Feel like ending it all over OCD guilt

it is true that i don't like keeping things from people. but i suppose if everyone revealed what goes through their minds at times, well lets just say its best they didn't. i dont think i could reveal what goes through my head to anyone but a therapist, but now ive become afraid im going to blurt it out to say my boyfriend or someone else, whilst drunk or otherwise. for now, i prefer to keep these things to myself. these forums help because even writing EVERYTHING out ( i did that on another forum, went into detail of my thoughts) and afterwards i felt relief. confessing is one of my compulsions because i need reassurance. reassurance that this person will stay with me no matter what. but i think revelaing this to my boyfriend would put him in a position even i would not like to be put in.
the only time i would tell him is say a long time after i have gotten over my OCD, i would probably tell him then, when i am in a better state of mind. when i have had therapy. when our relationship has grown.

i feel guilty because i feel my thoughts are very morally wrong. it disturbs me. the things that go through my head are the things i desperately never want to think about. i think they are morally wrong because of the people involved and the actions involved. like, right now, my intrusive thoughts are incorporating ALL my fears into one. so beastiality, plus my family/boyfriends family plus anyone i see, teachers, friends, people in the street, necrophilia, unnatural sexual acts, homosexuality, old people, paedophilia, babies, the LOT. the things you should not think about. and it incorporates them into all kinds of scenarios. like a couple of them together. these are things i have feared thinkign about because i feel it makes me a bad person and just having the thoughts alone makes me so guilty. i must add that after reading up more i am very disappointed in myself because if i had just accepted the menial thoughts at the start they would not have expanded in my mind like this and these awful thoughts i have had would not have come to be.

im scared by other peoples judgements. i imagine telling my boyfriend or family, what my thoughts are and i can imagine their reactions of horror and disgust and everything. i feel guilty because what is involved in my thoughts is to me morally and ethically wrong. obviously the only person i want any sexual thoughts about in a good way is my boyfriend. i also have this obsession that what if they die? and i have to sit there and know i got these intrusive thoughts about them in such horrid positions? they can be so disgusting and weird and unnatural and so sick that i just dont know how to feel about myself anymore. im scared of them dying for some reason because that to me would make my guilt so extreme. i dont know if anyone could maybe explain that one? thats a fear of mine.

i believe after having these thoughts i dont feel as pure or as in control as i want to be. i feel its my fault because i let them in. i let my guard down. sometimes i think i think them deliberatley. i feel guilty because the people involved are so nice and i mean i want to impress them, i want them to like me, i want to have good relationships with these people (particularly my boyfriends family) and this is ruining it because i just think what if they knew? sometimes when my boyfriends around a voice in my head is saying i got intrusive thoughts about your family, and sometimes it will go into detail about what i thought, and it makes me remember and again i feel guilty because i dont think these thoughts are right or moral or NORMAL even, not even natural. they are the complete opposites. i try to remind myself that its what happens in the world, your actions that matter the most. obviously as i dont want to think things like this it means i amnt a bad person. but i still feel guilty. its a vicious cycle!

Please try to see your doctor. Any doctor. Can you call around and find a place that will get you in sooner?
If there is a chemical imbalance in your brain, than no amount of will power is going to make those thoughts go away. You can't have cancer or some other disease and "will" yourself to get better.

Even the slightest variation in a person's genes can contribute to the development of a disease. OCD is a disease. They are studying to see if certain infections contribute as well. Would you feel so guilty if you found out that you had an infection that caused an immune response, resulting in you developing OCD? Have you heard of PANDAS? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PANDAS

ella123 wrote:i also have this obsession that what if they die?...im scared of them dying for some reason because that to me would make my guilt so extreme. i dont know if anyone could maybe explain that one? thats a fear of mine.

Is it a superstitious idea that if you think about someone dying and then the person does die, that means you were the cause? Superstitions can be hard to shake even after we outgrow them, especially with OCD.

ella123 wrote:i believe after having these thoughts i dont feel as pure or as in control as i want to be. i feel its my fault because i let them in. i let my guard down. sometimes i think i think them deliberatley.

