How did pedophilia change your life?

ElKahn wrote:I hope you notice that many of us here can help you. I hope you notice that most of us are against any form of child abuse, may it be psychological or physical, and that Naxal is just one of those pedos who make us all carry the bad name. His behavior is misleading and dangerous.
And I confirm that it is hard struggling with the idea of repressing our feelings. How can we receuve help if we cannot count on anyone out there?? How can we seek help if society hates us and many would even try to kill us? Many people dont even care about the difference between a good, kind-hearted pedophile with strong morals and values and a complete a**hole who commits or would commit an abuse. Many people hate us all, without even caring about this difference. What we demand is a little nit of understanding and help from society. We cannot seek help in a world where there are psychos who would kill us all.
I've just jeard on tv a debate on pedophilia and all they keep saying is "pedophilia is a crime", "pedophiles should be in a list and that list should be public so everyone knows where a pedophile lives" there's wbo would even tell to the public our home addresses", ignoring the fact that we are humans and that someone could come and kill us because they have our home addresses! They dont even realize they were talking about child molesters, pedophiles who actually commited a crime and are registered as sex offenders, sexual predators. But we're not all like that! I am actually very worried after hearing this. I am actually scared.

It sound like they, if not using the right terms where talking about people who specifically have harmed children or acted out on their compulsions. Does the public not deserve this knowledge, as a way to help protect their children? Ok so going by this being a "sexual orientation" people can be judged for that in a public place. For instance two gay men being ridiculed for being physical in public. Why, if most non-offenders have no wish to ever act on this, would this cause you any issues. How if your not offending would anyone know your "orientation". Why would they need to. As far as talking about this with a therapist and receiving help, I think fear would cause more issues than the reality. I think it would be few and far between trained mental health specialist who would show judgment and if they did then there obviously not good at there jobs. I talked to my therapist about corresponding on this site and his stance is similar to what mine has started to become, understanding. I hope fear would not keep people from seeking help. Most therapists would surely want to help someone to keep from harming a child.

Mind'n'Ruins wrote:It sound like they, if not using the right terms where talking about people who specifically have harmed children or acted out on their compulsions. Does the public not deserve this knowledge, as a way to help protect their children? Ok so going by this being a "sexual orientation" people can be judged for that in a public place. For instance two gay men being ridiculed for being physical in public. Why, if most non-offenders have no wish to ever act on this, would this cause you any issues. How if your not offending would anyone know your "orientation". Why would they need to. As far as talking about this with a therapist and receiving help, I think fear would cause more issues than the reality. I think it would be few and far between trained mental health specialist who would show judgment and if they did then there obviously not good at there jobs. I talked to my therapist about corresponding on this site and his stance is similar to what mine has started to become, understanding. I hope fear would not keep people from seeking help. Most therapists would surely want to help someone to keep from harming a child.

Sure there's no way to know someone's attraction if not acting on it, but my fear is what if a close friend of mine starts to realize who I am? Am I sure nobody already suspects? A friend of mine does already suspect.
I'm trying to normalize being in love with a 12 year old and my close friends see nothing wrong with it...but it's because it's a genuine love, I actually feel very depressed and I'm not sleeping at night
because I know she's going through a big loss and I'm just sitting here, powerless, not able to help her in any way. My friends see it as an okay thing because they see a good person in me.
Or maybe they find nothing wrong with me because they don't know that mine is a recurrent thing, that I actually look at young girls instead of women my age all the time and that I might even feel attracted to girls as young as 9 - not in love with them as they're emotionally too immature, but physically attracted, yes. They just dont know all about me, I keep the most intimate things to myself. They're only seeing one side of the coin, but I'm afraid they'll eventually suspect something's going on.
Unfortunately, fear is always present in a pedophile's life: fear of society, fear of friends and family finding out and fear of losing them, fear of eventually being unable to resist an urge, fear of being unhappy because of who we are, fear of being arrested or killed by some psycho...how many pedophiles receive death threats?? Too many.
Fear is like our best friend, it walks behind us, like a shadow haunting us...

Let me start with @Naxal;
These considerations you bring up are valid to a point, society's reaction to abuse does cause an amplification of pain, but there is absolutely still pain inflicted by the acts themselves. Even if, for the sake of argument there wasn't, and the only pain was brought on by society at large...we still live in that society. Therefore, the pain will still be inflicted, and I feel as though that point is left behind in your posts.

