NPD OR HPD

Hi,

My girlfriend broke up with me after 6,5 years of an one way relationship where I was her carer and she was my reciever. She was uncapable of feeling any kind of empathy.

Odd enough the problems with her did not came from her exaustion of me taking care of her. The problem came from the fact that sometimes I got tired of giving and giving whithout ever getting any kind of attention or respect from her. So I started to ask her attention too...

Moreover:

For more than once I got her flirting with other guys. I even forgave her some deeper flirts where she almost ended it up to start a relationship with the "object of her flirt" (I still think she did not end it, because the object of her flirt got too scared with her lack of respect to me and her almost stalking beaviors over them).

Unfortunatley, even so, she ended up breaking up with me, after all, to start with another guy. She did it in such an unhuman way I could not beleive it. I was like sending to the garbaje an old pair of shoes.

I was lost, till I've dicovered the NPD simptoms. If it was a checklist I could just say; Checked; Checked....Checked and Checked.

I had no more doubts that I had been in a relationship with a narcisist. And part of it is also my fault. Because somehow I tend to get into this kinds of relationships where I take care of the other (I'm addressing this problem of mine now, just to avoid entering another relationship like this one).

My confusion started when I read about the HPD. I could also check everything. Including her exagerated sense of sensuality/sexuality and her exagerated Infatuation over any little flirt she might had. To her, I guy who would just tell her she was a pretty woman could mean this guy was in love with her and they could be heading for the most romantic and dreamed relationship of all time...

Finally, my question:

Can a person have like a "mixed" personality of HPD and NPD? Because with her, I seems she had not only the somatic side of narcisism (HPD), but the cerebral too (NPD).

Many thanks in advance for your help.

ps: The fact that I'm now understanding the real psichological dimension of mi Ex, is also helping me a lot in getting rid of all the guilt and inadquacy she made me feel, and move on from this person which, at the end of the day, made me so much harm...

Hi,

Your last comment makes a lot of sense (the 'ps' comment), because there is a lot of unknown knowledge out there about psychological disorders. In the absence of this knowledge, people typically form their own opinions about things, which are invariably incorrect opinions. You're doing the right thing in tryin to figure out what was wrong with your ex though.

I'm just wondering though - Do you think you should have ended the relationship long before it actually did end? To me, it sounds like she could pretty much get away with anything and always be able to rely on you for forgiveness. I was in such a relationship, and it wasn't beneficial for both involved.

Anyway, it's definately possible for a person to have symptoms of both NPD and HPD. You have to understand that mental health is a very 'grey' area regarding the diagnosis of disorders. I mean, I'd give you all of my life savings if you could find a person who has been diagnosed with one condition, and who exhibits NO symptoms of any other condition but the one they've been diagnosed with.

Kevin

Hi Chucky,

Thanks for your answer. I understand what you are saying to me. Sometimes we have so much of a need for a "justification" for the fact that sometimes "normal" persons stop loving just because they do. Relations sometimes end because they ended and that's all (i tend to dislike the word normal because it is disrespectful for someone with any psychological disorder. But I'll just use now between comas) .

Answering to your question you are right. I should have ended the relation a lot sooner, but instead I kept having the hope that I could be even more caring and tolerant (co-dependent what?), if I could be "the perfect boyfriend" she would accomplish her promises of change. HPD are such a good liars. Everytime she asked for forgiveness and promised that she loved me more that anything else and that she would change...I "forced" myself to believe. And you know? The funny thing about this kinds of relationships is that they are like a casino. The more money (time) you spend that least available you are to stop playing without recovering at least part of what you spent. But you never do win and you will keep spending and spending...

For me it was not beneficial at all, I guess. Because I can get a better loving woman. I still can be cured.

For her, I think it is indifferent. She is "condemned" to always getting a way of make herself miserable (when rejected) or make another victim miserable (when she gets what she wants).

But believe me, in my heart I always knew there was something wrong with my ex. Actually she is like a copy of her troubled mother, which is unhappily married with the most co-dependent guy I ever met (he is also a denial master).

The problem is that with my Co-dependency and her gaslighting and blame-shifting, most of the times I had any initiative to ask her to be more empathetical, to respect me at least a little more, or even about her flirts, I just ended up more confused and feeling more guilty for being so "asphyxiating and insecure"...

I've already had made the checklist in my mind, so many times, before I encountered the HPS and NPD on the web. I have no doubt that she as HPD with a lot of NPD too. I just wanted to confirm that was possible.

I now see her so predictable...

For example, she called me at 8 pm today. I did not answer the phone, to make the test. I knew that if I did not answer the phone she would see that as a rejection and would start the HPD "stalking procedure". And she did!!!

She continued to call me till 4 am, after sending me a message at my voice mail with a crying voice asking me to answer because "she was worried with me". I ended up answering from exhaustion at 4 am...

We then got to skype to talk (we are 1000 km far away from each other because she decided to go back to her hometown). She connected her camera. She was crying a lot. She said she was sick, she missed me, she said she wanted to "clean her sheet with me" she said she was hating her hometown and that people were bad to her, etc etc.

