Slippery situation for a person *triggers*

Well, today really made me realize the horrid truth.

I'm a 19 year old female and I recently posted about the line between paraphilia and fetish and got some eye opening insight about the paraphilias I may have.
So far, these are proven:
- Voyeurism (scopophilia)
- Sadism
But there's one that I've been REFUSING to face simply because I don't want to claim it. Today, the urges for it were so strong, I couldn't help but think for a second that it could ACTUALLY be apart of me and I nearly did NOT want to accept it.

I work at a daycare. When I first started working there, I had a couple times where they'd put me in the school-age classroom, but after expressing my dislike for it, they put me in preschool(3 yr olds) and I generally go between preschool and two's. But, today, they put me back in school-age.
When I first heard I was going to school-age I was like, 'oh ok! something new' since I just got out of being with the two year olds for 3 straight weeks (it was TORTURE ) But then, a thought came into my head: I could be a hebephile. And if I could be a hebephile, being in this room could potentially be a bad thing for me.
Normally, being in the school age room wouldn't be a problem besides my dislike for the children's behavior, but there is this kid. A boy. And for whatever reason, I seem to be pretty strongly attracted to him. He's cute. You can tell when he's older he'll be very good-looking but even now, he's got a pretty mature face. He's either 11 or 12(I forgot to look at the age sheet ) and I was surprised at my behavior around him.

When I first entered the room at work, our eyes met. I immediately looked down on the floor out of nervousness. Then, I had to go near him to put my bag in the cabinet and the entire time I just tried to keep my eyes away from him. There was a moment when he and a few other kids were huddled in a corner of the classroom and I had to go investigate what was going on. While I was talking I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach kind of like having butterflies when talking to a guy you really like. I knew his eyes were on me even though I didn't look directly at him. I began to feel aroused and walked away feeling really hot like I was about to start sweating. Every time I got the chance, I would steal a glance at him.

Then there was moment before they had to start doing homework. He and another kid were trying to find another table center to play with and he was standing by the shelf. I had to get by the shelf to get to my bag and a thought popped into my head: 'I should walk by him and try to brush against him a bit, see what he'll do.' I immediately got a feeling of arousal at the thought of doing it and decided to go around the OTHER side of the shelf. I heavily considered brushing up on him, just to feel him. Touch him. But the thought that I'd be doing it for sexual gratification made me feel like crap.
The thoughts later evolved to me brushing up against him to get the chance to touch his butt (which I never did) but I got aroused by the thought.

While he was doing his homework, I kept hoping that he would ask me to help with it. A lot of the children would go to the other teacher though, because I'm barely ever in that room and I guess they feel more comfortable with the other teacher who's ALWAYS in there.

There is, however, a 6 year old in there that feels comfortable asking me for homework help and just being around me because of a nickname we have for each other that got made during the summer when I'd often see him around and we talked. Just a fun little "inside joke" type thing, as I have no attraction towards him.

But anywho, I can't seem to shake this disturbing "thing" I have for this 11(possibly 12) year old. He just seems so much more mature for his age and while I feel like I'd never do anything to him (or any other kid for that matter) The thoughts caused me great distress. The thought of being able to get sexually aroused by this young boy and thinking the bad thoughts about him, it just messes with me.
I've been having hebephilic thoughts since around 15/16 years old. Thoughts of men brutally beating and raping 14 year old boys. Just recently, the age has been getting lower and lower and my fantasies have gone as low as 11 years old. Most of the time, it hasn't gone past anything other than me just wanting to see a boy being raped. But realizing that I have an attraction to this boy, I've never been so sure about being a hebephile as I am now. And, I don't like it. At all.

I guess there really is no question. just felt like expressing my thoughts. I needed to get them out and I haven't really talked to anyone about this particular situation. My friends know about the sadism but they don't know anything about the hebephilia and I don't know if I should necessarily tell them. They know I have those male on male rape fantasies (they have them too!) I just don't like mentioning age because suddenly, it makes the fantasy seem much worse to people. As I'm sure you guys have been in similar situations, I'd love to hear how you guys have handled it whether you're a pedophile, hebephile, ephebephile, sadist, voyeur, urophiliac, necrophiliac, WHATEVER you feel like you are. What are your opinions, situations, stories, etc.?

Hi,

This is a tricky situation for a person to be in, but there's no need to be ashamed of your desires. In fact, confronting and thinking things through like this, and making a plan for what you'll do in these situations to manage your desires will help your self-control a lot.