Ok, now for my part. This is my first post to this site, I only found it today. When I first realized I had these attractions it made for a chaotic couple of months. My work suffered (and I would lose my job in 2 months for poor performance) and I retreated away from others while I sorted things out in my mind. That was 3 years, 11 months ago. I've come to terms with my own identity, which has been easier knowing that I've never molested anyone. Until today I've never mentioned it to anybody else either, and my friends, family and fiance have no clue. I have always been a fairly solitary person, so keeping a secret was never a big deal, though it can be a little difficult when you constantly have to make an excuse to not watch your friend's children so they won't leave them alone with you. That's not to say I'm worried I would assault them, I can't imagine them as victims, but I figure at some point my secret will be out and I want to be able to assure this family that I never even had an opportunity to harm them.

Naxal321 wrote:

Mind'n'Ruins wrote:I'd like to tell you how pedophilia has affected my life as a victim. I am a 23 year old woman i was molested my a family member for years and guilted and shamed into hiding this as to not "hurt" the rest of my family. This has deeply impacted my mental health. As a child, I learned that this was something I was supposed to do, something "normal". This opened me up to others prying on me, already beaten down and prepared for anyones abuse. I felt like a magnet for sexual Predators, and I blamed myself. I was filled with shame and self-hatred, I started using heavily using drugs at 12 years old and have attempted suicide on two occasions. I put myself in abusive relationships and dangerous situations time and time again. As an adult I still live with constant daily flashbacks that lead to a deep depression. Anything as simple as a certain cartoon, some movies, songs, bird calls, or just hearing a stranger be called by his name sends me spiraling down. Its caused me sexual dysfunction, I have flash backs, freak outs and break down out of nowhere while engaging in normal loving sexual situations with my partner. I have a child now, I live with constant overwhelming paranoia. I cannot trust anyone, to think anyone I trust could be as deceiving as this man was to my family or did they just turn a blind eye? Can i trust them with my child or will she fall into this blind spot as well? I cant go anywhere in public with out over analyzing every look in her direction, leaving if anyone approaches her. I spend hours dwelling reading cases online, watching to catch a predator, and memorizing the faces on the sex offender list. My life has been consumed, i'd like to think as time went on i could look forward to some relieve, but so far as the years pass the pain increases.

First of all, the majority of child molesters are not pedophiles, so the statement that pedophilia affected your life in this manner is dubious.

Second, do you think you would still feel these negative emotions if our society did not treat people who had sex as children with adults as "ruined goods", and all sexual contact between children and adults inherently harmful and abusive? There are many cultures without a taboo on child sexuality where children engage in consensual sexual activity with adults and other children with no ill effect- the Tahitians are a prime example. In many cases, it is not the sex itself which is psychologically traumatizing to children, but society's reaction to the sex, and the child's internalization of sex-negative social constructs. For instance:

Nelson's relationship marked "the happiest period of [her] life." "When I was a child I experienced an ongoing incestuous relationship that seemed to me to be caring and beneficial in nature. There were love and healthy self-actualization in what I perceived to be a safe environment. Suddenly one day I discerned from playground talk at school that what I was doing might be "bad". Fearing that I might, indeed, be a "bad" person, I went to my mother for reassurance. The ensuing traumatic incidents of that day inaugurated a 30-year period of psychological and emotional dysfunction that reduced family communication to mere utilitarian process and established severe limits on my subsequent developmental journey." [She was 8 at the time]

Full citation: Nelson, J. A. (1982). "The impact of incest: Factors in self-evaluation," in L. L. Constantine & F. M. Martinson (Eds.), Children and Sex: New Findings, New Perspectives. Boston: Little, Brown & Co.

I would also like to point out that cases such as your own which lead to severe psychological dysfunction are very rare. The vast majority of people who have sex as children with adults do not experience permanent psychopathology:

This book will be disturbing to many readers. The assumption that all children are "damaged" by their experiences is challenged by Kilpatrick's finding that 38% of the adult respondents reported the sexual experiences as children to be "pleasant" while only 25% reported them to be "unpleasant." Kilpatrick also found that, although the majority of the women stated that the experience was initiated by the partner, for many (23% of the children 0-14 years and 39% of adolescents 15-17 years) the women reported having been the initiator. Another surprising finding was that only 4% of the respondents reported that they would have liked to have had counseling.

