I feel cheated

People keep saying that pedophiles are a result of early exposure to sex and sexual material. People talk about how our interests become fixed at the age where we were first experiencing or exploring sexuality. People push their vampire hypotheses relying on these ideas.

I did not experience sexuality as a child. I didn't even participate in those "show me" games everyone goes on and on about.

And you know what, it sort of pisses me off. My entire life is on track to be one of permanent celibacy because the people I'm attracted to are prohibited to me as sex partners, and I didn't even get to engage in sexplay when I was the same age as my preferred partners (and thus magically wouldn't have damaged them).

Listening to other people talk about their sexual exploits as adults is grating, but listening to them talk about what they'd done as children makes me so jealous and touches such a raw nerve, I just want to beat them until I feel like they're hurting as badly as their words unintentionally hurt me. But since you can't translate emotional pain into physical pain, it'd never really be enough to balance the scales.

Obviously I'm not beating people to death. It's not their fault, and they have no reason to know my sensitivity. In fact, my usual MO is to just grit my teeth, deaden my emotional affect so my anger doesn't show, and interact politely until I can move on. But that's the feeling I get every time.

Every time someone talks about it, either as an experience or as an abstract, I get the impression that I was supposed to have these same experiences, and the fact that I haven't means I can't even draw on those memories as I live my life.

Am I alone in feeling this way?

I definitely can relate to what you're saying.

I myself also have a pet peeve with people who say that "I don't know who I'm attracted too because I've never engaged in intercourse with anyone".

Goddamn irritating.

I'm not anti-gay in the slightest, but I get irritated by people talking about how brave gay men and women are to come out, especially in Western countries now rather than, say, 20 years ago. Particularly that Hollywood actress who came out to a room full of homosexuals and got a round of applause. Was she really risking anything?

Oh yeah, that one aggravates me way more than it should.

Am I the only one who regrets having sexual experiences as a kid? You tell me.

There is nothing to be jealous of, really.

My entire life is on track to be one of permanent celibacy because the people I'm attracted to are prohibited to me as sex partners,

Same here, but I tend to think about dead people. I'm attracted to kids too, yet I find it uncomfortable to think about sex with children....unless they are 12+
Still...I'd have issues with that.

Anyway, whatever. You're not alone in this.

ElKahn wrote:There is nothing to be jealous of, really.

Everyone keeps saying that too. Doesn't really help.

ctithe wrote:I'm not anti-gay in the slightest, but I get irritated by people talking about how brave gay men and women are to come out, especially in Western countries now rather than, say, 20 years ago. Particularly that Hollywood actress who came out to a room full of homosexuals and got a round of applause. Was she really risking anything?

Ellen Page? Her career opportunities, for one. It's important to remember that gay rights in the US right now has gained traction, but there is still a long way to go. It's slowly getting there, but depending where you live, there is still a lot of violent prejudice...I had rocks thrown at me for it and lost some friends. I've known some kids whose parents have disowned and kicked them out of the house. Others got fired over it when that was still legal in my state, one of my friends was raped by his neighbor. As a gay man (or I should say one who currently identifies as gay...my sexuality has never been completely black & white, but whose really is?), while I don't think there should be a thing like having to "come out", it is important because you're revealing something about yourself that will affect your public reputation and your life.

Now I realize pedophiles and other paraphiles have it incomparably tougher, I think it's also important to recognize homosexuality as somewhat of a milestone, because we were once considered just as evil based on our thoughts. That says a lot about where we are going. I don't expect anyone will advocate sex with children of course, but it's important that everyone has non-judgmental access to resources to help them cope and learn to control their impulses if they feel they may become a danger to others, or to at least be able to channel them appropriately. There should be more research into how exactly to accomplish that, but heck if any medical or psychological professionals are brave enough to tackle that.

It's a bit of a touchy subject, but I have to admit life would be easier if I wasn't attracted to young teen boys. If I could get rid of it, I would, although then I have to wonder if stories the stories I write would be as interesting, or the characters as vivid and human. There's a beauty in channeling these things properly, I think, that might not exist otherwise. Should we want to get rid of these attractions if our admiration lends something valuable in the field of art through our creations? Will McBride has said his photography is his way of expressing his love for the boys in his artwork.

Anyway, I'm off on a tangent lol. But my point was that homosexuals do still risk a lot coming out, even today, and while they may not struggle as much as those with paraphilias, the lifestyle still comes with it's own unique set of challenges in all areas from societal to religious to romantic and everything else in between.

YouthRightsRadical wrote:People keep saying that pedophiles are a result of early exposure to sex and sexual material. People talk about how our interests become fixed at the age where we were first experiencing or exploring sexuality. People push their vampire hypotheses relying on these ideas.

I did not experience sexuality as a child. I didn't even participate in those "show me" games everyone goes on and on about.

And you know what, it sort of pisses me off. My entire life is on track to be one of permanent celibacy because the people I'm attracted to are prohibited to me as sex partners, and I didn't even get to engage in sexplay when I was the same age as my preferred partners (and thus magically wouldn't have damaged them).

Listening to other people talk about their sexual exploits as adults is grating, but listening to them talk about what they'd done as children makes me so jealous and touches such a raw nerve, I just want to beat them until I feel like they're hurting as badly as their words unintentionally hurt me. But since you can't translate emotional pain into physical pain, it'd never really be enough to balance the scales.

Obviously I'm not beating people to death. It's not their fault, and they have no reason to know my sensitivity. In fact, my usual MO is to just grit my teeth, deaden my emotional affect so my anger doesn't show, and interact politely until I can move on. But that's the feeling I get every time.

Every time someone talks about it, either as an experience or as an abstract, I get the impression that I was supposed to have these same experiences, and the fact that I haven't means I can't even draw on those memories as I live my life.

Am I alone in feeling this way?

Well, it seems like that your story is a little different that mine. I posted about my recovery here: post1557980.html#p1557980

Perhaps, if sexuality part doesn't apply to you (are you sure you didn't have any thoughts like that?), than I think you can experiment with the other part (about the ego, doing what you like regardless of how others see you).

One other thing, pedophilia is not something you have innately, it's a "fake sexuality", a 'layer' on top of your original one. You can get rid of it. And having someone to love you unconditionally helps too, cuz if you were loved unconditionally in childhood, than you would not feel the need to be something or someone else.

Why would I want to stop being attracted to little girls even if I believed reorientation like you're describing were possible?

Also, I'll thank you to not attempt to invalidate my sexual orientation. Whatever your experience may or may not have been, don't try to tell me what I feel isn't real.

Might also be a good idea to avoid claiming that the people I care about don't/didn't love me enough. I don't really take kindly to that sort of implication.

No one should be telling anyone else what they are feeling or what they have been through. And I agree with you, YouthRightsRadical, I have no interest in giving up my attraction to young girls. It is a part of me, why would I want it to go away. I definitely experienced unconditional love as a child, but I am definitely a pedophile.