I inadvertently set myself up for a similar situation in the future. I'm a nursing student (18 yrs old, female) and a necrophile, and let me preface this by saying I decided to be a nurse a long time ago, and my paraphilia had no part in the decision, so it's kind of unfortunate for me that things have turned out like this.

During my job, I shouldn't be around dead people all the time, but obviously sometimes I'll be put into that situation. Each time I've been around dead people before, I haven't had any issues with self-control, though I was always around other people, so I don't know how I'll feel when I'm alone. I guess I'll have to deal with that when/if I'm actually put in that situation, but I guarantee I won't let myself screw up, my self-control can be really good when it needs to be.

Despite that, I only plan to work in the hospital for a few years, as most people's first jobs end up being bedside care in hospitals, but as soon as I can, I'll get a job somewhere that I don't have to worry about this stuff. My main career goals have nothing to do with the hospital, anyway, so I'm perfectly happy with that.

Good luck with this situation. If the temptations get to be too much for you, try to avoid him as much as you can, and avoid being put in any kind of compromising situation where you could be considering really acting on these thoughts.

O.O
######6 hell!

Hi,

I'm in a very similar situation to you and have similar feelings. I posted the other day under "any advice would be appreciated" if you wana look. I too am in a job that means I am close to children and yes I find some of them attractive which worries me, but like you I don't think I would ever act on those feelings.

@ Platonic: Not that it's any of my business, but what exactly was that in response to?

Hi. I'm not a sadistic pedophile (furthest thing from really), but I can understand being disturbed by this realization. I nearly drove myself to insanity until I (with Aaron's help) came to accept this about myself. Even then though, it wasn't easy.

I remember this one time, a 1.5 years ago. I was at my relative's house for Christmas dinner. One of the people there was a cute 7 year old girl. She was very friendly, and seemed to take a liking to me almost instantly. (I found out later that apparently she's like that around guys in general. *Sigh*). She was always stayed near me and loved to hug me. Before the end of the night we actually ended up snuggling on a bed together (nothing sexual). It was one the most memorable moments in my life.
Unfortunately, this story's ending isn't entirely happy. Later on that night, we were sitting together in the family hall together talking about how much we enjoyed each others company. That is, until I slipped up and said...

"Well, uh, just, don't try to steal me from my girlfriend, okay?"

...In front of my entire family. Oops. (Keep in mind that I was 15 at the time.)

This triggered my aunt to say: "[Name], she's seven years old!!"

Needless to say, I was pretty derailed once I realized what I just said. I had to leave the room. I was stiff as a board on the outside, but on the inside it took every ounce of my willpower to keep from trembling like an earthquake, even with Aaron helping me.(Seriously. I can only recall one other time when he was THAT messed up. I honestly don't know how we pulled it off.) Anyway, after about 15 minutes, I finally worked up the courage to go back into the room. Everyone seemed to have forgotten about my little comment, which I guess was a good thing. Still, I had remembered my aunt's words, so I confronted her later in private. It turns out that she had actually been joking around, and I ended up explain to her that I had not, and I told her my little secret. She actually reacted better than I thought she would, but she was clearly concerned. Since then I've learned to be more careful about what I say. :/

*UPDATE ON THE CHILD'S AGE*

I looked on the age list and it's confirmed that the boy is 9 years old. So this is becoming an even more bitter pill to swallow

skeleton-countess wrote:Hi,

This is a tricky situation for a person to be in, but there's no need to be ashamed of your desires. In fact, confronting and thinking things through like this, and making a plan for what you'll do in these situations to manage your desires will help your self-control a lot.

I inadvertently set myself up for a similar situation in the future. I'm a nursing student (18 yrs old, female) and a necrophile, and let me preface this by saying I decided to be a nurse a long time ago, and my paraphilia had no part in the decision, so it's kind of unfortunate for me that things have turned out like this.

During my job, I shouldn't be around dead people all the time, but obviously sometimes I'll be put into that situation. Each time I've been around dead people before, I haven't had any issues with self-control, though I was always around other people, so I don't know how I'll feel when I'm alone. I guess I'll have to deal with that when/if I'm actually put in that situation, but I guarantee I won't let myself screw up, my self-control can be really good when it needs to be.