Me, I just knew right from the start that if she was calling was because something had happened to her self-esteem and she wanted to use me as an ego boost. She would never call me just because she genuinely cares!!! I now know that without any shadow of a doubt.

I must say that she has been ignoring me for the last two weeks (I'm still wating for her to answer my last email ).

So, she has surely been rejected by one of her victims. So she calls me to get her "dose" of self-esteem recovery. like someone said on this forum:

"Sometimes they'll be a short falling out with her and a guy and she'll start talking to her ex again for a week but that's pretty much it for her giving another chance. Then its off to the next victim. "

She hanged up saying that she likes me a lot, that she misses me...and that she will call me at least once a week. I do not care anymore. I know that she will only do that as long as she does not get another victim. And I hope she does get over the rejection process and gets another victim, because the last thing I want or need is her trying to get back to my town or trying to get back to me.

I must say, I told her everything she needed to ear to recover. I even said to her that she can come back whenever she wants. Because now I now know that, as long as she thinks she has this source available she will not feel the need to come and win me back again. She will just think she is "using me" to call me from time to time to rebound from her crisis. I think I can live with that for a wile.

I must explain you though, that the only reason that I still do this is because we have some bank lones which are only in my name, but which belong to both of us. If she refuses to pay...I'm doomed!!! And she also has our dog with her, for whom I intend to have "shared custody".

I would love to tell her what I really think of her right now, but I fear that a rejection like that would get the worst out of her, including stop paying the lones and trying to stop me from seeing my dear dog. It does not bother me anymore because now that I understand the pathology I do not get false hopes anymore. I do not believe in her promises of recovery. I can just move on with my life and detach from this person.

I hope someday I can have the money to pay the 100% of the lones myself, so I can get this person completely out of my life.

ps: meanwile I'm starting a personal improvement course about "Emotional Autonomy", because understanding her pathology also helped me understanding mine. I forbid myself to enter another relationship before I come to terms with my co-dependency issues that drag me to this kinds of persons all the time!!!

Hey again,

Just to clear one thing up: You're female, right? I had originally assumed that you were male. Anyway, I dated a HPD girl before and the way she behaved is pretty much the same as the way your ex behaved. They can be so predictable, like that thing you did by not responding to her phone calls. I think what you simply must do nw is engage a 'no contact on any level' to her. She will put up a good resistance to being ignored by you, but her resolve will fade away eventually when she gets the idea that you are no longer going to be her 'toy'.

Im' glad that you're starting that 'Emotional Autonomy' course. The more we learn in life, the better-equiped we are at dealing with problems it throws at us. From this day forth, your life will only get better.

Kevin

Hi, again.

Actually I'm a male. She was the female (heterosexual relationship). Although I do now there seems to be large incidence of Histrionics among the gay/lesbian comunities...

Thanks for the advice. I'm already trying to adopt the "no contact thing" with her. Of course, because of the loans and the animals we have in common (for us are like kids), I'm afraid there will always be a minimum amount of contact for the next years.

What I am afraid of is that seeing me rebounding so easy from the emotional exhausting and violent breakup she made me go trough, might leave her frustrated. Like "he is not so depressed as I expected"; "maybe he was no so in love with me after all'; "maybe I'm not so special to him after all"; "maybe he hes a lot stronger that I expected (thus a better source than I had him to be)"...

I'm afraid that this "frustration" might "seduce" her disapointed ego to come and try to drain me (love me) again ...

Let's hope that this does not happen and that she starts to see me no longer has her toy and just loses interest in me...

By the way. After her display, yesterday, where she gave me too much info about how miserable she felt and she appeared completely miserable, she must have come to herself...

So, today I've sent her the last set of packages from our ex-home to her hometown. I've sent her a SMS saying just that, and that I hoped she was feeling better. Do you no what was her SMS answer...

"Thanks. I'm better now. Is just I have some days, you know how it is. I'll start searching for homes tomorrow" (she is at her parents house)...

Is so predictable!!! Is like "Ho! Yesterday?! It was no big deal. Just a normal day thing! I'm very good and I'm even starting to search a new home here at my hometown"... Her inflated ego could not allow her make the same mistake of showing me how broken and depressed she was, again...

The good thing is that normally I would get very confused.

Yesterday she wanted to come back, she was broken, she missed me and everything in her life from the last few weeks was black.

Today, it was just "normal things", no big deal, and she is searching for a place in her hometown after all...

Now that I recognize her pathology and her predictability, I just laugh. It's is a curious thing watching them acting, from a safe distance!!!

Many thanks for your kind words and support.

Lones

Hey,

Do you suspect that she's come back strong again any time soon? This type of person typically comes in waves, and they never stick to their word! She may be different though - time will tell. I hope that you'll both be okay on Christmas Day though. What will you be getting up to?; and do you know what she'll be doing?

I wouldn't suggest sending her any 'happy christmas' message, but I'm sure you weren't intending to!

Kevin

Hi,

I think she is spending Christmas with her family...

