Lesbian having obsessive thoughts of becoming straight

Hello, I hope it’s okay for me to post here if I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD. I do not particularly believe in self-diagnosis but I am in extreme pain and distress and need help with what is going on in my life. I'd like to apologize beforehand since this is going to be an extremely long post here.

I am a lesbian. I have always been a lesbian, ever since I can remember, since I was a toddler even. I only had crushes on girls, in cartoons, in TV shows, in school and so on and so forth. I have only ever dated girls! I have a girlfriend of two years who I've been in love with since I was fourteen, and we are now both twenty-one. I've been out to my mom since I was twelve and am out to most of my family. I am only romantically attracted to girls and GOD knows only physically and sexually attracted to girls. Men disgust me, they have never been physically attractive to me... seeing a naked man literally couldn't turn me on less than it does. Men have had crushes on me or hit on me all my life, throughout school and just day to day, and I've never been interested. I've turned them all down because I've felt NOTHING towards them whatsoever. Despite knowing that I've been a lesbian pretty much since I can remember, I have struggled with accepting my lesbian identity simply because I have severely low self-esteem and was once very ashamed of who I was, even though my family lovingly accepted me in full. Even still: I was out whether I liked it or not because I couldn't run from who I was, who I am.

But lately, suddenly, I'm starting to fear that I'm turning straight? Not even bi - I'm having intrusive, obsessive thoughts that I'm literally becoming heterosexual and that I'm suddenly attracted to men and only men even though that's impossible. I have never had this problem before and it is completely destroying me. It started on Sunday and has made me severely suicidal since then. I've smoked more weed and drank more alcohol than I ever have this week just to try and make the thoughts go away but they aren't stopping and it's horrible. It hurts when my girlfriend talks to me or when I think about girls. It hurts when someone calls me a lesbian because my thoughts say "you aren't a lesbian! You know you aren't!" even though just a week ago I was so solid in my identity, happy, happier than ever with it even. I felt free but now I'm so scared and trapped. I can't get sexually aroused right now because I'm in so much despair even though I've never had a problem before and consider myself to have quite a high libido. I'm severely depressed and terrified.

This was triggered by a man talking to me from his car window on the street. My car window was also down. We heard teenage boys screaming from their car and he looked at me through his window and said "Well that's a new one" to which I responded "yeah that was wild!" and literally a second later I thought wow he was nice. Then "wow he was nice" turned into "I am attracted to men and am too disgusting to love women now because I am obviously attracted to men" and I don't even know how I reached that conclusion. I have talked to nice men before. I have acknowledged that men can be nice without suddenly feeling like this. I barely even saw his face. So why did this happen? I know logically this doesn't mean I love men now but my obsessive thoughts keep telling me that I'm attracted to men now and therefore don't deserve to look at girls. It's ruining me.

I went to the doctor today to get prescribed medication because I feel like I can't live like this. It's torture. I told her I want medication to stop my intrusive and obsessive thoughts and all she did was switch around my bipolar medication. I didn't even think to bring up OCD until I searched online "lesbian having intrusive thoughts of being straight" and found this Psychforums user who detailed a hugely similar experience to the one I'm going through obsessive-compulsive/topic185063.html and also this which I feel logically describes me:

"It is unknown why people with OCD develop the obsessions they do, but most are characterized by intrusive negative thoughts. Gay people, however, are also proportionately affected by what might be called straight OCD, consumed by thoughts they might be heterosexual. In all cases, symptoms tend to develop rapidly, triggered by a precise moment, such as seeing an attractive actor in a movie, having bad sex with your spouse," and etc.

I think my trigger might have been similar to the above. I was nervous about having phone sex with my girlfriend because I wasn't in the mood and then when I went out to get food I talked to the dude in his car and then it just sky-rocketed from there. It does make me feel less alone but lingering anxiety is telling me that if I'm feeling better now, I sure won't in like, 30 minutes.

