Feel like ending it all over OCD guilt

Okay i have had two common types of intrusive thoughts. one was about children, the other my family. the children one, although still present in that the thoughts can still be there, i know it is OCD and am very ashamed of myself when thoughts come into my head.

My OCD is very guilt based. It attacks things it knows i will have unbearable guilt about. Like children. I dont want these disgusting lewd comments in my head whenever i see a child, the only good thing is it's got a lot better but some anxiety is still there. When I went through the phase of having intrusive thoughts about my family i thought, people like my mother and grandfather and grandmother and all sorts of horrendous things, i thought this is it my guilt cannot get any worse than this, i cannot think of anything in the world that could make me feel guiltier. then i realised that thinking of my boyfriends family would make me feel even guiltier.

i tried to fight the thoughts, but they just intruded. they were, i suppose normal thoughts, but weird, but i just tried so hard not to get them. the worst ones were about his grandfather (because i was getting them about my own) and that fear has stuck. i am scared of his grandfather! because i got really bad intrusive thoughts. which i tried to turn into my own grandfather but sometimes it didnt work, just to relieve the guilt.

so now, because my mind has expanded, it is just not stopping with the sexual thoughts. i had really bad intrusive thoughts about incest in my family, not to do with me, and now its turned to his family. like i will think i bet his sitster doesnt get sick thoughts about her with her mother or grandfather. then the image will come into my head. or i say i bet he doesnt think about being gay with his own grandfather. then the image will intrude. i know it sounds awful but i am so against this stuff it is unreal. it is my worst nightmares, they are horrible thoughts. they are immoral and wrong and i dont want them. whilst typing this, my brain came up with more DISGUSTING ideas for thoughts such as my family with his. sickening and disgusting. this is getting to a point where im becoming suicidal about these thoughts because the guilt i experience is so extreme.

i think about how its going to be when they die and i know i got sick intrusive thoughts about them (especially my grandfather and his) and this adds to my guilt. i have a doctors appointment in october but until then i dont know what to do. this has been going on for a week now and i feel down every morning when i wake up. i feel so guilty around his family now. i feel i amnt worthy of being with him.
i also get to scared im going to confess to him. he is amazing but i know he wouldnt be understanding. i mean, a lot of people dont understand OCD. he knows i get horrible sexual thoughts, and he knows ive had them about my family. but to tell him that ive had them about his family, who mean a lot to him, and children, is just tearing me apart. my compulsions are to ruminate and confess. i know confessing would do nothing but relieve my guilt a bit but i know he would most likely leave me. i keep getting scared that when drunk im going to confess or im just going to blurt it out. this stuff is always on the forefront of my mind.

i wish i could go back to when i had weird thoughts but they just disappeared when they had left. when i catch hold of them, they expand into all sick things. i know they are only thoughts but the guilt is killing me. i literally just dont want to be here. please help

ella123 wrote:Okay i have had two common types of intrusive thoughts. one was about children, the other my family. the children one, although still present in that the thoughts can still be there, i know it is OCD and am very ashamed of myself when thoughts come into my head.

My OCD is very guilt based. It attacks things it knows i will have unbearable guilt about. Like children. I dont want these disgusting lewd comments in my head whenever i see a child, the only good thing is it's got a lot better but some anxiety is still there. When I went through the phase of having intrusive thoughts about my family i thought, people like my mother and grandfather and grandmother and all sorts of horrendous things, i thought this is it my guilt cannot get any worse than this, i cannot think of anything in the world that could make me feel guiltier. then i realised that thinking of my boyfriends family would make me feel even guiltier.

i tried to fight the thoughts, but they just intruded. they were, i suppose normal thoughts, but weird, but i just tried so hard not to get them. the worst ones were about his grandfather (because i was getting them about my own) and that fear has stuck. i am scared of his grandfather! because i got really bad intrusive thoughts. which i tried to turn into my own grandfather but sometimes it didnt work, just to relieve the guilt.

