Porn, internet & jealousy

I came home the other day and found that my gf was reciving a porn film from one of her chat buddies on msn. I became very upset over this because I dont like her getting to involved about sex with other guys. It makes me insecure, and I fear what they might be chatting about when I am not around.

So I looked at their whole conversation and it turns out that he was constantly trying to show of himself. He said he was sitting there wearing a bath-robe and tried to show of his dick , and even further on in the conversations said that he now had cummed all over his belly and needed a shower...

I was furious and asked my gf what the hell this was. She said she never saw his dick, and that she kept telling him that the porn movies she asked for was for viewing with me. And told him off because he was trying to expose himself.

I demanded that she never chatted with this person again and removed him from her contact list, which she did.

..so problem is solved I guess..but I cant help not feeling angry with her. She knows that I did`nt like this guy in the first place, and by asking for porn from him is to me totally disrespectfull I feel. And I told her so.

...our relationship is in a though spot already, and of course this does`nt help. She has asked me to move out, but keeps giving me mixed signals about if she really does want me to.

I love her, but I feel so insecure about what she is doing when I am not around..and I cant keep checking her emails and such..feels completly wrong, and it dosent help my insecurities either. I just get more questions.

Told her about this, and asked if I could come to her when I feel insecure and need to know what she is up to. In response she says that it would be to much to ask of her. She has gotten tired of my jealousy, and feels she constantly is not trusted. And if I confronted her all the time she wouldnt be able to stay in a relationship with me.

I am diagnosed BPD, and I do know that I can be jealous..but there has been so many incidents like the chat I mentioned that makes my fears even stronger. It has taken alot of me to work on my BPD in this relationship, and I am beging to feel that it will never work...but I feel at the same time great love for her.

..I really dont know if I should stay, or if I should go

I am in a similar predicament...it's so easy for me to see it though. Your relationship will always be one of non-trust... the ball's in your court... she can't be trusted. c'mon she's looking!

blondini2004 wrote:I am in a similar predicament...it's so easy for me to see it though. Your relationship will always be one of non-trust... the ball's in your court... she can't be trusted. c'mon she's looking!

Is there really no way of getting trust in this relationship?

We have both had bad experinces with past relationships, wich makes us so much more vunlerable.

...she told me about a website forum she has become a member of yesterday wich is a sexshop site where sex is discussed heavily. I like the fact that she is open-minded, and that she is qurious. We have had a good sex-life, and I do appreciate the fact that its all part of her. But what I dont like is that she has a xxx nick and a sub-text " I let me be seduced"

What is going on with her...Is she "out there" searching..but is unable to end it proberly off with me..or is this just a part of her that quite cant see what this could invite to..or that she feels that her intentions are only to invite to discussions that she doesnt see that this can make me even more insecure and jealous..

..please give me any thoughts on this..I need a third perspective here...

Talk to her, she may need more attention from you..not just sexual. Sounds to me like shes experiencing a quick thrill from someone annonymous... like having a stranger on the street giving her an appreciative look. Makes her feel desirable, and its relatively safe.

lloyd wrote:Talk to her, she may need more attention from you..not just sexual. Sounds to me like shes experiencing a quick thrill from someone annonymous... like having a stranger on the street giving her an appreciative look. Makes her feel desirable, and its relatively safe.

Think you might be dead-on Thoose thoughts have entered my mind to. But the more she does these types of things, the more she pushes me away.

I dont like to feel that I have to prove my love to her. I love to show here affection, and have been called an undying romantic many times.

Its like I said, the more she makes me insecure and angry, the more I feel frustrated and the less love I show. The less love and affection I show, the more she behaves in a manner I dont like. I.e chatting on internett sex forums, and reciving porn.

In addition she is getting really slack at home. I am at work these days, after being unemployed for a long while, and I would love to come home to dinner, or at least not having to make it my self and tidy the house. Cause she sleeps through most of the day, and then sits in front of the pc until I come home...

Sometimes I just want to hurt her, it gets so frustrating . It is easy to forget the good things when I am constantly reminded about these things.

My biggest question though, is still "will we be able to trust eachother sometime". I feel that trust is a very important foundation of any realtionship, and this we do not have for each other currently.

Thank you for your response lloyd

..we got it to a fight the other night. She asked if I wouldnt help her fold some clothes and I snapped...told her that I she would get of her butt it wouldnt be so much to handle if she took a little every day, instead of letting it pass 3-4 weeks before washing any clothes etc.

..told her I was sick of her always expecting me to help her out each time the heaps of clothes, or the mess in a room has become so much one MUST do something about it.

I dont mind helping out, thats not it. I do a lot around the house, the problem is she neglects her responsibilities and then expects me to fix them for her. She has seen a doctor because of her lack of energy, and all the doctor could tell her is that he thinks she is depressed.

...I gave her a mouth full, and refused to help her this time, told her she hereself had made this mess, and for once she can sort it out on her own. Its folding clothes people...! I told her I would fold what was mine amoung the heaps, but her own and her sons she could do.

Didn`t talk to eachother for a few hours, I cleaned the bathrooms and kichen while she sat in front of the computer...went to bed and was dead tired. She came to bed and asked me how I could sleep through anything..that she was hurt about my comments, and that she really needed my help. I was tired and didnt want to start any discussion at that time, and keept dozing of. Then she actually HIT ME ! Right across the jaw.

Wow was I angry! I didnt hit her back, but really had to fight the urge. Instead I sat on top of her demanded that she told me wtf she was doing, and how on earth she could hit me. Never have I been so angry on her....I didnt, and couldnt hit her, but I actually felt an urge to have sex with her. To hold her down hard, and force my way on her. We have done this as role play earlier, but this was real.

