13 year old daughter needs help

Hi, to all here!
I was on this site years ago, when my daughter was first diagnosed with ODD at age 5. It was such a relief to know that I was not alone and that there is an actual disorder to explain her behavior. At that time, she was put on Wellbutrin and because she made so much improvement for a year on the meds, we thought she must be cured... WRONG!
She is now 13 and if you have an ODD child, you understand what the past 8 years have been like. I am divorced 7 years but am now engaged to a man who is just overwhelmed by the whole thing. But he's remaining supportive (must be a saint)!
So, here is what's happened lately that has brought us to the current desparate situation:
We moved from California to San Antonio before her 7th grade year. She had been a straight A student in Cali but after the move, she was failing. Her story was that she hated me for moving, hated her school, hated the people (she'd told me what it would be like if I moved her, so here was her proof of carrying out the threat). We started discussing moving back to California about 3/4 through the school year. She changed her tune... said she would commit suicide if we moved back-now she loved Texas. Well, the last 1/4 of last school year, she brought up her grades enough to pass. I'm trying to make this story as short as possible!...
Anyway, in the past year, she's filed a false case against my fiance with CPS because she got pissed at him for physically making her go to her room (they closed it after they saw what was happening), I have desperate emails from teachers, extremely questionable friends, cutting herself, manipulation beyond words, suicide threats, physical threats toward me and my son, and last week suspension from school for fighting (the first week of school!). I have given up! We just can't live like this anymore! My finace has moved back to California for work and we need to move, but I am terrified to move her for fear of, as in her words, "how much worse it will be next time" if we move again. Sometimes I feel like I can handle it (on the good days when she chooses to be happy) and on other days I can hardly stand to look at her. We have been to so many "therapists". She refuses to go to anymore.
She cooperates for about 3 visits... Now she says she WILL NOT GO. At this point, I feel like I need to put her inpatient for a 30 "evaluation" or send her to a residential Academy out of state for a year. And I can't fathom having to think about moving...! I am just so exhausted... she gets away with too much because I just don't have any more energy to fight. Friends and family tell us: you're the parents-take control! No #%*# we're the parents! What good does that do when the child has ODD and is bigger than you, eh?!
Anyway, I guess I am just looking for support and advice, experience on what's worked for parents in my position!
Thanks for reading my novel!
God bless to you!
Nicole

Nicole,
I'm glad that you realize that things are starting to get out of control and that it's not your fault. I just would like to reiterate that it's not her fault, mental illness is no one's fault and she likely has little control right now. You mentioned that you were considering residential treatment, if you'd like I could give you some links to some nice places. It's a hard choice, I considered placement for 2 years and became obsessed with all the centers. What type of program would you like? Is there any insurance/HMO you'd like it to accept? Are you ok with an out-of-state place?

It sounds like she's becoming at risk (cutting, suicide threats, physical threats, fighting, failing) and it's important to intervene as soon as possible. Has she ever been tested for borderline personality? It's a very common mental illness in which people experience difficulty with self-injury, manipulation, anger, suicidal ideation, depression, intence relationships, seeing people as all good or all bad, projecting their emotions on to someone else (Example I can't be angrey so you must be angry), fear of abandonment, impulsivness, defiance, and relationships. People with BPD also tend to be very bright.

If you'd ever like to talk I'd love to talk with you, my email adress is urgodandiamnot@hotmail.com
Thanks,
Jennifer G.

Hi, Jennifer.
Thank you for responding to my posting at the psych forum!
You are actually the second person who has mentioned BPD. It does fit.
She is very bright and does see people as all good or bad,
but the ODD is a definite!
I have been looking at Meadowlark Academy in Kansas. We actually have
an appointment for "pick up" on Thursday, but I may cancel tomorrow.
All of these people around me, family and friends, are making me question
myslef so that I am just so overwhelmed and don't know what to do.
My aunt gave me the phone number for a friend psychiatrist here in town and
she is, thank God, getting me in tomorrow! I have cried, prayed, screamed,
and cried some more... I still have this doubt that I just haven't done enough here...
On one hand, I feel like out of state residential treatment is the ONLY answer,
then I think - well, we've made some progress, so I should just try to continue
on here. I fear, though, that it may be to the detriment of my sanity and my
10 year old son. I am an absolute wreck and have become robotic.
I just don't know ... prayer is about the only thing that is keeping me from
losing my mind completely.
Thanks for listening anyway. I will let you know how it goes with the psych
tomorrow...
Sincerely,
Nicole

It seems like you're doing everything in your power and I hope it goes well with the new psychiatrist. If you choose to send her to medowlark it looks like a nice program, every student keeps a B average. Tell me how everything goes
~Jennifer

The psychiatrist agrees that we have a big problem.
We are going to try to treat, what is the classic ODD,
with drugs and intense therapy before we send her
to an out of state facility. Although the psych agreed
that the facility may be best, I think it's me that's having
the hardest time with letting her go.
In the past week, since I have been such a basket
case, my daughter has sensed that something is
going on and has been on her best behavior! Go
figure, manipulating again! HA So, I have told my
daughter I will give this one last chance on the
homefront and see...
Thank God for this site and all the support - I think
y'all may have just saved my sanity by a thread!
For all those parents who have an ODD child out there:
you are not alone and keep on searching for the
best answer for your particular child! It won't get
better on its own and you have to be strong but
IT IS POSSIBLE!
I will keep posting our progress!...
Nicole

Look into Neurofeedback as well. It can most certainly help.
http://www.eeginfo.org

I was in the same boat as you with my son. This program really helped turn things around:

http://www.squidoo.com/total-transformation

Edited upon request

Whenever she threatens to hurt herself or others you should immediately take her to be screened by the psychiatrist on staff at the nearest hospital ER who can then make treatment recommendations. (In most states it is the law and not doing so would be medical neglect.) If she continues to refuse therapy and meds then a higher level of care (residential) may be necessary.

She cannot adapt to adult life by simply threatening to harm herself whenever she does not get her way. That is why you want to nip this in the bud now...

This program is effective:
http://www.squidoo.com/total-transformation

I have a 14 year old daughter and we have been through many of the same changes you have talked about. She has been seeing therapists since the first grade but up until this past year no one has even been willing to discuss a diagnosis. She has been mistakenly medicated for ADHD which did NOT help and now for borderline personality disorder and depression. Part of the issue has been her father's refusal to give her the meds while she is with him. We have suffered thru the rages and refusal to follow rules but her grades have hit an all time low and having increased reports of defiance at school. She did spend a week in a psychiatric center due to cutting instances and suicide threats. Today was the first time I had heard of ODD and was wondering if anyone knows the difference between this and the BPD? I am completely alone and no one seems to understand how difficult this is on a daily basis. My 12 year old daughter is becoming more and more isolated trying to stay out of the conflict. I know all single mothers have it hard but I feel things have been much harder than they should be. I hope I am not coming across as whining I was just so relieved to find a place where I could talk and people might actually understand.