24 y-o never been kissed, terrified of rejection how to stop

Hi everyone,I posted this on the self esteem forum but I'll try my luck here maybe it's more appropriate (?) I really hope some of you will read this and contribute, comment, advise..anything..
This is the first time I've actually decided to write about things I don't even like to admit to myself.

PLEASE read this to the end

I am a 24 year old girl and have never been kissed, let alone have a boyfriend. I know why, I am so afraid of rejection...be it at the begining, i.e me showing interest and having the other person not reciprocate or going out on a date with someone only to have them realize I am not interesting/boring/not funny or whatever..
So to avoid this, I simply do not even try and do not even allow anyone to come near me. I have thus built such a thick wall so as to never have to deal with this. All my friends think am this tough person with high self esteem and that I'm just very picky..they dont actually know I've never kissed a boy, although they know I don't have a boyfriend...they just sometimes tease me about being too picky and too high standards..
and i'd rather they think that than know that in reality I am terrified.
It is to the extent that sometimes when I daydream about a cute guy showing interest, I always stop the fantasy when the initial superficial conversation of what do u do/where did u go to school ends...I never even fantasize about a guy actually going out with me...and if I dream of kissing a guy, it's always in the context that I'm already dating him for a while so it's like I've assured myself he must like me since it's been a long time (note that I'm talking about a fictional guy!)

I know it comes from low self esteem...but what I can't put my finger on...is that I also don't think I'm such a horrible failure...I dont know its so hard to explain..
For example, I know many guys find me beautiful...Many people think am pretty..( sometimes I even believe it)...guys do look at me . And although that makes me feel good after the fact...like after they leave or I leave...on the spot, it makes me soooo uncomfortable that I'll resort to avoiding their gaze, or proceed to adopt a not so flattering position...like hunching and adopting a stern look or turning my back to them... to immediatly send a message that I'm so not interested..regardless of whether thats the case.
I also dont like to dress up or make the best of my appearence...ill make the effort to look nice...but not too nice otherwise that sends the message that I actually do care for men to notice me...as if that's a bad thing..but i just dont want to deal with the looks.
If I'm standing in the coffeeshop line and a cute is beside me, I'll put on the most serious look and never even look in his direction because I assume they have a big ego and would probably reject me or laugh off the fact that I showed interest...even just a smile would be too much for me...WHY??! i cant help mysefl!!
if I talk to someone I like I'm not myself, it's like I try to show him how intelligent or smart I am..and get into topics that they clearly think are way off...or not stuff that they really care to discuss at that point..
while whenever I'm with pple I have no interest in...I'm my comfortable self again...if someone shows interest..then it's game over...I become a bit cold towards them.
Its been like this for so long that I cant even picture how on earth to break the pattern and be able to go for it.
I hate myself for being like this... but am really convinced the process of getting to know someone is too hard because they'll eventually figure me out..and realize they don't like me..
and its like I dont even want to entertain that possibilty...so I just continue like this..
I'm educated and very well-travelled...and I keep travelling because I feel that gives me an excuse (mind u i do love travelling though)... that im not w anyone because well...im always somwhere different in the world...so how could i? right...I also use that to convince myself...
but now am home again for at least a year...and i feel like I want to break this pattern...but how? and what if the person can tell i've never been kissed and realize im a horrble kisser ..i know it sounds all so silly..but its really putting a drain on me... i am not the cold person my friends think i am..they think im this feminist with too much on my plate to give a dang about guys although some f them do bring it up with me and I get defensive and explain that I'll get a boyfriend when I find someone decent, that i dont want to settle, and that am too busy anyways (They dont know ive never kissed a guys though)...that am too picky... when inside i am a hopeless romantic who really wants to find someone with whom to share my life, my travels, and take care of each other.....
I try to convince myself that he'll come some day..and I will just know..that there will be a connection...but is that even possible

If you've read all of it...I thank you for ur time, and please post any thoughts...even if u dont think they'd be helpful... I am sorry if some think it's ridiculous and ishould get over it..

thanks again

First, you have to ask yourself if you really and truly do want to have a relationship. You have to want it if you're going to step outside your comfort zone.

I think getting at the root of your problem is a good place to begin. You probably need some short-term counseling for this, but start looking at your past to find the key to how this fear of intimacy and abandonment began. What was your childhood like? What has your relationship with your parents--especially your father--taught you about love and trust?

Then, take a look at your behaviors. Start doing something different, just a little bit. Dress nice and wear a little makeup--not enough to be obvious but just enough to show that you take care of yourself and your appearance. Work on your body language (there are lots of books on body language), and don't be outright hostile with perfect strangers. Smile, for goodness sakes! Then, try a little flirting with full knowledge in your mind that you won't be accepting a date with him or anything beyond talking a tiny bit, being friendly, and then leaving. If he asks for your number, say that you'd feel more comfortable with his (and then don't call) or just say you are seeing someone else.

There are a lot of little steps you'll need to take along the way... this is a process. You don't have to jump into the deep end right away!

As far as kissing goes, it might be better to do it with someone you don't have a lot of interest in... I know that sounds like a crappy way to "waste" your first kiss, but waiting this long has built it up to be something that is frightening instead of special. There are also books on kissing... and practice will certainly help if you're afraid that you won't be any good at it. You CAN do this... you just need some help and a place to start.

Best of luck, pretender... keep us posted! I can't wait to hear about your progress. You can do it!

