POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

Snaga wrote:

Arik wrote:

Snaga wrote:I often have fantasies based on my past, me at a young age with my pederast and other assorted adults sexually predating upon the child me. . . .

I've had related thoughts. What does that mean?

Well if you were a victim of CSA, I think that answers itself- fantasies or self-endangering urges, based on sexual abuse (as a child, or otherwise) are, to my understanding, pretty common.

Thank you for the clarification. I have thoughts in which I'm being played with.

But I still don’t understand why I did it. Why did I think I’d be okay with getting off with that? Why did I even try? I am so scared I’m a pedophile. I’m so scared I’m gonna end up liking CP. I’m so scared. I’m trying to forget about it. But then I’m like, am I ignoring the fact I’m a pedo? If you’d told me I’d be in this position a couple weeks back I would’ve been like wtf? Why would I ever go near CP or find it attractive in any sense whatsoever? Again the story I read was real. It was a real person describing it, and I thought for some reason I’d be able to get off to it. I was sat there at the end like, why the hell would anyone find this attractive? I want to die. My heart has been palpitating every day because I’m so scared, I get cold chills thinking about what happened. I literally ripped all the skin offf my thumb because I cant stop fidgeting thinking about how horrible it was, that I even tried. Why did I even try? I don’t know. I really don’t know. I deserve nothing. I deserve to die, I deserve everything bad coming to me.

I’m so sorry for writing again, but would you be able to tell me why you don’t think I’m a pedo? Even after clicking on that thinking I’d be able to masturbate to the taboo, despite not liking it? Am I not kidding myself that I don’t like it???

Aeylaa- you're reading way too much into this. OCD makes entire continents out of molehills, if you let it. You're over thinking this. Sometimes human do act on impulse for unknown reasons- please try to stop reading too much into this. You clicked on it, it's over and done with.

Arik wrote:Thank you for the clarification. I have thoughts in which I'm being played with.

My thoughts are rather less tame, but that would derail the thread off a cliff face, and this is OCD, not Sexual Abuse & Incest. My understanding is that it's not at all unusual to either fantasize off past sexual abuse, or act out because of it.

But I don’t even know if I have POCD or OCD. I’ve never been professionally diagnosed. This is what I mean- am I using this to cover up that I’m a pedo? I thought I might have POCD because after that episode I couldn’t stop obsessing, that I would do something to a child. That I found child sex attractive, when I didn’t. I had bad HOCD a few years back, but again that was undiagnosed so I literally don’t know, but I matched all the criteria etc. I just tried to eat dinner and I literally just threw it all back up because I thought about the fact that I could have possibly thought CP was attractive and I didn’t realise. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss. Do I deserve to die? If not why? I clicked on it. I thought I’d be able to masturbate because of the taboo of it. Over an eight year old. But I didn’t think an eight year old was attractive. Or anything. It was the taboo. Oh my god help me

Snaga wrote:

Arik wrote:I have thoughts in which I'm being played with.

My thoughts are rather less tame, but that would derail the thread off a cliff face, and this is OCD, not Sexual Abuse & Incest. My understanding is that it's not at all unusual to either fantasize off past sexual abuse. . . .

I left out details for obvious reasons.

Aeylaa wrote:But I don’t even know if I have POCD or OCD. I’ve never been professionally diagnosed. This is what I mean- am I using this to cover up that I’m a pedo? I thought I might have POCD because after that episode I couldn’t stop obsessing, that I would do something to a child. That I found child sex attractive, when I didn’t. I had bad HOCD a few years back, but again that was undiagnosed so I literally don’t know, but I matched all the criteria etc. I just tried to eat dinner and I literally just threw it all back up because I thought about the fact that I could have possibly thought CP was attractive and I didn’t realise. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss. Do I deserve to die? If not why? I clicked on it. I thought I’d be able to masturbate because of the taboo of it. Over an eight year old. But I didn’t think an eight year old was attractive. Or anything. It was the taboo. Oh my god help me

Well, we can't diagnose here but you're obsessing like hell over this, and you're so anxious you barfed. I don't think assuming it's OCD is walking out on a shaky limb, here. You are acting very OCD. You're scared; you're obsessing over it; you're acting as if being the thing you fear would be the End Of The World (when it isn't); you want reassurance, but won't accept any; and you won't let it go. Looks like a duck, quacks like a duck- only a professional can say it's a duck, but let's start with treating this as if it's a duck. You're going to exhaust yourself, if you keep this up. Been there, done that, and it gets a person nowhere.

I've been there, I know how it feels- but you have to try and calm down, sweetie. I promise, this isn't the end of the world. Most of the things we fear are just not the end of the world, even when we're convinced otherwise in our brain. I've been there with other fears, I know how it feels right now, but you can't keep this level of panic going- it's unsustainable.

But how? How do I get over this? What I did was wrong- how can I move on from this? That I clicked on something like that? How do I move on knowing I wasn’t disgusted by the title? That I THOUGHT to begin with that I’d be able to masturbate to it? I want to go back to normal. Was I ever normal? I cant cope with not sleeping, not eating. These heart palpitations and nausea around people, because i always think “I wonder if they’d still like me if they knew I was a pedophile” and then I think, but I’m not a pedo? I didn’t find it attractive? But did I just admit I was? God I don’t know. I just still don’t understand why I clicked on it. I’ve never had any attraction to that kind of stuff, just taboo/fake taboo. So why did I do it?

Hi, back again. Just read online about pedophiles and what makes you one. I feel sick. I’m so scared I’m one of these. I voluntarily clicked on that link, because? I don’t know. Because I thought the scenario would obviously be taboo and I could get off to the fact of something so taboo happening, NOT the actual child. But then it just said on a website pedophiles get off to content if it’s taboo. Whys this happening to me? I don’t understand why I did it. I didn’t get off to it, but for some reason I thought I possibly could. At the end I felt horrible and disgusted because this was children and I was not going to even remotely come over it, or be aroused, and I wasn’t. I felt repulsed. It was wrong and uncomfortable. I still am just so scared. I would even think about doing it again. But doing it once is enough? It’s the fact I possibly thought it’d arouse me that shakes me. I don’t know if it was an intrusive thought or what, or I genuinely thought I’d be attracted to it. I’ve read so many forums on people not wanting to be a pedophile but they still consume CP. that’s not me. I would never ever ever try to watch CP. what I read was disgusting and I’d never go near anything like that again and I don’t understand why I did. I don’t know what to do.