sexual sadism- nature vs. nurture

Sinatra wrote:I think there's a chance we could have some kind of sex life again if I could get past this uncomfortableness and try again. I just don't know how.

It sounds like you and he are really close in other ways. If he's the kind who's willing to help around the house, maybe buy you flowers, or tell you he loves you often, I don't see a guy like that refusing to give you some time to satisfy you sexually. Even if he typically shows his love in non-physical ways it sounds like he really loves you. The 5 Love Languages is a good book that talks about the ways we express and experience love. It helped my wife and me to hone our ability to make one another feel loved.. Maybe it'd be worth it to you to find a copy. *shrug*

When was the last time you did feel comfortable? What were the circumstances like?

S3 wrote:When was the last time you did feel comfortable? What were the circumstances like?

Thanks I'll check out that book To be honest the last time I felt really comfortable was right before we got married, so about 13 years ago. On our wedding night he didn't want sex. I was shocked and worried but thought maybe the wedding just exhausted him. But then he never approached the subject for our entire honeymoon. On the last night of our honeymoon I brought it up. I said "You know we're on our honeymoon and we still haven't had sex. Most people can't wait to consummate the marriage. Is something wrong?" His response was "Nothings wrong. Yea I guess we should do that". I didn't know how to take that. Before we got married we didn't live together so I didn't get to see him enough to know how little he wanted sex. Enough time lapsed between our visits that he would want it again. Once we married and lived together his actually sex drive was a shock. I didn't communicate well back then and I took it as rejection. We started fighting about it and it's never been comfortable since. I understand some stuff better now and we talk more now but sex never became a comfortable subject. Too many hurt feelings and resentment over the years I guess.

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:On this topic, though...There HAS to be someplace that your and your husband's sexual needs overlap. I mean, even my Roman Catholic/now agnostic fiance has his wants, even though it would probably be easier to extract his teeth than to get him to admit what he actually likes.

Perhaps, but how DO you get him to tell you what he likes? I think it would be easier to extract mine's teeth too.

Sinatra wrote:Too many hurt feelings and resentment over the years I guess.

It's sad, but it happens so often. I hope you'll be able to work through that in counseling. Over time it builds and becomes toxic if not taken care of. Even small offenses need acknowledgment, apology, and forgiveness, but things such as the sexual intimacy you and your husband have missed over the years are a much heavier burden no doubt.

Perhaps, but how DO you get him to tell you what he likes? I think it would be easier to extract mine's teeth too.
Well, mine is pretty stubborn, but he's also extremely resilient. Honestly, I used to grill him. I would ask him the same question in different ways. He would say that "he likes what I like" and that he wants to make me happy. Well, I told him that this doesn't work when you have two givers in a relationship.

I started to notice that little signs of hesitation are actually his way of saying "GIVE ME!!! I don't know how to ask!" Like, when his back was hurting and he shoveled the driveway for the 6th time, I noticed that it took him a split-second longer to say "No." That's how I know when he really wants something.

It's hard to get him to tell me what he likes about me. He says that he doesn't want to change me. (He really is an awesome guy.) So I ask him about specifics, like makeup and hair. From there, I went to other grooming things, including "landscaping." I let him know that it was important to me to know what he likes. I told him that I would retain my independence, regardless of what he likes. That made him more willing to tell me.

A lot of times, I will ask him which of two items or ideas he likes better, even slightly, almost infinitesimally better. Over time, this paid off and he's actually able to say that he likes something that we do without being prompted.


I'll have to keep a better eye out for how I know what he wants. It's hard to see past my own frustration sometimes. I'll try to come up with something more detailed.

lol I broached the subject of sexual sadism with my girlfriend today and she's willing to let me experiment on her with it. Then again, she's a bit of a doormat.

insincerity wrote:she's a bit of a doormat

Is that something you like about her?

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:A lot of times, I will ask him which of two items or ideas he likes better, even slightly, almost infinitesimally better. Over time, this paid off and he's actually able to say that he likes something that we do without being prompted.

Thanks, that helps, but now what would you do if you weren't into any of the stuff he was?

Thanks, that helps, but now what would you do if you weren't into any of the stuff he was?

I probably wouldn't make a regular thing out of them, but I'd be willing to indulge him once in a blue moon. It's important to him that I enjoy myself. But in a case like this, if I'm not enjoying something, but I know he likes it, I get off on his pleasure. And then he gets off on mine.

My fiance and I are more intimate on days when I'm relaxed and approachable. Lately, it's been the opposite. I've been constantly upset with something despite counting my blessings to the point of being thankful for being able to take a $#%^. When I'm stressed, he focuses on my emotional needs. And since I usually end up making a sounding board of him, his energy goes to "therapy" and not to intimacy.

My grandmother used to tell me a story about 2 women she knew. Both had husbands who worked out of town. One was attractive, but pretty much let herself go after they got married. She kept a spotless house and always had dinner on the table when he would come home. But she was always disheveled in spirit and in body. So, most of the time, the guy would come home, change, and head off to the bar instead. The second woman was a lot less attractive, and spent the day her husband was due home preening herself as opposed to cleaning and getting all worn out. So he'd take her out to dinner.

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this.

Sintara wrote:

insincerity wrote:she's a bit of a doormat

Is that something you like about her?

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:A lot of times, I will ask him which of two items or ideas he likes better, even slightly, almost infinitesimally better. Over time, this paid off and he's actually able to say that he likes something that we do without being prompted.

Thanks, that helps, but now what would you do if you weren't into any of the stuff he was?

Well I do pretty much control her, but that often ends up happening in my relationships. It's subtle, though. I don't really care much about it, can be useful but takes the challenge out of it.

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:But in a case like this, if I'm not enjoying something, but I know he likes it, I get off on his pleasure. And then he gets off on mine.

I used to feel like that. I think I've become too sexually selfish. Maybe because I feel like I give too much in other areas?

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:My fiance and I are more intimate on days when I'm relaxed and approachable. Lately, it's been the opposite. I've been constantly upset with something despite counting my blessings to the point of being thankful for being able to take a $#%^.

I don't know whats going on in your life and I don't want to pry but I'm concerned. You seem very down lately. Can I help?

I used to feel like that. I think I've become too sexually selfish. Maybe because I feel like I give too much in other areas?

Quite possibly. Your needs are likely to find an outlet, no matter how much you neglect them. And even more so if you try to suppress them.

I don't know whats going on in your life and I don't want to pry but I'm concerned. You seem very down lately. Can I help?

Thanks. I'm OK though. Mostly, anyway. Believe it or not, you're actually already helping by asking the questions you do. When I explain what I do to someone else, it becomes more clear in my own mind.

What happened is my mother and grandmother got back from vacation, which put me in a pretty anxious state for a couple of days. Next came the realization that my mother sent a lot of my personal information to a complete stranger in an effort to "help" me.

Right now, I'm mostly dealing with the realization that she's not shuffling a full deck. I thought she improved in the last 5 years, but clearly she hasn't made a whole lot of progress. I mean, she has made some progress, but she's still...I don't know what she is. So I'm kind of questioning to what extent I actually "help" someone myself. Obviously, I don't send off names, dates/times of birth and photos of people I talk to or vent about. I know damn well that I can't help anyone; only people can help themselves. I really don't know anymore if I actually facilitate that to any kind of degree...

You've probably seen my rants, lol:
living-with-mental-illness/topic46874.html
borderline-personality/topic47004.html
(warning: LONG)
I think I have it out of my system now...mostly, anyway. I keep thinking I'm going to take up volunteering a couple of times a month or something. Might be a good way to cope with the fact that I didn't raise my mother right.