Thought happens of itself; that's what makes consciousness possible. Your thoughts need to be free. You don't have to act on them, but neither do you have to hold onto them. You said you felt relieved when you wrote them out. Try writing them in a private journal, using cryptography (or some medium of expression meaningful only to you) if you fear exposing them to others. A therapeutic journal would also help you to articulate your thoughts in preparation for confession or discussion.

4horsegal wrote:They are studying to see if certain infections contribute as well. Would you feel so guilty if you found out that you had an infection that caused an immune response, resulting in you developing OCD?

Hmm...that sounds like a stretch, although some parasites have been known to cause strange thoughts and irrational thought patterns. But are you talking about an autoimmune disease of the nervous system?

Ella, I'm not sure about any possible somatic cause, but since anxiety sufferers are especially sensitive to excitotoxic effects, you might take note of any sudden irritability or excitability after eating a particular food or taking a particular drug. And though I'm no doctor, I would advise you not to drink away your anxiety if you're afraid of losing control. That could lead to the opposite extreme, as you must know.

Why does it sound like a stretch? The brain can be affected by all sorts of diseases. My grandfather developed schizophrenia immediately after getting Scarlet fever. Just because the research isn't there yet doesn't mean there isn't something else going on. I developed OCD at an extremely young age. Normal healthy children do not spend all their time ritualizing! The wrong genes+ the wrong environmental exposure = disease. Look at cancer. If you have bad genes and are exposed to carcinogens or smoke you get cancer while some people exposed to the same things won't. Certain viruses can cause cancer. Why would it be such a stretch for certain viruses/bacteria to cause OCD?

For example, a theory on schizophrenia:

The possible mechanisms of action that have been postulated for this putative schizophrenogenic neuronal damage have included (1) direct action of the virus on the CNS; (2) release of neurotoxins; (3) autoimmune response triggered by the virus and directed at the CNS; and (4) integration of the viral genome into neuronal DNA

http://www.bjmp.org/content/role-chroni ... chiatric-a

My symptoms started to show at a very young age, too, but since my mother has all the signs as well (though our obsessions aren't all the same) it's hardly surprising. She was the most influential adult in my life both biologically and psychosocially. And I never denied the genetic influence of viruses, because in a way, genes are just naked viruses.

I've read "The Insanity Virus" (re: schizophrenia) and I can't say I was shocked by the implication, but that's because schizophrenia is marked by delusions and commonly hallucinations,...hmmm, but then, some OCD sufferers' thoughts seem no more rational than the most familiar shizophrenic delusions. One woman was preoccupied with the idea that her husband would die if she didn't put on her clothes in a certain order. What if the only difference between irrational obsessions and paranoid delusions is lucidity?

Though I doubt the OP will agree, I'm borrowing this from another thread just in case.

Chucky wrote:Yes, you can try this: Don't fight the thoughts. Just let them enter your head, process them, and do'nt tryt o push them away. Go for a walk and think about them if you feel up for that. With enough thought, you might reach some sort of compromise or understanding.

Kevin

Hi dear,

I just registered to be able to reply to your post. I would love it if you had a shorter way in dealing with your OCD than I had, therefore I wish to give you some support from my own experience. Please, if possible, get yourself the book "Overcoming Obsessive compulsive disorder" by David Veale and Rob Willson as soon as possible. It is ridiculous how this book helps. It explains OCD in a way that helps distancing oneself from these overwhelming thoughts of guilt and contains exercises that are practical help.

As for supplements, they can be extremely helpful, especially lithium orotate, omega 3 fish oil (3000-4000mg a day), magnesium, vit C, vit B12 and vitB6. Vit B12 has incredible results when one takes 1mg a day, which might be only achievable by injecting, but it is worth it. Only, if you wish to try any of this, except for the magnesium and vit C don't take any of those before sleeping, as it can give one bad dreams, although taken during the day works incredibly well. Self hypnosis and meditating works very well, too, and book work (writing about all your positive characteristics, talents etc... to increase self esteem, reflect about the mechanisms so that you create an analysing distance from it all etc...).

You may also want to check out if you have low ferritin levels or full blown anemia, which can increase OCD to a very high level. Simple iron treatment can work wonders, though be careful not t overdose but rather check it out with your GP. Bare in mind that your blood test results can come back "ok", but your ferritin levels can be too low nevertheless, which can increase anxiety and OCD as well. So if possible, ferritin levels should be explicitely checked as well. So much of OCD is body chemistry. Working out on a regular basis, swimming, martial arts, everything that is strengthening your body, releasing good body chemistry and making you feel strong, empowered and free, is amazing. I picked up fencing, with incredible results concerning OCD.

