I like him but what can I do?

Here is my situation.

I've been friends with a guy I met for over a year. We became friends. But over time I found that my feelings for him have grown beyond mere friendship.

When we first met he asked me to the movies. I figured he was interested in seeing me but after awhile things developed on a friendship basis. However, he would occasionally do or say things that would make me think he is interested in being more than friends.

One time while I was coughing he patted my back and then slid his hand down to my lower back. He kept his hand there for a few seconds; the touch was almost intimate. But maybe I'm just seeing something that isn't there? Another time while I was expressing my frustraton of being a virgin he offered to "help me out" with my first time and was serious. At the time I said I'd think about it and he said he's always up for it. So that tells me he wouldn't mind having sex, but what I want to know is if he's interested in a relationship.

It's a bizarre situation. We both suffer from social phobia and it has had a dramatic effect on our lives. Apparently he's had problems meeting women because of it and it's a big issue for him. He's been "seeing" a lady since before we met, but isn't very fond of her. Evidently since he's had problems meeting women he chooses to stay with her for the physical comfort and fear of being alone--for which he believes she is doing the same. Whenever we talk about it he says without the sex there wouldn't be much of a relationship.

I need advice. I really like this guy; should I tell him? Maybe actions speak louder than words; should I hint in other ways? Also I don't know how he feels about me. As I said before he would occasionally say things that would make me believe he wants more than a friendship but other times it seems he's happy being merely friends with me. I remember he once mentioned he would like to be with someone who also had social phobia to some degree and at the time it felt like another one of those 'hints' but then i would doubt myself later.

Also, I don't believe I've given enough indication that I am interested in him... so I suppose it's possible he doesn't want to bring it up because he doesn't want to be rejected or embarassed? There was one time I playfully suggested what he would think about the two of us going on a date, since I don't have much experience and have always liked him anyway. His response was that he highly values our friendship and wouldn't want anything to interfere with that but also that maybe we could sometime but at the moment he was conflicted about it. I was also conflicted at the time so his response worked well for me. However, it's been awhile since that conversation took place and my feelings have grown; I'm wondering if I should bring it up again.

Any thoughts? I could really use some advice as I am not used to dealing with this sort of thing in my life. When I look at him I can even picture him as the type of person I would like to be with longterm. And I happen to know he'd like to have emotional closeness with someone as well. I want him... what can I do?

Maybe I just have my head in the clouds...

But it would be nice if anyone an offer an opinion??

Hi Jade,

If you really like this guy, and if you are very attracted to him physically, then you should tell him. You should also ask him how he really feels about you.

It doesn't sound like he is very happy in this other relationship. Maybe he's looking for something more fulfilling, and just needs you to show him the right direction? Some guys need to be shown the way, you know?

With these feelings you have, would you feel comfortable staying friends with him if he told you he'd started something new with someone he really felt a lot for?

The sappy old songs have truth in them, you know: don't hesitate - love won't wait...

Hi juswundrin, thanks for responding.

I think I will tell him and see how he responds. I don't want to risk the friendship if it so happens he doesn't feel the same.

As for your question, I'll be honest and say I'd be disappointed if he already found someone else. But yes, I'd really like to stay friends with him.

I just hope I am not letting myself become wrapped up in emotion and be blind by things I should see. I've considered this for a long time and even tried to look at it objectively. That's why I'd like to hear other opinions about this before I actually do anything.

Wow, difficult situation.

But since you talked about it, and he said he was conflicted, maybe you could just ask him if he was still conflicted about it? That might open up a discussion, but if he gets uncomfortable and says yes, you know to back off and not risk your friendship. It's the best thing I can think of, sorry.

Usually I'd say, just let him know, but in this case, that might put too much pressure on him to respond. I know in the past I've had guys tell me they were in love with me, and then expect me to respond likewise. When I couldn't offer more than friendship, I lost the relationship. If staying "just friends" is worth more to you than losing the relationship, yes, I would walk carefully. Good friends are precious, and if he doesn't respond, at least you know more about what qualities you want in a man.

Wildflower, thanks for responding!

Yes, that's the thing; I don't want him to feel as if I am expecting him to respond likewise if he doesn't feel the same. Your suggestion to open up the discussion by bringing up if was still conflicted sounds doable. I also considered writing an email or bringing it up via online chat... but I don't know since it's much less personable to do it online. That was how I brought up the subject last time, perhaps talking in person will be different?

I don't know, I'm confused...

I'd do it in person this time, easier to read his body language and stop in time if he's getting tense.

Do let me know how he reacts! I'll keep my fingers crossed it's the way you want him to. Unless I'm being nosy, of course.

i cant overlook that he is already involved with someone, as a freind i would probably afford the freedom from the presure that goes with attempting to persuade him untill hes in the clear, hes gotta do that by his own choice first imo in order for you to have a shot at anything happy and healthy

Yeah, I forgot about the relationship. Duh. What ever happens, I wouldn't actually do anything until that got resolved. Good point Mezi.

Jade, do you have a therapist? Because I think you need a professional opinion on this one, plus it would help you with your feelings either way. Relationships are complicated enough, this one is really a doozy. Probably getting yourself unconflicted is the only solution. That's true of any relationship, anyway.

I've never really understood his relationship with the woman he's seeing. He constantly stresses that he's looking for something else and the only reason they are 'together' is so that neither one of them will be alone in the meantime. Sort of like a friends with benefits scenereo.

Still, I am having second thoughts of bringing this up. Not second thoughts about my own feelings but whether or not to reveal them in that way. (sigh)

He's obviously looking for another relationship since he blatantly drools over other women whenever we're out. He does it playfully and it doesn't necessarily bother me but little things like that make me wonder if he's interested in me or has just grown comfortable with us being friends and only friends.

But other times he would do things that would make me think otherwise. As if I am different and he would want something more. It's really confusing. Am I misinterpreting something for what it's not?

Either way, I would still like to know. So I guess I should bring it up somehow. Even if it turns out he only wants to be friends, at least I would know and wouldn't have to keep trying to read into things.

No I don't have a therapist although I have been meaning to try counselling for my social phobia. Perhaps I would be able to bring it up there.