POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

I genuinely feel sick writing this out. But here goes.

I’m 19, and I’ve NEVER EVER had ANY thoughts about children, CP, or ANYTHING. NEVER. Never had any attraction at all. I have a boyfriend, I was sexually healthy. However, the other day I was looking through taboo porn stories nothing ever illegal or extreme. Never anything remotely related to children, EVER. But then, I came across this link that said “I had sex at 8 years old.” I clicked on it, and I literally don’t know why. I think it was the fact it was a taboo thing, a person having sex when they shouldn’t. It was NEVER the fact of the age, I never thought omg an 8 year old having sex thats hot. Ever. However, I kept reading and it ended up being straight up CP and I felt disgusted. I didn’t orgasm to it, I didn’t do anything. I felt horrible that I’d read it. I have no idea why I did and that’s what’s scaring me. I keep gagging and throwing up thinking about it. I NEVER EVER EVER would even dream of watching CP, and god ######6 forbid looking at kids or wanting to DO anything. But I keep obsessing over it. Did I secretly have an attraction to a child? Did I want to read about a 8 year old? What if I just subconsciously like them and that’s why I clicked on it??? When it first happened I literally just thought oh, that’s gross I’m not gonna get off to that. But then now I keep going back to the time in my head, wondering why I clicked on it. I don’t find kids attractive. I don’t want to see a taboo thing happen irl. I am so scared. I cant stop throwing up, I cant sleep, i cant go to college. My heart is constantly going at a million beats a minute because I think I’m lying to everyone. What if they knew? Would my boyfriend break up with me? I then go back to the thought of “you literally stopped, you didn’t find it attractive.” But then I obsess with the idea of “well why did you click on it? You must’ve been attracted to it.” Even thinking about being attracted to a child makes me throw up. I feel like I’m having a constant panic attack. I’m so scared, I’ve never been so scared in my life. Even writing this I’m in tears. I cant look at anyone in the eyes I’m so ashamed, scared, petrified. Am I genuinely a P? My head feels like it’s about to explode and I am so scared. I feel so guilty and I don’t know what to do. Thinking that I could be lumped in with people who enjoy CP makes me feel sick. What if I did enjoy it though? Oh my god, I cant even think about it because I feel like I’m gonna throw up.

Hello, and welcome!

Well, you didn't look at CP, you read a trashy account that might have been made up. There is a great draw to sexual Taboo. Having been mildly sexually molested as an early teen, I can attest the taboo of... becoming sexually aware- losing innocence- at a young age- is a strongly fascinating one. It is to a lot of people- Lolita didn't become a best seller, in a vacuum. People scarfed it up, and I doubt they were all pervs.

It doesn't have to mean anything, other than it's a taboo, and sexual taboos are often fascinating, even to people who would not in a million years do such a thing, themselves. I often have fantasies based on my past, me at a young age with my pederast and other assorted adults sexually predating upon the child me- that doesn't translate to me as an adult wanting to do anything to a youngster, or thinking it's okay. It most certainly is not, and if anyone did to a kid, what I think about having done to me at a young age, someone's gonna get hurt.

I'm not a pedophile- while intellectually I think what you did to kick this anxiety off means nothing, I prefer not to read such accounts. I'm OCD too, after all, and I know better than to poke that bear. It's best just to pass some things by. You stumbled into it once- you'll be more careful next time, I'm sure of it.

I think you have to try and calm yourself, and remind yourself you're not a pedophile, probably far from it. Don't worry about things that don't exist- don't worry about things that haven't happened, yet. I have harm OCD, and I used to let intrusive harm thoughts bother me greatly- I had to make myself not care- I'll care about my intrusive harm thoughts, when I've actually killed something or someone- and I won't, because those thoughts can't make me do something I don't want to do. It's hard at first, to decide consciously that you're not going to care about an intrusive thought, or care that you do the thing that you're frightened you'll do- but you have to make yourself. Otherwise it'll just keep its hold on you. The more you can make yourself not care about the worry you're a pedophile, the better things will get, in my experience. It's hardest when you start out, but it does get better.

Thank you so much for the reply! It was a real story, which was the issue too. I didn’t realise that at first, although I’m obsessing over the idea that what If I did? What if I did and I’m just blocking it out bc I wanted to? I’m still so scared. I’m missing out on so much college because of it. Like, did I click on it because I was genuinely attracted to a literal 8 year old????? The thought of that genuinely makes me want to throw up. I wake up every day and my head is a little calmer, I almost have no anxiety over it. Thinking, to myself, you KNOW you don’t find kids attractive, you literally just tried to read it because you thought you’d like it for the sole reason of being taboo. I just want to say that if I had KNOWN it was going to be CP like it was, I would have NEVER gone onto it. But then I think, what did you expect from a title like that? Did you know it was gonna be CP and you thought that was gonna be what turned me on? But then I always turn to the fact I wasn’t, and I was literally disgusted by it and wondered why I ever thought this would remotely be attractive to anyone. The thought of doing anything to a child, being attracted to a child, viewing REAL videos of cp- that genuinely makes me gag. I spend every single day with my heart in my mouth because I feel like I’m lying to everybody. What would they do if they knew?? Would they call the police? I read so many stories about pedophiles that have pedophillic thoughts but don’t act on them. Like oh my god, what if that’s me? I’ve never had any even thought about a child, I didn’t go actively searching for it, it was just there. A taboo story. Apologies for writing so much, I’m just so stressed and I feel like I’m gonna feel like this forever. I am absolutely terrified. Please help me

