daze of days

I feel as though I'm in a soft cocoony mind hell.

I doubt and worry all day about my boyfriend, if I can still call him that. We still live together, but that seems about all. He's cold and distant towards me. In the beginning (2yrs ago) we had communication and friendship. Now it feels as though he hates me, alot of fighting has gone on.

I've been diagnosed with depression, bi-polar aspects and BPD.... I think the BPD is at the centre of it, causing the other 2 diagnosises.

My bf went out once or twice alone with friends, and while he was a way I just longed for a sms/text message, something that showed I wasn't forgotten. I so feared the abandonment, that he was cheating on me. And we'd have these huge fights, that would escalate.

I've hit him before, much to my shame, I can barely look at that really look at it cause I hate myself for it, and I can't take it back not now. Though I've vowed never again.

And in the darkest moments I would cut myself, for punishment for relief.

I feel a mess.

How do I repair something like this, one day he tells me it's over, the next he tells me there might be hope. Everything in his behaviour causes me to fret.

But we are just dragging on. And it's not helping, but I don't know how to let go.

I worry this in my mind all day. I feel really ill. I feel tremendous pain.

I think my bf also has aspects of BPD, but he seldom admits to mistakes or even says sorry.

I don't have many friends, so with this going on I feel lost and so alone.

I was just about to ask if you had any friends, but you answered at the very end. Hmm, you have to talk about these things with your boyfriend. I get the feeling that you are afraid that talking about them will only make things worse though - but, no, they could very well make things better.

Talking about problems is the only way to get through them. Plus, it creates bonding which makes problem-solving easier when future ones develop. I know that you are feeling depressed but, seriously, you have to talk about these things with him. When you do so, try not to be the one to raise your voice first. Also, if he raises his voice, don't raise yours.

Kevin.

Chucky's right, want2b. You should try to talk with him and ask him to be calm. If it's not meant to be, don't blame yourself. I'm sorry you're feeling so sad. It's good that you know hitting him was wrong and you don't want to do it again.
You are not alone. You've got this place now.

Hi Kevin,

Thank you for your reply!

We have talked in the past, but each day brings new feelings, it's good, it's really bad, it's just ok and the merry go round continues.

We do talk but no conclusion is met, as he ends up telling me a different thing each time. It's on, it's off.

I've considered that it's part of my need for constant reassurance. But it goes further than that, he'll tell me that he is confused, he'll tell me that he's numb to the world and depressed.

And I feel it this morning I got mad at him because he never hugs me, everything seems cold.

Further more he won't talk about things, just won't, he hates too or some such thing.

if you can't or won't communicate it's a closed thing.

I've just recently discovered that I've BPD, I"ve been trying to tell him about it, he's been so kind as to buy me books to read and DBT workbook.

I really wish I could get throught to him, that I want to change how things have become. It seems as though he's forsaken me.

And then i think if he's love is unconditional he wouldn't be withdrawing.

I know I haven't been easy and turning it around now seems as though I won't have the opportunity with him.

On the upside, discovering that I 'suffer' from BPD is a blessing in itself, as I've never understood why I've had the extremes of emotions, and the aloneness and and

I read with relief that with therapy I can CHANGE, to a more balance and happier person.

I hope you can change and therapy helps you. Maybe the two of you could go together. I think people don't want to talk about things like this becouse they might have been hurt in the past or are afraid they'll get hurt if they open up. You can reassure him that you won't hurt him and tell him that you need eachother and you need to comunicate.

First, I must commend you. If you do have BPD, because of the nature of the condition, many do not admit that they may have a problem much less seek therapy in an effort to change positively. I sincerely hope that therapy works well for you and that you can learn to overcome your intense feelings of abandonment and subsequent defensive behaviors that are affecting your happiness and relationships.

You might want to read more about BPD and share this information with your BF so that you both better understand what you're dealing with. I highly recommend reading and sharing Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified: An Essential Guide for Understanding and Living with BPD by Robert O. Friedel, Perry D. Hoffman, Dixianne Penney, and Patricia Woodward; and I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus.

It's great that he's bought you resources, but you need to stress that it is important for him to read this information, too. Once he understands that his self-defensive withdrawal is triggering you worse, you two might be able to reach a more workable solution together.

Hi Jasmin & Plickety cat,

Thanks for your replies.

I have looked at the books(on amazon reviews) previously which you have recommended to me and I ended up getting 'sometimes I act crazy' and 'stop walking on eggshells.....' and also a DBT workbook with practical exercises.

I don't know if he will ever open up. He has been to therapy himself at my prompting (before we started dating, he was a heavy weed smoker) and declared it a waste of time, that how can some one else offer advice and insight into his life.

We've been to therapy together and it was horrible, he freaked out afterwards telling me that he hated me etc.

I don't think he can bare to look at himself or even acknowledge, truly acknowledge that he has his own issues. Vaguely he will say he knows this or that, which he could improve on, but never does.

I need to let go and focus on myself, but actually doing it is so difficult. I fear he's leaving me, FEAR it so badly.

Each day I feel like I'm dying inside a little more.

I work full time so it's difficult to go see a community therapist, and after hours ones are horribly expensive.

Hoping the workbook helps me, I'm going to read everything i can get my hands on.

Do you think acceptance might be the key. Just to accept what's gone on and how he is with me now, and for me to move on?

I'm scared to move on, it feels so horrible, I'm stuck...

You can't make him change. You have to accept what's going on with yourself and with him and the fact that there might be nothing you can do for him. You can offer to be there for him if he needs it and if you feel strong enough, but if he doesn't want to face his own issues, there's nothing you can do. If you think that you need to move on, you should do it. It must be scary to know that you'll be alone, but you'll have your job, you can buy books to help you understand your condition better and you will also have this place. We'll give you all the support we can.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years

We fight often, mostly from my mood swings (running around anxious one day and depressed and in bed all day the next). I have general anxiety which makes me very irritable and snappy. I have depression which leaves me crying for days and makes it hard to do things. They sometimes think I have bp disorder but they stick with MDD and GAD

I lost all my girlfriends slowly but surely. This happened during the same time as my boyfriend and I were developing our relatonship. I dont want to say that he is the reason I lost my friends but I deffently put him infront of all my friends. I often say this during fights! Im good at hitting where it hurts.

So here I am alone and worried about my boyfriend leaving. I feel completely dependent on him and would be lost if he left me.

My question is how do I get him to get therapy>!?! I dont want to go to couples therapy but it has become obvious that I am not the only one with issues. Every time I find a friend that I like he finds something wrong with them

I am not really a people person to begin with but I cant handle him pushing away everyone anymore- Help!

Hi, pinknblackdots! Maybe you can say that you don't want to lose your relationship and you need him to go to counselling with you. Try to catch him in a good mood and be calm when you're talking to him about it.
It could be that he feels threatened by the attention you give your friends. You could reassure him that he still comes first, but you need the two of you to talk wiht someone who can help.