switching, altered state of mind

Talking about switching....a small introduction first....
I have a story of past obsessive loves where I was kinda abusive and abused at the same time (psychologically). I was a teen and those were girls my age.
The last girl I "obsessively loved" and who was 18 at the time just like I was, the way she treated me especially right before dumping me (we were just friends though), I think that left a big mark (or should I say scar) in my life and in my opinion this contributed to form my sadistic side (which already existed of course, but I think this experience contributed to redefine it somehow).

What do I call switching? Switching is that sudden moment when my sadistic side, or the Dark Side as I sometimes call it, takes control of thoughts, feelings, and even actions.
Certain scenes, songs, sounds, circumstances, can trigger it, but I also switch with no reason. It's like an altered state of mind where my good morals just go f**** themselves and disappear, it's that moment when I stop and think to myself the darkest things, the dirty shameful thoughts. Actions now? It's been a few times now in these days, that I grabbed a belt, doubled it so I held both ends in my left hand, and started to make noises with it (one hand holding the ends, the other one pulling the opposite side (where a curve forms) so the two sides of the belt smacked with each other and that noise turned me on, then I also "spanked" the bed with the belt pretending there was a little girl there, and this made me feel aroused, and it was just fiction, I can't even imagine what the real thing would feel like. But of course, I'm not gonna try it and honestly, I don't want to know what it'd feel like. I keep living in my fantasy world here.
Sorry if the belt description thing was not very well written but....I tried. Not my native language, after all. Anyway....
It's nothing weird, really, I just call it switching but you could call something else, really, it's just a term I use to describe going from a normal, calm state of mind to the wild, sadistic, evil one.

I know that the belt thing might sound disturbing, and it certainly is.
A sign that something is going terribly wrong? Or just something I should not worry about?

And this "altered" mind, is that something that usually happens to you? Or not?
How else would you define this situation?

Does pedophilia + sadism represent a dangerous couple?

No, I understood your description.

One random thing I was wondering...how do you usually switch back into your normal state? Does the sadistic state just wear off over time or do you snap back to normal after another kind of trigger?

I don't have sexual sadism and I don't get an 'altered' mind, but I don't think you have to be worried about it, sadistic urges can be controlled just like pedophilia can. As long as you just do this on your own and keep it in fantasy then there's definitely nothing to worry about.

I don't think pedophilia + sadism together are any more dangerous than pedophilia on it's own, as long as you have self-control. The fact still remains that you don't want to act on your fantasies in real life. So yeah I wouldn't say you're any more dangerous than anyone else.

skeleton-countess wrote:One random thing I was wondering...how do you usually switch back into your normal state? Does the sadistic state just wear off over time or do you snap back to normal after another kind of trigger?

I don't have sexual sadism and I don't get an 'altered' mind, but I don't think you have to be worried about it, sadistic urges can be controlled just like pedophilia can. As long as you just do this on your own and keep it in fantasy then there's definitely nothing to worry about.

I don't think pedophilia + sadism together are any more dangerous than pedophilia on it's own, as long as you have self-control. The fact still remains that you don't want to act on your fantasies in real life. So yeah I wouldn't say you're any more dangerous than anyone else.

It just wears off....since this sadistic side mainly "comes out" at night, I usually get tired and justput myself to sleep, imaging something in my mind and then just falling asleep...or it just goes away when I get distracted by something else.

I got my friend freaked out over the phone for that belt noise thing....I like to freak people out, I like to shock people and make them afraid / anxious around me.

I think sadism might be dangerous in my case during the "altered/triggered mind" moments.
For example: I am watching a horror movie with particular features like for example there is a serial killer or a rapist involved, and there's a little girl aged around 10-13 that I physically/sexually like around me - not that I'd let a girl that age watch a horror movie with me , I mean for example I am in the living room watching it and she's in her room watching tv - and I get all euphoric inside during some movie scenes or after the entire movie (it happened tonight after watching Deep Red, especially the end, that I got all euphoric)....then, let's assume that something in the movie just triggered me, I'm all excited and triggered, and I happen to just get into the girl's room....the attractive girl in question would never, and I repeat NEVER be safe around me with me in that altered state of mind, when my sadistic side is very highlighted...chances are I'd put up that typically evil smile on my face (it actually happens while I am in that state of mind)...and what if I start instilling fear into her mind, psychologically playing with her mind? What if the urges get stronger and stronger and I end up assaulting her?

This is why AWARENESS is important, especially for me and people like me, so I can AVOID situations. Let's assume I make friends with someone who has a little sister and this sister looks very attractive to me somehow, and this friend invites me over to his/her house to watch some kind of psycho/horror movie (the only movies I actually enjoy, and guess why?!), I would either refuse or make sure the girl's room is locked up during the night so I can't get in.

So yes, I might be dangerous and since I know myself well, I avoid situations. Awareness brings safety, in my case, as I just avoid situations.
When I get triggered at night all alone in my own room, it doesn't matter. There are no possible "victims" around. I just fantasize, masturbate or wait until urges go away and just sleep.

Can pedophilia + sadism be more dangerous than pedophilia on its own? I'd say yes. They are two distinct, different paraphilias that, combined and united, result in something that might be dangerous, as sadism for definition lacks empathy....and indeed, when I get triggered I start losing empathy and I'm blinded by my desires.

It's good to know your triggers and that you can take steps to avoid putting yourself in dangerous positions. I do the same, though the specifics vary in my case.

As to your combo question, for me, I'd reverse the question. Is sadism+pedophilia more dangerous than sadism alone? And that one, I'm not sure I'd agree that the answer was yes.

YouthRightsRadical wrote:It's good to know your triggers and that you can take steps to avoid putting yourself in dangerous positions. I do the same, though the specifics vary in my case.