I had guilt OCD so badly that I was a whining little thing curling up into a ball on the floor. This is over now, and you can go there too.
See, the thing is this, especially about intrusive thoughts:

Not only people with OCD have intrusive thoughts. The truth is: EVERYBODY has intrusive thoughts, even of such nature as you discribed. The only difference between people with OCD and people without OCD is: people with OCD give meaning to such thoughts, whereas people without OCD don't!

See, the thing is: if everyone has such thoughts (which is true), and other people don't care about having them, but just let them pass through their mind and then move on to other things, yet you feel bad about them, this seems to show that you in fact care morally much more than others. Therefore, you are not a worse person than others; if anything, you are better because morally more aware.
However, to want to be morally perfect and have the perfect mind is the thing: no one is perfect. Imperfection does not mean one is bad, but that one is human. Learning, that is improving is philosophically speaking an essential part of living. We are not supposed to be perfect, we are supposed to be imperfect, so we can grow.

It is not morally bad to have such thoughts; it would be morally bad to find great what those thoughts are about. But your awareness and consciousness shows you are very aware of what is good or bad, and therefore, you are a good person. If anything, that kind of OCD implies that one takes the wish for moral perfection too far. And this is why you give such importance to thoughts that everyone else has, too, and that no one else cares about.

It is, in my opinion, very likely that the anxiety to be morally flawed is bringing up such thoughts in the first place. The more anxious you are to be morally wrong, the more such thoughts may increase to happen, leading you to think you have reason to worry. Nothing could be further from the truth, like I already said. Your overawareness shows how good a person yoou want to be. The thing is, you don't have to try, you already are. If you understand that these thoughts, or more, the intense guilt that follows such thoughts, are only a product of your anxiety not to be morally perfect, then you see one can only develope such things if one deeply cares to be a good person, which makes you a good person. I d not mean the more OCD you have the better a person you are, though. It is more, the way I experienced it myself, about worrying and fearing that one may do something wrong, or be wrong. The big question is, where does this desire of perfection come from...?

For me, it was due to my mother with Narcissistic personality disorder who had the habit to make me feel guilty for all kinds of things, even though they were normal. It can come from other things though; from any kind of pressure others apply to us on a moral-emotional level, like, we will only be acceptable and loveable if we are morally perfect. Certain kinds of religious, extreme points of view surely don't help. Although I am no atheist and believe in God, I think the church is sometimes very misled its viewpoints on sexuality and ethics.

I heard about a girl once who suffered from intrusive sexual thoughts. Her parents were extremely christian, and she was the prototype of a good girl, pearl earrings and everything. Yet, she was very passionate and sexual and would fall into fits of emotional and moral guilt for having sexually submissive tendencies (i.e. ravishment fantasies etc...) to the point where she would bash herself completely for this, although it is such an intense and beautiful thing. Unfortunately women in our society are still not supposed to be sexually as intense as men, although it is actually happening quite a lot.
In her case, the sexual intrusive thoughts she had and that took all kinds of forms, not only submissive ones, but all the kind of thoughts that you mention, came up because she felt her desires were wrong, and the OCD took it to further places so to speak, although there was nothing wrong with her. In other words, the intrusive thoughts mirrored the severeness of conflict, or the level of perversion she regarded her own passions to be, if that makes sense. It is like, the intrusive thoughts can be symbols or metaphors for something one feels bad about.I would never dare to say that is the case for everyone or for you, I don't know you and it might be different. I just mention it because it made sense to me, so I thought I mention it.

So a useful question might be: what or who gave you the feeling that you have to be perfect in that particular way in the first place...? We all want to be loved, and we have the right to. It is a basic human right. If anything or anyone was responsible for making us feel selfconscious and guilty for things, it is not our responsibility, but theirs. We were alright in the first place, and we still are.