Furthermore, these aren't the only obsessive thoughts I've ever struggled with. Someone on this forum even proposed to me two years ago that I might have OCD from what I was describing and thought was a symptom of my BPD (here post1697431.html). Can OCD be triggered by extreme stress? I've always had somewhat of obsessive thoughts, but they've gotten significantly worse since a traumatic event that happened at the end of July. Each month I've had severe bouts of obsessive thoughts that cause anxiety so unbearable it makes me want to die. But this is undoubtedly the worse yet. On top of this, I have BPD, which means I already struggle with my identity, but I've always been sure of being a lesbian. So why is this happening? It hurts so much.

It's worth noting that all of this gets worse the time before my menstruation cycle.

I'm a lesbian. I know that I'm a lesbian, in my heart and in my soul, but these thoughts are telling me otherwise and it's driving me crazy. I love being a lesbian. I'm not ashamed, I'm not afraid, so why do I have these thoughts? I guess what I'm looking for here is guidance and reassurance. I don't know if there are any lesbians here who have experienced similar to me (doubtful) but I'm just so lost and scared... I want these thoughts to go away, I want to move on to any other obsessive thoughts even though those hurt too, this is seriously hindering my entire life. Should I bring this up to my doctor when I go to check back with her in a week and ask about possible OCD? She put me on Fluoxetine and Olanzapine for Bipolar but I read that Olanzapine helps with obsessive thoughts which is why I visited the office in the first place today.

Thank you for reading this far if you did. It means the world to me.

I would definitely suggest telling your doctor about this to get medication for OCD/anxiety and/or going to therapy for OCD treatment, trying to get it under control as fast as possible..Because (not to scare you) OCD can get a lot worse. By that I mean that the fear can get more real/convincing as time goes on or you could latch onto more fears/obsessions that are equal/worse. This definitely sounds like OCD btw and I don't think you're straight at all.

OCD can be triggered by high anxiety/stress, I think. That's what happened to me. I showed mild OCD symptoms but then a distressing time in my life triggered my OCD to go out of control and become a disorder.

You're not the only one! I'm a teenage lesbian and I'm feeling the same way you do. I knew I was gay when I was 11 (which, relatively, wasn't too long ago) I had trouble accepting myself for my a while, but I finally came out and it was great. I love the feelings I get for girls, it's the best in the world. But I also deal with depression, and after having a bad first day at 7th grade, my emotions went totally numb like a light switch flipped off inside of me. So when I thought about romance for example, it didn't bring me pleasure like it used to. I started to get so scared it was only a phase and that my feelings for girls have gone away. I'm not as scared as I used to (the fear was crippling) but I still don't have my emotions back and it kills me. I guess some things you have that I don't that makes me scared is that you knew for a long time, and I only knew since I was 11. Also, I have a very low libido and don't care for sex very much, which bothers me a lot. But you're not alone in this. I'm glad to find another person who feels the same.

Hi, this sounds very much like myself. I also identify as a lesbian. I am completely and utterly 100% attracted to women in all ways. I love women, romantically, physically, sexually, emotional, etc. And I know that for sure, it’s always been there from a young age. That being said, just because I like girls and only want to be with them, I can still acknowledge when a guy is good looking. There a lot of good looking people in this world in general, I just know for sure that I desire women. I think guys are attractive in the same way I think dogs are cute, or I think shoes and outfits are cute. I don’t really get anything else from that like the way I do when I see an attractive women. Just having slight attraction to men has given me anxiety over time as well. I love being gay. I don’t ever want to change, women are amazing. I think it normal from time to time for this to happen, I don’t think anyone is completely 100% straight or gay. I think it’s part of being human. It’s okay to acknowledge these things. One time I read something that said sexuality can change over time and that freaked me out as well and I obsessed about it. I have Relationship OCD terribly. I have had other kinds from time to time including heterosexual OCD. I just wanted to say you are not the only one that experiences this. I know it gives you a terribly feeling inside and you can’t stop obsessing about it. Sometimes I get to points where I will look at guys and check to make sure I’m not having any kind of groinal responses. And keep checking to see if I am attracted or not. But with women it’s instant. I enjoy it. I don’t have to question, I know it’s what I want and like. It’s annoying how much pressure I put on myself