I would also like to say that I would NEVER ever read this type of stuff again. I know for a fact I don’t like it. It grosses me out, and thinking about how I couldn’t find it anything but gross settles my mind for like a minute. But then I keep going back to thought of, well why weren’t you disgusted with the title? And I don’t know. Again, I just thought it was a taboo thing, I didn’t even consider the age. It was just because it was taboo. But then as I using that as an excuse??? Oh my god, I’m so scared I can’t even put it into words. I’m sorry I know it’s a lot, but I’m so petrified. I’ve never been this scared anout anything. I used to have HOCD a couple years ago, but recovered from that. This is just a whole new thing, a whole new thing I’m absolutely petrified about. Am I a criminal? A bad person? A pedo? A pedo that enjoys sexual fantasies of kids? But then I don’t enjoy them. But then why did I think I was going to enjoy the thing clicked on? Because it was taboo?? Or an excuse??? It’s a never ending cycle and I literally want to die. I deserve to die

Sorry again for writing for the third time, I just genuinely feel so sick. I cant even breathe. I cant eat. I cant even talk to my family members or my boyfriend, I’ve just isolated myself because I am so ######6 petrified. My head is thumping and I cant catch my breath and im just having a panic attack every 5 minutes. What if my sister, my mum, or my boyfriend knew? What would they say? Would they cut me off, send me to prison? I don’t know. I’m so afraid.

Arik wrote:

Snaga wrote:I often have fantasies based on my past, me at a young age with my pederast and other assorted adults sexually predating upon the child me. . . .

I've had related thoughts. What does that mean?

Well if you were a victim of CSA, I think that answers itself- fantasies or self-endangering urges, based on sexual abuse (as a child, or otherwise) are, to my understanding, pretty common.

Aeylaa wrote:It was a real story, which was the issue too.

Show me the receipts. There's a heck of a lot of pervs out there who get off on making up stories. This admin's banhammer is well-bloodied with the banned accounts of sex trolls- we do not provide a safe space for Fappery in the Sexual Dysfunction or Sexual Abuse forums... if something sounds overly salacious, then chances are that the salaciousness is what's most genuine about it. IMO. Not always, but often. True or not, doesn't matter, not really. If it's not a clinical discussion of their experience, then it's a salacious literary account, designed to titillate, full stop.

Aeylaa wrote:Like, did I click on it because I was genuinely attracted to a literal 8 year old?????

Lolita. I'm interested in reading it; I've seen the rather watered-down Kubrick film treatment; ithe plot is intriguing, and mildly titillating since I was about that age when I was targeted by a pederast- even so, I have absolutely no desire nor inclination to get nasty with a 12-year old (Lolita's age in the novel), ew, no, I'm not a hebephile like my pederast was. Just because something's titillating or piques your curiosity, it DOES NOT translate into a desire to do anything.

OCD wants us to think that thoughts=The Id=Action. No, no, and no. I have harm OCD. It used to be 'I'm going to kill x' "I don't want to!" 'You do, you thought it' "I won't." 'You will.' "I won't" 'You'll do it in your sleep, you'll get up right now and do it, you can't help yourself....' and on and on and on, until I finally said fine I'll worry about it when I've done it, because thoughts aren't actions. Well over forty years of intrusive thoughts that I'm going to kill a pet or family member have resulted in one big nothing-burger, because intrusive thought/fears can't make you do a damned thing that you don't wanna.

If you were irresistibly drawn to kiddos, you'd be drawn to kiddos, and it wouldn't have scared you so when you panicked after reading what you did. I'm Bisexual- sure I was nervous the first time I bought me a gay magazine... didn't keep me from buying another, though. As soon as the internet came along, jumped right into the same-sex porn, whether I wanted to have the desire to, or not- because it's in my Id, it's not intrusive, the libido wants what it wants, and is pretty darn insistent about it.

Aeylaa wrote:The thought of doing anything to a child, being attracted to a child, viewing REAL videos of cp- that genuinely makes me gag. I spend every single day with my heart in my mouth because I feel like I’m lying to everybody. What would they do if they knew?? Would they call the police?

