First find yourself, then you will find your Soulmate

Hi,

I think that one of the first reason, why so many relationships fail is because people don't know themselves. It is very important to first know yourself, before starting a serious relationship.

If you know who you are and if you know what you want, you will be able to know who fits into your life, and who won't manage to cope with your lifestyle. For that reason you first of all need to know your inner true wishes. Because no matter how much you ignore your true self (maybe because you are too busy with the quarrel of everyday life) your true self will always push you towards your true wishes. Soon or later you will find yourself running after things, you are inwardly longing for.

And if you don't know what your desired lifestyle is, your current relationship will fail, because you and your partner will drift your lives apart. Everybody is torn towards the direction he/she is inwardly longing for in his/her true self...

so, it will heal much pain concerning relationships if you first of all ask yourself WHAT YOU WANT in life, before picking a person for a long term relationship, if you want to be seriously happy.


kind regards and all the best,
Anna Emilie.

I found that having casual sex with loads of different girls set me up to meet someone and settle for them.
Try before you buy.
And really, the old fashioned thing about sewing your wild oats, is totally true.
You will find confidence and sexual expertease.

I know myself quite well, I know what I want, and how I feel. But since I am wised up and won't let gals play mind games with me anymore, they are not interested.

I was young, dumb, and desperate years ago. I let women walk on me, lead me on, break my heart several times, and then they give me a little hope, then crush me again.

I will not allow them to do that to me anymore. I cannot fall in love, or feel love towards someone, unless they express real love towards me. I am like that song "I am a rock", however, I let people at the gate, but won't let them in unless they can show they can be trusted and are genuine. I don't have a heart of stone, but rather have a shield up to protect me from heartache from another person (unless it's the loss of a pet or relative) on the outside of my circle.

Hi dear On_The_Edge,

actually you underlined a very interesting point. I don't know what people think about it, but here is what I understand out of your message.

Even though your words might sound harsh for some people, I don't think that you mean it in a "cold way". What I observe today is that emotions where never discussed so openly and extensively as nowadays, but at the same time they were never so unreal and pretentious as today.

This means that sentences like "I love you", "I'm always there for you", "I will never let you go" etc. remain just in spoken words, but they become real when the meanings of these words are carried out in terms of actions. It is worthier to show your emotions and give the message "I love you" through actions than through words, learned by heart.

Maybe what you describe about yourself, that you are more careful now in relationships is not the fact of having lost faith in love, but its rather having understood that all that glitters is not gold. Instead of diving into insincere love promises you rather prefer to be alerted. Maybe your previous experiences taught you the ability to distinguish better between true and pretended feelings/emotions, which is a very nice capability.

kind regards,
Anna Emilie.

Hi,

I think your idea is paradoxical, because it is exactly through interactions with others that we learn about ourselves. I think what you are referring to is more the matter of learning about your personal goals, and not about your inner-self. That would matter in this regard. To know your goal, and your destination, and where you are heading to, in all aspects of life.

And to know your inner- self ( fully), I am afraid that would be an unrealistic ambition ( it is unachievable, not counting occasional life phases when we feel we know ourselves completely). It is not something we can learn, it is rather something to be acquired constantly every day, through ( inter) actions.

Best,
x

It's also hard to find people who understand. There are a couple of sites out there.

Prosperity said:

It is very important to first know yourself, before starting a serious relationship.

Yep. I really like the subject of your thread.

Vinnie said, in admirable male fashion:

I found that having casual sex with loads of different girls set me up to meet someone and settle for them.
Try before you buy.
And really, the old fashioned thing about sewing your wild oats, is totally true.
You will find confidence and sexual expertease.

And the occasional STD, jealous husband and unwanted pregnancy.

So when men are sluts, it's a good thing. LOL If I said that my wife would do an eye roll with that one!

I'd say by sticking with one female, you have cleaner, safer, more intimate trusting sex, so you have a good place to learn. In fact, I wish I had only ever slept with my wife. As far as male 'expertise' in regards to the mechanics of having sex, I think evolution has equipped males and females with instinctive knowledge of the "how to" of sex. Maybe Italians and Spaniards have some special tricks up their sleeves, but for the most part, we're all pretty much 'versed' in 'doing it' enough to reproduce ourselves for a million years. Besides, just because a man has slept with 100 women doesn't mean he has learned anything. At least that's what my wife would say, lol.

Vinnie's right that if you don't know yourself, and you 'see' yourself across a number of relationships, through the eyes of a number of different people, you have information available to learn about yourself, if you're receptive to learning, or taking criticism from the women in your life. I have had a few major relationships in my life that were, for me, worth taking seriously. After all, they know me, so they can get my strengths and weaknesses. Thing is, they've got to be more than casually encountered women, for me, they've got to be people whose opinions merit trust. Most 'casual' sexual encounters don't typically involve very much helpful talk, except maybe "Scratch this" or "Shake that".

I think you know what I mean, Vinnie Glad you found someone you dig.

Recently I have read about a teen girl that is facing couple of years in jail for sending her nude picture to her boyfriend. Then there was that other kid that got 10 years in jail for consensual oral sex. He spent two years in jail and then was released. Imagine spending two of your teen years in adult jail despite the fact that you have not hurt anyone.

There is an ugly puritan/taliban undercurrent here in USA. That is because as a society we have unhealthy relationship with sex.

There is nothing wrong with sex. You should be careful who you sleep with, and sex is not to be taken lightly. However if you are in the relationship than it is OK to have sex. Get tested for STDs, use protection and contraception, but by all means have sex.

And have a lot of sex. Get kinky too. Don't be afraid to ask your partner to lick and suck what needs to be licked and sucked.

Now you cant get jealous because your partner slept with other people before you. I never had a problem with that and I never understood that. Having sex does not make you dirty or bad and it does not make your partner bad in any way.

Now you cant get jealous because your partner slept with other people before you. I never had a problem with that and I never understood that. Having sex does not make you dirty or bad and it does not make your partner bad in any way.

True. But promiscuity in a man or in a woman isn't the type of behavior that belongs on an 'ideal spouse' checklist.

I prefer a discriminating woman who chooses me, rather than choosing the whole football team.

sonovlaurin wrote:True. But promiscuity in a man or in a woman isn't the type of behavior that belongs on an 'ideal spouse' checklist.

I prefer a discriminating woman who chooses me, rather than choosing the whole football team. :)

If a person is STD free, than what is wrong with being involved with someone who at some point in their life made a few misstakes

And how do you define promiscuity? It is stupid to sleep around with reckless abandon. But certainly going out on a few dates before having sex does not a harlot make.