Is there something wrong with me?

Ok I’m a little embarrassed to say this I’m gonna be 34 soon and still a Virgin what makes it worse is
I’m a male Virgin now why did so mention my gender I believe it’s 100x worse to be a male Virgin then a female one. As a guy I’m expected to sleep with as much women but I never have. I hate the fact I’m already in my mid 30s and never dated. I seriously thought my new neighbor across the street from me also the same age was into me just for her to tell me 4 weeks later she was seeing someone. I was devastated because I thought for once in my life here is someone who’s actually showing interest.
I don’t think I’m ugly but I feel like I am I’m also on the bigger side but stand @ 5’11? And weigh around
285? Losing the weight is no problem I just feel like my face isn’t attractive enough. I’m also ashamed of my penis size and I wouldn’t know how to tell the woman I’m with hey sorry but I’m not hung. I do get depressed because I’m a soon to be 34 yr old virgin. I’ve tried dating sites and still get rejected I also can’t drive due to me fear of getting behind the wheel of a car. Do I just give up or keep trying?

Hey man,

I think a lot of guys struggle with this, and it doesn't help any that you may get dual messages such as -

a.) Just be/love yourself as-is, but also...

b.) Don't be yourself, something isn't working, so make changes.

There are lots of ways to change, from how we act, to how we dress, to who we approach, to sure, a bit more being in shape, but the real struggle is with ourselves. I do think one poster we had here from the AsPD forum (different thread), probably wrote the most truthful thing I've read. He wrote (paraphrasing), most of us guys are not particularly good looking (himself included), but the reason he was getting dates while other men weren't is because he tries more often (i.e., he accepted getting rejected more often too). That's easier said than done, but I do believe he was being honest, and that's a change that won't be easy to start, but like anything else, the more practiced, the easier it will become.

Not the most PC thing to write, but something to ponder...

If someone was having no success getting a job, the advise of try more options would seem reasonable.

If someone was having no success selling their ideas, the advise of try other ideas would seem reasonable.

Somehow though we may believe that we aren't have success meeting someone else, we should give up. That can somehow seem like a higher noble cause, but that writer I was thinking of approached it differently. I can tell you from personal experience he is absolutely right about something. For years I'd go months without trying, always focused on my last rejection. Just practicing the habit of saying 'hi' to other women made a difference. It wasn't easy at first, but it became easier with practice. Then one day you wake up and realize you're having conversations with other women you have previously avoided, it's easy, and even if you don't date them, if nothing else you are enjoying the conversation. Win win.

Just one last thought, a lot of women fear rejection too. When someone breaks the ice that can be all the difference right there.

Dunno why it's a perception that it's the males who suffer the most from rejection for dates, but women also have the same problem. It's just that in present society, it's the norm for men to ask women out for dates. The less attractive women (and attractiveness, I hate to say, is very skewed to societal perceptions, aka as the Kim Kardashian effect for women and the George Clooney effect for men) may know that they're not beauty contest candidates but some concentrate on their more positive values, which is stable throughout life and can maintain a family life. But men tend to overlook such women.

Attractiveness as a qualifier for dating is so over-rated.

Rejection, both fear of, and that it does really happen, is a common human struggle. We may also consciously or unconsciously reject others. What can make a difference, though not easy, is by becoming more empathetic of cases were we reject others (e.g., they are not attractive enough, they are not wealthy enough, not famous enough, not outlandish enough, not funny enough, their shoes don't meet our approval, I am being a bit facetious but only sort of...) it can help us too. Empathy can be a win win.

It can be non-intuitive but when we reject others less, they often will reject us less. Someone has to break the ice when two people are avoiding because both fear possible rejection.

realityhere wrote:Dunno why it's a perception that it's the males who suffer the most from rejection for dates, but women also have the same problem. It's just that in present society, it's the norm for men to ask women out for dates. The less attractive women (and attractiveness, I hate to say, is very skewed to societal perceptions, aka as the Kim Kardashian effect for women and the George Clooney effect for men) may know that they're not beauty contest candidates but some concentrate on their more positive values, which is stable throughout life and can maintain a family life. But men tend to overlook such women.

Attractiveness as a qualifier for dating is so over-rated.

I disagree the majority of women won’t get rejected. I’ve seen some overweight unattractive women
with men all because they have a vagina. It’s come to a point that If I or get a tattoo or randomly punch someone women will automatically find me more attractive. The sad truth is a lot of women/girls like and wanna be treated like crap. They don’t want the nice guy I know because I thought my neighbor liked me but nope I’m one of those nice guys women hate.

Hey man,

I think a lot of males in culture are struggling with the same questions, and feelings that they've been duped. As always, people feel what they feel, and when so many feel the same, odds are there is something to it.

A question/thought though -

If we guys stand back a bit, something to consider is that just as you are observing women who are pursuing an image of the 'alpha-male', so are many men pursuing an image of the 'alpha-female'. Instead of tattoos, it's make-up and how they dress. Instead of violent behavior, it's self-interested behavior (both are 'tough', I do what I want, I get what I want!). Instead of women pursuing men who treat them poorly, it's men pursuing women who treat them poorly.

