have a normal relationship with them, but I find it so hard. Last night I spoke to them and at first all very pleasant. Then my mum got on about why things are difficult between us, so I explained a few things. I stayed calm at all times, didn't raise my voice. But again she will not take any responsibility for having done anything wrong ever. All it boils down to according to her is that 'it's in my head', I'm seeing it wrong. When I reminded her about a few hurtful things she's done or said, she can't remember.

I reminded my dad that he took me aside once when I was about 16 to talk to me about mum and how difficult she was and that he found it really hard to cope with her moods. I reminded him of that. He says he can't remember that conversation at all.

They say they will talk about things and phone me again in a fortnight. I really need help in how to deal with them. I have contacted a counsellor and am waiting to hear back. But could anyone advise me please?


Many thanks.

My mother is the same, and I know other mothers who are also the same. As I've said to other people here, older people seem to be less likely to change their habits than younger people. So, in this situation, I think it would really be best to assume that your mother will always be like this. That leaves the 'changing' up to you. You have to adapt to her sniping remarks about you, by basically passing them off as ridiculous. I still become angry when my mother says stupid things about me, but I say it loud and clear that she's being unreasonable (or else I just shut-up and pretend that she never said anything). The low self-esteem you have could be contributing to this too, don't you think?

What made her become this way? Maybe your father just put up with her behaviour and never stood up to her. I have seen families where the mother seems to be the loud person and the one in control, while the father just sits back and does what he's told. Then again, I've seen the reverse situation too.

Please just try to pass off her remarks as nonsense, which id what they are. When you hear her making a remark in the future, wuickly forget about it and do'nt even acknowledge that it was said. You could view this as a bully-victim situation: When the victim reacts to what the bully says, then the bully has one. By the victim not reacting, the bully doesn't get what he/she wants.

Kevin

Thanks for your reply. You are right. It is time to stand up to them, but try to keep it all calm and collective. I have now booked an appointment with a counsellor to work on me changing to deal better with them.

So much has gone on, I don't even know where to start LOL, so am trying to keep it short. As a teenager, whenever my mum was angry with me, she used to say: "No one will ever want you". That still lingers in the back of my head. Who on earth says that to their daughter? I have come such a long way since and have been happily married for over 14 years now.

She always made me feel like I was a troublesome teenager. Looking back, I don't think I was at all. I didn't take drugs, didn't have 'wrong' friends, didn't steal, didn't even have sex LOL, I saved most of my pocket money, I did well in school. The only thing that I might have done 'wrong', was to have a different opinion to my parents sometimes. In their mind that was wrong. Well that's so great about opinions, they're not wrong, they're not right, they're different, that's all.

I know I have my faults, but they think they are never at fault, which is nonsense of course. No one is perfect. I just wish I could make them see they have to take some responsibility for their behaviour. They just won't give an inch. Everything is my fault. They make out like I'm a difficult person. Well if I am so difficult how come I get on with everyone, even my mother-in-law (very well in fact).

I've never done drugs, I hardly drink, no tattoos, piercings. And yet my mum cannot get past my long hair. What on earth is wrong with long hair? I am a woman by the way LOL.

Really hope the counsellor can help me to deal with this.

Many thanks.

Chucky wrote:So, in this situation, I think it would really be best to assume that your mother will always be like this. That leaves the 'changing' up to you. You have to adapt to her sniping remarks about you, by basically passing them off as ridiculous.

I had to learn to do something similar to this with my mother... and actually she had to learn to do it with me.
She was clinically depressed for years but went untreated... and even medication didn't help when she finally got to that.
Only recently has she been able to stabilize herself and feel an ioda better.
She used to say these things that sounded so pathetic... and I, being me, hated that about her... because it made me feel bad that I couldn't fix her somehow...
I'm BPD and Bipolar and her depressed mood used to infuriate me when I was a teen.
So I'd snip at her and yell at her and make her cry...
Then she'd make me so angry I'd cry...

We learned to ignore most of what the other says...
I mean we can talk and listen and be caring but there are still things she says... nit picky things...
Like she hates my clothes... and why don't I wear makeup... and what am I doing with my hair?...
That make me want to punch her in the face...
But I don't... and that's important... I write it off and wait for her to shut up...
I've also learned to stop telling her things that will make her cry...

I'm the only one who really changed...
And you will probably have to be the only one too...
It's just a thing...

They mean well... they just suck....
Is how I look at this.

