Why Obsession?

mindful wrote:

mata_hari wrote:Last year I began a relationship in which I became obsessed with the other person. During this affair I was extremely insecure, irrational, and hyper-emotional. At the time I had very little experience, and worried that I would feel this intense with anyone I had a relationship with. I started to seek out distractions and lovers, but this did not curb my obsession for this other person and I did not become as attached.

This relationship ended several months ago in a very ugly manner. My feelings are still very intense and my pain very debilitating. I fear that I will never stop feeling obsessed or mortified by my behavior. Part of me wants him so bad, and another part of me wishes he never existed.

Has anyone else gone through a similar experience and returned to normalcy? Why do we become obsessed over certain people and not others? There is nothing all that special about this person. In fact, he was really insensitive and egotistical. Not my type, and had he been anyone else I would have ran away. Yet the moment I first saw him, I wanted him more than anything in my life. I've never been this mad about anyone - ever. Why?

mata_hari, I know what you're talking about. I have suffered a similar experience - different in some ways, but with a similar feeling of obsession and attachment, pain and behavior that I am certainly not proud of. I feel for you.
I can tell you that also in my case the man was very insensitive and egotistical. And this might be the key, paradoxically. I'm quite sure he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and have since learned a lot about the disorder, the pain such manipulation and lack of empathy, objectification of another, that can be caused. The less he is willing to see how you feel, the tighter you contract around the obsession. and are led to feel ashamed of yourself for losing your balance.
It's taken me a long time to accept that what I was suffering was, in fact, some type of obsession, and to find strategies to gradually loosen its grip.
Accepting my own humanity and the strong desire to reinvest in healthy relationships have been key in moving on.
I'm sure they will be for you, too.

Thanks Mindful, this was the most helpful. I appreciate the response from others, but there seems to be a general lack of understanding or assumptions being made that I find frustrating. (The notion that I do not currently work/volunteer/have a hobby and that such things would be helpful for one.)

Not all advice can be fully impartial, helpful, understanding and of absolute value but okay.

coeus wrote:Understanding and and slowly eliminating the desire is the right answer rather than diversion of it, yeah?

Not every desire needs to be diverted or eliminated. Take for instance:

Habibti#34 wrote:I TELL YOU WHAT TO DO....
and you pay me.
I will step on you, sit on you, slap you, eat my hot dinner off of you! I jump on top of you and f**k the $#%^ out of you! There's more....

I would like to come over and you have food waiting for me to eat off of you. You will light my cig, hold it for me while I sit on you. you will e*t me on command!
I might want to take you out with me and help me shop..you will hold my bags and pay for my things. And if I need to try something on, you will help me..get in this dressing room and f**k me! When we get home, you will cook the food and LET me j**k you off while you do it...you can't stop me or I will slap you!
We can role-play other things but I really want to be in charge.

This is a big fantasy of mine to have a "puppy slave". Also I need to someone to help me pay for my school books.

Obviously, this girl might raise some eyebrows. But should her desires be eliminated? Or would it be beneficial, to her, to accept the desires and integrate them into her life in an acceptable way (like she's doing now)? Fighting and/or eliminating certain wishes isn't always the best course of action. Just my opinion, of course. Anyways, dinner's on the stove and I'm expecting company. Gotta go!

Sorry for giving late attention to your post, mata_hari,

Really , i am confused, so i will not be able to reply your posts.

mata_hari wrote:Has anyone else gone through a similar experience and returned to normalcy? Why do we become obsessed over certain people and not others? There is nothing all that special about this person. In fact, he was really insensitive and egotistical. Not my type, and had he been anyone else I would have ran away. Yet the moment I first saw him, I wanted him more than anything in my life. I've never been this mad about anyone - ever. Why?

I think this happens when we are weak or feeling insecure. Think what fears about life you have in general. Is it fear of death, aging, etc.. common human fears? I think we "escape" into feelings of intense romantic love to avoid these deeper fears related to human existence.

Yes, it did happen to me, just similar. It was in recent period.

Yes, you said it yourself. Nothing special about the person. We fall for them because we are in a special mental state at that stage of our life, and not because those objects of love are special people. We "open up" for such experience, and then someone falls into that open gap.

Here is an appropriate quote by Carson McCullers, from the short novel "The Ballad of the Sad Cafe":

"First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons — but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which had lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a new, strange loneliness and it is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world — a world intense and strange, complete in himself. Let it be added here that this lover about whom we speak need not necessarily be a young man saving for a wedding ring — this lover can be man, woman, child, or indeed any human creature on this earth.