I think that guilt OCD is basically taking too much responsibility, in fact a responsibility that is not ours, but originally comes from another place. Even if there was one event in your life where one felt one actually hurt someone, one's overreaction to moral issues that one is dealing with now is perhaps not coming from this event but again from other situations where one was made to feel morally flawed. Please, never forget that when it comes to people accusing us of things, it is not uncommon for them to do so because they want to shift their blame from themselves to others to find some moral relief, and therefore burden you with an overawareness and feeling of guilt that is originally not yours, but theirs. It happens a lot.

There is a very insightful article about "responsibility OCD" (yes, it has its own term), this is the link, perhhaps it is helpful. http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson2.php

Intrusive thoughts can actually come up in the first place because one feels one does not deserve to be happy. It is like a stop sign, or a punishment for feeling good. Well, I think it can *** off, everyone deserves to be happy. If this should apply to you in some way, that the intrusive thoughts or anxiety appears more often when or after you experienced great happiness, I wish to tell you that this does go away; even if it feels sometimes that it won't, it will. The key for me was to keep doing what makes you happy, and not allow for the OCD to basically, "keep you at bay". It is as if the OCD wants to tell you "Know your place and be grateful". Well, I've got news for OCD, it does not work this way. If someone tells us something, it does not automatically mean it is right. If OCD wants to tell us something, we can be pretty sure the OCD is actually wrong. Only thing is, when one goes on having a good time regardless of OCD, one maybe should take it one step at the time, thus expanding the rubber band slowly, getting used to it, and not from 0 to 100 in ten seconds. But the intrusive thoughts will become less.

You see, I am no psychologist and I would never say I know exactly what this is all about; all I wish to do is to ease things for you a bit, if possible, because I had to find out all these things for myself, and that was a long, hard way. I did have support from my fiance, though, and that helped incredibly much.

I remember one exercise from the book I mentioned that helped me more than anything, although it seems quite challenging: It is the idea of confrontation. Maybe you heard about this; it is the theory that OCD becomes weaker and weaker the more you expose yourself to it. I found this to be totally true. For example, I read about a person who had the guilt compulsion to stare at people's privates and felt like dying because of this. His/her task was to actually do this on purpose. By taking action you stop being the victim and take back real, healthy responsibility. The more one exposes oneself, the smaller the compulsion will become, and you end up taking the pressure off the compulsion and being able not to do, look think or whatever it is. In a way it is like: the more action yoou take in this, the more you will stop "having" to think such thoughts. Action is empowering. You stop being helpless and you get back in charge.

The stronger the feeling of trust in your moral self (by knowing that you know what is right and wrong, and that intrusive thoughts do not make you a bad person but are an anxiety overreaction) and the empowerment get, the more you will automatically step out of the helpless role, and the intrusive thoughts will disappear more and more. It is like creating a balance, whereas now, there is no balance, as the intrusive thoughts feel strong and you feel weak towards them. By taking action like in this exercise, you take the power away from the intrusive thoughts, you do it before they can do it. This makes them weaker and they will become less and less frequent. I know it sounds scary, but it works. The trick is not to feel guilty about taking action in this. Like, it is even worse to expose oneself to such things on purpose rather than having intrusive thoughts. But you don't do it to have fun, you do it to disarm the system of OCD, and that is a brave thing one should be proud of.

Another thing that can help is ridiculing the intrusive thoughts. This works pretty much like dealing with a boggart in Harry Potter, in case you are familiar with those stories: whenever an intrusive thought appears, turn it in your imagination into something hilarious and ridiculous. This will weaken it and make you stronger than it. It will lose its ability to scare you if you make it silly. JK Rowling knows a lot about psychology, I am so sure that connection is no coincidence. It does work.

I read about one thing one should seek to avoid, and I know it from my own experience: it is the "trap" of seeking reassurance from others that one is ok. It can for the moment release oneself from the guilt, but is usually followed by another guilt attack of something else or another intrusive thought. What happens is that one gets even more dependent of the moral judgement from outside by getting approval and reassurance from outside, whereas the cure is to self-empower and reclaim the moral responsibility (not self judgement) for oneself, trusting that one knows oneself what is right and wrong, and that one is a good person, and that one does not need others to tell one, and, basically, give one one's value. Other people are not morally better than oneself. They are NOT the highest instance of moral judgement. They might be wrong in what they are thinking, too. Being wrong is human. You are a good person, you know what is right or wrong yourself. One does not need others to be assured in this. The more one takes back the responsibility (in a healthy measure) without being overresponsible to the point of guilt, the more one disables the system of intrusive thoughts. It seems to be that a certain imbalance is the key to it all: the more one focuses on others, on the outer world, the more one gets disconnected from oneself and loses touch with one's own inner world, including trusting oneself with one's own thoughts and feelings. By focusing more on oneself, one disables that imbalance and creates a healthy balance between one's inner world and the outer world. One reclaims one's reign over one's own inner world, and over all its beauty and wealth and being flawed because it is natural, and because one is a human being. It is a beautiful feeling, full of self worth and pride.