Chickadee..first off thanks for making it to the end of my post!..once i posted i realized how long it actually was

and thanks for ur great words of encouragement and reality check..
As to getting to the root of it all..
looking back at my childhood...my parents relationship was never good..my dad wasn't/isn't a good husband at all..he was very controlling...he always treated my mother like she was beneath him....that she is what she is thanks to him...he "gave" her value...no physical abuse or anything...but he always made it clear he was much better than her...and she believed it also..
Any counselor would probably say that is where my fear comes from, a fear of being controlled.... and that is the logical way to view it..
but i dont feel it is even that! it never crosses my mind when I reject a guy that it's because I fear being controlled....I reject guys so they don't reject me...I'm not scared of being controlled or endng up like my mother....so could this be subconscious? I was never abandoned by my father....he is quite present (not in a controlling way...but he's always supported my mother and I) so could it be that I view his actions towards my mother as rejection?..
that would be so interesting because I really do not feel it on a conscious level..
thanks for the eye opener!

Bah, you'll be fine. If you get comments about being pretty and beautiful it shouldn't be too difficult once you get a hold of the core problem.

I'm the same way at 25... I sort of tend not to hold much hope for these sort of things, but maybe that's why they don't happen. Chicken vs. egg...

I hate hearing this. I can sympathize in a way, although in some ways I cannot. If a girl is even marginally attractive, all she really needs to do is show significant interest and the guy should pick up the rest from there. Just show some obvious interest--the HARD PART is initiating something physical, and being a female you shouldn't have to worry as much about that.

Pretender - tell me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that you are not trying to find out how to get a guy (it's clear enough that you know what to do), it's the fear of rejection.

Could you be giving the experience of rejection too much weight? What would happen if you were rejected? It seems like that is the terrifying part - being afraid of what rejection would do to you.

It is terrific that you were able to bring this up here - because of the anonymity I have been able to bring up a lot of my 'stuff' that is hard to admit, even to myself.

I'm 50 and have had the problem you describe all my life, and thought about it quite a bit....um, obsessed....about it. Certainly tried to understand and address it. My problem is that I was always too ashamed to talk about it. Eventually I did talk to a therapist, and she tried to give me all sorts of affirmations about my looks, personality, etc.....but I didn't need affirmations. I felt okay about myself. It was the anticipation of rejection that froze me.

Eventually I did manage to kinda sorta 'date'. I've been rejected, and I have done the rejecting. (Rejecting someone else feels just as bad as being rejected - I can so empathize, I 'feel his pain').

I did get married, but I think the guy just wasn't paying attention to how he really felt about me. After 4 1/2 years of marriage (and a baby, who is now 20), he came to the conclusion that he never loved me in the first place. I was devastated, and that pretty much confirmed my fears. I haven't had a real relationship since, except for one that lasted 3 months, and one platonic.

I think my fear originated in 6th grade....when I realized that I felt 'something' for a male buddy. We'd sit near each other in class and goof around a bit. I told my girlfriends how I felt, and it got back to him. Next day he turned around and said "you're ugly and I hate you". As I got older, I realized that it was typical pre-pubescent behavior, but I don't think my insides ever got the message.

I do think it's worth talking to a counselor about. There will never be a way to guarantee that you won't be rejected. In fact, the odds are you probably will be, sometime. Lot's of wonderful people experience it and get over it. You can be one of them too.

Kissing is fun, (and sex even better!). I made it all about romance, got real attached...and rejection was painful. Maybe you can somehow 'desensitize' yourself by 'practicing' on strangers in far away places...where you know it's not going any where. Sometimes if you start out by acting 'as if' you feel a certain way, eventually it becomes the way you actually feel.

Good luck! I REALLY want to hear that you've overcome this.

I feel I can relate somewhat to your situation. I've never thought of it as a fear of rejection but perhaps that is what it is.

I can talk endlessly with people not my own age. But put me around anyone that (was I normal) I could potentially develop a friendship or relationship with and I completely clam up. It’s worse with anyone I find attractive of the opposite sex. I'm so terrified of not doing/saying the right thing or letting anyone learn the wrong thing about me that I become rude and cold to people. I've never thought of myself that way but I've learned from family and a few others that I come off that way.

I must appear at first glance relatively normal and somewhat attractive because people seem honestly surprised when they find out I'm not involved in a relationship. I’ve never had a serious one but I don’t let anyone find that out.

I have kissed and had sex though. I worried endlessly about someone finding out I was so inexperienced at my age the first time. To my surprise I was quite good at it! All it takes is caring a little about the enjoyment of your partner. You can safely stop worrying about that aspect of things. If you want to be good you’ll do fine.

I hope you find the happiness your after.

Hi there.

I want to start off by saying that you are not alone. I felt the exact same way as you, only two years ago. I am 26 now but I still suffer in varying degrees, from the same afflictions that you described in your post. I have been dealing with an extreme case of low esteem and self worth for as long as I can remember. The biggest factor in my lack of relationships and intimacy over the years was that same fear of rejection that you talked about. I was always thinking in my head that these potential boyfriends would find me out and dump me, which in turn kept me from ever really getting to know members of the opposite sex. I started to tell others and myself that I didn’t need love or affection, that I was ok on my own. I believed it for a while too, but deep down I ached for that connection and closeness from another person. Only within the last year did I really breakdown some of my barriers and insecurities and just go for it. I dated for a few months and met a wonderful person with whom I hope to be with for a very long time. The relationship is still fresh and I am finding it hard at times because of my insecurities that still remain. The truth is, that this really is a process and behaviors and thought patterns won’t change over night. I am continually working on changing what I have known for years and has become comfortable but lonely, in order to find happiness. Everyday is a new challenge - I won’t lie, but it’s all worth it at the end of the day. Love conquers all.

Jen

*edited*