Now, the beloved can also be of any description. The most outlandish people can be the stimulus for love. A man may be a doddering great-grandfather and still love only a strange girl he saw in the streets of Cheehaw one afternoon two decades past. The preacher may love a fallen woman. The beloved may be treacherous, greasy-headed, and given to evil habits. Yes, and the lover may see this as clearly as anyone else — but that does not affect the evolution of his love one whit. A most mediocre person can be the object of a love which is wild, extravagant, and beautiful as the poison lilies of the swamp. A good man may be the stimulus for a love both violent and debased, or a jabbering madman may bring about in the soul of someone a tender and simple idyll. Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.

It is for this reason that most of us would rather love than be loved. Almost everyone wants to be the lover. And the curt truth is that, in a deep secret way, the state of being beloved is intolerable to many. The beloved fears and hates the lover, and with the best of reasons. For the lover is forever trying to strip bare his beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if this experience can cause him only pain."
— Carson McCullers

I have really appreciated this citation, two_roads, and have already come back to re-read it a few times. Thankyou.

mindful wrote:

mata_hari wrote:Last year I began a relationship in which I became obsessed with the other person. During this affair I was extremely insecure, irrational, and hyper-emotional. At the time I had very little experience, and worried that I would feel this intense with anyone I had a relationship with. I started to seek out distractions and lovers, but this did not curb my obsession for this other person and I did not become as attached.

This relationship ended several months ago in a very ugly manner. My feelings are still very intense and my pain very debilitating. I fear that I will never stop feeling obsessed or mortified by my behavior. Part of me wants him so bad, and another part of me wishes he never existed.

Has anyone else gone through a similar experience and returned to normalcy? Why do we become obsessed over certain people and not others? There is nothing all that special about this person. In fact, he was really insensitive and egotistical. Not my type, and had he been anyone else I would have ran away. Yet the moment I first saw him, I wanted him more than anything in my life. I've never been this mad about anyone - ever. Why?

mata_hari, I know what you're talking about. I have suffered a similar experience - different in some ways, but with a similar feeling of obsession and attachment, pain and behavior that I am certainly not proud of. I feel for you.
I can tell you that also in my case the man was very insensitive and egotistical. And this might be the key, paradoxically. I'm quite sure he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and have since learned a lot about the disorder, the pain such manipulation and lack of empathy, objectification of another, that can be caused. The less he is willing to see how you feel, the tighter you contract around the obsession. and are led to feel ashamed of yourself for losing your balance.
It's taken me a long time to accept that what I was suffering was, in fact, some type of obsession, and to find strategies to gradually loosen its grip.
Accepting my own humanity and the strong desire to reinvest in healthy relationships have been key in moving on.
I'm sure they will be for you, too.

Ok...So it definitely looks like there is a sort of pattern here. I am also currently suffering from an extremely unhealthy obsession with a Narcissist. He is Very egotistical, and always manages to turn things around on me when he has done wrong and is backed into a corner. We’ve been Off and On for nearly 10 years,…I’ve helped raise his 3 kids (who stay in touch with me more than they do with him),…this was a deeply committed relationship. On MY part anyway. But I completely identify with you both in dealing with the craziness and debilitation that goes with this obsession. I don’t know,.. But I feel like I suffer from Dependent Personality Disorder… but it seems to be only directed towards Him.
Mindful…I’m VERY Interested to know what strategies you’ve learned to help yourself. I am So desperate to feel some relief from this. We broke up again, 3 wks ago, got back together for a week, and now are broke up again. Our Off/On Dance isn’t usually that quick of a turn around, that’s why I believe it’s probably truly over this time. We were together 1-½ years this time before splitting, and were apart for 8 months prior to that. But there have been so many Offs and Ons that I’ve lost track. We usually manage to make it a year or more before splitting up…. But I can’t keep doing this, because the times we are apart are pure hell for me, and there is never one single moment that I am free of thoughts of him, usually followed by anxiety or panic attacks, severe enough that they‘ve caused me to faint.… and it really doesn’t help that we both own our homes and only live one street away from each other, and I run into him on a regular basis. Sorry to ramble on like that… just a little bit of my story to share. Seeking Peace
Peace & Blessings
Jo