Kip wrote:You're not the only one! I'm a teenage lesbian and I'm feeling the same way you do. I knew I was gay when I was 11 (which, relatively, wasn't too long ago) I had trouble accepting myself for my a while, but I finally came out and it was great. I love the feelings I get for girls, it's the best in the world. But I also deal with depression, and after having a bad first day at 7th grade, my emotions went totally numb like a light switch flipped off inside of me. So when I thought about romance for example, it didn't bring me pleasure like it used to. I started to get so scared it was only a phase and that my feelings for girls have gone away. I'm not as scared as I used to (the fear was crippling) but I still don't have my emotions back and it kills me. I guess some things you have that I don't that makes me scared is that you knew for a long time, and I only knew since I was 11. Also, I have a very low libido and don't care for sex very much, which bothers me a lot. But you're not alone in this. I'm glad to find another person who feels the same.

You shouldn't be scared (easier said than done, I know), everyone is different and that you "only" knew from the time you were 11 is completely normal and okay! That doesn't make you any less of a lesbian. Some women only figure it out well into adulthood and they're lesbians all the same. Don't worry about your libido either, you're young and I was the same. I promise, the things you're worried about don't invalidate you.

It was your post initially that gave me the first sense of relief that these thoughts are, realistically, only obsessive thoughts. It's thanks to you that the worse of my anxiety wore off, even though I'm still struggling with the thoughts. I'm glad to find another person who feels the same too, it really made me feel less alone. I'm sure we'll be able to get through this. And if you ever need anyone to talk to, I'd be more than willing to lend you a listening ear.

-- Fri Nov 10, 2017 3:04 pm --

sam55 wrote:Hi, this sounds very much like myself. I also identify as a lesbian. I am completely and utterly 100% attracted to women in all ways. I love women, romantically, physically, sexually, emotional, etc. And I know that for sure, it’s always been there from a young age. That being said, just because I like girls and only want to be with them, I can still acknowledge when a guy is good looking. There a lot of good looking people in this world in general, I just know for sure that I desire women. I think guys are attractive in the same way I think dogs are cute, or I think shoes and outfits are cute. I don’t really get anything else from that like the way I do when I see an attractive women. Just having slight attraction to men has given me anxiety over time as well. I love being gay. I don’t ever want to change, women are amazing. I think it normal from time to time for this to happen, I don’t think anyone is completely 100% straight or gay. I think it’s part of being human. It’s okay to acknowledge these things. One time I read something that said sexuality can change over time and that freaked me out as well and I obsessed about it. I have Relationship OCD terribly. I have had other kinds from time to time including heterosexual OCD. I just wanted to say you are not the only one that experiences this. I know it gives you a terribly feeling inside and you can’t stop obsessing about it. Sometimes I get to points where I will look at guys and check to make sure I’m not having any kind of groinal responses. And keep checking to see if I am attracted or not. But with women it’s instant. I enjoy it. I don’t have to question, I know it’s what I want and like. It’s annoying how much pressure I put on myself

Yes, this is exactly my experience... I will say that since posting this, the worst of my anxiety has expired since I realized I wasn't the only one who has ever felt this way and I'm not actually turning straight/bi. And while I'm still having the obsessive and intrusive thoughts of heterosexual OCD, hearing from other lesbians like you really helps.

Thank you for sharing with me, and I'm sorry you have to go through these things too. I just want this to be over with... it's a real pain.

Uh, that is almost impossible for anyone to make it well into adulthood with no idea whatsoever that they are <insert any orientation>. People often talk about coming out to others years later, but they have had to had some kind of positive indicator in their early years. It doesn't just pop one day, "omg I'm <x>!" Such things are a fairy tale myth. One does not simply change one way or the other.

Sexuality cannot be repressed just as true that memories cannot either.

I am very sorry you have to deal with the "reverse" HOCD, it is torture for anyone who has. And even fewer people recognize in your cases because of the fact that being straight is ideal in society.

I agree jdd. The heterosexual OCD seems unheard of to most people, because in our society straight is the norm. People are more afraid of being gay. Which is ridiculous. Its crazy how OCD can manifest in a number of ways, a lot of people don't understand it except those who experience. Also regive, if you need a friend. I am here, I know how much it sucks to go through this. I experience hetero OCD as well as many other forms, you can message me if you would like to talk.