I don't know how much all of this makes sense; I am not a native speaker and I hope what I mean is coming across the right way. I want to assure you that that feeling of being overwhelmed by these attacks of guilt will dissolve into thin air, just be patient and loving to yourself, look at yourself with warmth and compassion, you have a tough time and you don't deserve to be bashed more, but to be surrounded by love, care, understanding and compassion.

You are not alone, there are so many people in the world dealing with this - the sensitive, good ones, those who give a damn, and who are incredible people because they care. If they care "too much", it is, like I already said but can't emphasize enough, time for them to care more about themselves, and less about other people's judgement, perhaps. Caring a bit less about the outer world (judgement from outside, one's relation to the outer world, doing everything "right" etc...), and creating a balance by focusing on what is good for yourself, and what makes you happy. The happiness of other people is not more important than yours.

It can be a good thing to be a bit less perfectionistic, and such a relief and so freeing to let go of trying too hard, but instead granting oneself to be human and being proud of that wonderful heritage (because although sometimes they ***ed up big time, mankind came up with so many incredible, beautiful and exciting things as well), seeing the learning process of not being perfect in a philosophical way that has its own, quite heartmoving value, and generally being a bit more "pUnK". Not caring quite so much does not make one a bad person; it means one takes good care of oneself, and it is fun. And one can be sensitive and caring without taking it too far. I got over all this, and so can you. I wish you all the best in the world, value yourself highly, seperate yourself from those who don't or put your foot down, and be happy!:-)

goldenbutterfly

ella123 wrote:it is true that i don't like keeping things from people. but i suppose if everyone revealed what goes through their minds at times, well lets just say its best they didn't. i dont think i could reveal what goes through my head to anyone but a therapist, but now ive become afraid im going to blurt it out to say my boyfriend or someone else, whilst drunk or otherwise. for now, i prefer to keep these things to myself. these forums help because even writing EVERYTHING out ( i did that on another forum, went into detail of my thoughts) and afterwards i felt relief. confessing is one of my compulsions because i need reassurance. reassurance that this person will stay with me no matter what. but i think revelaing this to my boyfriend would put him in a position even i would not like to be put in.
the only time i would tell him is say a long time after i have gotten over my OCD, i would probably tell him then, when i am in a better state of mind. when i have had therapy. when our relationship has grown.

i feel guilty because i feel my thoughts are very morally wrong. it disturbs me. the things that go through my head are the things i desperately never want to think about. i think they are morally wrong because of the people involved and the actions involved. like, right now, my intrusive thoughts are incorporating ALL my fears into one. so beastiality, plus my family/boyfriends family plus anyone i see, teachers, friends, people in the street, necrophilia, unnatural sexual acts, homosexuality, old people, paedophilia, babies, the LOT. the things you should not think about. and it incorporates them into all kinds of scenarios. like a couple of them together. these are things i have feared thinkign about because i feel it makes me a bad person and just having the thoughts alone makes me so guilty. i must add that after reading up more i am very disappointed in myself because if i had just accepted the menial thoughts at the start they would not have expanded in my mind like this and these awful thoughts i have had would not have come to be.

im scared by other peoples judgements. i imagine telling my boyfriend or family, what my thoughts are and i can imagine their reactions of horror and disgust and everything. i feel guilty because what is involved in my thoughts is to me morally and ethically wrong. obviously the only person i want any sexual thoughts about in a good way is my boyfriend. i also have this obsession that what if they die? and i have to sit there and know i got these intrusive thoughts about them in such horrid positions? they can be so disgusting and weird and unnatural and so sick that i just dont know how to feel about myself anymore. im scared of them dying for some reason because that to me would make my guilt so extreme. i dont know if anyone could maybe explain that one? thats a fear of mine.

