by rosequartz1 » Fri Jul 21, 2017 3:14 pm
I feel... odd. Like, my whole perspective has shifted, or something. I don't worry about any attraction, because I know it's not me. But, it's not like in a black/white situation.
Before today, I was like so concerned with purity/being a good person. But now, I've realized that people are grey. Like Elsa said, the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all.
Earlier today, I was masturbating to adult fantasies (normal stuff), and I felt like I could of done it to a less savory thought, but I knew that just because physically I maybe could of enjoyed it, I wouldn't of enjoyed it mentally. And that's the difference, I feel.
Tbh, I'm tempted to clear up what happened, but I can't go around asking everybody for reassurance. It's a compulsion, and a self-fuffiling prophecy. I know what happened, and having people misled doesn't change that.
I'm starting to think that a lot of my OCD stemmed from a fear of being bad/wrong/gross, especially since I do struggle with contamination fears, as well. Having faith in myself is seeming to assuage my fears, and minimize the OCD.
Someone I talk to on another forum is telling me to go see a therapist, but I don't know what I would go to them with. It's like my brain has been rewired, and I see clearly, again. Or clearer, at least.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I feel better getting it all out.