In response to both of you, you must remember that your parents are just two of 6 billion people on this Earth. Why should their opinions matter anymore? Okay, in the ideal scenario, you would listen to and respect them, but when thigns go 'awry' as they have here, then you must remember that now you are both living your own lives; and ther are no doubt countless other people around you who admire you. I read somewhere that for every pesron on Earth, there is at least one other who really admires them and sees them as a role model. This mightn't be true in every case, but it seems as if you have both become independent people from yuor difficult upbringings. I know that this is true for SmileXx, because I have known her here for a long time.

springtime, you should even look at the username you have chosen here. 'Spring' is about new birth/life, isn't it? That is what you must do now - i.e. be 'reborn'. Your new life awaits you. By coming here and by arranging to go to the counsellor, yuo're already showing that you're sick of the past, and want to embrace the future.

Kevin

Chucky wrote: I read somewhere that for every pesron on Earth, there is at least one other who really admires them and sees them as a role model. This mightn't be true in every case, but it seems as if you have both become independent people from yuor difficult upbringings. I know that this is true for SmileXx, because I have known her here for a long time.

Well ain't you sweet?
I wonder if anyone I know admires me...

You're also correct on rejecting their opinions.
I've had to shove my mom's opinions aside most of the time.
It's not even hard to do anymore.

SmileXx wrote:They mean well... they just suck....

This made me smile, guess its because it sums up the way I think about my parents these days.

I'm working on trying to live according to that serenity prayer. The one that goes something like "God, please give me the strength to deal with the things I can't change eg. other people, namely toxic parents and abusive ex, huge beauracracies and natural disasters. Please give me the courage to change the things I can change (mostly myself)....... and the wisdom to know the difference

Good luck with your parents Springtime, but mostly with yourself, counselling is a great.

2forward1back wrote:

SmileXx wrote:They mean well... they just suck....

This made me smile, guess its because it sums up the way I think about my parents these days.

I have to keep this in mind with my mom...
She means well...
But she makes me nervous.
With everything.
I'm just overly worried about disappointing her, I guess...

I know she'll love me no matter how badly I mess up.

You must first separate from them emotionally, if that doesn't work do it physically. YOUR health comes First, its time for YOU to live.

I am a 66 year-old retired man, and have suffered for nearly all of my adult life because of toxic parents. They are both dead, but nevertheless their legacy lingers on and my father in particular has cast a very long shadow over my life. I still suffer from low self-esteem and anxiety, even though I was reasonably successful in my career, and possess sufficient confidence to (usually) express my opinions if need be. I was not physically or sexually abused as a child and teenager, but I was constantly corrected for just about everything I said and did. Nothing I did seemed to please my father, I received very little in the way of praise for achievements, and by the time I left school my thinking was that there was little point in trying to achieve anything. But I was never a 'problem child', never got into any serious trouble, respected people including my teachers, and was reasonably level-headed. Incidentally, my father took me out of school as he thought I was 'wasting my teachers' time', and that my place would be better filled by a boy who wanted to be a success. He actually told me this to my face, and it has stayed with me for the rest of my life. How can a parent be so cruel and heartless? My mother was altogether a kinder person, but she was unable to stand up to my father, even on the occasions I went to her for help. In recent years I have come round to thinking that had my parents been deliberately abusive then I think I could have managed that; but because they appeared to seriously think that they were acting in my best interests I find that more and more incredible as I get older. In fairness, my father could be kind when he wanted to be, but it was the lack of support from him that I found most hurtful - and still do. Even after I married and left home their attitude continued - always questioning me, always correcting me and telling me that what I said or did was wrong. I felt unable to confront them, as always in my mind was the feeling that I didn't want to upset my mother, but on one glorious occasion about 10 years before my father died I simply snapped and told him how I felt about him. He was shocked into silence, but after that his attitude towards me did change for the better, and I began to sense that my outburst had shocked him into at least having some respect for me. But the very act of telling him my feelings about him has made me feel guilty ever since, which I think must be a hangover from my childhood treatment. After my father died, rather to my surprise my mother discussed matters with me - not in any great detail, but enough to make me realise that she understood what my father was. I told her that I wished we'd had this conversation years before, but I realised it was something she was unable to do while he was still alive.

I am aware that my father's early life was not easy, and that he had to assume adult responsibilities at an early age, but it often seemed to me that he was channelling his own frustrations and hang-ups through me. If only he had been able to sit down with me and just [i]talk[i]. But he couldn't, and I've had to live with the results ever since. I have had counselling more than once over the years, but without lasting positive results. I have been married for 42 years to a woman whose childhood was the total opposite to mine, and I will be eternally grateful for her understanding and support. However, we didn't have children of our own, for the simple reason that I was afraid I might treat them as I was treated. As I said, my parents have cast a very long shadow over my life, and I would very much like to hear from other people whose lives are similar to mine.

Rupert Bear