A single person or a battered spirit?

I am Astomatous Masque,

a male 18 year old college student.I made an account mainly to post this.I need to find out if someone can relate.

In truth I am not sure if I am suffering from any mental disorder. I have been depressed but mostly due to events. The root of all has been my tentativeness when it comes to social interaction with people I don't know. A result of being bullied in elementary school.

You could say that compared to others I've had it easy. I have two very best friends and six other people I hang out with. Nevertheless my social life feels like it's hit a wall. One of my best friends I rarely see as he is in the Army. The other six are studying away from town. I study in a small commuter college in a class of 20 people (all female except me and another guy) , who are generally not receptive to forming groups (not just with me, that is the general vibe).

I feel that I have the time to meet new people but I don't have the methods to do so. My buddy is not quite the social butterfly himself, so I never get encouraged to go past my comfort zone. I primarily am tired of never having had a girlfriend. I long for intimacy and a feeling of warmth that friends can't offer. No matter the friend you can't cuddle up outdoors and stargaze.

There was a period in my life two years ago where I was bold. I dared do what I wanted without caring. Wore whatever I wanted, approached people I wanted to meet and most of all I dared to have feelings for a girl. In fact she motivated me to do all the above. Facing her rejection sent me into a downward spiral.

I want to taste that feeling of invulnerability again. Yet I am afraid to do so, because I don't want it stripped away again. I only just feel like I recovered from it. Ironically that feeling is what I need to enter the dating pool since my connections don't make dating viable.

Thanks for reading all of this.

Astomatous Masque wrote:I am Astomatous Masque,

a male 18 year old college student.I made an account mainly to post this.I need to find out if someone can relate.

In truth I am not sure if I am suffering from any mental disorder. I have been depressed but mostly due to events. The root of all has been my tentativeness when it comes to social interaction with people I don't know. A result of being bullied in elementary school.

You could say that compared to others I've had it easy. I have two very best friends and six other people I hang out with. Nevertheless my social life feels like it's hit a wall. One of my best friends I rarely see as he is in the Army. The other six are studying away from town. I study in a small commuter college in a class of 20 people (all female except me and another guy) , who are generally not receptive to forming groups (not just with me, that is the general vibe).

I feel that I have the time to meet new people but I don't have the methods to do so. My buddy is not quite the social butterfly himself, so I never get encouraged to go past my comfort zone. I primarily am tired of never having had a girlfriend. I long for intimacy and a feeling of warmth that friends can't offer. No matter the friend you can't cuddle up outdoors and stargaze.

There was a period in my life two years ago where I was bold. I dared do what I wanted without caring. Wore whatever I wanted, approached people I wanted to meet and most of all I dared to have feelings for a girl. In fact she motivated me to do all the above. Facing her rejection sent me into a downward spiral.

I want to taste that feeling of invulnerability again. Yet I am afraid to do so, because I don't want it stripped away again. I only just feel like I recovered from it. Ironically that feeling is what I need to enter the dating pool since my connections don't make dating viable.

Thanks for reading all of this.

You did have some hard ships. I think what it would take for you is to find your center. It sounds like you did have a foundation, unfortunately, that foundation was shaky and when it went, you fell over.

I think one thing you can is meet someone who is more successful in relationships and learn from him. He may even take you under his wing and give you some valuable pointers. Other things you can do is find some social events that are based around what you are passionate about. At the same time, keep your eyes open, you never know when opportunity presents itself.

Now, as far as women are concerned, you have to know what to look for. I used to be mediocre with women. Not necessarily bad, but I was no stud. The one mistake I did was overlook the ones that are more receptive. Of course, the ones we go for seem more attractive, but a closer look and you will find all kinds of insecurities and they are overly made up. Even if you did go out with them, they are often more drama than they are worth.

The more receptive ones that we often overlook can be and are often more attractive.

Thanks for your reply brokenblade.

To be honest I don't understand what you mean by center. I do have a possible "mentor" but he is currently away on military. I plan on learning stuff from him once he gets back. He is very good at making connections and good first impressions. Truth is he is my second best buddy and when all three of us are together we get a very good vibe going, so all in all things will get better once he returns I believe.

When it comes to finding events that would be a dead end. I tried finding an acting group but no luck. Events for writing and poetry are rare and probably for older people. I recently got a DSLR and I heard photography (which I always wanted to pursue but had no decent camera) is quite good at making connections by itself.

