How to deal with my (toxic?) parents.

Rupert, what a wonderful post.

well, here is my story:
I am 37 years old, moved to America with my parents when I was 16. everything seems to be great, I worked, finished college, got few jobs in those years, my parents bought a house.
I am still single, but I have been looking and dating. About 4 years ago I met a very pretty girl that was educated and she was from my country. the only "problem" was that she was here very short time and she had a low pay job cleaning houses. I told my mother on the phone that I was on the date and told her the same thing about her. the hell broke out: how can be with someone with job like that?!?! this girl is not for you!!.... she even tricked my father to yell at me because she was about to get a heart attack as he screamed on the phone and told me to break up with that girl.... and I did.
Since then, I have been on many dates, and I dated about 5 girls but never worked out. I have never introduced any of them to my parents, kept them a secret. I am not sure if I was afraid to get yelled again, or maybe I wasn't sure of those girls, or tried to protect them.
About a year ago I met this girl who lives very far from me. We became very close friends and after a while I started to think more seriously about her. unfortunately, we have a big problem of living so far from each other, it's about 500 miles. anyway, I decided to tell my mother that we are friends. the hell broke out again... you see, she is divorced with two kids. this is even worse than the girl from 4 years ago that they chased away from me.
the fighting on the phone with my mom continues now for about 2 months. she also likes to use crying, showing me her high blood pressure to make me feel bad that I caused it, she says things like: if you don't listen to me your grandma will die or your father will have a stroke. I feel bad for the new girl that she is "involved" because I didn't keep a secret from her about my fighting. at the same time I am just trying to make a point that everyone deserves a chance and I don't want to make the same mistake and regret it later. I have been feeling about myself after I gave up the girl from 4 years ago. even if it doesn't work out with this girl, I want to make a decision myself and my parents wont let me do it! my father is involved too since yesterday. we had a very sharp argument and he yelled that I don't do anything for them and I am supposed to come to their house every Saturday and cut grass and help around the house!
here is little background: I live about 50 miles from my parents, I am the only child, my younger brother passed away few days after birth. I was born premature. my mother was a teacher and my father was in the army. my mother is a type of woman who hates dust and dirty dishes in the sink, does laundry almost every day, her holiday dinner table is picture perfect. she thinks the girl for me has to be single, no kids, educated, with a good job because otherwise I will not make it. since I remember she used to compare me to my friends from class or my cousins: look at him, be like him... on the other hand my father is very strong character without showing his feelings. previous time we had a fight, it was about my parents cell phone bill. it came over $100 higher and he yelled at her for too much talking. I took her side and told him to shut up, and that I can pay the bill. he wasn't talking for the rest of the weekend. he is the person who may be nice but what I noticed is strange to me: when he walks with my mother and I am there too, he often walks faster so soon my mother is over 100 feet behind him, he can buy flowers but his gifts are almost every time money in the envelope. he is also a workaholic, he works over 50 hours a week. he cares about work so much that he wouldn't even take few hours off from work to drive my mother to the airport or the doctor's office.
I graduated high school and college. I worked during that time too, lived with parents, cut their grass, took care of leaves and snow, I helped to finish basement, payed for some college, car and insurance. I visited them every Holiday like Christmas, I remembered their birthdays and father/mother days. Even did that so much that one of my previous girlfriends called me mama's boy...
for some reason I always had a guilt in my head that I would do something wrong and fear of making a decision. right now it has been 2 months of fighting with my mother and one day with my father. I am not sure how to start to trust people again because my mother succeeded again by planting doubts in my head about my current girl. I told my mother few days ago to leave me alone and not contact me. she tried 3 times but then she turned to my father. he threaten me that he will show up this Saturday if I don't go to them and help out. I am not sure what is planning to do but I sad NO, I am not going.
there is more to the story but I don't want to write too much. I may add later if questions show up. if anyone has an idea what to do, let me know. thank you!

Hi-

I just read your story, daxter76. I'm very sorry to hear this.

I'm now 39 and have been dealing with a somewhat similar situation with my parents that has been going on (well obviously for most of my life) for a couple of years now since a major argument. My mother likes to play the victim and fears losing control. My step-father is a strong type-A control freak and has been/is emotionally and verbally abusive. Together they are this storm of dysfunction. Their mood dictates how any family function will go. I am the oldest of 4 (1 sister and 2 half-brothers) and the other 3 have closer relationships with them.

My parents have had issues with women I've dated. This rift as it currently stands is a result of an argument I had with my stepfather because I finally (after 30+ years) got the guts to stand up to him and tell him I was tired of the way he treats people. But of course I'm wrong. After letters, emails, phone conversations, and meeting with therapists, my mother blames my wife for A) starting this, B) not making me apologize to them earlier, and C) destroying the family.

Aside from browsing this forum, I've gotten help from therapists visits, talking to friends and a few books: "Toxic Parents", "Adult Children: Secrets of Dysfunctional Families", and "The Adult Childs Guide to What's Normal".

Here's a few things I've learned:

1) Don't beat yourself up over the fact that it's taken 20, 40, 60 years to stand up for yourself. You'll grieve for the loss of the childhood you could have had.
2) Fix things on your own time. Don't be rushed into mending things to make your toxic parent happy.
3) Stick to your own truth. Don't fall victim to the toxic parent responses of "it wasn't that bad", "you're too sensitive", or "grow up". You know how you feel and why.
4) It is a good feeling to become aware of this issue and why you hurt for so long. Lot's of things will fall into place - "oh, so that's why I always felt this way."

And one thing that I've realized only recently —

You taken years to come to the realization that how you were raised was wrong and that your feelings matter and that you have a right to live your life how you want on your terms, only the people you want most to understand this — your parents — probably never will because they are twisted and broken themselves. If they could easily see your truth they would have never treated you the way they did.

-

They sound like control freaks. And the not-good-enough thing seems like they have some kind of by-proxy issue where they're trying to live through you. And since hindsight is always 20-20, instead of making the best out of situations, they show how different choices would have been better instead.

If you're their only child, can see how they woulda had grand plans and hopes about their lives and your's, and since plans are never realized 100% they're beating themselves up over it on some level. And to try to achieve that perfection they continue to do what they've always done. And since children always take everything parents say to heart, their disapproval negatively effects you creating more flaws they then criticize in a self-perpetuating cycle. Flaws get their negativity, but their negativity creates more flaws, and on n on.

My counsel is to deny them the right to come visit you unless and until they learn to control their impulses to say hurtful negative things. "If you can't say anythign nice, don't say anything at all." Until they learn that, they don't get to see you any more. Just because our parents are our parents, doesn't mean they'll always be perfect, and we'll always been subordinate and less than they - children can totally teach their parents things. And it sounds like the time has come to teach your's how to make the best out of things without criticizing unchangeable events and choices, and until they do they're in the doghouse.