"Long-Range Effects of Child and Adolescent Sexual Experiences Positive Review", Allie C. Kilpatrick.

"The self-reported effects data contradict the conclusions or implications presented in previous literature reviews that harmful effects stemming from CSA are pervasive and intense in the population of persons with this experience. Baker and Duncan (1985) found that, although some respondents reported permanent harm stemming from their CSA experiences (4% of males and 13% of females), the overwhelming majority did not (96% of males and 87% of females). Severe or intense harm would be expected to linger into adulthood, but this did not occur for most respondents in this national sample, according to their self-reports, contradicting the conclusion or implication of intense harm stemming from CSA in the typical case. Meta-analyses of CSA-adjustment relations from the five national studies that reported results of adjustment measures revealed a consistent pattern: SA respondents were less well adjusted than control respondents. Importantly, however, the size of this difference (i.e., effect size) was consistently small in the case of both males and females. The unbiased effect size estimate for males and females combined was ru = .08, which indicates that CSA, assuming that it was responsible for the adjustment difference between SA and control respondents, did not produce intense problems on average."

Rind, Bruce & Tromovitch, Philip (1997). "A meta-analytic review of findings from national samples on psychological correlates of child sexual abuse," Journal of Sex Research, 34, 237-255.

What are you trying to say here?

That sex between minors and adults is OK?

I find this reasoning abhorrent.

Sex between adults and children is never OK. Children are not fully developed sexual beings. It can never be an equal, mutually enjoyed sexual relationship. Ever. Not until the child is fully grown and can give consent.

As someone who has been molested, I can tell you, there are lasting negative effects. No one wants their first sexual experience to be with their father or older brother. It interrupts the child's development and is an unforgiveable breach of trust. It ruins lives. Stop making excuses.

ElKahn wrote:How did finding out you're a pedophile change your life? When did it happen and how?

Does anybody around you know or suspect about it? What do you do/say to hide it?

I have always like younger girls. When I was about 8, I was mainly interested in 3-6 year olds. This age preference remained steady until I graduated high school(2004), when I was a senior in high school my age preference had only increased by a few years. Now as a 30 year old, my age preference is from about 3-11 years old. None, of my family or friends know or suspect anything about me being a pedophile. I have never had to say anything to hide it, because it has never come up in conversation.

I'm still not sure if I'm a pedophile. Pedophilia seems to be about age, while my sexuality is all about an alienation with gender and dimorphism. It's easy to fall into comfort places like lolicon because they're so common in anime and things like that.

When you've never been attracted to fertility or puberty, it's really easy to fall back onto anime and things like that when it so often caters to you and has a culture built around sexually fulfilling things that make you happy. It's easy to not worry about things, trying to find someone like a genderqueer person who is petite and small shoulders and a flat chest hips that aren't wide, or other secondary sex characteristics. Who has a nice personality and you get along with. Than to just play an RPG or other parts of the anime community.

I feel like, um, I guess I feel like pedophilia changed me, if I am a pedophile, by helping me want to withdraw from society. I've withdrawn into escapism and got very lost in fantasy worlds like in video games. I seek fulfillment playing pretend and dreaming of things because reality, or at least parts or expectations of it, are a burden. In an MMORPG, I can be an adult loli and live my life like that. I can keep up with and support lolis and video games with loli characters.

When the so called "reality" I've been born into is so overwhelming and alienating and a burden in some ways. It's much easier to fall into escapism and try to build new worlds of belonging, where you're not a monster, to cope with and enjoy life. If you think about it, something like Pokemon or Final Fantasy XIV, or lolicon anime communities, are kind of like trying to build another shared reality. They say that entertainment doesn't exist in a vacuum, that it's a part of the real world, too. It makes it feel important. That I can support something I love. The part of me that is a lolicon. I feel very alive when I'm playing as a Lalafell in Eorzea. Or when I'm among other Pokemon fans. Enjoying imagination and ideals of what things can be.

It feels more like being a part of a group and a struggle when being a part of fandoms like supporting lolis. And knowing you're not the only one. I can make you feel like less of a monster. At least, when others aren't telling you that you're a monster. I can buy games with lolis in them and support them by buying copies. I can take part in surveys and support my favourite characters. I can play as a loli in video games. It's easy to get caught up in escapism and fantasy, and fandoms and things, this way.

