switching, altered state of mind

I think sexual sadism becomes dangerous when you feed it. How I am feeding it right now is unknown to me, but I am doing it somehow. I can feel it, I can perceive it.

I can't really speak about the rest of your post but this jumped out at me. You are describing feeding it lately by manipulating people around you mentally. You are putting them in uncomfortable situations in the way (note: not because you are but the way you have gone about it) you have disclosed your paraphilia, by here talking to someone about what you did the other night explicitly saying you like to make people afraid/anxious/shocked. Being conscious of this may help you not "feed it".

That's my $0.2 at least.

Sorry but I'm a bit confused, so you mean that just because I am aware of how I act about my paraphilia (or should I say, paraphilias) this automatically avoids feeding it?

Lifelongthing is saying that, when you reveal your paraphilia to others to shock them, that's a way of feeding your sadism. You admit that you like revealing your paraphilia to make your friends uncomfortable. That's kind of sadistic. That's all she was saying I think.

skeleton-countess wrote:Lifelongthing is saying that, when you reveal your paraphilia to others to shock them, that's a way of feeding your sadism. You admit that you like revealing your paraphilia to make your friends uncomfortable. That's kind of sadistic. That's all she was saying I think.

Well, I did not really do that to shock them, I did that because they needed to know, and to get help.
But yes, in my mind I had fun seeing some moments when, for example, one friend asked me "do you just fantasize about having sex with little girls or...more than that?", I knew exactly what that "more than that" meant, yet I kept asking her "what do you mean? Explain better" just because I liked to hear that said aloud, yes I wanted to hear things said aloud. Seeing her uncomfortable saying certain things aloud felt good somehow, it's a feeling I can't explain.

Same when I kept my best guy friend in my home for a lot of time before letting him know....

Funny thing is that I never actually told them I'm a pedophile. I made them say it, I made that get to that on their own. The reasons are both simple and complicated to understand:

1) I had to figure out whether people around me suspect of me or not. More or less, they were starting to figure that out
2) I liked to put them under pressure
3) It took responsibility away from me: I did not tell anyone in my life (except for one friend, just one), the other two just figured that out by themselves.
4) It made it all much easier

Ok, fine, so you made them figure it out on their own. But you don't think this:

2) I liked to put them under pressure

and this

Seeing her uncomfortable saying certain things aloud felt good somehow, it's a feeling I can't explain.

Enjoying watching them struggle to guess what you are and making them uncomfortable in the process...you don't think that's maybe just a little bit sadistic? We're just saying it's a small, non-sexual way you may be feeding your sadism a little bit.

Anyway, I totally understand the other reasons you gave, so of course your reasons for coming out weren't entirely about sadism. We were just giving you something to think about.

skeleton-countess wrote:Enjoying watching them struggle to guess what you are and making them uncomfortable in the process...you don't think that's maybe just a little bit sadistic? We're just saying it's a small, non-sexual way you may be feeding your sadism a little bit.

yes, it's surely sadistic - specifically, what I like to call psychological sadism. How does it work for me? Well, it's not like I go play mind games with anyone I meet....sometimes it just happens out of the blue, other times it's planned. Most of the times just happens without me noticing, it's like automatic, like....it's just there, from one word I say without thinking, I take it to the next level, then I consciously realize I can start this little game and arrange things from that point. From unconscious it gets conscious. It's what happened with my guy friend when I got him stuck in a room and watched him think hard as if he were a detective trying to find the killer....he was trying to figure out who I am. I did not plan to make him sit there for hours, I did not plan to tell him I am a pedophile in the first place....then things went in a different way. This is why I fear I might be dangerous: I am not able to prevent things when it comes to sadism, they just happen all of a sudden. As long as it's something real mild like this and no one gets really hurt (they might feel uncomfortable, anxious, but I wouldn't say hurt), then it's fine.
But what if there was a cute little girl instead of my friend in that room, asking me to help her with her homework? Big trigger there. I'd do this, but only in the presence of at least other two people.
And if it's a little girl I am veeeery attracted to, I'd get handcuffs and handcuffed somewhere so I could not move from there. With sedatives too, if the girl in question was my favorite sexual fantasy.

Am I exaggerating? Not really. I don't like to underestimate myself. And better safe than sorry, you know....
As a friend said, it's all up to me. I cannot let myself fail and do something wrong.

How are you supposed to act when your pleasure would mean breaking an innocent life?

Ironically, I am not able to watch gorey, splatter movies and anything depicting tortures and blood and brutality, as I am highly disgusted and disturbed by that. My friends watch Saw movies, for examples....well, guess what? I hide when violent scenes come. Ok, Saw series is pretty disturbing, but I'm not able to watch other movies either....I'm just grossed out, freaked out by certain sights, my friends aren't, yet I am a sadist and they're just regular people. Why is that?

Well, just because I am a sadist it does not mean I am a violent person. I'm quite the opposite.
I know it might sound weird but....I just can't explain exactly why, but it's different from violence.

