I genuinely feel sick writing this out. But here goes.
I’m 19, and I’ve NEVER EVER had ANY thoughts about children, CP, or ANYTHING. NEVER. Never had any attraction at all. I have a boyfriend, I was sexually healthy. However, the other day I was looking through taboo porn stories nothing ever illegal or extreme. Never anything remotely related to children, EVER. But then, I came across this link that said “I had sex at 8 years old.” I clicked on it, and I literally don’t know why. I think it was the fact it was a taboo thing, a person having sex when they shouldn’t. It was NEVER the fact of the age, I never thought omg an 8 year old having sex thats hot. Ever. However, I kept reading and it ended up being straight up CP and I felt disgusted. I didn’t orgasm to it, I didn’t do anything. I felt horrible that I’d read it. I have no idea why I did and that’s what’s scaring me. I keep gagging and throwing up thinking about it. I NEVER EVER EVER would even dream of watching CP, and god ######6 forbid looking at kids or wanting to DO anything. But I keep obsessing over it. Did I secretly have an attraction to a child? Did I want to read about a 8 year old? What if I just subconsciously like them and that’s why I clicked on it??? When it first happened I literally just thought oh, that’s gross I’m not gonna get off to that. But then now I keep going back to the time in my head, wondering why I clicked on it. I don’t find kids attractive. I don’t want to see a taboo thing happen irl. I am so scared. I cant stop throwing up, I cant sleep, i cant go to college. My heart is constantly going at a million beats a minute because I think I’m lying to everyone. What if they knew? Would my boyfriend break up with me? I then go back to the thought of “you literally stopped, you didn’t find it attractive.” But then I obsess with the idea of “well why did you click on it? You must’ve been attracted to it.” Even thinking about being attracted to a child makes me throw up. I feel like I’m having a constant panic attack. I’m so scared, I’ve never been so scared in my life. Even writing this I’m in tears. I cant look at anyone in the eyes I’m so ashamed, scared, petrified. Am I genuinely a P? My head feels like it’s about to explode and I am so scared. I feel so guilty and I don’t know what to do. Thinking that I could be lumped in with people who enjoy CP makes me feel sick. What if I did enjoy it though? Oh my god, I cant even think about it because I feel like I’m gonna throw up.