I got together with my ex's brother...

This is long... please be patient.

My ex and I broke up in August. My ex's brother is my roommate's best friend.

One night in November, after a full night of drinking, the brother was not able to drive home and he stayed over. He came into my room when the roommate was asleep and we ended up sleeping together.

We talked about it and agreed that it wasn't a great idea to see each other. Then, over a series of emails, decided to try anyway. (?! What is wrong with me?!?!) WE decided to keep it a secret from everyone.

The sick thing is that we are both in our late 30s...

The brother and I saw each other for a month or so, then I decided it was a really bad idea (again). I didn't think it was worth it to hurt my ex. So I started dating other people.

The brother couldn't stand that. He told me he had strong feelings for me. So we started seeing each other again. Time passed... and I started developing pretty deep feelings for him.

The awfulness happened last weekend when I told my ex, when I was drunk, that I was seeing his brother. He was so upset... he yelled at me for a while, then went home. He has since sent me numerous mean, scary emails about how screwed up and evil I am, and how I have ruined a great friendship and his relationship with his brother. He told our group of friends, and said that I am no longer a part of this group. He says his family never liked me.

To be honest, his emails terrify me. He said I was extremely manipulative and psychotic. I realize he was angry but his wording felt like punches in my stomach. He was very scary and I wonder if what he says is true.

Needless to say, I am not seeing the brother any more. I told him to say whatever it took to reestablish his relationship with his brother. So what he did was to tell his brother that he found me repulsive, and that I look terrible. All of this I have gotten via email from the ex.

I have gotten 2 - 3 emails a day from him. When I started blocking my email, he sent me letters.

I can't stand myself. I wonder what it is about me that would think this was okay. I am realizing that I am really am self absorbed when it comes to men. I always have been. I'm wondering if it's because I was molested when I was young. I mean, I'm generally an empathetic, caring person. But when it comes to getting attention from men, I realize now that I care about nothing else.

I am horrible! Even now, while I feel sick and can't sleep because my ex is in such turmoil, I don't feel that bad about how I fell for his brother. I feel bad that the ex feels bad but I don't consider dating his brother that big of a deal.

I went online today looking to see how other people think about dating an ex's sibling and the general rule is that it is one of the worst things you can do.

What is wrong with me?! Why am I so disconnected from that sentiment?

Okay, I am going to go against popular belief.

The only reason that it is not good to date a sibling of an ex is that it can get complicated IF one of the two "ex"s has feelings for each other. For instance in your case, your ex obviously does not want you in his life. By dating his brother, he will see you time and time again. Or you could redevelop feelings for yor ex and REALLY complicate all relationships.

But that is the only reason. And truthfully, it is really a selfish one on the part of the ex. What is wrong with you seeing someone to whom you are attracted? This is what this question really is about.

Dating a sibling of an ex is not incest. It breaks no moral laws and is not illegal.

I know of more than one family where the sibling dated a girl or a guy and his brother (or sister) ended up happily marrying that person.

You are not screwed up. You are normal. However, obviously dating this man's brother will complicate your life. Do you want that?

I thought I was alone feeling like this was not a huge deal. Thank you.

I think my ex still wants me in his life (as a friend). but he feels like I have ruined that by being with his brother. I would love to know exactly how my being with his brother hurts him.

I am of the school of thought where people don't own each other and everyone is free to love whomever they love.

His brother wants to maintain a good relationship with my ex so there's nothing I can do anyway. I miss him and can't tell anyone that because I am already the paraiah of our group.

I think you are being really hard on yourself. Your current relationships with men are almost certainly linked to abuse in your past (I know because it's the same for me). It would probably benefit you (well, both of us) to get some counselling about this, no matter how long ago in your past it was.

It's weird how I feel horrible about some things (i.e. rebuffing people's advances - I really hate telling people I'm not interested in them), but I had no trouble kissing my boyfriend's best friend behind his back. When I was forced to confess all to my boyfriend, I cried a whole bunch of tears that I didn't really feel and got away with it.

While I know I can be manipulative and that it's not the right way to go about relationships, I don't actually feel bad about it. It's probably a little more complicated than just subconsciously thinking that men get whatever they deserve, but I'm sure that has to come into it somewhere.

I hope your ex has stopped with the letters and emails now. This is not an acceptable reaction from him, don't kid yourself that you "deserve" everything he's putting you through at the moment. If he is still sending letters, talk to the brother and tell him he is seriously scaring you and you will go to the police if it carries on. And don't throw anything away (no matter what kind of nasty crap he writes) until you know for certain he's stopped.

I honestly just got into a situation like this days ago, except my ex would be you and I'm your ex. My ex just slept with some guy, and I took it really, really hard and didn't eat and sleep for days. I'm feeling pretty good now, and let me say stuff from his point of view. Everyone likes to be liked. i realize the reason i was so ######6 upset by her sleeping with this guy was that i just missed knowing she cared for me, you know? We weren't dating when she did, yet I took it as a HUGE personal attack, like a punch to the face, like she deliberately was trying to ######6 kill me. But it was selfish of me to get mad. We weren't dating, and you, like, are probably trying to move on. My ex girlfriend sounds a lot like you in the respect you describe yourself. I can understand how hes mad, feels probably betrayed, just all around hurt. But you weren't dating him when this happened, and he needs to chill out. While sleeping with some one, drunk or not, I'd say never works out well when used for attention, and is such an immediate gratification, don't beat yourself up over it. It's hard to know you hurt him, but what does he expect? You're not going to wait around. The brother thing is a new mix, and I'm not sure how that would make me feel, so I can speak for that. But he's probably just wanting for himself, not considered why you did it. I know I was just feeling rejected, like she picked him over me. But you're not dating, and he is out of line going that extreme. Forget him and consider if you like, more importantly if what you're into is good for you. Learn from it, there's nothing more you can do. That might make your ex ever more mad, because he wants you to regret it, you can tell from the letters. Just don't let him bug you that much. Luckily my ex and I are very honest so she told me I had no right to me mad and that I was being ridiculous, and while I think him bing hurt is totally understandable, he's probably just sad it's someone else. it's nice thinking someone can't get over you. Maybe this doesn't help at all, and it's so long. I type like I'm having a conversation, I'm sorry I'm so bad at keeping it straight forward. Bottom line though, make the decision your happy with, or more importantly, that's goof for you. Don't beat yourself up or take what he says to seriously, it's really not his business if you think about it. Just learn from it and I wish you the best. I feel bad this is so long...