I do not think she is coming back ever! Is too much for her ego.

It was an awkward situation, spending the xmas without the one with whom I have been spending the last 6 years. I knew she would not tell me nothing, especially after her diplay the other night. So I did the "wrong thing". I send her an happy Christmas message to what she answered in a very short and dry message.

But no problem. I know she has ego problems. I don't. I just did what I thought it would be the right thing to do, after all this years together...

If she kept the "almost indifferent mask" I think it's her problem. I know we will never be together again. But I know,also, that I will recover someday soon and I know that, unfortunately she will keep making herself suffering for ever and ever until she recognizes her pathology, which most probably will be never.

I cried a lot, because I got sad. I got sad because, even knowing about her "problem" it still makes me very sad, that I had been living in a "vanilla sky" all this years...

I really loved her and I really wanted her to be "the one" even with her lack of empathy and everything. All these years I never got the notion that she was "so messed up" as I now know, beyond doubt, she was and is. And that all the efforts and good will I have putted in this relationship were all in vain.

But, no problem. Tomorrow I'll be stronger...

I deserve someone "more normal" in my life. I am sure that the time will come, eventually.

I wish you a very happy xtmas.

regards

Lones

ps: Funny thing. I have been talking today with my stepmother, who I thought had a very good relationship with my ex... And I guess she had. But, either way, without me telling nothing about the HPD symptoms, she just told me that she always fond a little awkward that in every conversation she had with her, my ex always fond a way of converting the conversation in a monologue about herself and her accomplishments. I guess it is just another "checked" on my ex's HPD checklist. Although that did not avoid me crying a lot today...

Yo,

That's very interesting what you wrote about in your 'PS' comment. I guess your stepmother never wanted to say anything previously because you and your ex were still a couple then. My mother has disagreed with two of my exes, and openly expressed her opinion of them to me

I don't think you should have sent a 'merry christmas' message to her, but not to worry. He 'dry' reply is a sign that she is perhaps learning to move on. She must be of a mature age, right? I'm sure that she's coped with break-ups before and knows how to handle them.

Kevin

Hi,

Mi ex is 28 years old (I'm 34). She is VERYYYY CHILDISH AND IMATURE has one would expect from her HPD symptoms.

She coped with previous breakups like one would also expect from her...
...She coped well with the times she broke up herself (getting another substitute boyfriend on the run), and she coped bad with rejection over her, with severe depression and false suicidal attempts (bottle of Xanax all over her throat type)...

...But, besides ours, she never had a relation for more than 6 months...

This time, she got herself involved with another guy, one week after she broke-up, and immediately started Infatuating and getting false expectations about the guy. After that she started to call him also a 6 am and started to scare him.

Them I'm sure he told her "goodbye", so she immediately got involved with another guy, less than one week after this one and I guess the thing did also not go quite as she expected (I'm sure that's one of the reasons she called me all messed up the other day).

Now she is back pretending she is on track, because her ego got hurt after her display when she called me, explaining how bad things were going for her, demolishing two weeks of intense labour pretending to me and to everybody that everityng was as good as it gets for her at her hometown, while I appeared so much in control...

I'm afraid that this pretended state of indifference is coming down again from the moment she gets another job, friend, lover or life disappointment...

She lives from the "movies" she makes in her head about herself. I'm not a psychiatrist, but I suspect that at this moment she is on a very uncontrolled state of HPD. Shes going without brakes at 300 mph on a city street.

I still miss her a lot and I still love her! Is that possible?

By now I should know that these people are uncampable of feeling more that "objectual love", and that most probably she will never recognize her symptoms, therefore she will never be cured.

Even so, sometimes I have some moments when I "daydream" about a day where she would come to me, recognizing her symptoms, taking measures to try and cure/control herself and being ready to be a caring and loving girlfriend for me?!!

Please, feel free to tel me why do you think I shouldn't have called her and why do you think that, even with her pathology (if we take for granted she has HPD)she will manage to get by this break-up and get her life on track for good, be happy, etc...

It's just that I do not know if I'm reading the situation on a realistic way, and I wanna learn more from your experience.

Do not worry. I'm a Co-dependent so I'm good at taking critics over my conceptions.

PS. I'm sorry. I just talk about me and her. I gess I'm having the Christmas low. You can tell me a little about your story too...

Hey,

The reason why I wouldn't have sent her a 'happy christmas' message is that it just prolongs the breaking-up procedure. Like, the best way to cope with a break-up (I believe) is through a cesation of all contact. The moment either party picks up a phone to contact the other, it could go right back to square one. By the way, her going out with another guy one week after a break-up sounds okay compared to one of my exes - She went out with a different guy the VERY INSTANT we broke-up (and I dated her for 9 months). When I say the 'very instant', I'm no #######4. It was like, straight out of my arms and into this other dude's.

It's very possible to still love these people though because they were a big part of our lives. That's how I view love - i.e. it's a measure of how much a person is involved in your life. Obviously, married people have huge involvement in each other's lives.

Anyway, take care dude.

Kevin