Wow, honestly thank you so much, I never knew this was a thing. This has been troubling me for some time now and I’m so glad I’m not alone and this is something other lesbians deal with. It’s been particularly troubling me because I’m friends with mainly boys, so it’s been hard for me to distinguish between romantic/sexual attraction and platonic affection towards them. My need to be tender and affectionate with my friends has led me down a wormhole of self doubt even though I know full well that I would never want to date any of them. It’s gotten so bad that I’ll have intrusive sexual thoughts about my male friends while masturbating to lesbian porn, even though, once again, the porn is arousing and my friends are not. I’ve already overcome a large part of this thanks to resolving other parts of my identity that I was unsure about learning about comp het. However it didn’t resolve everything. Everything you talked about in this post, I have experienced myself. It’s comforting to know that these are just intrusive thoughts that I am having and THEY ARE NOT ME. Even as I’m writing this I’m starting to realize that there are other types of intrusive thoughts that I experience (mainly related to social anxiety and fear of judgement). I have a long road ahead of me in learning to tackle these, but now at least I know I’m on it.

Welcome to the forums! The forum is full of 'HOCD'- people with intrusive thoughts and fearful obsessions over same-sex attractions- but yes we do occasionally see it the other way around, here. Not nearly as common, and I can think of two easy reasons why- first off, Gay/Lesbian is a small fraction of the population (I'm Bi, myself). And then, I think we who 'aren't straight' have already done like, a ton of self-discovery and thought and just pretty much have had to come to grips with our variant orientations. Compared to straight folks who never gave it a second thought, until that first thought, or comment, triggered them into OCD-like thought patterns. So while we don't see a whole heck of a lot of it, we do see it here in the OCD forum.

I've never had what I would call classic HOCD, or SOCD, as I like to refer to straight intrusive thoughts. I did do a lot of over thinking and waffling and hand-wringing, until I managed to step out of myself to admit okay, I think this, this, and that- I am excited by this, that, and this, and I tend to pursue this, this, and that.

So I 'decided' I was Bi- and since then, I've had a lot less mental anguish over things. Once I settled on something, and stuck with it. Keeping in mind, that while girls are a little plastic in their orientation, by my understanding of it- albeit only when they have a lot of motivation to change, guys (I have a Y-chromosome) are supposedly, not at all plastic. My parking space on the Kinsey, will supposedly remain the same until I assume room temp... so when I say I 'decided' I was Bi, I took the observable facts about myself, for granted, and made the conscious decision to run with that.

I think, ultimately, all the folks with HOCD- and the ones with SOCD- have to do the same thing. Outside of the fears, what floats your boat- I don't believe anyone is 100% anything but most of humanity can be reliable placed in one camp or the other- then agree with yourself that that's what you is, and stick with it no matter what your brain tries to say.

Because deep down, you know you're Lesbian- or enough so that you may as well call it that. Same for straights. Then you make a stand against the unwanted ideas, by staying firm in what is demonstrably your true orientation. So.. when I say I think everyone here has to ultimately decide whether they're gay or straight- I don't mean it flippantly, as if you could change it like changing a coat- just that in your mind, you choose what you know is 'right' and draw a line in the mental sand. If that makes sense.

I think I have an unfair advantage, in that I know I'm pretty muddled in the middle of the sexual orientation scale. But if you strongly feel straight, or gay... then OCD is going to glom onto any small bits that ain't that primary orientation. OCD wants 1000% certainty of something. So even if you're 99-44/100% Lesbian- expect OCD to glom onto that tiny bit that's not, and beat you over the head with it. I don't believe in sexual absolutes, but that's exactly what OCD demands- absolute reassurance- about something that is kinda fuzzy sometimes. Normal folks just shrug the occasional rearing of the fuzzy sexuality, off. Because they're mostly this, or that. But 'mostly' don't cut it for the likes of us. We get hyperaware and that will make that .0056 straight, seems like more than it really is.