A sleepover, your thoughts?

Hello all!

I've been reading this section quite frequently lately. It's so incredible to find a place to discuss these issues openly. It's been very helpful to me to read most of the posts and seeing the evolution of comments since the creation of the forums.

In lue of a greeting post, I'm starting right off with a question. To give you the correct background knowledge needed, I'm a young adult male attracted to young boys but I'm not sure what to call myself. On the low end my attractions dip into the pedophile area, but don't go down as far as neophile. On the upper end, I have felt attractions to other young adult men, but only if they retain a look of adolescence. The way I've been able to describe my attraction to myself is that my attraction to them is inversely proportional (Sorry, I'm a mathematician) to how far along they are in puberty. Meaning the farther along someone is in puberty, the less attraction I feel towards them.

There are some very helpful people here, so I thought I'd pose a question to you all that I have been struggling to answer about an upcoming event.

My father and his girlfriend are moving into a house together and need help moving everything back and forth. I really want to help out and spend more time with them. It will take a few days so the plan is for everyone to sleep at the new house over night. The problem arises with the fact that his girlfriend has four kids. This means that for up to three nights I'll be sleeping over at a house with young kids around [Just for reference, I don't have friends let alone 'sleepovers'. This would be the closest thing to a real one that I've ever had in my life.]. Infact, the first night we're all sleeping in the same room since nothing will have been set-up yet.

Here's the part where it might start to get confusing. I don't see myself having a problem with control. It has never been a problem in my adult life. I spend a lot of my time around many kids on a daily basis, and never once have I found myself loosing control. I was born with an annoyingly strong conscience as well as a nearly nonexistent libido, which is what I attribute much of my control to. My problem is not control, it's secrecy. I won't feel comfortable sleeping overnight unless my father's girlfriend and her husband [aka. The kids' parents] are comfortable with me sleeping there, which would mean talking to them about my attractions. However not only could this information jeopardize my father's relationship, but worst case scenario it could be used against the mother in the custody dispute (It's thankfully a 50/50 split right now).

I've already told my father about my attractions (just a few months ago) and while he was shocked, he's been supportive. His take on this issue is that I shouldn't have to tell them as long as I feel that I can control myself. He's looking at it from a 'fairness' perspective. If my brother, also a young adult, was going to sleep over, he wouldn't have to tell them he's strait if they had a daughter that fell into his area of attraction.

I get that line of thinking, but I also don't think he understands that fair isn't a good standard. Is it also unfair that I can't talk openly about my sexuality like he can his? Yes. Does that mean I should just go and do it? I could, but I'd probably get killed.

What are your perspectives on this issue? It's too far to drive back and forth each day, or else I'd do that. Right now I really want to help them out and my plan is to stay at a nearby hotel during the nights. It might be confusing to them, and expensive for me, but I'd at least have peace of mind. [Also the one I've been looking at has a nice pool!]

Hi Archeopendra,

That's a tough situation to be in. First off, I want to commend you on being brave enough to tell your dad about your attractions. Maybe you've had a different kind of upbringing than I have, but I feel like my dad is the last person I would tell my secret to.

If you've never had trouble controlling your desires in the past, as you express, then I don't think you should refrain from going. If you do tell the parents about your attractions, I think there's a fairly high chance you'll be asked not to come. And if after you tell them you are allowed to come anyway, I think it could be a concern, or even a burden for the girlfriend the whole time. However, if you don't tell them, and they later find out about your attractions, I'm sure it'll be even more concerning for them. So, if you decide not to tell them, be absolutely sure not to spend even a moment alone with the kids, because even if you're not a real risk, there will be real grounds for suspicion.

Jacob123 wrote: Maybe you've had a different kind of upbringing than I have, but I feel like my dad is the last person I would tell my secret to.

My upbringing was very boring and sheltered. I actually feel like my mother is the last person on earth I could tell this too. She's a nut job who turns everyone else's lives into a nightmare when I don't pretend to care about her.

Jacob123 wrote:And if after you tell them you are allowed to come anyway, I think it could be a concern, or even a burden for the girlfriend the whole time. However, if you don't tell them, and they later find out about your attractions, I'm sure it'll be even more concerning for them.

These are two big issues for me. I've actually spent time with their family before. We've been to birthday parties and out to dinner with them because (prior to both marital breakdowns) my parents were very close to them. I'm 90% confident that the girlfriend would be accepting of me as well. She's a very open and thoughtful person.

The husband, however, is more of an area of concern. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy who just has some issues himself, but he's not exactly someone that I would trust to keep the information to himself. He's very emotional and can speak without thinking sometimes.


The second point you make is what is keeping me from deciding to stay overnight. I might be drawing the line closer to the 'play it safe' than I should, but over exaggerating protection of others is one of the annoying parts of my conscience.

Hi and welcome!

Archeopendra wrote:exaggerating protection of others is one of the annoying parts of my conscience.

Without meaning to detract from your situation and how you feel about it, I often wonder whether there is a very human temptation to present what is actually a fairly straightforward scenario as a dilemma in order to express something else. I'll speculate that the something else in this case is just a general getting-off-your-chest of pent-up desires.

Anyway, complete speculation aside, I think the best thing you could do is just get on with it. All that is being asked of you is to sleep in a room without raping anyone, which is presumably exactly what you do every night.