And I'm starting to believe that my sadism is not just sexual....

Lifelongthing is saying that, when you reveal your paraphilia to others to shock them, that's a way of feeding your sadism. You admit that you like revealing your paraphilia to make your friends uncomfortable. That's kind of sadistic. That's all she was saying I think.

Yes, you are correct.

I am glad you can admit what you're doing here relates to your interest in (psychological) sadism. I was pointing it out because you said you don't know how you're feeding it, and I see that you are feeding it in x way. On here a lot of the time you make posts saying "I am dangerous because of xyz" (or some variant of this) and then when someone posts to you telling you that something in disconcerting or something to consider you say "well it's not that bad" or "well it's not really like that" and then going back and forth like this. Do you think this has to do with not understanding or knowing enough about your own reactions, that you are often misunderstood or is it a manipulative technique for you? I am not trying to put you on the spot. I think a lot of the time people don't know why they do a lot of what they do. I'm just trying to understand you so that I can be of help.

What do you gain from manipulating people like you do with your friends? Is it a sexual thing or do you feel powerful? Are there other, healthier things you can do that would give you the same feeling you are trying to achieve by manipulating?

Well, going back and forth as you say is not a manipulation technique, it'simply insecurity. Insecurity about my reactions because well, it's a new thing to explore for me, this month is now ending but it brought to the surface new things such as sadism, things that I'm sure existed but they were unconscious to me. I am becoming aware of every single part of my mind and I guess it is a positive thing but it's unnerving and distressing at the same time.
I could have a theory on why I like to shock/scare people. I have always been afraid of people somehow, particularly as a kid where I would often get bullied at school. While many kids get bullied at school but learn to defend themselves, my mind was too weak to do so and I was a very problematic child to the point teachers thought I was mute, that I could not talk, and my mom thought I was autistic (and I probably am, in a mild subtle way).
Developing a "creepy" side was a mechanism of self-defense somehow, over the years and now as an adult, it grew up with me and inside me and now it is coming out in a conscious way.
But it's something that I am slowly exploring...how far can I get? This is what I am focusing on.

There is a distinction between sexual sadism and psychological sadism....I am gonna try to explain this.

Shocking people, or just making them feel anxious or curious about my perversions, well that is part of psycbological sadism. I don't get sexual arousal from it, I get mental arousal. I feel powerful in a very twisted way. I feel in control of the situation, probably that lack of power and control I experienced as a kid and in part in my teen years. I guess it is a reflection of past traumas. Elementary school years were traumatic to me because of my poor social skills and social phobia. And other kids took advantage of this. I was especially afraid of a kid who was violent to everyone who tried to insult him or say something wrong. I was terrified. Everyone was, but the way I reacted was different: I cried at home and was terrified to go to school because of him and he threatened me once.
On the other side, I engaged in violent things too. I remember kicking a kid in the legs and one day even grab his neck from behind because he provoked me. And in middle school there was one guy insulting me and one day I kicked him so hard that he just ended up on the other side of the classroom.
Same things in high school, one guy in my class and a very big guy believe me, he pushed me so I took a chair and hit him with that while he was in a corner and then repeatedly kicked him in the legs and when the teacher came in she was terrified of my brutality.
I tried to protect myself all my life, as people somehow tried to take advantage of me so here I am now, I knew it would take a toll on me and turn into something terribly wrong.

Sexual sadism is different though. My sexual sadism is only in my fantasies and it only involves little girls. So, if I want to shock someone, I get a psychological arousal and nothing more. But when in my fantasies I think of sadism with a little girl in a sexual way, I feel sexually aroused and mentally aroused at the same time. Control is the key word. I want to own the girl both mentally and physically in my fantasies. I want to own her mind, body and soul.
Does it mean I am not able to love? No.
Does it mean I am an evil person? Not much, really. I can be very sweet and I am sweet to people most of the time. Sometimes it is real, other times is just a mask I wear.
Does it mean I like little girls because they are easier to control? Absolutely not, I like little girls because I am truly sexually and romantically attracted to them.

What my sexual sadistic fantasies consist of, I said this in many posts so....
But I got shocked by a new fantasy tonight that popped up in my mind and made me laugh and terrified me at the same time and it involves something known as urolagnia.
It was so disgusting but so amazing at the same time...a good and powerful mix of horror and pleasure. And it involved a girl I know.
If you want to know what it is so it might help me fifure out whether it is urolagnia or not, I will oy say if I have the permission to do so, as it is kinda disgusting.
And I was highly triggered and euphoric due to a whole night spent researching reviews and descriptions f what people consider the most disgusting and sick horror movie on earth and my urge to see it is so strong but I am terribly afraid of gore so I try to resist. But it involves paraphilias too this is why I am extremely curious. Again, since I dont want anyone to try and watch it and I dont want to trigger anyone here, I will not mention the name.
So yes, reading about it triggered me....