Despite that, I only plan to work in the hospital for a few years, as most people's first jobs end up being bedside care in hospitals, but as soon as I can, I'll get a job somewhere that I don't have to worry about this stuff. My main career goals have nothing to do with the hospital, anyway, so I'm perfectly happy with that.

Good luck with this situation. If the temptations get to be too much for you, try to avoid him as much as you can, and avoid being put in any kind of compromising situation where you could be considering really acting on these thoughts.

Thank you for sharing. Yes, originally my job had nothing to do with my thoughts and fantasies either. For me, the attraction has never been for anything more than wanting to see the child get raped. But now, its developed into ME wanting to be involved with the child.

I will try to keep myself in control. Yesterday, he and some other kids were playing and he kept lifting up his shirt...I thought I would faint.

And yes, if its too much, I will have to consider asking them to put me in another room or leaving the job altogether.
I do LIKE being in that room (not because of the boy) but before being in there I've ALWAYS been with the younger ones so its nice being somewhere different for a change and getting to know those kids. I didn't even know their names until now.
And I feel like I'm a lot more calm. The young ones would stress me out so bad, I'd be ready to flip by the end of the day.
But I'm still kind of worried. I've never been in this situation before and self-control is very important. I've never had issues with self-control before but the kid is just so beautiful. He was laughing yesterday and the smile on his face made me want to melt.

-- Thu May 01, 2014 4:34 pm --

1208 wrote:Hi,

I'm in a very similar situation to you and have similar feelings. I posted the other day under "any advice would be appreciated" if you wana look. I too am in a job that means I am close to children and yes I find some of them attractive which worries me, but like you I don't think I would ever act on those feelings.

Thanks for sharing. (: What are some of the things you do to keep yourself from acting on strong urges?

Chessplayer wrote: @ Platonic: Not that it's any of my business, but what exactly was that in response to?

Hi. I'm not a sadistic pedophile (furthest thing from really), but I can understand being disturbed by this realization. I nearly drove myself to insanity until I (with Aaron's help) came to accept this about myself. Even then though, it wasn't easy.

I remember this one time, a 1.5 years ago. I was at my relative's house for Christmas dinner. One of the people there was a cute 7 year old girl. She was very friendly, and seemed to take a liking to me almost instantly. (I found out later that apparently she's like that around guys in general. *Sigh*). She was always stayed near me and loved to hug me. Before the end of the night we actually ended up snuggling on a bed together (nothing sexual). It was one the most memorable moments in my life.
Unfortunately, this story's ending isn't entirely happy. Later on that night, we were sitting together in the family hall together talking about how much we enjoyed each others company. That is, until I slipped up and said...

"Well, uh, just, don't try to steal me from my girlfriend, okay?"

...In front of my entire family. Oops. (Keep in mind that I was 15 at the time.)

This triggered my aunt to say: "[Name], she's seven years old!!"

Needless to say, I was pretty derailed once I realized what I just said. I had to leave the room. I was stiff as a board on the outside, but on the inside it took every ounce of my willpower to keep from trembling like an earthquake, even with Aaron helping me.(Seriously. I can only recall one other time when he was THAT messed up. I honestly don't know how we pulled it off.) Anyway, after about 15 minutes, I finally worked up the courage to go back into the room. Everyone seemed to have forgotten about my little comment, which I guess was a good thing. Still, I had remembered my aunt's words, so I confronted her later in private. It turns out that she had actually been joking around, and I ended up explain to her that I had not, and I told her my little secret. She actually reacted better than I thought she would, but she was clearly concerned. Since then I've learned to be more careful about what I say. :/

Thank you for sharing!
Yes, this whole thing had my head in a whirlwind but talking to some people on this forum has made me calm down about it a bit more.

And I haven't had the courage to tell anyone about the age problem, and the fact that I'm a girl I feel like its an even crazier thing. You'd almost EXPECT a guy to be a pedophile, but never a woman. (the way society paints the picture.)

Thank God I haven't slipped up and said anything weird as yet. My mom jokingly asked me if I was "hitting on high school boys" the other day after I had said something about a friend of mine's brother. But like I said, it was a joke. I brushed it off and so did she. I don't think I'd EVER tell my parents.

We're in a pretty similar situation.