GinaSmith wrote:

Archeopendra wrote:exaggerating protection of others is one of the annoying parts of my conscience.

Without meaning to detract from your situation and how you feel about it, I often wonder whether there is a very human temptation to present what is actually a fairly straightforward scenario as a dilemma in order to express something else. I'll speculate that the something else in this case is just a general getting-off-your-chest of pent-up desires.

Wow, I never thought about it that way. I can think of several situations in my life where this makes complete sense. I've had a couple pretty good talks about myself though so I doubt that its the general stuff. I haven't discussed this with my father, but I do find one of the kids attractive. It makes sense that I'd feel more comfortable discussing an exaggerated protection response than talking about liking one of the children that may soon become one of his step-sons. (wow, that was even hard to type out.)

GinaSmith wrote:Anyway, complete speculation aside, I think the best thing you could do is just get on with it. All that is being asked of you is to sleep in a room without raping anyone, which is presumably exactly what you do every night.

How much of other people's feeling should be taken into consideration? I admit that I don't know how they feel or would react, but if they decided that they didn't want me around their children (whether or not it's a logical desicion), wouldn't that be their own choice they are allowed to make because they are the parents? If I believe that, how can I just decide to keep that choice from them?

A pool you say? Sounds great!

(I'll post an actual response when I have more time.)

Archeopendra wrote:I do find one of the kids attractive. It makes sense that I'd feel more comfortable discussing an exaggerated protection response than talking about liking one of the children that may soon become one of his step-sons.

I guess that's another candidate for the 'something else'.

Archeopendra wrote:How much of other people's feeling should be taken into consideration?

I think you should take other people's feelings into consideration, but not get mired in subtle reasoning and speculation. We can reasonably assume there will be a great deal of difference between: a) how they will feel about you sleeping in a room and not raping anyone not knowing that you're attracted to boys; and b) how they might feel about you sleeping in a room and not raping anyone knowing that you're attracted to boys. You won't resolve this conflict by toying with 'what ifs'.

I think you need to look at all the things that may constitute the 'something else' - feelings towards the boys you know you can't act on, feelings towards your sexuality in general, feelings of guilt towards others that may be being channelled into this one, actually very straightforward scenario, etc.

GinaSmith wrote:Without meaning to detract from your situation and how you feel about it, I often wonder whether there is a very human temptation to present what is actually a fairly straightforward scenario as a dilemma in order to express something else. I'll speculate that the something else in this case is just a general getting-off-your-chest of pent-up desires.

Pure gold!

Archeopendra wrote:Hello all!

Hello!

Archeopendra wrote:The way I've been able to describe my attraction to myself is that my attraction to them is inversely proportional (Sorry, I'm a mathematician) to how far along they are in puberty.

I forgive you.

Okay, time to be serious. It's pretty clear that you have your impulses well under control. So I don't believe you pose an actual risk. If only it were so easy to convince others of that. You seem to want to give the parents an opportunity to opt out, but are afraid of the potential fallout if they do. [/summarizing what I've gathered of your position]

Archeopendra wrote: However not only could this information jeopardize my father's relationship, but worst case scenario it could be used against the mother in the custody dispute (It's thankfully a 50/50 split right now).

This seems like a pretty strong argument against bringing it up. Significant risks are involved.

Archeopendra wrote:I've already told my father about my attractions (just a few months ago) and while he was shocked, he's been supportive. His take on this issue is that I shouldn't have to tell them as long as I feel that I can control myself. He's looking at it from a 'fairness' perspective. If my brother, also a young adult, was going to sleep over, he wouldn't have to tell them he's strait if they had a daughter that fell into his area of attraction.

I get that line of thinking, but I also don't think he understands that fair isn't a good standard. Is it also unfair that I can't talk openly about my sexuality like he can his? Yes. Does that mean I should just go and do it? I could, but I'd probably get killed.

Whether or not you would get killed depends entirely on who you talk to about it. That your father's comfortable with this is reassuring. As to the whole fairness argument, well, it's a little different in your case. For one thing acting on them would be quite dangerous. If you weren't in control that would be a major concern. For another some people tend to freak out about this particular issue (sometimes due to personal history.)

Which reinforces the point that you might want to keep this under your hat. So to speak.

The major objection to that idea is if it somehow comes out later they could be concerned that you were being sneaky about it. The main ways that would happen are if there was some kind of incident, which it doesn't sound like there will be (those things always come out sooner or later), or if somebody spreads the word incautiously.

Putting myself in the girlfriends shoes, I'd be worried if I found out you spending unsupervised time with my (hypothetical) kids. If on further investigation I found you to be an upstanding fellow with a strong conscience I'd be much less worried, although I might watch you a little more closely. But that's me- reincarnated as a mother.

How does his girlfriend seem? Is she a reasonable sort? Does she have an arsenal of automatic weapons? If she can understand that you are not a monster she may also understand why you wanted to keep this a secret if you wind up telling her further along.

But that pool does sound pretty awesome.

If your dad already knows about your attractions then I am sure that he has taken that into though if he is allowing you to help them move and be around his gfs children. I mean if you are not going to act upon your desires then you are fine, if you think you will cross that line then don't do it and then help them move but ask your dad for some help with a hotel or whatever. Trust me you don't want to cross the line, life is not fun in prison once you do, it sucks.