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Wife's emotional affair with her first true love

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Wife's emotional affair with her first true love

Postby TheSukiWay » Sun Apr 20, 2014 1:35 pm

How does one begin,

We are both from very conservative backgrounds and we have been married for over 12 years have children.

Only last week I got a call out of the blue from someone claiming to be a wife of a man that had a intense relationship with my wife when they were teenagers for over 5 years, and it only broke up because his family didn't see eye to eye with hers. He got married to someone else quickly as a result of family pressure and left my wife a broken heart.

My wife never told me anything, nor did I ask ,as anything before was not my business.
I always thought she had the most beautiful but saddest eyes I had ever seen.

So I started checking her smartphone and foudn her talking to someone via WhatsApp and Facebook that I didn't recognize. She claimed it was her distant cousin, but I knew differently.

Trouble is, she had an emotional affair before with a colleague, which only stopped when his girlfriend called us and let us know, telling us to follow her overtime...
I offered her the chance to leave or stay and take a lie detector test, which told me she didn't love him nor had sexual contact but did enjoy the "Close friendship".
The reason I forgave her was because I had a short emotional affair myself, which I ended on my own terms, when I thought it was going too far, and to me it was an adrenaline rush. She never knew of my emotional affair.

I also recognized that there was a disconnect in our relationship of which I had to share the blame, and promised to do something about it - but I didn't. My parents and her don't exactly see eye to eye.

Like before her behaviour had become erratic with extensive criticisms what I did or didn't do out of the blue.

This time, I didn't lose my temper,but felt betrayed and decided to dig deeper.
She often made comments which listening or watching romantic items of "You should never give your heart to no one" and "Betrayal" out of the blue, which only make sense now.

This time, I asked to give me truth for the first time in our relationship, and I think she has.

They were teenagers from the same neighbourhood and he was the first and only relationship they had. They were going to marry until their families fell out and pressured him to marry someone else otherwise he would be disowned. He promised her, he would only marry her no matter what, but he didn't and left her broken hearted and in tears.

2 years later she marries me.

She has only told me now what happened (struggling to say it to my eyes) after his wife told me everything, what happened after lying to me constantly.
He requested a friendship via Facebook and told her he was sorry and she was the only true love he had, and never got over it like my wife, and soon all they were planning to meet again after all these years at the secret rendezvous of their teenage years.

Instead of erupting, I felt for her. Thanked her honesty for the first time in our relationship. and offered to help her meet him if that is what she wanted, and I meant it. For the first time in our relationship, I saw her and wanted her to be be just happy. She said otherwise, saying now since both were caught in the emotional affair, he left her again, in shifting the blame to her, when he was the one chasing. She has strong feelings for him but to her he always be a "coward."

Like before I accepted my share of the blame in ignoring our relationship due to the children and the slave wage.

We are closer now, and she accepts I will struggle to trust anyone again. She refuses to leave me and says she loves me, even when I offer to help her meet him again.

Like I said before I see my wife now, with all her flaws and the most beautiful eyes.

She admitted herself in the last few days, that I am different, and asked why didn't you look at me before?

Yet the mind whirls on.

What will she do when tries contacting her again? Will his sweet voice with the eternal footprint always melt away her anger at him? Or can I finally fill the cracks he left behind?

I know from sources he loves her. I accept I came second and made many mistakes, and I told her I want her to be just happy and be honest with where she wants to be, regardless of the children.

Taking each day as it comes and any opinions welcome
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Re: Wife's emotional affair with her first true love

Postby TheSukiWay » Fri Apr 25, 2014 6:45 am

My mother in law has now found out, and told my wife what she accepts now - "If he really loved you, he would have took a stance then and we would have approved for your happiness, and if he really still loved you more than anything else now -then why is he letting the fallout blame land more on you than him when he is supposedly a man now?"

However when did a cruel heart ever stop someone from loving or caring? Yes only time will tell
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Re: Wife's emotional affair with her first true love

Postby hrjpguy1 » Sun Apr 27, 2014 11:59 pm

Maybe open up to her also? (About your affair) You felt closer to her when she told you right?

Had a unhealthy problem getting over my first love. Been with my wife 7 years, and before that I was alone for 4 years. Half my marriage I still had strong dreams about my first love, thought about her going to sleep etc. Allot.. 3/7 days of the week.

I opened up to my wife about it, felt really good for me. I thought she would be mad, instead she really felt close and loved me more. I think she could tell I had secrets or things on my brain and loved to be let inside. It really strengthen us.

Wife asked me if my ex came back for me would I want to split up and do it? I think my first reaction was I would do it, but was thinking I should tell her I wouldn't. But I don't lie to her - it was tough to answer. I think I said I am not sure. I think her asking questions actually helped me get over it.

It really made me think afterward, that I really wouldn't leave my wife.. She is so great loves me for who I am, and like you would would even let me sleep with my ex (hoping it release the tension and help me get over her). I couldn't ask for someone better. My first love left me before - she could do it again and I would be crippled.

Over a time I found more and more flaws with my ex and decided she is not the goddess that I put in my head. Its been a couple years now and I still think about her sometimes, not so often and I don't wish to be with her. Her picture still makes me feel good, but I could actually just be friends with her and would have 0 interest in dating her.

All around I don't deal with regret good. Nightmares over little things that upset me and wish I did differently for years and years later.
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Re: Wife's emotional affair with her first true love

Postby TheSukiWay » Mon Apr 28, 2014 7:10 pm

Thanks for your post.


My offer to take her to her old flame, was with the thinking that I don't anyone around that doesn't want to be. If she wants to go then go and don't come back. I want someone to be with me, not out of duty or fear or second best better than nothing....
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