i believe after having these thoughts i dont feel as pure or as in control as i want to be. i feel its my fault because i let them in. i let my guard down. sometimes i think i think them deliberatley. i feel guilty because the people involved are so nice and i mean i want to impress them, i want them to like me, i want to have good relationships with these people (particularly my boyfriends family) and this is ruining it because i just think what if they knew? sometimes when my boyfriends around a voice in my head is saying i got intrusive thoughts about your family, and sometimes it will go into detail about what i thought, and it makes me remember and again i feel guilty because i dont think these thoughts are right or moral or NORMAL even, not even natural. they are the complete opposites. i try to remind myself that its what happens in the world, your actions that matter the most. obviously as i dont want to think things like this it means i amnt a bad person. but i still feel guilty. its a vicious cycle!

Dear Ella, about all that morbid stuff...-

I know this so well, this seems to be related to over-responsibity as well. Maybe fear of loss. These thoughts seem horrid and over the top, but they are not real, they are just illusions, and as weird as this may sound, they are not YOUR thoughts really, if that makes sense. Maybe it helps if I tell you a bit about my story so you can see that kind of stuff happens to people all the time, and you are not alone, and these thoughts are not real but just a symptom, and to be honest, they are useless nonsense that one cannot take seriously:

I had been told in the past by my mother that if I don't do as she wishes, she would die or kill herself. Now, I don't know what it is for you that causes that morbid aspect, maybe nothing in particular. But I just felt like sharing this with you, not to depress you, but on the contrary, to show you that you have nothing to worry about. These intrusive thoughts may be scary but they are an illusion.

See, what happened for me, for example, was, that out of envy my mother wanted to break me and my fiance up, and threatened me with her suicide. I cut off contact with her so I could be with my man, and it was worth it. One day my fiance and I had a great time together and went out, and all of a sudden I had these intrusive thoughts of quite a sexual nature about me desecrating my grandmother's grave (necrophelia, basically.).

Now, I know I am not crazy or dangerous, nor did I ever have incestuous tendencies. I am a normal girl, and I loved my grandmother. I realised however what that was: this intrusive thought was my mother's voice telling me it was bad of me to have a nice time with my man, and that it would mean being disrespectful to a relative and potentially lead to her death. Basically, the sexual connotation of the intrusive thought or image was to do with me being with my man, even though we were just going out, and the grave bit had obviously to do with my mother's suicidal threats. In a nutshell, the thought wanted to tell me: if I am a sexual individual and living it, I am committing an act of desecrating the honour of my family andbasically finishing them off, trying to make me feel guilty for it.

So, this thought was something that came up as a mechanism. As I had cut off contact with her, I could not hear her real voice anymore, thank God, but like learning a foreign language, I still had that pattern in my head. So my mind created something that would keep me away from doing what I wanted (being with my fiance), basically to scare me off of living a fulfilled life, like my mother once had tried to. Luckily, I can see the connections, and recognise where it all comes from, and to be honest, to be able to find out where it all comes from helps so so much. Dealing with it intellectually creates the emotional distance that one needs to destroy that pattern. Because that is all: it's a construct, and therefore can be destabilised and destroyed.

This is quite complex, isn't it? If it wasn't so stressful to have such things, it would be fascinating. But the key is to realise that these intrusive thoughts are not one's own thoughts nor connected in any way to one's own, real, moral self. It usually seems to come from somewhere else, I think. Now, it is all about peeling off that skin one has somehow adapted, of (false) beliefs about oneself, and to release the real, beautiful self, and trust in it. I hope so much the example I gave is not too outfreaking; however, I thought it might help you to know that not only you have intrusive thoughts of somewhat disturbing character, and also that these thoughts are, excuse my French, just a lot of b*ll***t.

