On deciding to die

You are not a loser Cumulusjames, nor an abuser by what I recall of your story,
and I don't hate you. I've liked you since reading your first post.

You think you'll go to jail for watching CP? I sort of know two people who got caught
with CP... maybe 5 yrs ago or so, and they just got house arrest for 3 yrs and could go to
work and on short trips to the store, to do banking, etc. once a week.

I do not want you to die. I hope you decide to live.

My problem is not that I descended into CP (and there was a very clear decent from 'twink' porn to underage stuff. My problem is that I did was an underage boy who had sex with men and boys and I personally knew many others. I don't feel entitled to my own thoughts and experiences.

Furthermore. In much of what I saw it was self produced. The youth in question found himself performing online by entirely his own enterprise. So we have the paradoxical situation that said youth is both his own victim and producer and the only one to be penalized is the viewer. And I tell you something more about this "child abuse material". Quite a lot of it involved 2 or more boys, who, off thier own initiative had gon online with the very purpose of being rude, And for them to engage in sexual acts with each other live on cam was not unusual.

No one forced me to cruise for sex when I was 13. I just did. I won't have my life experiences taken from me because others find it distasteful.

Not only would I do it again, I would bloody well charge more and since my dad bought a video camera (which incidentally I self produced a CP vid on when I was 12) I would have undertook to film and document everything that was going on.

And you'd recommend this to other children who are that age now. As a valid and healthy life path to take? I haven't read all your posts. But I do remember vivid plans for counselling and support services. No interest in prevention of issues to start with?

Ada wrote:And you'd recommend this to other children who are that age now. As a valid and healthy life path to take? I haven't read all your posts. But I do remember vivid plans for counselling and support services. No interest in prevention of issues to start with?

But we were homosexul teenagers. Wasn't just me there were loads of us. Is it so impossible to believe we both wanted and liked the sex we were drawn to? Now that cruising has gone online I can tell you, there are 14+ yr olds who, just like us in the days of cottageing, and the next gen in the days of gaydar, are now in the cruising app grind, going to lengths to both ambiguate thier profile whist making it clear that they are underage and want sex.

It's different for boys, and especially different for gay boys. Boys get the horn. Boys like sex. Boys and men can have sex and it hardly matter, so long as it was of thier own choosing.

Who MADE/FORCED/GROOMED me to phone gay chatlinines and sneak out the house after midnight to have sex with men when I was 14? How did it 'danage' me.

Is it so impossible to believe we both wanted and liked the sex we were drawn to?

No. But the involvement of adults in it is where the line is crossed for me. Many countries have Romeo & Juliet laws. Which extend to Romeo & Romeo. Beyond that is the problem.

cumulusjames wrote:How did it 'damage' me.

<looks at the title of this thread>

Just.

Nothing.

Me and the other boys were groomed and abused and traumatized ok. I've given up and will toe that line.

I looked at pornography of other boys who though they made it themselves were horrifically and grotesquely abused and traumatized by the fact they came on my screen and I watched them. Of course I am a terrible evil raping murdering paedophile when I havd never slept with anyone under the age of consent since I was myself under the age of consent. I never hardly said a cross word to anyone in my life.

Just all is wrong. That social services report along side my mental health records are the only truth and facts I have no person, no ego and no selfhood anymore.

All I have seen, experienced and witnessed in my life is now skewed, inverted and placed in a centrifuge. After that what remains of my thoughts will be placed in a blender, then a sieve.

Oh please. The Daily Mail gives a fictional view of the world. It's not helpful to warp everything around their definitions. There are shades of gray outside that lousy novel.

James I know how hard it waiting to find out if you are going to prison and to be so scared about it I have been there as you and many on here know from my posts.

But I got through it. As far as I know there was no story or my picture in the papers, if there was I am sure I would have known about it by now. They don't report everything just the biggest juiciest stories so you could easily be lucky enough to not have to go through that. I also know any decent judge that knows all of your past will also realise you are a victim as well regardless of it being your choosing. So I don't think for one minute you will get a custodial sentence as long as you have a good defence team and are honest and open about it all. Any judge should realise that you need help and a custodial sentence would not in your case be appropriate I am sure of that.

Once your court date is done you can then start to rebuild your life just as I am doing. You can get through this you have more strength deep down than you realise.

It does get easier as time goes on. I also have not given up the hope of meeting someone who can see past that part of my life too.

But you have to make a lot of the changes from within. You have to start helping yourself by adjusting your thoughts and making a new life again. You have to stop trying to understand absolutely everything and just accept that some things were the way they were, you can't go back and change it but you can change the future.

I don't know what else I can say but I am so glad I did not doing anything stupid even though I thought about it often as I just wanted to go back and turn the clock back and change everything.

cumulusjames wrote:Me and the other boys were groomed and abused and traumatized ok. I've given up and will toe that line

Lol!

The establishment's agents want you to play victim because it validates their belief in their made-up social structure, which as you are seeing, leads to considerable unhappiness for those who fall for the hoax. Wisest thing I've seen you write yet is rejecting that narrative.

*mod edit*

Ada wrote:

Is it so impossible to believe we both wanted and liked the sex we were drawn to?

No. But the involvement of adults in it is where the line is crossed for me. Many countries have Romeo & Juliet laws. Which extend to Romeo & Romeo. Beyond that is the problem.

Oh please. Romeo and Juliet laws are one of the biggest bits of hypocrisy I've ever seen. Either someone is capable of providing informed consent or they are not. There is absolutely zero value in a law which tells early bloomers that they are REQUIRED to seek their sexual partners from among the population of people who are deemed by society to be incapable of providing meaningful consent.

The only thing Romeo and Juliet laws do is allow this society to avoid the subject that they would otherwise be forced to actually DEAL WITH in the face of trying to enforce celibacy on the people they keep claiming would be so utterly and irevocably traumatized by the mere exposure to sexuality in any form.

Ada wrote:

cumulusjames wrote:How did it 'damage' me.

<looks at the title of this thread>

So it damaged him by putting him outside the social norm in a society which behaves contemptuously and abusively towards people outside the social norm.

Yeah, if someone has a gun to your loved one's head and demands you not say "I love you" to them, and you do it anyway, I can see why you might think that was a partial cause. On the other hand, I tend to apply more blame to the deranged gunman.