Is it Obsessive Relational Progression?

I’ll try to be short, though it’s not EZ.. My story is bad, but please don’t judge me, I need some advise and help. Thanks!
I am married (10 years), and for the past 3 years I also have a lover (he is married too). I know it’s terrible, but I can’t stop seeing him – I feel like it’s beyond my control.. We don’t see each other too often, but usually talk on the phone few times a week. I am afraid I’ve got obsessed with him. Sometimes he disappears and doesn’t call me for two weeks, and in the beginning I feel like “OK, great, I don’t care anymore, it’s over, and I am happy”. But in a few days I start going crazy and the only thing I can think of is him. I try not to call him as long as I can, try to keep myself busy, but finally realize that I am not interested in anything at all and that my mind automatically goes back to thinking about him. Finally it gets to the point that it’s almost physically painful to think about him, I constantly cry, I can’t work, my mind gets “stuck” on the question “why didn’t he call?” (and we all know the answer – people don’t call when they don’t want to). Finally I get terrible headache from my own thoughts about him that I can’t stop, my body starts shaking… and I pick up the phone and call… And he says he was busy or something, and I my heart melts again.. and again we start talking and seeing each other… And it keeps happening over and over and over again.. The worst part is that lately I keep thinking about him all the time, almost 24/7.
I started reading online about Obsessive Relational Progression, and in many ways it reminds me my situation. I don’t constantly call or text, don’t drive around his house or work, but I constantly think about doing it, and sometimes even drive by the place we usually meet to check if he is there with someone else...
How do I stop this?...

Hi,

I have OCD and therefore understand how obsessions work. This is a strange type of obsession though but, basically, you are at its mercy and have no control over it. Tell me though: Would you genuinely wish for this man to just vanish from your life and never bother you again? If so, then you must delete his number and email, and perhaps even change your own email and phone number in order to get a clean 'break' from him. If you can do this - and maintain the break - then it will become easier and easier to live without him in your life.

Kevin

I can delete his numbers from my phone, but not from my memory. Sometimes I find strength not to contact him, but then he will initiate a contact, and when it happens, I pick up the phone.. Or even if I did not pick up, I will call back. I can't change my work number (because I can't change my job now - not in this economy). At this point I can't imagine what will happen to me if he will vanish from my life, I feel like I have no other interests - only him. I understand very well that this is horrible, especially considering that I have a family - husband and daughter. I try to spend more time with them, but my mind is "away". He is like a drug to me - if we talk few times a week and see each other once every week or two, I am fine, I am happy, I can function. If he "disappears" and I don't get a "dose" of him (and I don't mean sex here), my obsession comes out and I feel like I am totally empty, almost dead, I can start crying hysterically, but next day be like "whatever"... and next day cry even harder..

Hi,

Again, i have to say that I undersand the way this is working for you. At the moment, you are lacking in self control and are doing things based on instinct, such as answering the phone when he calls or even feeling guilty afterwards and calling him again. Try to plan ahead to the next time he calls and say to yourself that you are NOT going to answer the call. Instead, you are going to reject it, and then turn your phone off for a while. If he leaves any voice mails, then you have to tell yourself that you won't listen to them but will instead just delete them.

it's all about planning and being in control of the situation (and yourself, more than anything).

Take care,
Kevin

Hi Kevin,

Thanks a lot for your comments. You are absolutely right, I lack self-control. I tried planning ahead a few times, but always failed. As soon as I come up with a plan, the same questions comes to my mind: "OK, and then what?" It's like asking myself "Is there life after life"?
Of course there is life in my "afterlife", but how is it?.. I lived before him, what happened to me??? How? But the result is: I am a way too scared to face a new life without him.

Hi,

So, are you implying that you aren't actually willing to let go of this man? Is he part of your life that much that you can't just say 'goodbye' (without actually saying it to his face)? You have to weigh up how destruictive this whole situation is becoming, my dear. If things continue the way they are, what could potentially happen in the future regarding your own life and that of your husband's?

Kevin

I find it interesting how you hardly mention your husband in all this. How its not about what he feels, but about how you feel, how you would feel.
If you dont mind me asking, how is your relationship with your husband? Does he suspect you might be cheating?

In cheating situations. Most often one of the cheating parties, has experience with cheating. I suspect in this case, it is your lover who is the experienced one.

I always feel sorry for the ones being cheated on. But im not going to go all holier then thou on you. I dont know your situation and im not one to judge.

The background of my situation is complicated. Shortly: 3 and a half years ago we got separated with my husband (he moved to another state, we were planning to get divorsed). My lover (L) knows my husband (well, and me too - we knew each other for many years). When he found out that we got separated, he started calling me asking to see me. I know for a fact that my L is "experienced cheater".
2 years ago my husband moved back (too long to explain, he didn't want to get divorsed and wanted me back). I stopped seeing L, but he continued calling, and in 6 months we started seeing each other again.
My husband doesn't know and doesn't suspect anything. Relatonship with my husband.. hmm.. far from perfect, but OK.

I have never been obsessed with anything or anybody... Until few months ago when I realized that my "relationship" with L is not love, but obsession, drug.. I know I must stop it.
I guess it's time to talk to psychiatrist....?

Hi again,

Thanks for adding this piece of information because it helps in understanding the situation that you're going through. I mean, the relationship with L started off innocently enough, right? I mean, you and your husband were separated for quite some time. While saying this, it's admirable that you have recognised hoe destructive this relationship with L is, and even more admirable that you see it as an 'obsession', and not an actual relationship. With all of this in mind - yeh - I think that you should see a professional, but not a psychiatrist as such. I think that relationship counsellor could help you. Other than that, just go to your local doctor and ask for (hopefully) her advice.

Kevin

I am really glad that I finally admitted to myself that I have a problem. I read a lot over the weekend, and I feel like I know what's wrong with me: it's "love addiction". It may have different "forms", and from what I read so far I am a somewhat "codependant addict". Love addiction is similar to drug addiction and controlled by the same part of the brain.. (I guess that's why I experience physical pain when I can't get my "drug").
Well, at least now I know what I am dealing with.....