so now, because my mind has expanded, it is just not stopping with the sexual thoughts. i had really bad intrusive thoughts about incest in my family, not to do with me, and now its turned to his family. like i will think i bet his sitster doesnt get sick thoughts about her with her mother or grandfather. then the image will come into my head. or i say i bet he doesnt think about being gay with his own grandfather. then the image will intrude. i know it sounds awful but i am so against this stuff it is unreal. it is my worst nightmares, they are horrible thoughts. they are immoral and wrong and i dont want them. whilst typing this, my brain came up with more DISGUSTING ideas for thoughts such as my family with his. sickening and disgusting. this is getting to a point where im becoming suicidal about these thoughts because the guilt i experience is so extreme.

i think about how its going to be when they die and i know i got sick intrusive thoughts about them (especially my grandfather and his) and this adds to my guilt. i have a doctors appointment in october but until then i dont know what to do. this has been going on for a week now and i feel down every morning when i wake up. i feel so guilty around his family now. i feel i amnt worthy of being with him.
i also get to scared im going to confess to him. he is amazing but i know he wouldnt be understanding. i mean, a lot of people dont understand OCD. he knows i get horrible sexual thoughts, and he knows ive had them about my family. but to tell him that ive had them about his family, who mean a lot to him, and children, is just tearing me apart. my compulsions are to ruminate and confess. i know confessing would do nothing but relieve my guilt a bit but i know he would most likely leave me. i keep getting scared that when drunk im going to confess or im just going to blurt it out. this stuff is always on the forefront of my mind.

i wish i could go back to when i had weird thoughts but they just disappeared when they had left. when i catch hold of them, they expand into all sick things. i know they are only thoughts but the guilt is killing me. i literally just dont want to be here. please help

Keep cool, now; don't do anything drastic.

Your dread of your thoughts makes them more intense, which in turn causes more dread; it's reciprocal determinism. You need to understand that sexual thoughts are not sexual acts. They don't make you guilty of sexual abuse. They can't hurt anyone unless you act on them, and it's a lot easier for them to leave your mind when you're aware of that.

Death has infinite patience; you never need to hurry to meet him. You only have one life, and OCD isn't the end. I came close to killing myself when I was tormented by a guilt obsession in my youth, but I'm here now. There is hope.

If you're uncomfortable talking about your obsession on the forum, we can talk about it in private.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about yourself Ella123.
I agree with Twinkling_Butterfly - sexual thoughts are not sexual acts. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. The only person you are hurting with your thoughts is yourself.

Why are you so sure your boyfriend wouldn’t understand? You don't need to give him all the details, but maybe it would give you some relief to tell him that you have a lot of intrusive sexual or perverse thoughts.

Many people experience inappropriate sexual thoughts; the difference may be that without OCD they don't tend to obsess about them. So perhaps your boyfriend will be able to relate to your thoughts to some degree. Even if he doesn't, he may still be able to give you some support whilst you are waiting for your doctor's appointment.

Listen to Platypus. A healthy intimate relationship is maintained with openness and honesty. I know the possibility of rejection by someone you love is scary. You want him to accept you as you are, and he should, if he truly cares about you, but he can't reject or accept someone he doesn't know.

Thank you for your replies. The reason I know he won't be understading is because he is quite straight laced about stuff like this. I'm sure if I told him I got sexually intrusive thought about his family he would never look at me the same and I don't want my relationship with his family being affected. He doesn't really believe I have OCD. We are both young and I just know his reaction would not be good. That's why I now fear I'm going to tell him and ruin everything we have. I have told him I get sick thoughts, sexual ones, and we agreed not to press the issue. I understand about openess and honesty but the topic is so touchy because family measns a lot to him.

Whenever I see his family I feel guilt because I always think what if they knew. I feel so alone because no one has had similar thoughts and I feel so guilty. All the time I just feel guilt and dread. I just want the guilt to go away. How can that happen?

Please try to get into your doctor sooner. As in ASAP. If you are getting suicidal than you need help now not a few months from now. Call all the doctors in your area if they can't get you in any sooner. Is it a general practitioner you are seeing or a specialist? Your gp doctor should be able to help you.

Just tell the doctor you have severe anxiety/OCD and you rather not go into specifics as it is embarrassing. She should be able to prescribe something to help.