As to your combo question, for me, I'd reverse the question. Is sadism+pedophilia more dangerous than sadism alone? And that one, I'm not sure I'd agree that the answer was yes.

I did not get the reversed question, how's that different?

ElKahn wrote:

YouthRightsRadical wrote:It's good to know your triggers and that you can take steps to avoid putting yourself in dangerous positions. I do the same, though the specifics vary in my case.

As to your combo question, for me, I'd reverse the question. Is sadism+pedophilia more dangerous than sadism alone? And that one, I'm not sure I'd agree that the answer was yes.

I did not get the reversed question, how's that different?

Basically, I'm saying I think it's the hard to control violent urges alone that are where the problem is here. That if you were sexually oriented toward adult women, the only thing that would really change would be the specific targets that would be endangered.

Maybe we could talk about the relative difficulty a hypothetical victim would have protecting themselves, but the details of how that would work out aren't clear to me. Hence why I went with "not sure I'd agree" rather than stronger phrasing.

Exactly, the "targets" or should we say, "objects of fantasy" change, but also the modus operandi would change a little bit.

I think sexual sadism becomes dangerous when you feed it. How I am feeding it right now is unknown to me, but I am doing it somehow. I can feel it, I can perceive it.

I will quote what I consider inspirational interview with an inspirational (but horrible at the same time) human being. And by inspirational I don't mean that I am inspired by his horrible and inhuman murders and his terrible actions, but I mean that I am inspired by what he says here and thanks to what he says I developed a rejection for [hardcore] pornography and from him I inherited the belief that exposing yourself constantly to pornography is somehow dangerous.

Ted Bundy's last interview
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LYL1PTrtXo
"the most damaging kinds of pornography are those that involve violence and sexual violence".
"this kind of literature (violent pornography) molded and shaped the kinds of violent behavior, crystalizing, almost making a separate entity inside"
Basically he explains how he does not blame pornography in general, but that specific kind of pornography depicting violence, dealing with sexuality in a violent way, certainly contribute to shape that "evil entity" inside and fueling his thought process.
He explains how getting addicted to violent pornography contributed to that dangerous thought process and fantasy world....pornography clearly fueled his dangerous mind, he clearly states this and I admire him for such an inspirational message. No, I won't watch hardcore violent pornography and thank you Ted for giving such an important message to people.
Also, alcohol contributed to lead him to do what he did to victims. I agree that alcohol makes the sadistic part come out. I saw it happen to me.

He later explains the feelings after his first murder, "it was like coming out of some kind of horrible trance or dream", he says. And then again:
"to have been possessed by something so awful and so alien and then the next morning wake up from it, remember what happened and you're responsible, to wake up in the morning realize what I had done, and with a clear mind and all my moral and ethical feelings intact at that moment....absolutely horrified that I was capable of doing something like that"
Isn't it exactly what I am experiencing, except for the action part (it all happens in my mind), and isn't it exactly like the altered state of mind I describe in this thread? That moment when you lose all moral values and just act, just to wake up from this "dream" and realize how horrible you are for thinking/doing certain things? Isn't it the same thing? Yes, with the only difference that he actually acted on his fantasies....and killed.

And I'm not saying that I don't watch pornography, cause sometimes I do and enjoy it (ADULT pornography only) but I avoid violence....I avoid violence even BDSM it just....it might really trigger me, pornography in general triggers me but BDSM does more...and paradoxically, softcore triggers me more and if you're clever enough you'll get why without me explaining. I prefer softcore anyway but I'm not here to discuss about my personal tastes in pornography (reminding you that I'm talking about adult, consensual, legal pornography only). Here, I'm talking about how graphic stuff in general can be damaging. Later in the interview, Ted Bundy also mentions violence in the media and movies, and this is where I admire him: he tried to convey a message so people realize what's wrong and avoid turning into monsters like he did.

I have to say, I'm skeptical of Ted Bundy's honesty. (A sentence I never though I would have to type.) Especially given that the ability to lie convincingly and repeatedly was instrumental to his criminal career. A quick review of his wikipedia article suggests that there's contradictory evidence that undermines his story in the interview.

If it resonated with you, I can certainly understand that, since the interview was a carefully crafted manipulation by one of the most famous and charismatic sociopaths to gain media noteriety. Apparently crafted to appeal to individuals who already hold a belief that pornography is a negative thing (the interviewer specifically).

If this kind of pornography is an issue for you, I accept that you know your own mind better than I do. But I'd encourage you to take anything said by famous liars with the metric ton of salt such people require.

I am aware of the ability of people like this to lie. Whether people believe porn is damaging or not, I do think it is damaging if it becomes an addiction or if it is watched by someone with difficulties to control sexual urges or one who fantasizes about violence (me).
I talk from personal experience. Violence depicted in movies triggers me. And my obsession with thrillers and horrors reflects my psychology and inner desires. Porn triggers me. I imagine me in the place of the man and a little girl in the place of the woman and here I go, horny as hell and instead of putting the fire out, I open the window where the flames are and make them burn higher and stronger. It's all a cycle, a vicious cycle. If it's not movies, it's my fantasies and vice versa. If it's not porn, it's my fantasies and vice versa. Talking about feeding the beast.

Again I am not saying that violent movies or pornography negatively influence everyone. They only do this when the person watching is unstable, and tends to be violent.
Ever wondered why I went looking or erotic written stories involving having sex with little girls? To get pleasure and feed my fantasies in a relatively safe way. When ot first started it was 1 year ago and I am sure my obsession with reading about abuse contributed a little to feed my desires.
When I get distracted I dont feel so bad. When something triggers me, I would need a straitjacket if an attractive little girl was near me because chances that I'd lose control are pretty high.