The thing about receptiveness is true. A smile is always better than a frown. I realized that a few months back. I am right on track. I never got the nerve to make moves. It's probably I need more balls or my mentor figure

Dear Astomatous Masque,


Your life right now sounds a lot like mine did after I graduated high school. I had my tight knit group of friends but they also went off in their own direction and I was basically left by myself. I was always a social guy but I never had a girlfriend either. I just didn't believe in myself and I also did not have the knowledge I did today.
In order to change your life toward the way your heart is calling you to, you have to change everything. All of your old beliefs, comforts, and ways of doing things need to change if you want to have a social life and get a girlfriend. I have been working on this for a few years and I am glad to say that it is finally coming together. Hopefully I can help you get there in a much quicker time than it took for me.
First thing, being uncomfortable is something you will have to get used to. In fact, I seek uncomfortable opportunities such as new events, going out, and meeting new people because in that state is when you have the highest opportunities to grow as a person. You will have to, not abandon, but make time for yourself without going out with the people you are comfortable with because this will make it easier for you to meet new people.
Second is to realize that when we are old, we will have nothing left but our memories, and the strongest ones will be with a girl you love. Money, fame, achievements, none of it will matter. Trust me, the years do fly by the older you get, and you don't want to get in a mindset that you have plenty of time and there is no need to rush. Get into the mindset right now that you want to change your life, imagine the end goal, and then you will be on your way to a better life.
Lastly, you can't win if you're playing not to lose. Rejection is going to happen with women, nobody closes 100 percent of the time. What I will tell you though, is you will never get a girlfriend if you don't take a chance. The only measurement of success you should have is if you approached the girl or not. It does not matter what she says to you, doesn't matter if you get her #, doesn't matter if you sleep with her, all that does is if you approached. If you do, then you are a man. Saying what is on your mind versus pre-scripted nonsense will go much better for you. Don't try to take something from her, rather, give her higher value by letting her show her beauty to the world. Not to say women are not beautiful without men, but to achieve their full potential, she needs a man to complement her (This goes for men too).

This isn't going to be an easy journey my friend. It may take you a year or two (especially at your age) to find out who you are and become comfortable in your own skin. Please let me know if you have any questions and good luck!

I think the advice given here is quite effective and provides a positive message for everyone.

Distant Angel wrote:Dear Astomatous Masque,


Your life right now sounds a lot like mine did after I graduated high school. I had my tight knit group of friends but they also went off in their own direction and I was basically left by myself. I was always a social guy but I never had a girlfriend either. I just didn't believe in myself and I also did not have the knowledge I did today.
In order to change your life toward the way your heart is calling you to, you have to change everything. All of your old beliefs, comforts, and ways of doing things need to change if you want to have a social life and get a girlfriend. I have been working on this for a few years and I am glad to say that it is finally coming together. Hopefully I can help you get there in a much quicker time than it took for me.
First thing, being uncomfortable is something you will have to get used to. In fact, I seek uncomfortable opportunities such as new events, going out, and meeting new people because in that state is when you have the highest opportunities to grow as a person. You will have to, not abandon, but make time for yourself without going out with the people you are comfortable with because this will make it easier for you to meet new people.
Second is to realize that when we are old, we will have nothing left but our memories, and the strongest ones will be with a girl you love. Money, fame, achievements, none of it will matter. Trust me, the years do fly by the older you get, and you don't want to get in a mindset that you have plenty of time and there is no need to rush. Get into the mindset right now that you want to change your life, imagine the end goal, and then you will be on your way to a better life.
Lastly, you can't win if you're playing not to lose. Rejection is going to happen with women, nobody closes 100 percent of the time. What I will tell you though, is you will never get a girlfriend if you don't take a chance. The only measurement of success you should have is if you approached the girl or not. It does not matter what she says to you, doesn't matter if you get her #, doesn't matter if you sleep with her, all that does is if you approached. If you do, then you are a man. Saying what is on your mind versus pre-scripted nonsense will go much better for you. Don't try to take something from her, rather, give her higher value by letting her show her beauty to the world. Not to say women are not beautiful without men, but to achieve their full potential, she needs a man to complement her (This goes for men too).

This isn't going to be an easy journey my friend. It may take you a year or two (especially at your age) to find out who you are and become comfortable in your own skin. Please let me know if you have any questions and good luck!

Apologies for the late response as I have been away. Also thank you for taking the time to reply!

On your first point, I do agree pushing one's comfort zone is the way to personal growth but I don't actually know how to go about doing it.

And you are right. When it comes to time, there is not as much time left as we think there will be. That's why I want to fix this.

But....

My playing not to win is behaviour I learnt and it's very hard to fix. I admit I will have to make a few bold moves as I don't think anything will happen via my existing circles. I want to make the steps but I am rationalizing it. I get to thinking people my age seem uptight where I live in. I guess it's all in my head.

Not living in a New York type of city doesn't help. Population isn't that huge and I am afraid of running into my rejectors. That was the story of my life in school. I don't need this now..

I guess there are no tricks not to worry about that huh?

Wow. Distant Angel really has good advice for me too, although I am a girl.

I desperately need a new man but after being so hurt by my ex-fiance I am so scared to love again (Not that I think anyone will ever be interested in me now that I am old and no longer a virgin)

I will also try and follow Distant Angel's advice but it is hard after being so hurt...

I would also suggest looking at the more "real" girls who has the same interests as you do because they are always so flattered that someone just noticed them that even if they say "No. Thank you" you can be CERTAIN that just you asking has made that girl's week. We girls are also insecure and really, just a little bit of interest gives our ego's such a boost (so it will be like charity work for you ) And who knows? Maybe doing your "charity" thing may help you find your soulmate