On deciding to die

I have had a lot to think through these past few months, since the police came. My initial thoughts were suicide, then I tried to think of an alternative. And there is not one .

Since all my childhood memories now, by legal and social definitions, constitute sexual abuse and rape. And since I looked at porn that reflected those experiences and I am forever to be known as abuser and potential rapist, I do not want to live.

My life was not great. I was desperately lonely since I can remember. Sexual attention from men was all I had. I could not manage making friends or doing a job. I dropped out of school when I was 14 an started doing prostitution.

Now I am just some sad pathetic loser who watched CP. That is my identity. When I am finally charged a picture of my old grotesque face will go in the paper and online with such words as "PERVERT SEX BEAST DEPRAVRD DISGUSTING PAEDOPHILE".

But I never hurt anyone. And I never could. Errant thoughts condem me.

A man hurt me when I was a boy. I hurt no boy.

So this is my last year on earth. Got nothing positive to take with me.

*mod edit*

It is sort of liberating knowing you have 6 months to live.

The big question is how to live those 6 months.

You do not deserve to die. All you did was look at child pornography. A lot of people will say that's bad but it's forgivable.

Only you can decide an identity for yourself that is significant to you. Someone told me to kill myself simply because he assumed (in this case correctly) that I was a pedophile. We can't let swine like that win.

What is so bad with your life? Are you I prison? Are you horrifically socially isolated?

I feel socially isolated but you can change that. Making friends is hard but even without them there are clouds and Reese's Pieces and cats and table tennis and long lie-ins.

Personally I still have a lot to look forward to even though I'm pretty down in the dumps at the moment. There's my graduation. Losing my virginity, seeing all the people I love chatting with, Game of Thrones season 5 and long Friday nights just goofing of on the internet with junk food.

I have never tried Korean food or published a novel.

You're yet to convince me that death is better than your life. Memories can be bad but what matters is the present and future. Work for it and maybe life can get better.

I lost my virginity when I was 11. I never got any qualifications. I got no one who loves me or who I love. I have no hobbies or interests.

I literally have nothing to live for. To live as a hated man. No thanks.

You ever seen Dr Who?

Or had Teriyaki Chicken?

You don't need someone to love you to love life. You can find someone to love you don't give up. And just because you're not a virgin it doesn't magically make sex not good any more.

And 11 you say? Do tell.

There are people here who don't hate you, therefor you aren't totally a hated man. And anyone who hates you isn't worth your time. Who cares about those people? And who cares what you did. As long as you didn't hurt anyone (and I don't think that looking at cp hurts anyone) then you are still a good person. And even people who HAVE hurt people aren't always bad!

And you don't want to kill yourself by drowning. I tried it and not only didn't it work, but I had a terrible cough for 4 months. It is a bad way to go and it doesn't work well, anyway.

Randi wrote:There are people here who don't hate you, therefor you aren't totally a hated man. And anyone who hates you isn't worth your time. Who cares about those people? And who cares what you did. As long as you didn't hurt anyone (and I don't think that looking at cp hurts anyone) then you are still a good person. And even people who HAVE hurt people aren't always bad!

And you don't want to kill yourself by drowning. I tried it and not only didn't it work, but I had a terrible cough for 4 months. It is a bad way to go and it doesn't work well, anyway.

I'm going to *mod edit- detail removed* Only way to make sure there is no body.

Why does that matter?

And have you heard of a group called Blind Guardian? You've got to listen to them before you go.

Maligan12 wrote:And 11 you say? Do tell.

Get your jollies somewhere else, please.

Blind Guardian is in a computer game called Sacred 2. They are really good and the game is really cool!!!

Ada wrote:

Maligan12 wrote:And 11 you say? Do tell.

Get your jollies somewhere else, please.

Don't ask me to tell about being raped as a little boy that's not fair. It's what ruined my life it's nothing for anyone to get excited about.