And.. I guess I discovered I was a pedophile around the age of 11 or so? Whenever I started going though puberty. Even as a child, it's easy to know that attraction to other children is considered wrong and pedophilia. That you're supposed to be sexually attracted to secondary sex characteristics and you're supposed to be happy with what puberty was doing to your body. But I was horrified by puberty. Everything about what it did to my body and other people's bodies was alienating to me. So I thought I was a pedophile. When the other kids are becoming so excited about puberty and things like breasts, and you're not. You know that something went wrong and you're different.

It feels like a sexual orientation. The best I understand it sounds similar to what people with heterosexuality or homosexual go through. But I'm not sure because people say it's offensive to say that pedophilia is a sexual orientation similar to homosexuality. I don't quite get sexual orientation and why attraction to genders is seen as so legitimate and not shallow. And I've always been alienated by gender. It feels like, at my best, the closest thing I have to a sexuality is shallow things, attraction to body types. And at worst, pedophilia. Because, for me, sadly, the only thing I've attracted to is a prepubescent body type. A body type that doesn't have secondary sex characteristics or sexual dimorphism.

Life has been filled with alienation and confusing and not knowing what to do because of this. I try my best to find ways to express myself and who I am, and this part of myself. But I don't want to be seen as a pedophile, so I'm always very careful. Just telling other people I'm attracted to flat chests is scary and difficult. And I often wonder if it's ever appropriate to share this part about myself. People get offended, or grossed out just by saying things like this. Or will feel it is objectifying and shallow and inappropriate. It makes me feel gross. It makes me feel lewd and inappropriate. I'm not really sure what to do and how to express myself and what ways are okay. It's also easy to have a calling card on the internet. A posting style. It's hard not to post in a way that reflects your personality. And when you have unusual feelings, just your sexuality can be a calling card. And it's so easy to be bullied on the internet. And hard to hide who you are, sometimes it feels best just to hide.

While it seems like, lots of people want to hear about how people like big butts, and they can't lie. It seems like more people become uncomfortable if they hear you like DFC. Some people seem to become very upset hearing the word DFC.

I have a few real life friends. And they're actually aware of an okay with the fact I'm a lolicon it would seem. And they seem to be okay with the body type I'm attracted to, though some of them it seems like feel is gender denialist. But they don't treat me as a monster. One of my friends is a transman who I feel like is uncomfortable with my views on gender. He believes in a lot of gender essentialist things, and I feel like he's uncomfortable with me in some ways about gender.

ElKahn wrote:How did finding out you're a pedophile change your life? When did it happen and how?

Does anybody around you know or suspect about it? What do you do/say to hide it?

Well, as I was growing up, I noticed I kept "behind" in comparison, in many psychological ways. See, I hate to see when people suffer and all these things. However, if I weren't a pedophile... I honestly don't know if I would at least try to understand their position or not. Especially from those who hate theirselves (like I did at some point); I don't know if I'd have been in position of "hearing" or just avoid or report. Though the pedophile topic isn't the only thing I agree with that most others doesn't, no matter if majority thinks or not the contrary; either political, cultural, etc.

Only people actually knows that I'm pedophile are you (obviously), the people who wants to catch me and spend monitoring my internet traffic all the time, and some of friends I have across the internet (everybody from my game dev team knows, by the way).

For me, if I even truly have hebephilia, which I'm questioning right now, it has definitely affected me in a negative way. To put it very simply, it has made me extremely paranoid, depressed, and anxious all the time.

It's not really affected me at all except in the catalogue pages I jack off to, the knick knacks I buy the forums I use etcetera.

I have a hard enough time talking to women my age so I don't think I could approach a child.

I sincerely believe that my stance on children exploring their sexuality would be the same if I weren't a pedophile.

I literally became a professional at seducing and befriending young children just to achieve the goal of eventually having sexual contact with them. I was very depressed when I was active with children and I made up that if I was sexually active with a child that I wouldn't be depressed anymore and I was just extremely selfish in my way of thinking. I enjoyed the contact so much that I was locked into a pattern of being a complete monster. I knew it was bad and I knew how it affected the children but I didn't care.

Even though I was very active with children sexually. I hated myself and who I was. After prison I wanted so badly to kill myself because I thought I couldn't be truly happy without having sexual contact with children but I eventually got over that and not having contact with children I have accepted my pedophilia more than I ever have. I know that I will never be active with kids again and I am cool with that but I know that I will be a pedophile until the day that I die and I totally embrace who and what I am.