Last August I was out of town for the entire month. I stayed with my mother and relatives in a house near the beach. We had neighbors, one of them was a family with children - a boy and two girls.
I was exploring my mind and almost coming to the conclusion that I am a pedophile, but I wasn't really sure until I found myself sexually fantasizing about my neighbor. I don't know what her age was exactly, but I would say approximately 9 years old. I was already aware of signs of pedophilia but that girl solved my doubts.

I currently fantasize about a 13 year old girl in every way possible, and yeah I'm a sadist. When I go out I always look at little girls who are older than 7. My age of attraction range goes from 7 to 15, mostly exclusive but not entirely but I'm not going to explain this here and it's the most complex and confusing part of my sexuality, that's the only debatable part.

[quote_"rodeo_clown2"]I looked on the age list and it's confirmed that the boy is 9 years old. So this is becoming an even more bitter pill to swallow [/quote]
I know that feeling, but after all, why does age matter? 9 or 11, it doesn't change much, I mean....you shouldn't feel guilty because you like a kid. You do nothing wrong, you don't act on your attraction so there's nothing wrong with that.

I get urges too. I remember one day I was at the supermarket and saw a young preteen girl and couldn't stop looking at her thighs (she had a skirt) and I got very nervous and paranoid as I feared someone could notice me. Then I went home and started punching things because of frustration. Same thing happened at the gym one day.
If you feel like urges are strong then either avoid dangerous situations or learn how to manage your self-control. Or try to think about the consequences, focus on the consequences: what would happen to your life if you acted on your fantasies? How would the child and his family feel? Is it really worth destroying both your and his life for an attraction? Whenever you feel that urges are very strong, focus on the negative consequences of acting on your fantasies.

I wouldn't suggest to tell your parents. I think you should keep it for yourself. You never know who you can trust and I'm sure you want to avoid being exposed or discriminated.
So, unless you know someone you can trust 100%, avoid talking about that.

Hope it helps

ElKahn wrote:I currently fantasize about a 13 year old girl in every way possible, and yeah I'm a sadist. When I go out I always look at little girls who are older than 7. My age of attraction range goes from 7 to 15, mostly exclusive but not entirely but I'm not going to explain this here and it's the most complex and confusing part of my sexuality, that's the only debatable part.

I know what you mean. I find my age range now being from like 9-15 maybe even 16. Yet, I have a boyfriend that I've been with for almost a year who's 21. We've never had sex, mostly because if my morals but at the same time, I don't know if I could imagine myself beig intimate with him. But I can imagine myself wanting to rape a 12 year old. Weird stuff.

ElKahn wrote:

rodeo_clown2 wrote: I looked on the age list and it's confirmed that the boy is 9 years old. So this is becoming an even more bitter pill to swallow

I know that feeling, but after all, why does age matter? 9 or 11, it doesn't change much, I mean....you shouldn't feel guilty because you like a kid. You do nothing wrong, you don't act on your attraction so there's nothing wrong with that.

That's true. I guess because of the view society has on this situation, I have been brainwashed as well. I haven't always had these feelings so I've had time to listen to the whole "pedophiles need to be under the jail" argument plenty of times. But being a naturally curious person, I searched about pedophilia (even before I started truly having the thoughts) myself and realized that pedophiles need support. Uncaring child molesters who don't even consider what they do as being wrong or simply don't care to acknowledge they have a problem need to be under the jail.

ElKahn wrote:I get urges too. I remember one day I was at the supermarket and saw a young preteen girl and couldn't stop looking at her thighs (she had a skirt) and I got very nervous and paranoid as I feared someone could notice me.

That happened to me the other day. The boy kept lifting up his shirt and I was staring. Then I was with the toddlers the other day and he came up to the fence with his friends and they were kinda playing with them. Handing them things through the fence. As he walked away, I stared at his butt. Then I looked at another teacher and she was looking at me. I was worried she caught me staring.

ElKahn wrote:If you feel like urges are strong then either avoid dangerous situations or learn how to manage your self-control. Or try to think about the consequences, focus on the consequences: what would happen to your life if you acted on your fantasies? How would the child and his family feel? Is it really worth destroying both your and his life for an attraction? Whenever you feel that urges are very strong, focus on the negative consequences of acting on your fantasies.

Thanks for the advice.thats a good way of looking at it. The thing that's stops me from doing ALOT of things is fear of getting in trouble. I don't like being in trouble so I definitely will think about these things before I decide to act.

And yeah I won't be telling my parents anytime soon. I tried to tell my sister and it backfired. I ended up not telling her and it was very awkward.