OCD is a disease. You can't just ignore it and hope it goes away. A combination of medication and therapy should help you. Have you tried looking for a good therapist?

4horsegal is right: if you are seriously considering suicide as an option, then you need help right away.

But if you just need a more relaxed social environment, would you join a therapy group? Maybe then you wouldn't feel alone or afraid of being condemned or rejected because of your disorder. Persistent, recurring "forbidden thoughts" are a common symptom (not all are related to sex, but many are), so if you join a group specifically for OCD or anxiety disorders, you're likely to meet others with similar problems. Ask your therapist what groups are available to join.

i think when i wrote about being sucidial it was me having a bad day. obviously i dont want to kill myself, but the guilt i have over my thoughts is huge.
today, after having a good day pretty much, i started getting thoughts like what if his family are into beastiality or necrophilia or with my friends, what if i thought that. how guilty would i feel. then i started getting images. not a lot but enough to make me just believe i am going insane and enough for my heart to feel like it has a 50 ton weight attached to it from guilt.
i just dont even know why my mind is thinking these things. i want a perfect mind. i dont want this. i want to be with my boyfriend and i want to not be like, ive had intrusive thoughts about you doing this that and the other. like also with my friends. its just wrong and weird, and i know that. i know these things are so sickening and abnormal. but i just dont know how to cope with the guilt it brings. my thoughts always target things i will feel guilty about.
i dont want to think what if my best friend and his sister had like a lesbian affair. i dont want to think about bestiality necrophilia, i dont want to think of anything like that. sometimes i wish i had violent thoughts because at least then you wouldnt feel like there is something perverted or wrong with you. at least youd know you were terrified and had OCD. i believe i am just psycho. honestly.

You aren't pyscho. Those thoughts are just OCD. You should not be blaming yourself for getting something stuck in your head. Try and recognize that those thoughts are not you. They are not your fault. They are not something you should feel guilty about.

There is a book. the boy who couldn't stop washing. Buy it. I think it is one of the best books on OCD out there even if the treatments are a little bit outdated. It has a bunch of stories on different forms of OCD. What you are experiencing is normal for OCD sufferers.

A good example from the book is when someone hit a bump in the road while driving. They kept thinking they might have hit someone. So they kept driving back and up and down the road looking for the person they might have hit. Panicing because they might have hit someone.

OCD is distressing no matter what form it takes. I do not discuss my own personal hell of OCD with anyone except on this forum and with my past therapist. I find it too distressing and I have to say I am ashamed of the things I think as well.

When you think something unreasonable, just remind yourself that it is your OCD talking, not you, it is not your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Try to distract yourself and refocus on something else. The more you get stuck in OCD land, the more you feed into the thoughts, than the more often you have them. You have to try and train yourself to refocus on something else. If you do start OCDing set a time limit and as soon as that time is up you need to refocus.

It is very difficult for me because I can have obsessive thoughts pop up all the time (like a commerical break). I understand what you are going through. Meds do help. I cannot stress this enough. I suffered for about 18 years before I finally admitted I needed help. So stupid to waste all that time being anxious and miserable. I really wonder what my life would have been like if my parents had gotten me help when I was little instead of ignoring the problem.

All I can say is please get help and don't waste your life away being miserable.

i want a perfect mind.

Are you saying you feel guilty because your mind isn't perfect? Nobody's mind is perfect. That's why these forums exist. Do you mean to say you feel ashamed of your disorder?

What do you think is morally wrong with having obsessive thoughts? Do you think having OCD implies that you lack certain virtues, such as a strong will? Do you feel guilty of self-harm because you're tormented by your own thoughts? Or does your obsession frustrate your conscience by keeping you from doing what you think you ought to do?

Shot in the dark (just my speculation): is the real reason you feel guilty because you think you're being dishonest by hiding your problems from the people close to you? Because hiding some things about yourself isn't dishonest; it's just about privacy. Of course it's important to be open about yourself with a person you love, as I said, but that openness has to grow at its own pace. If your relationship with your boyfriend hasn't reached the point where you're confident that you can tell him anything, then maybe it just needs more time to grow.