Again, I wish to stress that I am not implying that you have similar reasons for the intrusive thoughts to take this shape that you mentioned, for all I know it could be all completely different. But maybe a bit of a more detailled case study, so to speak, is interesting. Like bad air in a room, these thoughts are uncomfortable, but they are, at the end of the day, substanceless and weak compared to your own strong individual personality. Never forget, you are beautiful inside, and although the intrusive thoughts happen inside your head, this does not mean you are not beautiful inside. They are called intrusive for a reason: they come from outside. These thoughts are not really your thoughts, in a way they have nothing to do with you. I have been free of intrusive thoughts for a long time now; so don't despair, they won't stay.

May I just say, ella, when you say you feel you don't do well enough in keeping those thoughts at bay, you allowed them perhaps etc..., this is very much bashing yourself and putting yourself down.

Having such thoughts can be quite bad for the self esteem anyway, and if you see you cannot fight them with your willpower, you will feel even worse. So this is not the right way as it spirals you down more and more in feeling bad about yourself, and inadequate, until you are only focused on that, and don't see the good, impressive things about yourself anymore. Now, what does work is to shift the responsibility for those thoughts away from yourself. You did not ask for these thoughts, so you are not responsible for them. Shift the blame from yourself to where it really belongs: be it people, or stress, or depression, or an unalanced bodychemistry. Whatever causes those thoughts for you.

Also, this whole thing is not about control. There is, also, nothing to be scared about with regard to having no control, in general or with regard to intrusive thoughts. The reason why there's nothing to be scared of is that, when one approaches it from a completely different angle (using certain exercises and techniques rather than trying with willpower), these thoughts are ridiculously weak.

So, if you try to repress them by willpower, that usually won't work, but that is not your fault. Intrusive thoughts are a mechanism that psychologically works somehow, and this is why repressing them or mentally fighting against them does not work: like trying to push a strong metal construction with your bare hands won't be the right thing that will cause it to collapse and fall to the ground, no matter how hard you try; this may lead you to the thought that you are not strong enough, and therefore inadequate, or even guilty for not being strong enough. Your OCD might even try to tell you, you possibly have not tried hard enough, and subconsciously wanted not to succeed, which is another illusion and not true. The truth is: if you just remove one metal pole from a certain point of this construction, using much much less energy, the entire thing will collapse. This is why a pattern or mechanism needs to be more unhinged, rather than just "fought against" with willpower in a general way. It is all about the "how", not about the strength. It is aso about the mind learning the new mechanism of unhinging and all that goes with it, so this new mechanism can replace the unwanted pattern. And this does work.

You may perhaps want to try and recognise whenever you innerly bash yourself, for whatever, it does not even have to be related to intrusive thoughts. Try to replace these negative streams with positive ones. Once you get used to this and recignise whenever you are putting yourself down in your mind, your self esteem will encrease, thus you are a worse target for intrusive thoughts. The stronger you get the weaker they become, and I don't mean strong in being "proper" or perfect or having the willpower, but the fulfilling happy strength of loving yourself, being good to yourself, being the happiest girl you can be, because you deserve it. Don't bash yourself anymore. If someone did this to you in the past, realise how wrong they were, and fill yourself up with self care, compassion and love for yourself. If you start to feel anger towards whoever made you possibly inadequate, if there was someone like this, allow this anger, because you have the right to. Many people are scared of anger, but it is a healthy feeling. There is the saying, anger turned inwards is causing depression. You end up bashing yourself, although you should perhaps be angry at other people. Now, I don't know about you, and if this applies to you at all, maybe it doesn't. It is just an idea.

Please, try and keep relaxed and happy in the knowledge that this ***t can be overcome! You are not weak, you are strong (have you ever thought of the thousands and thousands of people with intrusive thoughts who never would have the guts to post what you shared with us...?;-)) Never lose faith in yourself (as corny as this may sound, this is the right moment to say it), and never despair!:-)

Much love

...just wish to say I am a bit sorry for making my posts so long, but it is a complex subject, and I find it tricky to cut it down...!

Ella, I know exactly what you are going through I have the same exact problem. I too was afraid to tell my fiance about my horrible thoughts about our daughter. Finally, I had enough of keeping everything bottled up inside. Without going into too much detail I told him the kinds of thoughts I was having. I was scared he would leave me and think I was a monster. To my surprise he was supportive and sympathetic. Now I can talk to him when I am having a day where my thoughts are becoming over whelming and it is nice to have someone to talk to. It actually feels like a weight has been lifted off the relationship now. Hope you the best.

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