Why Obsession?

Last year I began a relationship in which I became obsessed with the other person. During this affair I was extremely insecure, irrational, and hyper-emotional. At the time I had very little experience, and worried that I would feel this intense with anyone I had a relationship with. I started to seek out distractions and lovers, but this did not curb my obsession for this other person and I did not become as attached.

This relationship ended several months ago in a very ugly manner. My feelings are still very intense and my pain very debilitating. I fear that I will never stop feeling obsessed or mortified by my behavior. Part of me wants him so bad, and another part of me wishes he never existed.

Has anyone else gone through a similar experience and returned to normalcy? Why do we become obsessed over certain people and not others? There is nothing all that special about this person. In fact, he was really insensitive and egotistical. Not my type, and had he been anyone else I would have ran away. Yet the moment I first saw him, I wanted him more than anything in my life. I've never been this mad about anyone - ever. Why?

HI mata_hari,

I think obsession started because of over expectation in your relationship.cause you said that you need from him more than ever you wanted. May be he can't fulfill your wanted desires and you are feeling insecure and stressed, so on. You need to understand him, if you are wanting your type man, then why are you looking in him? just live with him as a friend.

can you tell me in specific what type of obsession you are feeling right now?

Okay, I apologize in advance if I'm confusing you with someone else. But with 20,000 members here, it's hard to keep track of everyone. But, aren't you married?? If so, it might help if you added that part in. Looking at Ravine's response, I think he's under the impression that you're single. I think being married really does change your question; and the answers you'll get.

Ravine - Sorry, but your post is difficult to understand. I'm not sure if this is due to a language barrier. And no, friendship would not work. I am talking about something far beyond rational thought. Part of me still wants and loves this person, while another part of me wants him to suffer horribly.

I am married. I recently confessed the affair to my husband because I was becoming increasingly more depressed. The relationship with this other man is over, will never be a friendship or anything else. I just want him to dissipate and never have existed. I've never been this way with anyone else, and there's no reason why I should feel this way now. Yet I do.

Maybe it was essentially the spontaneity and the angst from the affair. He might have been the biggest asshole, void of any sensitivity but the fact was that it was an affair. It was something strangely different, foreign and this may have influenced the emotive attachment to this person. Do you think it might be the object rather than the person itself that's making you feel this way?

OK, I knew I was thinking about the right person. BTW, I really don't care if you're married or not, so don't think I'm trying to pass judgment on you. Just trying to find out why you're so obsessed with this one guy.

So you cheated on your husband with this guy. Then you tried seeking other "lovers" to help get over this one guy. Correct?

mata_hari wrote:In fact, he was really insensitive and egotistical. Not my type

What's this guy like in bed? Again, if my memory serves me correct, you want it rough. Correct? Was this guy rough? Was he rougher than your husband? Rougher than the other guys you tried getting with to forget about him? Out of everyone you slept with, was he the only one who dominated you (if he did in fact dominate you)?

mata_hari wrote:Last year I began a relationship in which I became obsessed with the other person. During this affair I was extremely insecure, irrational, and hyper-emotional. At the time I had very little experience, and worried that I would feel this intense with anyone I had a relationship with. I started to seek out distractions and lovers, but this did not curb my obsession for this other person and I did not become as attached.

This relationship ended several months ago in a very ugly manner. My feelings are still very intense and my pain very debilitating. I fear that I will never stop feeling obsessed or mortified by my behavior. Part of me wants him so bad, and another part of me wishes he never existed.

Has anyone else gone through a similar experience and returned to normalcy? Why do we become obsessed over certain people and not others? There is nothing all that special about this person. In fact, he was really insensitive and egotistical. Not my type, and had he been anyone else I would have ran away. Yet the moment I first saw him, I wanted him more than anything in my life. I've never been this mad about anyone - ever. Why?

mata_hari, I know what you're talking about. I have suffered a similar experience - different in some ways, but with a similar feeling of obsession and attachment, pain and behavior that I am certainly not proud of. I feel for you.
I can tell you that also in my case the man was very insensitive and egotistical. And this might be the key, paradoxically. I'm quite sure he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and have since learned a lot about the disorder, the pain such manipulation and lack of empathy, objectification of another, that can be caused. The less he is willing to see how you feel, the tighter you contract around the obsession. and are led to feel ashamed of yourself for losing your balance.
It's taken me a long time to accept that what I was suffering was, in fact, some type of obsession, and to find strategies to gradually loosen its grip.
Accepting my own humanity and the strong desire to reinvest in healthy relationships have been key in moving on.
I'm sure they will be for you, too.

Was this affair also around the time that you said that you'd lost all sexual interest in your husband? I think I recall you saying that you still loved your husband, that he was a good man, that you got along very well together in all respects, but that you no longer found him desirable sexually? I remember several people trying to offer you possible explanations for your loss of interest. Did that occur before the affair began?IF so, there's one clue...
Or, if it occurred after the affair began, I guess it's rather obvious why you might no longer find your husband sexually interesting.

Jay Dubb wrote:Just a thought: why don't you try to find a new hobby or interest to shift focus from your heavy desires and feelings?

Sometimes, sublimation isn't the best answer.

Incorrigible wrote:

Jay Dubb wrote:Just a thought: why don't you try to find a new hobby or interest to shift focus from your heavy desires and feelings?

Sometimes, sublimation isn't the best answer.

It could be a temporary one but then again, I'm not a psychologist.

Understanding and and slowly eliminating the desire is the right answer rather than diversion of it, yeah?