So the tough question is, and I think what realityhere was getting at, is are you over-looking women how value what you value, or are you pursuing women based on shallow values that are really no more or less shallow than women who purse those 'not nice guys'? I ask because we really can be blind to what we are choosing.

To answer the topic... Yes. Yes there is. If you have to even ask then you already answered your own question.

There's also something wrong with me.

I am aware that I can have my struggles and obstacles. And taking note of this makes me less deluded. Where others would try to spare your feelings I state you have your own problems.

Likewise the people we're with will have something wrong with them. Sparing feelings and kissing boo boos won't change the situation. Taking note of what is working or not and how to change that changes the situation.

Some things we can change, some things we're stuck in our ways about because we got good reasons. To which I ask "Are you loved for your flaws"? Some flaws have to be changed. Like things that lead to depression. Others are important to our very identity. People can however assume one is the other when it is not. And that means something is very wrong with many many people. For too many don't even try to think of such things.

Now are you to be avoided for such things? To me that depends largely and how someone "thinks". If someone shows they're using their head they're worth my time and effort. Can be a chore. Not an excuse to not make an effort in the interest of avoiding depression and settling concerns.

Hey Taramafor,

I mean this in the best way I can, but I don't think any conclusion can be reached so easily, and I am going to use an extreme example as a point.

At one point in time, in Germany, the way to get group approval was to go with the flow, which meant hating the Jewish people. You'd have been in the minority to say no, some did, but many went along with the group trend.

I cannot tell from what is popular what is right, or what to do. It could also be social trends have gone off the rails.

p.s. there are many other examples of following the group trend of the moment in retrospect was the problem.

xdude wrote:Hey Taramafor,

I mean this in the best way I can, but I don't think any conclusion can be reached so easily, and I am going to use an extreme example as a point.

At one point in time, in Germany, the way to get group approval was to go with the flow, which meant hating the Jewish people. You'd have been in the minority to say no, some did, but many went along with the group trend.

I cannot tell from what is popular what is right, or what to do. It could also be social trends have gone off the rails.

It doesn't matter what the "majority opinion" is (beyond sheep being sheep. Too many people go along with majority opinions). Be it right or wrong. What matters is what you think about it yourself.

As for "right/wrong", Everyone has "reasons". Known or not (often it can be unknown actually). That doesn't mean I'd be happy if someone lashed out at me though. It also means it wold be time for a hell of a talk if someone did something I didn't like or approve of. If someone "Thinks they're in the right" then it's up to you to prove them "wrong" somehow. Which is of course easier said then done. Keep in mind "Not liking it" or "Not approving" isn't a right/wrong situation. That is actually your opinion of the situation. Not a fact. It can be easy to confuse the two.

As for racism, I have no stomach for discrimination myself. However, I also know people can fear the worst easily. Fear and hate exists wherever I want it too or not (in other words I can't see it as "wrong". It exists and it's there. I hate it but it's there and people have emotions). "groups of other people" tend to be one of those things. Be it of race or way of life (black people or furries for example). This comes to a case of "irrational fear". Or/and judgement. People often see the worst easily. Which in turn can lead to anger. Is it "right"? Well, if we're talking purely about facts where what people "see" is true then I would say "Seeing only the worst doesn't make it always true". If however we're talking about opinions then everyone has one. As for wherever an opinion is right or wrong that depends sourly on the facts. What people consider "wrong" can be right. And what people consider "right" can be wrong. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Add "time and place" and "subjectivity". No simple answer really. But there can be a simple way to make someone think about being seen that way. Every group of people might be different but it all boils down to "Being different and thought differently of because of that".

Getting someone to see the "good side" of what they fear can be difficult. But not impossible. Some people want to act like their perception is the only one though. At times like that... I crush that perception into dust and point out how someone is seen that way themselves. Regardless of how I personally feel about the person in question. I'm just as likely to do it to someone I care about then someone I don't (that said if someone is extremely judgemental I tend to avoid them). Harsh, yes. But effective. If you discuss a situation where they consider "being seen like a freak" it tends to get them to reconsider things right quick. Which in turn can lead to other topics. "If you became like that group would we still be together" for example.

Now glance at all of the above. Is it "right" to have baggage? A lot of people would say "I don't want anything to do with that". That tends to cause more drama though. I say "I care enough to be aware of your problems and help if I can if I care about you". If nothing else your unresolved issues can circle back on me. But if you talk to the person on my left they might say "Everyone should be magically independent". To which I would ask "Do you care enough to be there yourself?"

Often people use right/wrong as an excuse to avoid a situation they don't want to deal with. That's why I try to avoid the logic of right/wrong and instead focus on "Why". Or "why not". Even if you don't agree with the reasons they are still nonetheless reasons.