Call the police, for what? You haven't done anything. Even what you read is probably legal:

https://www.avvo.com/legal-answers/is-r ... 25523.html

And we're back to Lolita- if erotic accounts with no depictions were illegal, then that book would be banned. It's not. You haven't done anything to anyone, you didn't even look at anything that exploited anyone. You looked at words on a screen. You didn't like what you read, so you aren't going to read that again, right? Problem solved. You really need to try and make yourself not worry about this- it takes a conscious effort, and I can't tell you how- it's like The Force when Yoda said 'Do or do not. There is no try.' I stopped worrying about my intrusive harm thoughts, because I stopped worrying about my intrusive harm thoughts- I made up my mind to; and I hunkered down and out-stubborned the thing. I still get those thoughts- but they have no power over me, because I chose not to let them. It just takes a lot of will power, and a lot of practice. It's not complicated- it's hard!- but not complicated.

The police because I literally clicked on something about an eight year old. And I literally don’t know why. My mind is like, saying with these memories that I thought it was going to be attractive and I’m like, I swear I never thought that. Like, how the hell did I read the title and then think “yeah masturbation material.” I’m trying to rationalise with myself that it literally wasn’t the fact it was a child, it was the taboo nature of someone having sex when they shouldn’t, and the adult recounting it. Again I DONT ever ever ever and will never find a child attractive, and I have no ######6 idea why I did it. It was a true story; it was basically someone describing that they had sex when they were 8 because it was taboo in their community, but I didn’t realise this at first. When I read more into it I was more and more disgusted. I didn’t click on that link thinking, hey! I’m gonna get off to 8 year olds having sex! That makes me feel ill. But then why did I? Why did I click on it? I was literally looking for other porn to masturbate to, (NOT CP AT ALL OR ANYTHING CLOSE) so why the hell did I do it???? Like who does that? It was just the fact it was a taboo story. But why? Why why why? I did not sit there and think ah yes 8 year old sex. I didn’t at all. Or did I? I literally cant even remember, my mind is so jumbled. I literally just remember reading it, stopping masturbating and being like, what the ###$ is this I’m reading, I literally cant get off to this, it’s gross. And so I went onto something else, not CP obviously. I don’t want to see anyone, speak to anyone or have sex anymore. I’m terrified. I know I keep writing so much but again, I’m so terrified, Exhausted, drained. And it’s all my fault because I clicked on it.

Again, I’m sorry for writing so much so frequently, it must be so irritating. I just still cant come to terms with it. I literally saw that title, and thought I’d be able to get off to it. It was literally taboo content, which was why I was like, oh that’s taboo I’ll read it. I just don’t understand why. I’ve never had any thoughts like this before, compulsions or anything to look at children having sex. It makes me feel sick. But for some reason when I saw that title I was just like, whoa that’s taboo. Now, if I’d seen this irl then I would’ve thrown up. Absolutely never ever would I condone anything that happens irl. But then, doesn’t this just make me one of those pedos that don’t act on it irl? I was looking through people who are actual pedos, and they say they don’t question it, that they’re fine with it and they find children attractive. I don’t find children attractive. At all. I have never EVER looked at them in a sexual manner. But then why did I read it? Why did I completely disregard the age and just be like, that’s taboo, and then read it? I understand I didn’t like it and that keeps my head at bay sometimes. But it’s the fact I clicked on it at all, thinking I could even remotely masturbate to it, simply because it was taboo. Like, surely a normal person wouldn’t even click on that? I cant talk to anyone and I’m so afraid.

You clicked on literature. Unless I'm mistaken in thinking there were no images. That's not CP. Your mileage my vary, but I'm in the US and that's not an offense because no one was exploited. I seriously doubt anyone's after you.

You clicked on it. I've clicked on similar stuff- I don't lose any sleep over it because I didn't do anything wrong- it's not my cuppa, so I steer clear of it but I'm sure plenty of folks have clicked on stuff like that. You got to let this go, sweetie, before it eats you up. You have to make yourself let it go- there's no magic formula, no one can do it for you. But it can be done.

Are you taking anything to help take the edge off OCD? There are some SSRIs that have a little effect on OCD, if I'm not mistaken. I'm taking the generic for Lexapro, for general anxiety and I think it might have toned down my OCD a little- I'm only taking the maintenance dose for someone my age so it's not a magic pill or anything- and with OCD as far as I know there is not magic pill- but there are meds that can at least help to make it more manageable. If you really can't whup this on your own, I'd recommend meds plus therapy.

OCD can't really be reasoned with- I could write all day long about how none of this means you're a pedo, but it comes down to making a conscious effort to not care about it. You have to have the attitude, in my experience, that you just don't give a rat's ass about this- defer the anxiety for when you molest a kid, to put it bluntly. Defer the anxiety for when you have to have a kid so bad you can taste it. Until then, you can't convince me this is more than panicking OCD style over something you got curious about, which anyone could have done. I get intrusive harm thoughts. I defer my anxiety, for when I actually act on them- not before. And I know, empirically, that my intrusive harm thoughts can't make me do or be something that I don't want to be, because it's not in my nature to be. I've had a whole long lifetime to act on them; I have not. They're thoughts- that's all.