What the hell is going on...are we utterly and completly wrong for eachother, since we obviously bring out the worst in eachother? Of course it also the other way on good days. Should we break the hell up, or could this be a road that leads us to better days. And when we mend all the dents have a really strong relationship? Should I be mad at her for hitting me, or should I just acknowledge it as a reminder of the hurting affect my comments can have on her fragile soul. Not to accept the fact that she will ever hit me again, but let this one time be a wake up call?

...damn, I am bewildered

Its been a while since you posted. How's things going for you and her? How long have you two been together?

In my opinion she should not have hit you. If that was you hitting her she wouldnt have taken it.. its not acceptable.

Recently i have discuvered that my bf has been looking up hreaps of pron, chatting on sex furoms, downloading porn movies, and worst of all, having cyber sex weith a web cam. To me, this is cheating. Because he is sharing sexual relations with another person/people.

I dont know what i am meant to do. Because I hate people cheating. At first I broke up with him, confronted him about it and was devestated. I cried harder than i have ever cried in my life. I have even been cheated on before but this was the worst. I have been with him for two and a half years and i love him deeply. So i told him that i wanted to work this out and talk about these things. So we are still together now but i still feel like i shouldnt be with him.. I feel that i cannot trust him and even though he says he wouldnt do it anymore i do not trust him. And I cannot stop thinking about all the things that i had discovered.

I am curious to know how you have dealt with you situation. I guess i need some guidence aswell. I have ask a couple of people and they think that i should leave him, and i know its my dicision, but i really need some help. I just cant stop loving him. But i know it would be right for me to leave him, but I just dont know.

Its nice to hear that someone is kinda in the same position.

She came to bed and asked me how I could sleep through anything..that she was hurt about my comments, and that she really needed my help. I was tired and didnt want to start any discussion at that time, and keept dozing of.

She felt something needed discussing and you ignored here, that's the cardinal sin. You may have been angry that she hit you, but it was just to get you to respond.

I'm reaching here, but perhaps it is the case that you dish it out but don't take it. Perhaps she needs a listening ear and you aren't being that for her.

xioloen wrote:Its been a while since you posted. How's things going for you and her? How long have you two been together?

In my opinion she should not have hit you. If that was you hitting her she wouldnt have taken it.. its not acceptable.

Recently i have discuvered that my bf has been looking up hreaps of pron, chatting on sex furoms, downloading porn movies, and worst of all, having cyber sex weith a web cam. To me, this is cheating. Because he is sharing sexual relations with another person/people.

I dont know what i am meant to do. Because I hate people cheating. At first I broke up with him, confronted him about it and was devestated. I cried harder than i have ever cried in my life. I have even been cheated on before but this was the worst. I have been with him for two and a half years and i love him deeply. So i told him that i wanted to work this out and talk about these things. So we are still together now but i still feel like i shouldnt be with him.. I feel that i cannot trust him and even though he says he wouldnt do it anymore i do not trust him. And I cannot stop thinking about all the things that i had discovered.

I am curious to know how you have dealt with you situation. I guess i need some guidence aswell. I have ask a couple of people and they think that i should leave him, and i know its my dicision, but i really need some help. I just cant stop loving him. But i know it would be right for me to leave him, but I just dont know.

Its nice to hear that someone is kinda in the same position.

....I am having trouble accepting that she was sharing a porn-flick with another man on msn, and that he constantly tried showing himself of to her. I could see by their conversation transcript that she asked him to stop, and made it clear that this was not her motiv for their chat session. She was looking for some adult movie material for her and my use...

If she actually engaged in cyber-sex through web cam I can tell you their would be no doubt in my mind. Even if I wanted to, I could never stay in that relationship.

Dealing with the situation...well, I havent mentioned it to her since I saw it, and I then confronted it with her. I took a transcript of their conv. and went through it word by word. I was so angry I was shacking. Initally when I saw it (an open window she had forgotten to close after I came home from work), I didnt mention it until I felt like I could confront her in a non-aggresive way as possible.

So I feel their is really nothing more to discuss with her, since we went through the whole incident then. But its bugging me, I can tell you that. For the time being I am letting it still be processed, and then see if we need to talk about it again. No use in just letting of steam..

Its hard to let go, but a relationship without trust is equally hard. I guess everyone deserves a second chance, but then one must have moved on from what what the problem was..instead of letting it poison an new beginning of a relationship.

verty wrote:
She felt something needed discussing and you ignored here, that's the cardinal sin. You may have been angry that she hit you, but it was just to get you to respond.

I'm reaching here, but perhaps it is the case that you dish it out but don't take it. Perhaps she needs a listening ear and you aren't being that for her.

..She says exactly what you mention. That she feels like she is not understood, feels that my interest for her is non-existing. And goes to extreme measures for me to respond.

So, good reach.

Now, would you like to tell me how to make her feel heard, loved and cared for? Cause I obviously dont have a clue

..the other day she said she missed attention from me, and that it wouldnt do anything for her if I bought here things. Its not materiall she says.

The morning after I felt like giving her attenition, and went out of my way to buy her a singel rose, and a little gift in which I lay on the staircase for her to find when she awoke that morning. Thought that would be a nice start in the day for her...

Result? She got really angry, and said that I really dont listen to hear, that if I did, I would never buy here gifts the day after she tells me materiall things dont matter to her..

I think I am missing an empathy gen her or something...wtf!