sexual sadism- nature vs. nurture

One thing that I think is relevant to know about my husband is that he is illiterate. He can't do math either. His father told him that he was too stupid to learn so not to bother with school. He made him start working doing manual labor under the table on a farm when he was only 13. Now my husband is in his 30's and can't do his multiplication tables past 2. I taught him to be able to read small children's books, but that's as far as I've gotten with him in all these years. I'm proud of him though because he finally agreed to take class at the community college to get his GED. I found him a tutor who works with adults who have never been to school. I think she's great and hope that she can really help him.

That's awesome that you got him started with the tutor. Hopefully, she will work well with him and he will have more confidence to go to class at the community college.

Looks like the wheel be a-turnin'!

--Frayed

I'm glad I helped!

Sintara, I'm really sad to hear that you've had to endure so much. Still, I'm very glad you shared. I'm glad to feel like I know you/your situation better.

As early as our engagement there have been times when I've felt it necessary to deliver clear strong warnings to my (future) wife. Back then our communication styles and conflict resolution styles were even less compatible than they are now. Sometimes she'd give me the silent treatment over little things, (like when I objected to her being critical of my family), even though she knew it bothered me a LOT. After she'd done it a dozen time too many, I finally told her in the car, while she was giving me the silent treatment, something to the effect of, "If you can't talk to me, if you keep not responding to me when you're upset, then our relationship will fail." If memory serves, I'd never delivered that kind of warning before. I'd begged, complained, and gotten angry; I'd told her it bothered me a lot, even hurt me, when she'd refused to speak to me in the past. She rarely responded except when I got really upset, and then only negatively. The last thing I wanted was to use threats, but each time we'd run into this same problem, and I'd think that if something didn't change we'd be doomed to fail as companions for one another. I'd bitten my tongue on many occasions before I finally spoke the threat, and because of it my resolve was fully formed when I stated it as a fact. She thought about it then decided to take me seriously (which then led to tears). The ensuing argument wasn't really as important as the fact that she'd yielded, in my mind. What I mean to say is that I agree with Frayed. Inward resolution is certainly the most important thing when setting boundaries inside of a relationship.

I think you're right, that without real consequences your husband has come to believe that your threats are empty. During my childhood my Mom had used threats to get me to behave or obey. Usually her threats were exaggerated, (i.e., I'll call the police to take you), or she'd threaten to leave me behind someplace to get lost. It caused me a lot of anxiety and pain until one day I began to defy her. I told her firmly when I was about 8, "Don't make empty threats!," and rather than get upset I felt I had control over the situation. After several months of that she came to realize that if she wanted to get through to me there had to be real consequences. This worked out for the better in the end for both of us because 1.) her threats/the consequences for my misbehavior, were better thought-out and more reasonable, 2.) I learned I could trust her to keep her word, and 3.) I felt as though she really cared enough about me to give me structure. (I hold nothing against her of course. Being a young single working mother is hard, and she managed admirably considering all things.)

I imagine it's every woman's dream to be a mother to her grown husband, right? But maybe some of the same principles apply... You may not take away his desert or ground him from talking to other women, but could you inwardly resolve to set boundaries and create consequences for the kind of behavior that's hurt you in the past? As it is now, it sounds like you've suffered to the point that you have great difficulty feeling, or maybe no longer feel, intimately connected to your husband. Do you have any ideas for how you both might start to repair this?

One last story for now...
Once in our second year of marriage when I felt especially neglected and verbally battered by my wife, I did something like what Frayed mentioned. I made a plan. I researched shelters in my area. Most I found are for women and children, but I found one that would take homeless men. I never mentioned it to my wife, but I wrote down their number and address, packed one medium-large back-pack with items that I wasn't afraid of having stolen from me that would last me for about 3-4 days, and I kept that bag and piece of paper ready in case things didn't improve very quickly. I even planned to walk there so that she could use the car if she needed it. In doing this I felt empowered, whereas before I only felt trapped. Thankfully I never needed it since she apologized to my satisfaction, yet I know without a doubt that day or night, sleet or hail, I would have gone, not forever, just for half a week, but long enough to get away, to recover some, and to let her know that something was seriously wrong between us.

On the bright side, it does sound really encouraging that he's started with a tutor! It's kind of a surprise to me that two married people would be at such different levels in their education. You're clearly very literate. Great job with encouraging him!

S3 wrote:I imagine it's every woman's dream to be a mother to her grown husband, right? But maybe some of the same principles apply... You may not take away his desert or ground him from talking to other women, but could you inwardly resolve to set boundaries and create consequences for the kind of behavior that's hurt you in the past? As it is now, it sounds like you've suffered to the point that you have great difficulty feeling, or maybe no longer feel, intimately connected to your husband. Do you have any ideas for how you both might start to repair this?

I agree that I have great difficulty in feeling intimately connected with him. I really wish I knew how I could get those feelings back. I want to repair it, but what if it's too late. Everything feels so awkward these days.

Thank you for sharing all those stories. I find them encouraging. I would pack a bag and go to a shelter for a few days if it weren't for all my pets. I don't think he would take good enough care of them if I were gone. I'd be devastated if anything were to happen to them. I like the idea though. I think it would feel like a relief just to know I could leave and get a break if I needed to.

S3 wrote:On the bright side, it does sound really encouraging that he's started with a tutor! It's kind of a surprise to me that two married people would be at such different levels in their education. You're clearly very literate. Great job with encouraging him!

Thank You Yes, we are quite unmatched in the area of education. When he dropped out he promised me he would get his GED. It just took him 17 years to fulfill that promise. It's quite hard to be with someone who can't read. I love to read. I can't share my books with him, and sometimes I wish he could help me study for my college exams. I get really tired of having to write emails for him and spell things for him all the time. I try to remain patient but sometimes I just get frustrated. I've had to fill out all his job applications for him and make all his appointments and fill all his prescriptions. Then I have to divide up his pills for him so he takes the right amount at the right time. Sometimes I find myself just wishing it was my turn to be taken care of for a while.